Poems, Porn, Platypuses, Portuguese, Passwords

Summary: This is why you don't piss off Eames. Fill for LJ InceptionKink. Cracky crack fun.

Prompt: Eames knows people well, so it's easy for him to predict their behavior. He has no trouble guessing everyone's computer passwords. He finds some surprising/disturbing things in their computers, but keeps the secret to himself.

A/N: FF(dot)net needs a crack listing under the genres. Forreal.

Eames knew people. He just did. So when he found himself alone in the warehouse one early morning (he had fallen asleep and no one bother waking him up, fucking wankers), he decided to put his people skills to use (revenge, bitches).

Arthur

For the point man, a normal person would have thought that Arthur would keep his laptop with him at all times. Fortunately for Eames, he knew a certain architect was preoccupying his mind THUS distracting the man THUS ensuring mistakes made by said man. (Eames only hoped that the point man wouldn't forget his job. Inception was a big deal after all.)

Arthur's password was painfully easy: Ar1andex3 (The 'x3' to represent a heart, really man? Sure Mr. Stick ain't pitching for the other team? Nah... gay as he acted, Arthur was all about the tits.)

Arthur's a private guy. So initially, Eames expected him to keep a shitload of porn. (Preferably tiny brunettes.) But alas, the forger found something even more disturbing...

Love poems. Badly written love poems.

"Your curly brown hair,
Your sweet tender eyes like tea,
Skin so soft, so fair.
Oh, how I wish you'll be with me…"

(Really Arthur? REALLY?) Even though the point man was apparently one badass mother fucker, Eames saw him for who he really is... a love-struck teenage girl (stuck in a thirty-four year old male body).

Ariadne

When Eames was getting sick of the gushy love poems (the girl, Artie, wrote a total of 238 poems… 198 were just about Ariadne's hair), he moved on the object of Arthur's affections: the bubbly, young architect.

One might expected the girl's password to be about her college major. Eames was not one; he was 'The One' (the one to know her password). He typed in the password that popped into his head: sw4gt4astic

When he was granted access, Eames applauded himself. He bet Arthur couldn't even crack that one. (You see, in the past few weeks, for a white girl, Ariadne could pop her booty like no other.)

Any person who met Ariadne would think that her computer was filled with homework and CAD programs designed for her major. They aren't wrong. They just aren't Eames who know Ariadne more than she does.

The contents of her computer are exactly what he thinks are in them… a shitload of porn. (All Eames believes should be on Arthur's hard-drive… but he won't judge a young lady…)

Her collection is extensive. There's straight porn, lesbian porn, gay porn, hentai, orgies … The contents vary from toys (vibrators, dildos, fuck machines, sex swings), to positions (doggy-style, riding, sixty-nine, standing sixty-nine), to locations (classrooms, public, private, bathrooms, warehouses…). There are all kinds of sex, from tender love-making to downright fucking. She has a insane of amount of bondage (which if Eames was straight, he have no problem tying her up, but alas, the forger is forever gay as fuck, so he'll leave the bondage to the pointman.) There's role-playing: teacher and student, nurse and patient, cop and robber, step-dad and step-daughter, master and slave…

And about 69% (see the pun there? it's so punny) of the videos are all gay sex (not lesbian sex, BUT FULL ON MAN FUCKING MAN SEX... though lesbian pussy-eating was very common among the videos).

There's so much porn… Eames doesn't know whether to be aroused, impressed, disturbed, or disgusted. (Maybe all of the above.)

Yusuf

When the porn was just too much for the forger (he had only one clean pair of pants after all). He moved on the chemist's computer. This time, he didn't have to guess. (He and Yusuf have been friends for a very long chemist told him the password a long time ago):

Babsybab13s (Babsy was the name of his cat).

Eames knew exactly what he would find on the computer: chemical formulas and pictures of cute animals. But hey, Eames liked looking at cute pictures of bunnies as much as Yusuf did, and the man updates his collection every two days.

To astonishment, Yusuf changed the long timed screen-saver of his cat to a platypus. (It amused Eames to no end.)

Saito

No room for tourist, Eames believes. That never stopped him, however, from observing the business man. He discovers the man was a spender (and who wouldn't be with his kind of money).

The password was simple enough: fuckb1tchesgetm0ney

After two minutes, however, Eames shut down the computer. Everything was in Portuguese. (How a Japanese business man was fluent in Portuguese… Eames will never understand.)

Cobb

The thing about Cobb's laptop, Eames already knew, one, the password would be 'dmpj04' (Dominick Mallorie Phillipa James, and 2004 was the year he met Mal) and two, he didn't have one.

So instead of hacking it, he decided to finish the rest of his slumber on Cobb's desk.

(Revenge is sweet.)