Hey guys :D long story short, this was going to be a one shot, but I've decided to write a chapter for each episode, because a lot has happened so far and it's only episode 5 and i haven't even got through the first episode in this chapter!
I was going to write a Castiel one but i read someone else's and i loved it and couldn't do it as much justice as they did, if you're interested it's called Praying by sofia-sama
I rewrote this chapter so many times, and I ended up writing it like this a bit like journal entries, it started as just Dean's thoughts but then I thought it'd be cute if he was talking to Cas in a letter, all the things he doesn't say out loud.
anyways here you go, hope you like it!
Dear...forget it, I'm not doing that crap.
Usually I wouldn't write anything down at all, I'm not the teenage girl, 'dear diary' type, that's Sam, he's the letters guy. I'm...I'm the brawn, he's the brains, I'm not good at making decisions, I follow orders, I'm a good soldier, but at the moment it's just me. I've gotta talk to someone or I'll lose it, problem is there's no one I can talk to.
Cas, I don't know where you are, I'm lost man, I need you.
Dad always said, writing his journal helped him think things through, get his head straight and I don't know if it'll help me, I'm not like him, no matter how hard I wish I could be, he always had this...clinical way of looking at situations, he somehow managed to keep his emotions from interfering with what had to be done, unless it was us. So maybe we weren't so different after all.
Anyway, I have to try something. I feel stupid writing to a book though, so I thought I'd write to you, even through you'll never read this.
Don't expect any detailed essays, I'm just going to write as I think, if I pretend I'm saying it to you, then it seems easier, it's always easier to talk to you. Anyway here goes.
Sammy's sick Cas, he's really sick. It was the trials. I thought he'd be okay if he stopped but apparently that wasn't good enough, he passed out on me and the doctors say they can't do anything to help him.
I can't lose him, I can't. The first thing I thought of, was you.
I tried praying, but no reply. Nothing.
I know you, even if you thought I was mad at you, you'd come and help if you could. So something must have happened to you, and now I'm afraid for both of you.
I don't even know if you're alive.
You might be hurt, trapped, and you need my help and here I am in a hospital writing you a letter.
It kills me to not be out looking for you, but I have to help Sam.
A part of me wants to leave Sam and find you, but what happens if you're...dead? It'll be too late for me to do anything for Sam, and I couldn't do anything to help you either and then you'd both be gone.
Sam, he's still here, for now, and as long as he's breathing, there's hope. I'm going to find a way to save him, somehow, I will. And then, we're coming to help you. I swear it Cas. I hope you don't think I've forgotten about you, you're my brother too, blood, it's not all there is, and I wish I'd told you this earlier
I'm sorry Cas. I beg you Cas, please be okay, I can't lose you. You, Sam, Kevin, Charlie. You're all I have left.
I've asked the others for help. The other angels. When you didn't reply, I...I snapped, I was desperate, I didn't know what else to do. It was a dumb idea.
I've heard nothing from upstairs though, so maybe angel radio isn't working with all you guys grounded.
But now I'm almost out of options. I don't have time to wait for a miracle.
Crowley, he's my last shot. It's worth a try, right? might as well get some good out of having him tied up in my trunk.
Cas, I wish you were here. I have so much I need to say to you. I need to say sorry, I didn't mean those things I said, and whatever's happened, whatever you've done, or haven't done, we'll figure it out. Together. I just hope I get the chance to tell you. I hope I'm not too late.
Dean
okay, I'd just like to say that this is my take on Dean, if you don't agree with the way I've written it, don't read on or even better, 'Constructive' Criticism is always appreciated :) thanks
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next chapter'll be up soon! (maybe even later today) I'll be updating at least once a week, (every time there;s a new episode) and I'll hopefully have caught the chapters up before Tuesdays episode!
favourite/follow/review if you liked it :)
xx