It's Nothing...
"Hurry up, Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed, as they headed towards his bedchambers after training.
Merlin was staggering along behind; weighed down by the enormous pile of armour he was carrying.
"Come on!" Arthur whined, despite the fact they were nearly there.
Impatient git, Merlin mentally imitated back at him.
"Merlin!" Arthur demanded one last time, apparently deciding that words just weren't doing it, and marched back to grab hold of Merlin's arm, dragging him through the doorway into his chambers.
Pain exploded through Merlin's body. Excruciating, burning pain; sparking in his arm where Arthur was gripping, and raging throughout every nerve, every fibre, setting his skin on fire.
Instinctively, he gasped, wincing, and whipped his arm back. The armour clattered to the floor.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked, confused.
Merlin blushed bright red, and, hurriedly, bent down to retrieve the fallen chainmail, attempting to hide that particular fact.
"What's wrong?" Arthur persisted.
"Nothing." Merlin protested, still scuttling around on the floor.
"Nothing?!" Arthur barked his arrogant laugh. "How stupid do you think I am?!"
Merlin tilted his head slightly in consideration, but chose, wisely, not to answer.
"Come on, Merlin. What is it?" Arthur continued when Merlin said nothing.
"Honestly, it's nothing. It doesn't matter." Merlin insisted, eventually having gathered up all the armour and rising to his feet. "Just, leave it."
Arthur marched forwards, brushing carelessly aside the armour that Merlin had just so arduously collected. Merlin sighed.
"You forget that I am the one who gives the orders around here." Arthur put on his most pompous, controlling, demanding princely tone. "Show me your arm."
"No." Merlin refused, hurriedly hiding it behind him and scurrying backwards.
"Show it to me." Arthur repeated, voice low, following him.
"No. Why should I? It doesn't matter." Merlin quickened his pace.
"Show it to me! Now!" Arthur ordered, bringing himself up to full height, still in pursuit.
"Or what?" Merlin raised his eyebrows disdainfully, although scooting round a table so it was safely in between them.
"You forget, between the two of us, who has had over ten years of training..." Arthur challenged, facing him square on over the table.
"Oh, right. Yeh." Merlin nodded, hastily stepping away, eyes searching for an escape.
"One last chance; just show it to me and nobody has to get hurt." Arthur tested, darting side to side, teasing Merlin, only slightly threateningly.
"Seriously, Arthur. It doesn't matter. It's nothing." Merlin insisted, mirroring his movements.
"If it 'doesn't matter', if it's 'nothing', why won't you just show it to me?" Arthur pointed out, scooting to one end of the table and watching as Merlin copied.
They slowly began to circle each other around the table.
"Just… Just… Cos!" Merlin stumbled.
"Ah hah! So it is something!" Arthur announced triumphantly. Their circling sped up.
"No!" Merlin cried, practically running now.
"Then why won't you show it to me?" Arthur yelled, matching his pace.
"Because!" Merlin retorted, changing route and dashing away from the table, sprinting, instead, across the room. "I don't have to share everything with you, you know… you don't own me! Why do you even care so much? I told you it doesn't matter!" he shouted as he ran. For once in his life, he actually thanked God that Arthur's rooms were so big – usually he was cursing the size while he had to clean every inch of them.
"Beause!" Arthur imitated, mockingly.
"Oh, shut up!" Merlin sneered back, glancing over his shoulder to stick his tongue out.
Big mistake.
When he turned back, he realised he was cornered, trapped. Spinning back around, he found Arthur still prowling speedily towards him, arrogantly victorious. Attempting a brave escape, he started racing for the door, but, of course, Arthur intercepted him, and shoved him against the wall.
Merlin lashed out, kicking and flailing, very close to biting. Arthur just sighed.
"You know you can't win, Merlin. You know I'm stronger than you, and taller than you, and better trained than you."
But Merlin refused to give in. Still resisting, he managed to tuck his arm behind his body.
"Never!"
"Merlin…" Arthur drawled patronisingly.
Merlin grunted in reply, putting all his efforts into evading Arthur… which unfortunately didn't seem to help, because within moments Arthur had pinned his limbs to the wall.
He smiled condescendingly. "Good boy. Now if you wouldn't mind just showing me your arm. Who's a good boy?"
"I'm not a dog." Merlin struggled.
"Aren't you?" Arthur blinked, fake surprised. He tugged, harshly, at Merlin's arm, pulling it out from its hiding place.
Merlin winced.
"You see, if you had just done what I'd asked, none of this would have happened." Arthur tutted.
"Shut up." Merlin growled. "Get off me!"
He was trying his very best to yank it back, to get it away, but either he wasn't very strong or Arthur was too strong – or both – because it had no effect, and Arthur was able to easily tug back the sleeve…
Stillness fell upon the pair.
Merlin's face blushed in embarrassment.
Arthur stared.
No one moved.
Deep, red lines lacerated Merlin's arm, forming a bleeding lattice of fresh scars.
"Merlin…" Arthur gasped.
And that slight noise seemed to bring Merlin back to his senses.
Jerking down his sleeve, he brushed past Arthur, who had gone slack with shock, and headed to the door.
"If that will be all, sire…" he began.
"Who did this to you?" Arthur's voice was cold and hard. The eyes he fixed on Merlin now were blazing with an icy fire. Angry determination emanated from him, fuelling his every thought.
"W-What?" Merlin stuttered.
"Who. Did this. To you?" Arthur repeated, bleak rage grating on every word. He stepped forwards.
"No one!" Merlin protested.
"No one?" Arthur choked a shattering laugh.
Merlin nodded frantically.
"No one?!" Arthur bellowed suddenly, the frozen layer breaking to release the raw, burning fury beneath. "Because I swear to God, Merlin… whoever this was… I will kill them! You just say the name, and I'll rip them into a thousand tiny pieces and feed them to the beasts. I will throw them into the dungeons to starve and rot, and watch as their own body digests itself and know exactly what they did wrong. I will… I'll… kill them! Just… say the name! Tell me who!"
Merlin blinked, eyes wide with the passion Arthur held in these words.
"Who! Say it!" Arthur roared again, bringing Merlin back to the truth.
"I told you, nobody did this to me." Merlin reinforced.
"What happened then?" Arthur questioned, forcefully sceptical.
"It was an accident!" Merlin attempted.
"What? You accidentally fell onto a bed of blades? A table of knives?" Arthur spat sarcastically.
"No! Just a normal accident. Errand for Gaius." Merlin mumbled vaguely.
"Hah." Arthur scoffed. "You always say that. You're always so unclear."
"There's not much to say…" Merlin tried.
"Of course there is. It must be something pretty big, considering how many cuts there are there." Arthur pointed out.
"I…" Merlin stuttered. "I fell in a bush… Er… My arm got stuck in a thorn bush."
Arthur grabbed Merlin's hand, carefully although without warning, peeling back the sleeve again. Merlin considered struggling, but decided it wasn't worth it.
But then, oh so gently, Arthur's fingers began to delicately stroke the ragged marks, tracing their pattern, almost affectionately. Merlin fell into a slight trance at his touch; it was calming and comforting, while oddly… electrifying?
Just as Merlin began to think he had possibly gotten away with it, Arthur started to slowly shake his head.
"You're lying." He stated. At least he had calmed down.
"Why do you say that?" Merlin fought to keep his tone level while, internally, he groaned; the bush story had been good he thought.
"Too straight." Arthur commented. "The cuts. They're too straight, too precise, too structured. Plus, they're only on one side of your arm. If your arm had got 'stuck in a bush' then surely it would be covered in scratches, not just on one side. Also, these are too deep for a bush, much too deep…." Arthur's eyes met Merlin's, and he beseeched into them desperately. "Why are you lying to me, Merlin?"
Merlin opened and closed his mouth, unsure what to say. He did this a few times. He realised he probably resembled something of a goldfish right now, but, he couldn't seem to stop himself. What did he say? If he acknowledged the fact that he was lying, he would have to explain why, which would be near impossible to do without saying what… happened… instead. And if he did manage to navigate that, Arthur would still want to know and would probably manage to get it out of him. But if he kept denying the lie… Arthur knew he was lying, it was impossible to hold your ground against Arthur. He sighed. He'd left it too long to deny now anyway.
"I can't tell you, Arthur." Merlin sighed eventually.
"Why not?" Arthur demanded.
Merlin almost smiled; poor Arthur, the treasured Prince of Camelot, the legendary Once and Future King, so used to getting his every fleeting fancy, finally had found something that he couldn't receive simply by summoning or fighting.
"I just can't, Arthur." Merlin
"Why are you defending whoever did this to you?"
"I… I'm not!" Merlin struggled.
"Was it someone I know? Was it one of the knights? Was it Gaius? Gwen?!" Arthur's voice heightened as his suggestions grew wilder. His eyes were bulging, desperately in need.
"Arthur, you're getting ridiculous. Of course it wasn't anyone like that. Calm down." Merlin attempted.
This was apparently the wrong thing to say.
"Calm down?!" Arthur thundered. "CALM DOWN?! You're standing here with your wrist sliced open and you're telling me to calm down?! Are you insane?! Have you even had it properly looked to? Have you even asked anyone to tend it for you? It doesn't look tended to? Are you even stupider than I previously thought, Merlin?!"
"I'm taking care of it…" Merlin muttered.
"Well, you've done an awful job, Merlin. You need to get this properly looked at. Why haven't you shown it to Gaius? Why are you keeping it a secret? Why are you protecting whoever did this to you? They deserve to be locked up, executed! MERLIN! Why?! What?! I just don't get you, Merlin, you don't make any sense! And, God, you're so stupid! Why didn't you tell me? Who did this to you?! Urgh, forget it, you little stubborn mule! I'm taking you to Gaius!"
"No…" Merlin protested. "Don't, please. I don't want Gaius to know!"
"Why not?! Why the hell not?! Why are you protecting them?! Why are you keeping this a secret?! Is it really so hard just to tell me?!"
"Yes." Merlin confirmed, surprising Arthur.
"I won't tell anyone! Merlin, do you really have that low an opinion of me?! Christ, Merlin! Why are you so difficult? I mean, you're always so difficult! Why can't you just be normal, huh? Why can't you just do everything that I tell you to like everyone else? Why are you so stupid, and then so brave, but so stupid? Why are you not telling me this? Why on Earth do you have to keep this a secret? Why haven't you got it tended? Or at least tended it properly? Why are you so stupid, Merlin?!" Arthur's rant raged on and on, the same things over and over again. About how Merlin was so stupid, and who was it, and why wasn't he saying anything. And "God's sakes, Merlin, you're just so stupid!"
Inside, Merlin's blood began to boil. Arthur had no right to talk to him like this. He had no right to know all this stuff about Merlin's private life. He had no right whatsoever to call him stupid again and again after everything Merlin had done for him! He had no idea! He literally had no idea! Merlin's anger formed a red cloud that seized his brain. Every thought was fury. He wasn't thinking properly. He just knew that if Arthur told him he was stupid one more time…
"Merlin… I mean… Merlin… You're just… so stupid!"
That's it. That is literally it. Merlin had had enough. The red mist had taken over. He knew he shouldn't. He just couldn't control it! He'd had enough! This was it!
"Myself." He stated.
Arthur paused in his onslaught of words, eyes wide and staring.
"What?" he blinked.
"I said myself." Merlin repeated, keeping his tone empty. That was the way he showed anger best.
"Yourself what?" Arthur asked warily, although he already had an idea.
"I did this to myself." Merlin clarified, bringing up his arm and glaring it right in Arthur's face.
Arthur's heart dropped.
"W-What?" he stuttered, mouth slack and falling open.
Merlin fixed him with this terrifyingly powerful, steady gaze. "I took a blade and I sliced my skin open again and again and again and again."
Arthur's head felt light and spinning. What was happening? What? What was going on? Who? What? He stepped back and leant against the table. "I don't understand."
"Every night, for the past… while, I have taken a knife, and cut into my flesh." Merlin spoke again.
"Every night?!... and… and… wouldn't that hurt?" Arthur choked.
Merlin smiled sadly. For a Prince, this boy was awfully naïve. "That's sort of the point."
Arthur spluttered, his mouth fumbling with sounds. Eventually, he managed to form something that sounded roughly like "Why?"
Merlin shrugged. "Number of reasons, really." Despite his anger, which was fading slightly now and he was starting to regret telling, he didn't want to get into this conversation. Somehow, he felt that Arthur was going to push for it anyway.
"Then tell me them. I swear I will do whatever it takes to get rid of them." Arthur persisted as Merlin had predicted.
Merlin sighed. Well, that was sweet, but… "You're one of them. A rather major one, in fact."
"Me?!" Arthur exclaimed, rage bursting within him. "How dare you?! How am I reason for this?!"
Merlin raised an eyebrow.
Arthur stopped speaking and took a moment. He opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. "I… I'm… I'm sorry… Merlin." He managed.
Their eyes met. And suddenly, the air around them seemed far too… heavy. It was pressing in on them, forcing every movement to be unbearable. They were stuck, just gazing into the other's eyes, unable to move, unable to breathe. But, neither of them wanted to.
But then Merlin coughed and the moment was broken.
"I should really… er… get going. And go and er… run an errand… for Gaius." He stumbled.
"No!" Arthur protested instantly. Then, almost flushing, added "Er, you really need to get that tended to."
Merlin shrugged. "It's fine. Plus… I don't want to tell Gaius. And it will probably happen again soon so what's the point?"
Arthur's eyes widened. "But… No… Er… When… Er… When was the last time you…?" he trailed off.
"Last night." Merlin at least had the grace to look away.
"Last night?! But… No." Arthur was pretty sure this was what heartbreak felt like. Like every part of your body was just so heavy, but so fragile, and drifting apart from each other, but sucking in on you at the same time. "Don't… I mean, er… please stop?"
"I would if I could, Arthur." Merlin sighed.
"But… I can't… I mean… you've got to. I can't… you can't… you just can't." Arthur attempted. It was almost endearing to see the arrogant prince looking so lost, and almost scared.
Merlin just shrugged sadly.
"At least let me tend it for you. I know that I'm not the best at that kind of thing, but… Let me try and help." Arthur looked at his feet, ashamed. Merlin knew that he felt bad for 'being one of the reasons' and almost felt bad for telling him that he was.
"Ok." Merlin conceded, and watched as Arthur smiled slightly, then fumbled over to the cupboard where the bandages were.
"Sit." He instructed and Merlin followed his orders. Nothing had really changed there then.
Slowly, Arthur put out his hand, and Merlin obediently rested his arm in his grip. Then, oh so very gently, Arthur peeled back the fabric of Merlin's sleeve. He was never going to be able to get used to this; the skin looking so harsh and red, puckered along the violent strokes, waiting to be opened up again in another attack of pain. His breath caught, but he was careful to cover his reaction. He didn't want to offend Merlin.
Softly, he dabbled the cloth in some nearby water before pressing it lightly to the wounds. He saw Merlin wince, and apologized, careful to be even gentler. As he worked, he allowed his fingers to caress the punctured skin, soothing it. He pretended it was an accident, but really, he liked the way Merlin's eyes melted every time he did. He wanted to do anything to make him feel better. And would do anything to stop it from ever happening again.
Urgh, what was happening to him? One upset from his servant and he had gone all soft and emotional and caring and urgh. This was pathetic, the way that he was acting. But… this wasn't just his servant. This was Merlin.
Carefully, he bound it up winding the bandages round and round, protecting it, and protecting Merlin from it.
However, as he was wrapping it, Merlin's arm started twitching from the discomfort. On instinct, Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's arm, or more specifically, his hand.
They both looked up simultaneously, eyes meeting. Arthur blushed and made to remove his hand but Merlin gasped "No." before thinking. Then he too blushed. "I mean, well, it stops my arm from twitching. And it stops the pain. So, er, keep it there."
"Right." Arthur nodded, replacing his hand.
He continued, but before long, he reached the area of most concentration. He let his eyes trace over each of the fresh scars, following them, begging them to disappear under his gaze. He wished he could calm the raw sting that they held, or undo the damage they had ever done. Instead, he hastened to cover them up. He tugged the bandage over them, perhaps a bit too hurriedly, forgetting to be quite so very gentle as he needed to be, and felt Merlin twitch again. He pulled them under and over again, and this time, felt Merlin's hand contract over his own. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Merlin flushing, and just knew that he was about to relax his hand again.
But, for whatever reason, he didn't want that to happen.
He wasn't entirely sure why, but he didn't want Merlin to let go. Maybe it was just the way that his hand felt gripping onto his own; so comfortable and comforting, and small. Maybe it was more the way that his skin felt like it was alight with the contact, or the way that his heart seemed to have leapt at the notion. Maybe it was the way that he felt like his entire life and just come together with that simple, single touch. Or maybe it just felt… right. And, sort of… nice.
Whatever reason it was, he didn't want it to stop. So, he closed his hand, I guess, in a way, holding on to Merlin's. So they were holding hands. He could feel Merlin's hand tense, then relax, and he got on with bandaging.
They didn't say anything, they didn't even make eye contact, Arthur just kept on winding and Merlin sat there patiently. The only thing that had changed was the fact that they were now, sort of holding hands. And both were wearing the most beaming of smiles, despite the fact they were trying to hide them. And Arthur's thumb may have occasionally swept over the soft skin on the back of Merlin's hand, just to ease it all, you know. And Merlin's finger may have stroked a little in return. Just to say thanks, you know.
"Done." Arthur finally announced, although his voice was low and soft, and he seemed to have no intention of moving.
"Thanks." Merlin breathed, acting the same.
Neither removed their hand from the others.
There was a moment's silence.
Then Arthur spoke. "I just wanted to say that… I promise I won't tell anyone. I'll keep your secret. Not to say I'm at all happy about it, but I respect your wishes. That said, I don't want it to happen anymore. So if you ever feel… you know… then you come and talk to me and I will do whatever I can to make it stop. Any time. I promise."
Merlin blinked, surprised at the desperation and emotion in Arthur's tone. He felt his throat constricted by sudden tears, and so just nodded instead.
"I mean it, Merlin."
"Ok."
They sat for a moment more, eyes locked, hands entwined and caressing, hearts beating rather faster than usual. There was silence.
Then, "Merlin?" Arthur whispered.
"Yes?" Merlin replied in a similar hushed manner.
"I…" Arthur began.
But all of a sudden the door swung open, and Gwaine strode in calling "Arthur?..."
He trailed off when his gaze latched onto the situation and his mind whirled, processing it. The pair instinctively leapt apart, although not fast enough for Gwaine's face to break into a beaming smirk.
"So sorry. Didn't mean to… interrupt." He winked.
"You didn't. I mean, nothing for you to interrupt." Arthur protested.
Gwaine raised an eyebrow. "Sure, sure."
"We were just… I mean… he was… I was…" Merlin stuttered. Arthur sighed.
"I was bandaging his arm. He… had an accident." Arthur tried to explain.
"Oh I bet he did. And what on Earth could an innocent little boy like Merlin do to damage his arm while alone with Arthur in his bedchambers?" Gwaine breathed suggestively. "Don't mind me. I'll leave you two to your… accidents."
"No, it's fine…" Merlin objected.
"We're done…" Arthur spoke at exactly the same time.
They looked at each other, then hurriedly looked away. Gwaine's grin widened. There was a pause while he assessed them.
"Look, all bandaged up." Merlin and Arthur spoke together, then sent angry glares in the other's direction for being so in sync.
Gwaine couldn't help but laugh; there never was a couple more made for each other than Merlin and Arthur.
Thankfully for the pair, he decided to let it go.
"I just came to let you know, Arthur, that the knights are all headed to the tavern, if you would care to join. Unless, of course, you're… otherwise occupied."
"No, no. Brilliant. I'm coming. All done here." Arthur immediately accepted.
"And you, Merlin?" Gwaine extended the offer graciously, although possibly more for his enjoyment than either Merlin or Arthur's.
"Yup. No. I don't mind. Arthur?" Merlin asked, unsure whether Arthur would want him there, or whether he wanted errands… or whatever. Arthur didn't own him! But still…
"I don't care. Doesn't affect me either way." Arthur shrugged, stubbornly, very much aware that he did care very deeply, indicated by the fact that his heart rate was still going a million miles an hour.
"Then yes." Merlin agreed, nodding to Gwaine.
Gwaine's smile nearly split his face; this was going to be a fun evening. Well, for him at least. He gestured to the door and the pair obediently followed, eager to get away from this all.
"And if you two ever need, you know, some private time… just let me know." Gwaine teased as they walked out.
What? He wasn't going to let them get away that easily!
And if they thought this was bad, they had no idea what was in store.
Thanks for reading, hope you are enjoying! This started off as a one shot but I reckon there will be a second and possibly third chapter now... ooops my bad! Sorry this turned so dark and I do not mean any offence or anything by it.