Here I Am
Close your eyes and I'll be by your side
Think of me and in a moment I'll be there
Holding you in my arms again
Elphaba gazed out through the thick forest and sighed as those words from so long ago came floating back to her. How she wished those words were true. How she wished she could indeed just close her eyes and immediately be in his embrace.
The night is cold, there's darkness all around
Empty silence, not a whisper, not a sound at all
And all I wish is that I could be where you are
When all of your dreams come true and then
I wish I could be by your side
All the fire in your heart is fading
The darker the night
I see you again
The closer you are
Just have to wait to go
Elphaba shivered and pulled her cloak closer around her. The night air was too still; too quiet. Usually this didn't bother her; but tonight, everything felt so different. As a rule, Elphaba loved the forest. She couldn't think of anywhere else she would rather be. She felt at peace in the forest. There was no-one there to ridicule her; there was no-one there who was afraid of her; there was no-one there to hunt her down. The Gale Force never came this far into the forest at night, so Elphaba generally felt quite safe.
But tonight was different.
Elphaba had no means to keep track of dates. How could one do so when one was constantly on the run? And yet she knew. She could not explain how, but her heart felt it. It was three years ago today when she last saw him. The man who plagued her thoughts when she finished her day's work and haunted her dreams when she needed sleep. The man whose name she refused to even think, fearing some part of her she did not know existed would give in to emotion, the one thing she could not afford under any given circumstance.
But, even so, he was the man she knew she loved.
She had told herself once, long ago, that she should not dream of him or wish for him. He could never be hers, and any such thoughts would only lead to a strong weakness in her she absolutely could not afford. She had been telling herself the same thing each day ever since.
She told herself the same thing now as she tried not to think about him.
Yet, all the same, her mind kept wandering back to him, and she found herself wishing, against her will, that she could be with him in that moment.
The night was growing darker as she continued to stare through the trees. And suddenly, Elphaba blinked. That could not be right. No, she must be seeing things. Squinting, Elphaba clearly saw that face she had tried desperately hard to forget. His brown hair, being brushed gently back from his forehead by a slight breeze that picked up. Those eyes, as blue as the sky on a clear summer's day, watching her tenderly. Those perfect lips, curving up into a beautiful, slightly-crooked smile with just a hint of dimples. He was so real. But it was impossible. It could not be. Elphaba shook her head to clear it.
And he was gone.
Where you are is where my heart will guide me
Is where I know that I'll be next time I open my eyes
Next time the world comes alive
For her, the only time the world had been alive was during her brief time with him. Of course, that could not last. The first time she had felt alive had been that fateful day with the Lion Cub.
It had been that day she had first had to tell herself not to bother with such fantasies about him. He could have any girl he wanted; that much was a proven fact. And he could never want her. The lowliest of the low could not want her, let alone someone like him.
Even after their time together, she knew he could not have loved her. She wondered idly what would happen if he could love her. Would he find her? Would his heart know where he should look?
Maybe it was not too outlandish a suggestion afterall. He had joined the Gale Force to search for her, that much was obvious. Up until now, she had always assumed he had turned against her, too; another reason why she should forget about any possible feelings towards him. She was convinced he had grown to hate her, too. Their brief, forbidden time together could not possibly have been important enough to him to stop him from believing those horrid lies.
But what if he had joined the Gale Force for another reason entirely? What if it had been because he truly had loved her, and, feeling he had no option but to let his heart guide him to her, had hoped against hope that would be the solution? Would it work?
No. Elphaba shook her head against such thoughts. That was not a possibility. He was happy with Glinda; she knew that much from what she had seen as she had gone about her work. How had such idealistic dreams even entered her head when she had so strictly forced herself to ward off any stray thoughts involving him?
Thoughts of you are keeping me alive
Memories of the time that's long since passed us by
Keeping me safe and warm inside
That was new, and she refused to believe it. But even as she convinced herself it was her cause keeping her alive, she knew, deep down inside, that it really was not. It was him. It was those thoughts of him that kept springing to mind, unbidden, that kept her going as nothing else ever could. Still, she could not accept that. She was stronger than this. So it was three years ago today she had last seen him face-to-face. The next week would mark the same anniversary with Glinda. She was the important one in this; Elphaba's first, last and only friend.
She growled softly as her traitorous thoughts informed her it was really Fiyero who was the important one.
And there was the name. The name she had refused to let herself remember for the past three years.
And with his name came all those moments she could never allow herself to remember. The day he arrived at Shiz, all attitude and carelessness. The day with the Lion Cub, when he had accidentally shown her depths she was certain he had never shown anyone else before. The same day she had fallen in love.
With that realization, Elphaba felt her heart give a painful throb in her chest, and she clutched a hand at it, willing these thoughts to go away. But they wouldn't.
She remembered the awkwardness of rooming with the girl dating the man she was trying too hard not to love. She remembered that night – the first time they had spoken after the incident with the Lion Cub – and what had followed. His declaration. Her disbelief. Their mutual attraction. This, the very same song he had sung to her that evening. She remembered the affair all-too-clearly, and her guilt, even now, ate at her from inside. Yet, no matter how hard she tried, still she could not regret it. The only thing she regretted was remembering it.
When you feel lost and all alone
And your world has broken all around you
If I don't make it through the night
If I don't see you at the dawn
I'll carry you through
It will always be you and I
She had felt that way for three years and he had never come to her. Why should he suddenly do so now? How could he? Why would he want to even try? It was simple, really: he wouldn't.
She had not only felt, but been, alone for the entirety of her life. It had taken her twenty-two years to meet him. It had taken her four months to have him. It had taken her three weeks to keep him. It had taken her one letter to lose him. How could it possibly take her three years to have him again? Again, it was simple: it couldn't. She had to face it. What they had had been wonderful at the time, but there was no way they could ever get it back now, even if he wanted and they both tried.
Maybe, if she closed her eyes as he had once told her, it could happen. Elphaba let herself indulge in that frivolous thought for just a moment before banishing it. Some things just are not meant to be.
Where you are is where my heart will guide me
Is where I know that I'll be next time I open my eyes
Next time my world comes alive
Where you are is where my life will take me
Where dawn will find and wake me
Where I'll be holding you close
Where I will never let go
Even after her quick suppression of thoughts in the realms of him wanting to find her, Elphaba could not fight the surge of hope that ran through her as she recalled his words. Maybe it was a possibility afterall. Maybe he really was looking for her – and not with the intent to kill or arrest.
Were he to find her now, she was not sure she would be able to force herself away from him. She was certain she would, counter to all conscious thought, want him to stay with her; to take her into his arms; to love her as he had all those years ago. But then, she would never be able to let him go again. And that thought alone frightened her. She should banish these thoughts immediately. If any of it came true, it would be the end of her. But no: it would not come true. It couldn't possibly.
I will conquer any mountain that's in my way
Nothing but your name is all that I care to say
And we will never be apart
She had no need to conquer mountains. She could fly straight to his window and be done with it. She knew the way – she shouldn't, but she did. It would be so easy to go there now.
But there was no way she was going to let herself be caught or killed just to see him. She couldn't. She may as well, such was her life, but she had Animals relying on her. She had to see this through, and the only way she could do that was if she stayed alive. No, she would stay here, alone with her thoughts, those traitorous thoughts she uselessly pushed away, only to have them come flooding back tenfold, led by that name. Fiyero. Her mind blankly kept repeating his name. They had already been apart for three years. They could not possibly come together again now. No, she must go on without him. But, oh, it hurt.
Where you are is where my heart will guide me
Is where I know that I'll be
When morning comes, I will be where you are
She could so easily make it happen. But she could not give in to such temptation. These thoughts must be pushed away and must never return.
But even as she admonished herself, that traitorous part of her silently cried out to Fiyero, wishing he could hear: "Here I am!"
Author's Note: This is a one-shot that popped into my head just now while I was listening to 'Where You Are' by Ana Milva Gomes and Anton Zetterholm (best Fiyero ever!). I thought it was something different, and I'm quite proud of it (hoping it makes sense), so please tell me what you think! It was a bit difficult to put the lyrics down, since it's a duet (and I hope I got them right), but I think it works/makes sense. Also, please tell me if you would like this turned into a two-shot with a shot similar to this but from Fiyero's POV. And, also, if you would be interested in a chapter fic detailing the affair Elphaba alluded to. Though if anyone wants to see that, it would likely be a long/longish wait, as I have several chapter stories going at the moment and I am DETERMINED to finish SOMETHING for a change! Since I haven't managed to do that in the Wicked fandom yet...anyway...you're probably sick of me rambling, so please review and tell me what you think! Oh, and please vote in my new poll on my profile! Thanks! xx