Hello, current T.A.R.D.I.S. resident! I'm the Doctor. Which you probably already knew, considering you're in here in the first place.

If you're in here and I didn't implicitly invite you, you'd better watch out. There's security cameras there, and there, and there. (Yes, I know you can't see me, but you get the idea. They totally exist.)

Considering you've decided to continue reading this, I'm going to assume you're new here! Or just really bored. And if so, that's completely ridiculous. You've got all of time and space at your doorstep, put down this book at once and let's get to Space Florida!

Which, by the way, is an absolutely fantastic planet. They've got an entire shop dedicated to different, cool hats!

Sorry, sidetracked. Anyway. Here're some tips I've left for you, all in a convenient little book I've creatively entitled: A Companion's Guide to the T.A.R.D.I.S.

1. An apple a day keeps the Doctor away. Apples are rubbish; I hate apples. Once, a girl gave me an apple, and I didn't come back for 12 years. Granted, it WAS an accident, but...

2. Don't go around changing history behind my back. That never ends well. Not that I speak from experience, or anything.

3. If you're going to bring along a partner of some sort, please refrain from kissing and/or flirting. It is both humiliating and disgusting.

4. Under any circumstances whatsoever, Jack is not allowed into the replicator room. No questions asked.

5. Fez Friday is not merely a suggestion; it is mandatory.

6. I don't need as much sleep as you humans. But, when I do sleep, I like to have a good rest. If your future's plans do not include being thrown into the event horizon of a collapsing galaxy, I advise that you do not disturb my slumber.

8. On the off chance that I acquire new outfit or accessory, give me your honest opinion. Unless your honest opinion involves a gun, or mean words, or... You know what? If you don't like my clothes, too bad. Humans don't understand real fashion, anyway.

9. No weapons.

10. Most importantly: don't risk your life for me. No matter what. No matter how unimportant or minuscule you think you might seem, no matter how long you've waited or how far we've come... Never, ever put yourself in harm's way for my sake. Please. Because, in all honesty - no matter how great the pain, losing you will always hurt me more.

So that's that, trusted companion! The important ones, at least. Now, come along down to the console room, and let's get going on an adventure! Aha!

Thanks for reading! If you liked it, review and favorite! If you didn't, review and tell me why! And if you review, it maybe possibly will increase the chances that the Doctor will land in your yard. Just putting that out there.

- Impossible Oswin