A/N: My interpretation of what might have happened the night of Julia's death. I didn't make the fight about a pregnancy; I feel that teenagers can get upset over smaller things- things that can bring out the worst of insecurities. One-shot. Reviews are welcome.
Sometimes I gear going to sleep because of the demons that will haunt me in my dreams. I am content now, yet I will never be able to escape the one atrocity in my life that keeps me from being free. I'm a permanent prisoner of my past, and nothing will able to redeem my soul.
I was there when she died. My actions, to some and to myself, had caused her death. I can remember the visceral reaction I had to seeing her body contort in the air and then slamming down hard on the ground, as lifeless as a ragdoll. Her accusing eyes glared at me; still shiny from her tears I had made her shed. I don't want to remember that night, but it's as clear as day.
Jules had been my childhood friend whom I was undeniably in love with since the day we met. I remember the very first sight of her; she was breathtaking- even for a nine-year old. Her dark black hair was cropped short to her ears; she reminded me of a childlike-elf. Her hands were as delicate as orchids, and her smile was soft and innocent. She was a small child, and her stature was slight. Immediately, I knew that this girl, this wonderful girl, was fragile. I made it my God given right to protect her at all costs.
She turned around to face me in all my 4 feet 7 inches worth of glory as a nine-year old, only to burst into fits of tears. I had been admiring her from across the school yard, yet she was pointing at me to tell me to come to her.
"What happened, Julia?" I asked, breathlessly.
She stopped crying for a moment to gaze at me in wonder. "You know my name?" she whispered softly, still sniffling from her weeping.
I smirked. "I do. My name's…"
"Eli. Eli Goldsworthy," she finished. This time it was my turn to gaze at her in amazement. The girl whom I had only dreamed of looking at me knew my name. I was in prepubescent heaven.
"That's right," I replied softly. I glanced down at her hands. Her sweet, little, breakable hands were covered in asphalt and blood. She had scraped herself up a bit. She looked down when she realized I was staring. "I fell…but I'm crying because always fall. I'm just so clumsy."
I took her hands into my own. "Stick with me. I'll be sure to catch you next time you fall."
Her face flushed, and she smiled self-consciously.
"Come on, Jules. Let's get you cleaned up."
Sadly, I barely remember this memory because the darkest one of them all blots it out of my mind. I'm stuck with the agonizing recall of the night where I was supposed to catch Julia; instead, I let her fall.
My sophomore year had been perfect. My grades were decent, my parents were reconciling after being separated for a month, and Julia was finally mine. It had taken me almost a year's worth of persuading for us to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend, even though we were intimate with each other. Every day she promised me that we would be together forever. Every day I promised her that I would protect her and make her feel safe. I guess we both lied.
She was coming over to tell me something exciting that night. I couldn't wait; I had no idea what she was so excited for. Her elatedness made me equally enthusiastic about whatever it was. Maybe she finally decided to move in with me permanently. We had discussed this as a possibility because of the adversity she faced at home with her stepmother.
"Eli, you'll have to wait until I come over! It won't take me long to bike over there. I think you are going to be really pleased!" she squealed.
"Ah, you are leaving hanging, Jules. Okay, hurry over, just be careful," I warned.
I could hear her giggle over the phone. "My Eli, always cautious and protective. I'll be right over. Love you!"
"I love you," I responded.
I closed my eyes as I hung up the phone. Life couldn't have gotten any better.
I leapt off my bed and ruffled through a pile of clean laundry. It had been two days since Jules spent the night; I had to make sure my bedroom was appropriate. I threw the rest of my laundry in my already overstuffed closet, flinching as some old toys fell out of the door. I kicked the toys underneath my bed, and hurried downstairs to wait for my love.
She came in a flash. I watched her bike into my driveway and locking her bike on our iron cast railing. She lifted her hand to knock on the door, but I beat her there.
I swung the door open. She lifted one eye brow and stared for a moment. She broke out into laughter a second later.
"Eager to see me, are you, Elijah?" she smirked.
"Eager as always."
She followed me up to my room with a slight skip in her step. I don't remember the last time she was so happy. Jules gazed around my haphazardly picked up room.
"Wow, Eli. Did you actually put away your laundry?"
I cleared my throat. "If by throwing it in my closet means it's put away, then yes."
Smiling, she flopped belly first on my bed. "Oh Eli, I'm so happy."
I mimicked her belly flop beside her and gave her a grin. "You need to fill me in with the details, Miss."
Her big, chocolate eyes found mine. "Are you ready for this?"
I nodded enthusiastically. "Spit it out, Jules."
She paused as if she were savoring this moment. "I've been accepted to Shawnigan Lake! Isn't this great?"
My brain had to process what she had just revealed to me. Shawnigan Lake was a ritzy prep school. This didn't make any sense. I could feel my smile fade from my face. It was replaced by a look of concern.
"You don't look too thrilled, Eli," she said calmly, a bit deflated. I felt bad that this wasn't the reaction that she wanted, but I was curious about this all together.
"Well, what do you mean you got accepted? Isn't that place for rich kids?"
"Yes, but I received a scholarship for-"
"For what?" I exclaimed, rather rudely.
I regretted it, because she instantly recoiled in hurt.
"I received a scholarship for my writing, Eli."
Herwriting? HER writing? "Really? Your writing? You mean, the papers that you give me to edit for you before you hand them in to be graded?" I snapped.
She looked taken aback by my comment. She was silent for a moment, then said, "You know, I thought you would be happy that I got into such a prominent school. Yes, you helped me edit those papers, and for that, I am grateful. This is why you are the first to know! I haven't even told my parents that I've been accepted with a scholarship yet."
I dug deep into the darkest place of my being. I had to make her see that going to this school would be bad for her- for us.
"Shawnigan Lake is on Vancouver Island, Jules. How are we supposed to be in a relationship when you are so far? You realize its 2100 miles away from Toronto. How could you even think about leaving me?" I interrogated her, my voice shaking.
This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not when everything had been so incredibly perfect.
Jules hesitated as if she were thinking of her answer carefully. "Eli, it's not about leaving you. I will be home for holiday breaks, and we will have the summers to ourselves. I was hoping you'd come and visit when you could, also. Look, Eli, we can make it work. I know our love is strong enough to endure a little extra mileage."
She was speaking on deaf ears. All I could think about was my insecurities.
"Julia, you promised that you'd never leave me. You promised me forever!"
Julia jumped to her feet in a huff, as if she were frustrated with me. "You know Eli, I don't know how else to say it, but I'm going to Shawnigan Lake, with or without your blessing. I have to do what's right for my future, and this is it. I love you with all my heart, but I don't need your permission to pursue a superior level of education! I'm sorry that you feel like I'm going back on a promise, but you really aren't seeing the whole picture." She paused to take a breath and continued with a softer voice. "Why don't I get you an application so that you can apply for the spring semester at Shawnigan? You could definitely get in with your writing-"
My inhibitions let go, and I snapped. I stood up and got right up in Julia's face, my eyes wide with fury. "I don't need to follow you to your stupid first class school. You used me to get ahead, Julia. What kind of girlfriend uses her boyfriend like that? If it weren't for my editing, you would never have gotten accepted. Go to your little private school, get the education of your dreams, but do not expect to come home to a loving boyfriend, Jules. I will not be waiting to catch you anymore."
She was silent. I regretted everything I had just said, of course. I softened my glare when I saw the tears.
"Jules, darling, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
Julia threw up her hands when I reached out to touch her. "No. Don't touch me." she seethed through clenched teeth. She was angrier than I had anticipated. Her tone really scared me.
She spun on her heel and trudged down the stairs, leaving me to process what had just happened. I was a fool for reacting the way I had. Julia was a brilliant writer who deserved to go to a great school. I ran after her, but she had already started to bike away from my house.
I quickly ran to the back shed and grabbed my bike. It was close to dark, and visibility was poor. I sprinted as fast as I could to catch up to her. My heart fluttered and dropped when I could hear her sobs. She was stationary at the corner across from the community playground.
"Jules!" I called out. I was still a block away from her.
"Go away, Eli! I don't want to talk to you!" she shouted. I pedaled faster.
"Jules, come on, just listen!" I called out. I was closer, and she saw me. She quickly mounted her bike and put her front wheel on the road. She looked back and started to pedal away from me across the road.
"Go home, Eli!"
I raced to catch up. I was almost at the corner when from out of nowhere, a car without its headlights on came careening around the corner and was headed straight towards Julia.
"Oh my god, Julia, Look out!" I screamed.
In what seemed to be in slow motion, her head turned towards the car and then towards me. I could barely make out the fear that was plastered all over her face. She never had time to pedal out of the way before she was hit with a sickening thud. In horror, I watched her frail, little frame sail through the air. She was my world, and it all came crashing to the ground all at once.
I couldn't move for a moment. My legs weren't able to work properly. I stumbled off my bike and ran as quickly as I could to my girlfriend. I dropped to my knees beside her, taking in as much as I could. Her body was twisted at such an unnatural angle; I knew she was in bad shape. Blood was seeping from her nose and ears. Her breathing was heavily labored and shallow.
"Oh my god! I never even saw her! I'll call an ambulance!" I heard a distant voice yell. I barely heard it; I was focused on my Julia.
"Julia…come on, Baby. Stay with me, Jules. Please don't leave," I pleaded, my voice shaking uncontrollably. I was beyond shocked and horrified.
Her eyes found mine, almost pleading me to save her. She opened her mouth to say something. Instead, she took her last breath and exhaled for the last time. I knew she had just died. I squeezed my eyes shut hard, expecting a whirlwind of emotions to overcome me, but instead, I very calmly and gently picked up her delicate hands and inspected them. They were bleeding and covered with asphalt.
"Come on Jules. Let's get you cleaned up."