People in here ARE real, but i changed their names.What i hate even more than lack of inspiration, is the inability to transport the thoughts in my head all the way to my fingertips. I love to write. It's one of those things where you are free to voice your opinions and maybe even look them over and create new ones. But lately i have been looking back on my whimsical stories of fantasy, and i think: wow, what happened to me? I mean i could write really good without even really trying, now... it just seems like my mind isn't thinking the way it used to. It seems like my excitement is down... like... nothing i write is good enough. I find myself doing research on something i think to be extremely interesting, write about it, than half way through i decide to just quit. I have no drive to help me continue, no inspiration for me to continue. Maybe it's because my fairy tales seem to unreal to relate to. I write about many things i wish i had: Adventure, comedy, wit, and of course the dark mysterious guy.
These things... i will never have. I have had a good run in my life though. It's not like my life is so unbearable that i just can't move on. It's fairly good, the only problem being that it is somewhat...dull. I hate sitting around writing about stuff i will never do, stuff i will never be able to morning when i wake up, it's dull. It's a colorless room with only a computer with the tools needed to create another world that is filled with all the adventure happiness and romance i could ever dream to have. After i write about the exciting life of one of my characters... at the end of it all... i go back to the dull world i live in. And the reality starts to sink in, that character is not me. My character is usually a very beautiful girl going on some fantastic adventure, i write her to be excited when i would be excited. To cry when i would cry. Ect. Might as well name her Gwyn and give her glasses and an attitude and snotty disposition. Cause that's what i really am. I'm not a smart and witty girl who finds that one guy. I'm that geeky little snob girl who finds that OTHER guy. When i learn a moral at the end of the day, it's not because i went on some adventure, it's because i was given a lecture.
Everyone i know at school thinks i'm a bitch, and you know what? Their right. There must be some reason behind most of the girls and guys call me ugly all the time. And whenever someone is being mean i always stand up for the victim no matter what they have done to me. I know that's a bad thing and most people take advantage of that. Me not able to say no, or not now. I usually look at those videos that tell you many ways to say no, and all i could think of at the moment was: How hard is it to say no! Well, i can honestly say i understand now. I hate being disliked. I was almost never disliked at my other schools. Teachers and students liked me, cause i gave them nothing to hate. Here, well i guess i did something wrong. I guess Coach Nina is going to have to deal with me the rest of the year. She is the only teacher i have ever known who dislikes me. And i'm being serious. I literally have never known a teacher who didn't like me till Coach Nina. Than theirs mostly all of the school who hates me. I know this because most of everyone knows me. It's because of all the things that have happened. I landed a huge role in the play this year and wrote the play last year hosted. Also i was the new girl and the one that was always the bitch. I am the most hated. I'm the teachers pet, and i'll admit i'm more bad than the teachers give me credit for. I guess it's because of my friends. Eileen isn't exactly the best girl you want to be around when a teacher of high authority is around as well. She's always getting into trouble. I don't get in trouble even though i do most of things she does with the exception of outside of school life cause i know i don't give blow jobs at 13. I don't mean to chew her out here but she has been pressured to do a lot of stuff with her boyfriends. That's another thing that scares me other than everyone hating me, an abusive boyfriend. i know how hard it is for me to say no, if i get caught with the wrong dude i'm going to be in serious trouble. I keep telling myself i won't do stupid stuff and yet, when its there...staring me in the face... i just have to try it out like a stupid person would. Which means if i get an abusive boyfriend there won't be much to help me. I'm just a stupid girl, bent on fairy tales and mysterious guys.
I think mostly 96 % of my time in the day is day dreaming. I don't think there is one day where i don't spend it day dreaming. I keep dreaming i'm someone else, Someone that everyone loves, wants, cherishes, and most of all that i would be someone who doesn't screw up, one that never makes so many mistakes and is so arrogant that i won't even correct them. And... i wish i could correct them... i'm just so scared to tell... to tell what i have done... i got lucky when i screwed up, but it's still very bad... yes it could have been MUCH worse but thank god it isn't and thank god my family doesn't know... i never want to disappoint them... and yet i never fail too... cause i'm a failure... a nobody with no future... with no adventure or even who deserves it anyway... give it to the girl who deserves it... cause i guarantee it's not me for sure.