Nothing Without Her
A/N: My first dabble into CLAMP fanfiction. I can't really place it in a series; it lands between the end of Tokyo Babylon, which I know minimal amounts about, and the somewhere around issue 9 of X. I've become very attached to Subaru since he first appeared in X and now I'm here to torture the poor boy. ^^
I don't own Subaru, he is the property of the ladies of CLAMP, nor do I own "Betray," that belongs to Adema. Ok, now onto the angst.
***
I watched you change, I never knew
That you would be like all the rest
You were so true, too good to be true
I trusted you, and fell apart again
I cannot change the fact that you're not coming back
So depressed, I'm your slave.
He sat on the edge of his bed staring at his hands.
Today was like any other day to any other person, but to him it held deeper significance. One year; he had been living the lie for one full year now. At first, he had himself convinced it was a dream, that it had never happened and she would come bouncing in the door, complaining about some aspect of his life like she always did. But she never came; she never came wearing her flamboyant outfits and almost screeching at him for putting his job over his personal health. She would never be there to confide in when he would wake in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason. She would never be there to play mother hen when he got sick. She would never be there for him again; he knew that he deserved to have her taken away from him too.
'I should have seen it coming; no one is that nice without reason. His kindness was a façade to get to me; I should have seen it coming.' He ran his hands over his face before going back to staring at them. 'I trusted him and then he did this. Why? Why did it have to be this way? Everyday I feel like I'm slipping, but if I fall again, there won't be anyone to save me from myself.'
It always came back to his hands.
His hands were the one thing that connected him to the spiritual world, but now they were betraying him. It had been weeks since he actually sat down and thought about her; he tried not to do it because he would always get overly emotional. He knew the work was piling up and he knew he'd regret it later, but he couldn't help it. Once he started to think about it, he would get lost in his emotions and not be able to do anything for the rest of the day.
Betray me;
You're not the one, to be trusted with my love.
Betray me;
You're not the one, who should be trusted with my love.
His gaze traveled slowly to the window, over the city skyline, and to the sunset. 'He always did love the sunset.' The fading light floated thought the windows, casting an orange glow onto his stark white room. He found that Mother Nature's embrace was warmed than any he had ever gotten from his family. 'It's like I don't even exist. I never see them; never hear from them, hell, I was surprised they showed up for Hokuto's funeral. Well, then again. I'm not. She always was their favorite.' He stood from his resting spot and slowly walked across the room, stripping off his gloves. He watched as they fell to the floor before moving to the closet. 'Won't be needing those anymore. Not that they really did their job. He got me anyway.' He pushed the doors to his closet open and eyed the garments hanging in the low light of the evening.
Ever color stood out against the clean white of the surrounding walls. Each color represented a different portion of his life, a life that would never be the same. 'They're all so much like her; bright and vibrant. And yet I still wore them, never without a complaint. She was so extravagant with her own things, but always seemed to keep mine toned down, but never toned down enough for my liking. And yet I would never say a word because I knew it would hurt her feelings and I never wanted to do that. I never meant to hurt her, but I still did.' His gaze trailed down the line of clothes to a small box on the floor under the one thing of his own liking. The long white trench coat hung over a pair of black pants in the far reaches of his closet. Hokuto hadn't seen him buy it, nor sneak it into the house. 'She would have killed me if she knew I had it.' His gaze floated down to the box on the floor; what he had come to the closet for in the first place. 'And she would kill me for doing this too.'
I had to leave, so I could breathe
I hate to fight, that's not what I want.
You were so true, too good to be true;
I trusted you, and fell apart again.
I cannot change the fact that you're not coming back;
So depressed, I'm your slave.
Betray me,
You're not the one, to be trusted with my love.
Betray me,
You're not the one, who should be trusted with my love.
He spun the ornate dagger in his hand, staring at his blurred reflection in the mirror. His eyes were focused on the blade in his hands, not his face in the mirror. 'Locked together by a stupid bet at first and now by the blood of my sister.' He raised the blade to his head, gently slicing though the thick black hair. The broken strands floated down into the sink. 'I can't stand for this any longer.' He sliced through the other sideburn, watching them to float down and join their brothers. He stared at the scatter of hair in the sink. He ran his hands through his hair, brushing his bangs back into the rest of his hair. 'They'll grow out. Until then the hair gel will have to do.'
He turned to look at the blade sitting on the counter. It seemed to call out to him, urge him to do something. He picked up the carved dragon handle. His father had told him that the dragon carved on the handle had something to do with their bloodline and the future. But it was the present that he was more concerned with. 'If he wants me that bad, he'll have to get me with all of my problems.' He set the dagger on the back of the hand. He pressed the tip into his skin and waited a moment. The blood pooled into a small bead under the tip. He drug the blade down the back of his hand, leaving a bleeding line in its wake. 'I can't fight him anymore; I'm a slave to him until the day death separates us.' Dragged the blade up the back of his hand creating another line. One by one he connected his lines forming a pentagram on the back of his hand. 'It doesn't help that I can't think about him without getting choked up.' He raised his hand to look at his work. The blood ran down the back of his hand and down his arm before falling to the floor. He switched the blade into his other hand and began the process over again.
The pain was a new sensation, but it was all the same to him. 'The pain is going to be there because you can't come back. You're gone forever and it's my fault.' The blood covered blade clattered in the sink as he look up at his disheveled reflection. 'No more, Sakurazukamori. You'll own me no longer. If not for my sake, then for hers; you will die by my hand.'
The two pentagrams on his hands glowed red, overriding the darker pentacles emblazed in his skin.
I cannot change the fact that you're not coming back
So depressed, I'm your slave.
Subaru sat under one of the many Sakura trees on the CLAMP campus, watching the petals fall. 'She would have loved it here. So many different people, she would have made so many friends.' He caught one of the wayward petals and slowly turned his hand to drop it to the ground. He lingered a moment, nothing the fading scar on the back of his hand. 'I thought that was gone.'
"Subaru?" The oniymouji looked up to see the slim, heavily bandaged form of the leader of the Dragons of Heaven looming over him.
"Kamui," he replied quietly.
"You mind if I join you?" Subaru shrugged.
"Doesn't really matter to me," he replied quietly. "I'm going to be lost in my thoughts either way." The younger dragon sat down next to him. The pair sat quietly for a few moments.
"You miss her, don't you?" Kamui asked quietly. Subaru nodded.
"It still hurts, but not as much as it did before."
"How did you deal with it?" Subaru dropped the petal, returning his gaze to the scar on the back of his hand.
"Her death? With time. I can still hear people's voices echoing in my head. 'He's nothing without her. He'll never be anything without her.' But I tend to ignore those."
"Oh." Subaru's gaze had hardened. "Is there something else?" He nodded.
"It's the betrayal I will never get over. I trusted him, I loved him and he betrayed me. And I'll never be able to forgive him for that. He doesn't deserve it for betraying me."
"Doesn't deserve what?"
"Doesn't deserve to live."
Betray me
You're not the one, to be trusted with my love.
Betray me
You're not the one, who should be trusted with my love.
I cannot change the fact that you're not coming back
So depressed, I'm your slave.