Title: Skinman Unleashed (1/1)
Author: Pita1013
Feedback: PitaM13@cs.com (PLEASE!!)
Rating: PG
Classification: SHR
Spoilers: Hollywood A.D.
Keywords: MSR
Summary: When good parties go bad...
Archive anywhere
Big heaps of thanks to Joylynn, my ever-faithful beta reader
who is so patient with me. Oh, and sorry about those
stiches, hon. I'll warn you next time. =)
Disclaimer: Characters from the X-Files are owned by Chris
Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Television. They are being
used without permission and without money changing hands.
Author's Notes/Intro: I was into the good crack when I wrote
this one, I think. Brace yourself for some semi-twisted stuff.
X~~X~~X~~X~~X
Skinman Unleashed
Apartment of Fox Mulder
12:30 a.m.
Scully had fallen asleep on his shoulder for a record third
time that evening. She was averaging one nap per movie, and
Mulder was beginning to realize that he'd have to let her
choose next time. There had to be something that she would
stay awake for. Not that he didn't enjoy her quietly
breathing presence cuddled into his side, but it made for a
less-than-satisfying movie experience.
He shook her gently. "Hey, Scully? You did it again." He
smiled as she groaned softly, still unaware that she was
awake again. Then the room swam into focus.
She blinked slowly. "Oh, wow. What did I miss this time?"
She took in the *whirr* of the rewinding VCR and the empty
bottles of Shiner Bock scattered around the room, realizing
that she'd been at her partner's for over six hours and had
slept through the majority of it.
"Most of *Happy Gilmore*," he grinned at her, then actually
laughed out loud at her uncomprehending stare. She was way
out of it, not from the beer but from pure exhaustion.
She rolled her eyes. "Do we have any more?" She decided to
make a real effort to enjoy the next guy-flick Mulder
pulled out of the Video Update bag.
Mulder shook his head. "I only rented three. Unless you want
to watch one of mine--" He stopped at the incredulous look
on her face. "NOT one of those!" he interjected hastily,
flushing slightly.
She raised an eyebrow at him as the phone jangled. She
redirected the eyebrow toward the phone. Who's calling
Mulder after midnight? She could tell by the look on his
face that Mulder wasn't expecting anyone.
"Mulder...yeah, Frohike, what is it?" He frowned at the
phone. "Sure...yeah, she is...all right." He hung up, giving
the phone a speculative look as he took his place on the
couch.
"Frohike?" Scully prompted. No aliens, please no more
aliens. I'm having a good night even though the movies were
boring.
Mulder spread his hands in a gesture of confusion. "He's
coming over. Just for a second," he added at Scully's
expression. "He said he'd be here in a few minutes."
The agents chatted absently as they waited for their friend
to arrive. When the knock came, Scully followed Mulder to
the door, both out of curiosity and to make sure Frohike
didn't invite himself in. She truly liked the little man,
but she wanted Mulder to herself for a while.
Frohike stood outside the doorway, looking unusually ill at
ease. "I hate to interrupt your evening, guys, but I thought
I'd better bring him here." He was wringing his hands in a
way that neither of the agents had ever seen before.
Mulder looked at the empty space around Frohike. "Who?"
The smaller man seemed to just realize that he was alone
on the threshold of Mulder's apartment. He craned his neck
to see down the hall. "Hey, Skinman, get over here!" he
called.
Skinman!? Scully's eyes went wide as they met Mulder's.
Tell me this is just a dream, and you'll be waking me up
for real in about ten seconds.
Frohike vanished down the hall, returning with a very large
man leaning heavily on his arm. The agents watched in
stupified silence as their boss spotted them and flashed an
enormous grin at them.
Scully tugged at Mulder's arm. "He grinned," she whispered.
Mulder nodded, absolutely beyond words. He watched in
bemused horror as the Assistant Director of the FBI crashed
through the doorway and plunked down on the couch.
Frohike squirmed under Mulder's gaze. "He just...showed up
at our office, and we didn't know what to do with him. So
we decided to give him to you." With a last baffled look at
Skinner, Frohike fled away down the hallway.
"Bye, Fro!" Skinner called gaily as the Gunman practically
sprinted to the elevator. There was a loud *ding* as the
doors closed, sweeping the messenger away.
With a decisive *snick* Mulder shut the door, trapping them
in the apartment with Skinner, who was happily rummaging
through Mulder's videos.
Oh, shit! Mulder swore to himself as his boss found *the*
cabinet with *the* videos. This is NOT happening to me.
Skinner was nonplussed. He waved one of them in the air.
"I've seen this one!" he proclaimed to the room at large.
Scully and Mulder stared in horror as Skinner started to
prattle on about the virtues of the video he was still
waving. Scully, ever the practical one, inched toward the
door. She was almost out before Mulder realized she wasn't
next to him anymore.
Frantically, he groped at her arm. "Scully, don't you *dare*
leave me alone with him!" he hissed, panicked. His eyes
darted wildly around the room.
Scully looked pleadingly at the distant elevator, thinking
she should have made a break for it when Frohike left. Then
she allowed Mulder to tow her back into the apartment.
Skinner seemed to notice her for the first time. Brandishing
the video like a trophy he advanced on her. "Daaaaana!" he
smiled broadly. "Found a good video!" he proclaimed, waving
it in her direction.
"Why don't you keep it, sir," she suggested, getting her
revenge on Mulder with one short sentence. Skinner giggled
with happiness and Scully decided she was going to her
therapist as soon as possible. This was too much for her to
deal with.
"I'm SKINMAN!" Skinner corrected her gravely, finally
dropping the video. "I am Skinman, hear me roar," he added
with a mischevious glint in his eyes.
"Sir--Skinman--why are you here?" Mulder asked quickly,
before Skinner could wake up half of his building.
"Fro brought me," he answered, looking at Mulder like he
was out of his mind.
"Ok, where were you before you found Frohike?" Scully tried.
Skinner frowned, a much more familiar expression that was
actually relaxing for his agents. "Video party."
"Video party?" Scully prodded, not sure that she really
wanted to know. She started envisioning several ideas and
immediately squelched them before she scarred herself for
life.
"The release-to-video party," Skinner said, enunciating
each word very carefully. "For *The Lazarus Bowl* 'cause
it came out on video today."
"Is that why you're drunk?" Mulder asked carefully.
"'m not drinked--drunk," Skinner corrected himself. Then his
eyes rolled backwards in his head and he toppled backwards
onto the couch.
Mulder sighed heavily and went to get a wet washcloth.
*****
The reprieve was short. Much too short for the agents, who
had no idea how to deal with their inebriated boss. The
object of their distress was sprawled out on the couch, half
conscious and still prattling on about the party he had been
at earlier that night.
When Skinner woke up again, he was a lot more docile but
still absolutely hammered. His eyes couldn't focus on any-
thing, though that could've been partly due to the absence
of his glasses. They were probably still at the party.
"She dumped me," the AD blurted out mournfully, clutching
his head as his agents kept a safe distance. He sat up and
started rocking back and forth on the couch, grumbling about
the love of his life.
"What's he talkin' about?" Mulder hissed to Scully, who was
clinging to his arm, trying to keep her friend between her
and Skinner.
Scully shrugged. "Ask him," she suggested warily.
He nodded. "'kay."
Cautiously, he addressed Skinner. "Who dumped you, sir?"
"SKINMAN!" Skinner roared, glaring at Mulder with baleful
eyes. "I'm SKINMAN!"
"Ok, ok," Mulder said hurriedly. "Skinman. What happened?"
Although, he reflected, he probably didn't really want to
know.
Skinner looked like he was on the verge of tears. "I can'
keep a girlfrien' 'causa that damn movie," he confessed.
"They all think 'm 'n love wi' Scully."
The subject of this bizarre declaration blinked slowly.
"Say that again?"
"They all think I'm in love with you," he said, once again
shaping his words carefully. He gazed at her mournfully.
"They think th' movie is th' way things are for real."
"It's only a movie--" Mulder started to say.
Skinner bristled. "Wayne frigged it all up," he snorted.
"I tol' him how it was, but he changed the ending."
Now Mulder blinked. "What did he change?"
With a deep sigh, Skinner explained, trying not to slur all
his words together. "In the coffin at the end, Movie-Scully
wasn't s'posed to say she loved me. She was s'posed to say
she loved you," he gestured loosely toward Mulder. "I tol'
him how it was, but *NOOOO*, those Hollywood types are all
friggered up in the head." To illustrate the degree of
"friggered" Skinner whacked himself in the head.
And knocked himself unconscious again.
With a sigh, Mulder went to re-moisten the washcloth,
leaving Scully staring, bewildered, at Skinner.
*****
When Skinner was once again tended to, Mulder and Scully
retreated to the kitchen to raid the Shiner Bock supply.
They both felt they deserved it.
Finally Scully broke the companionable silence. "How long
do you think Skinner's known about us?" she asked with a
small amount of concern in her voice.
Mulder shrugged. "It doesn't matter. There aren't any rules
against our relationship." He grinned at her. "Now, if you
were to start seeing Skinner..."
Scully tried to look stern but dissolved into giggles. "I
wouldn't worry about that if I were you," she assured him
around her laughter. "*He* even knows better, apparently."
"Seriously, though, to answer your question, I don't think
Skinner realizes how far we've taken our relationship. I
think he just realizes that we love each other," Mulder said
with a smile.
"Acourse I realize it," a booming voice echoed through the
kitchen. Mulder dropped his beer bottle and Scully clapped
a hand to her heart, sure she would have a heart attack
right there in Mulder's kitchen.
"Jesus!" she gasped out, trying to calm her heart.
Skinner draped an arm across Mulder's shoulder, nearly
sending the smaller man flying across the room. "I know
*ALL* about it. But I won't say a word," he said, holding
a finger over his lips and making shushing sounds.
With that said, he staggered back into the living room with
Mulder and Scully right at his heels. Mulder almost crashed
into him when he stopped dead inside the apartment door.
"This isn't my apartment," he observed, looking blank.
"Don't worry, we're taking you there right now," Mulder
asserted, hustling Skinner out the door with Scully right
behind him.
The ride to Crystal City was uneventful save for Skinner
singing along to his internal radio. Hearing R.E.M. lyrics
coming out of his mouth was a fitting end to an incredibly
bizarre night.
When Skinner was safely locked in his apartment and the
agents were safely heading away from him, there was a
collective sigh of relief.
"Do you want me to drop you off at your place while we're
out?" Mulder asked, hoping she wouldn't want to leave him.
He wasn't disappointed. "Why don't I just stay at your place
tonight," she suggested with a smile. "I'm feeling trauma-
tized from this... experience, and I really shouldn't be
alone."
He rolled his eyes, reaching over to pat her leg. "That
makes two of us, Scully. We may never recover."
*****
THE END
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