Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 19
Airdate: March 14, 2014
Title: My Weekend With the CimFam (Part I of the St. Patrick's Day Quintet)
Segway Segment: St. Patrick's Day Quintet Code Hunt (featuring Sparky)
Special Guest Stars: Cimorelli (Christina, Katherine, Lisa, Amy, Lauren, and Dani Cimorelli) as Themselves
Satire/Social Commentary: None
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(Introductory music in the style of Arthur kicks things off; Sparky yawns, smacks his lips, and then addresses the viewers by looking directly at the camera)
SPARKY: Hello everybody. Now I know this isn't how we normally start off the show, but put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Could you imagine what life would be like if you got the opportunity to hang out with your heroes or live with them?
(More Arthur-style music as Sparky begins his morning routine; he heads to the bathroom and splashes cold water in his face, then takes out his toothbrush)
SPARKY: Like, if AJ got the chance to hang out with Lita for a week, or if Michael Jackson shared a hotel room with Fred Astaire.
(Sparky starts brushing his teeth, and spits; he then heads back to his room to change into his regular clothes)
SPARKY: And it would be really cool because they would get the opportunity to be around the people they admire and look up to.
BITCH CLOCK: So, you're seriously doing this?
SPARKY: Yes, Bitch Clock. Just stay with me here. I mean, it's not like I wasn't excited to have one of my favorite music groups in my own house...
(Sparky walks out of his room and down the steps)
SPARKY: But after EVERYTHING that's happened, I can't wait for it to be over.
CHRISTINA: Hey Sparky, why do you have this porno in your closet?
DANI: You're lucky. We never get to watch those at home.
(Sparky sighs and stares back at the camera)
SPARKY: See what I mean?
LISA: Sparky, are you talking to your imaginary friend or, like, what?
(Sparky continues staring at the camera, bored)
TITLE CARD
BUSTER: My Weekend With the CimFam.
Written By: frostyfreezyfreeze54
Storyboard: frostyfreezyfreeze54
(The title card is of everyone passing by Sparky in a race, so he jumps on the back of Jaylynn's bike and yells "YEE-HAW!")
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
WEDNESDAY MORNING - 12:03 AM PST
Sparky wakes up and his hair is messed up a bit. He doesn't look amused.
SPARKY: Crap, can't this wait until Saturday? It's a school night.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, I have to wake you up tomorrow morning. How do you think I feel?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, have you been awake this whole time?
BITCH CLOCK: Unfortunately, yes. A bottle of Jack Daniels for dessert wasn't exactly one of my better ideas.
SPARKY: Well, while you think about your impending hangover, I'm going to just have myself a glass of milk. I hate that garbage, but it's supposed to make you tired so I guess it's not all bad.
(Sparky leaves the room, and Bitch Clock opens another bottle of Jack Daniels)
BITCH CLOCK: YOLO, Bitch Clock. YOLO.
(Bitch Clock starts drinking. Meanwhile, Sparky looks through the refrigerator for milk.)
SPARKY: Where is that milk? I can't find it anywhere. Freaking Waldo trying to (bleep) with me. Oh, here it is. And it's CHUNKY, CHEESE LOUISE!
(Sparky hears screeching outside)
SPARKY: What the hell is that?!
(Sparky looks out the window and sees a nice-looking van outside in the middle of the road; it's no limousine, but it could fit a good amount of people)
SPARKY: Who drives a soccer mom van at this time of night? Wait a minute. There's only six people I know that roll like that!
(Sparky continues peeping while inside the van...)
CHAUFFEUR: Well, Christina, it's not going to start up anytime soon. Looks like you and your sisters are stranded.
(The studio audience roars in approval as Christina is shown)
CHRISTINA: Paul, are you serious? Well, is there any way to fix it?
PAUL: I've tried, but nothing doing. Besides, it's not like this will resolve itself, it looks like serious tire trouble. I first noticed it when we were in Portland.
CHRISTINA: Well, if that's the case, why didn't you bother to check it out in the first place?
PAUL: It wasn't a big problem, I only noticed it.
CHRISTINA: Ugh, you chauffeurs and your uncertainty.
PAUL: Was that supposed to be funny?
CHRISTINA: I don't know, what do you think?
PAUL: It wasn't funny.
CHRISTINA: Well, there's your answer. (looks at Katherine, who's sleeping) Kath? Kath?
(Christina starts nudging Katherine to wake up)
CHRISTINA: Katherine, come on.
KATHERINE: No, Mom, I don't want any more cake, but thanks for the offer.
CHRISTINA: Katherine?!
KATHERINE: No, no, it's cool, give the rest to Joey. He rubs most of it on himself anyway. It's like body butter, if it marinates, good for him.
CHRISTINA: KATH?!
KATHERINE: Oh my God, it's happening again! Oh, it's just you. Chrissy, I was trying to sleep.
CHRISTINA: You can do that later. Right now, we have bigger problems.
KATHERINE: Christina, we talked about this. There's no such thing as a Flying Garden Monster and he doesn't have a craving for your arm.
CHRISTINA: No, not that, I already went to the seminar. It's the car. There's a flat tire.
KATHERINE: So what do you want ME to do about it? It's YOUR turn to stay up, not me.
CHRISTINA: I can't wake all of them up myself. Besides, maybe you can help Paul with the flat.
KATHERINE: Doubt it. My knowledge only goes so far in that subject.
CHRISTINA: Well, try and think of something. This has never happened before. And we have a show on Saturday.
KATHERINE: Chris, there's more than enough time to get another ride to the hotel before Saturday. Relax.
CHRISTINA: OK then.
KATHERINE: Good. And you should trust me more, sis. I was the one who convinced you to get back together with Nick after he cheated on you with that French girl.
CHRISTINA: Kath, that never happened.
KATHERINE: Oh yeah, it was a dream.
Back in the living room...
(Bitch Clock sees Sparky peeping)
BITCH CLOCK: Having fun there, Holmes?
SPARKY: GAAAAAH! Oh, Bitch Clock, it's just you.
BITCH CLOCK: Who are you ogling at this time, you two-timing hussy?!
SPARKY: I haven't cheated on Halley, Bitch Clock. And this is important. I think...I think Cimorelli is in that van outside.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, and I'm the guy from the Dos Equis commercials. No way that's Cimorelli.
(Sparky sees Christina and Katherine leave the van, along with Paul)
SPARKY: Then why is one-third of the crew leaving their distinctive soccer mom van right now?
BITCH CLOCK: No way, bucko. Let me take a look...oh, yeah, that's definitely the CimFam. And more of them are coming out.
SPARKY: REALLY?!
LAUREN: You know, my dream is starting to get fuzzy. Dani, why did you have to jump on me to wake me up?
DANI: Don't blame me. It's not my fault you wake up anytime I do that.
LAUREN: I would SO take care of you right now if I wasn't so tired. Then again, I had to wake up pretty early for Good Morning America so what the hey?
(Lauren chases after Dani around the van)
DANI: AAAAHHHHHHHH!
LAUREN: You are SO history, Dani!
CHRISTINA: Guys, quiet down. Yeah, Roadside Assistance?
LISA: Hmmmmm. That's pretty interesting.
AMY: What?
LISA: I heard a lot of kids live in this area and it looks really nice, very professional.
AMY: Is that the best observation you can make right now, Lisa?
LISA: Sometimes, I want to know what else goes on that doesn't involve us. Hey, you want to see the thumb trick again?
AMY: Lisa, I saw that trick in the van seven times.
LISA: And if you don't see it more times, you'll never learn how to do it yourself.
(long pause)
AMY: OK.
SPARKY: Dude, they look marooned out there. I wish I could go out there and start blowing up their spot but I can't.
BITCH CLOCK: Why not?
SPARKY: Because they're Cimorelli and I'm me. They're probably doing important band stuff out there.
AMY: Hey look.
LISA: What?
AMY: Rubber pencil. Pencil made out of rubber.
LISA: Dude, that joke is older than Clint Eastwood.
AMY: At least give me credit for trying something, you know?
LISA: Alright.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, they look like CEOs out there. I think they have a flat tire. Hey, maybe you can invite them in and they can stay the night. Then, you'll be so in there.
SPARKY: I don't know. That looks like a serious stretch.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, roadside assistance won't pick up any calls at this hour. Besides, it will only be a few hours until the people come back with another car.
SPARKY: I guess so. This might be my one and only chance to meet them.
BITCH CLOCK: Exactly. You have to take the risk, man.
CHRISTINA: So, is there anyone there or am I talking to myself?
KATHERINE: Yourself, sis. Roadside Assistance is a long time in coming. We're better off staying in the van.
CHRISTINA: Really? We were supposed to be at the hotel by 1am.
LISA: You know, if I knew this would happen, I would've put on my Duck Dynasty pajamas in preparation for a pajama party of some kind.
SPARKY: Hey, it's Cimorelli!
(Sparky is right in front of the girls)
CHRISTINA: Um, hi, little boy. Do you know if your parents can help us with our little situation?
SPARKY: I live by myself.
CHRISTINA: So you're saying you're an orphan and you have this house?
SPARKY: No, I have legal emancipation. And my friends.
KATHERINE: Is this some kind of joke?
DANI: Yeah, I'm not even that clever to come up with that.
LAUREN: Yeah, man, just wake up your parents. You don't have to be scared.
SPARKY: I'm not. I might be ten years old, but I'm aware of you guys, I'm a fan of your music, and there's a lot that I have to explain to you in 30 minutes, but I'm inviting all of you to stay at my place tonight.
AMY: What's happening right now?
LISA: I don't know, Amy, what do YOU think?
AMY: Are you being sarcastic?
LISA: No, that's a legitimate question.
AMY: Oh. Sounds sarcastic the way you said that.
SPARKY: Oh my God. Cimorelli banter in the living flesh! BANTER!
KATHERINE: You know, I actually think we should take the little guy up on his offer.
CHRISTINA: Really? This just seems odd.
LAUREN: He's kind of cute.
DANI: I was thinking the same thing, what are the odds?
LAUREN: We're joined at the hip, D. Those are some pretty big odds.
LISA: Katherine's right. Look, let's just stay here for the night and we can get to the hotel in the morning. And let's do it fast, I have to get back to sleep. In my dream, the world's candy supply was mine. All mine. (Lisa starts chuckling maniacally)
AMY: I had another dream about raisin bran.
DANI: Yeah, this isn't a problem. Let's just do that.
LAUREN: Yeah, this kid seems pretty sharp.
CHRISTINA: Alright. Little boy, I guess we're going to be roommates tonight.
SPARKY: HELL YEAH!
(The six sisters stare at Sparky)
SPARKY: Sorry, I got really excited there.
BITCH CLOCK: DID YOU SNAG THEM?
SPARKY: You bet I did.
AMY: Did that alarm clock just talk?
LAUREN: OK, I'm going insane.
(Lauren faints in Dani's arms, and Dani swipes Lauren's wallet)
CHRISTINA: Dani, put Lauren's wallet back.
DANI: But she's woozy!
CHRISTINA: Try when she's asleep.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
LISA: OK, now let me see if I have everything down: You're ten years old, this is your own house, the government provides you with large sums of money, your parents don't live with you, your friends are around the same age, and you're all mature than the average kid your age?
SPARKY: Basically, yeah.
AMY: That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. And they played "Made in America" on the radio so I've had my fair share of crazy moments.
SPARKY: You should know one of my friends. Wade Saltalamacchia? Black, really smart, eight years old, a little pretentious?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, that's our FaceTime buddy.
DANI: Wade is the man. He understands the importance of inventions way more than you guys.
LAUREN: Dani, the most creative thing you've made up to this point is a Luther Burger covered in cilantro and cumin.
DANI: And it was delicious. You guys have to be adventurous every now and again.
KATHERINE: So, when's your birthday?
SPARKY: April 16.
KATHERINE: Happy Birthday in advance then.
SPARKY: Thanks Kath! (winks at the camera)
LISA: What...what was that you just did?
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
LISA: That wink, what was that about?
SPARKY: I was talking to someone.
LISA: Yeah. Us. We're right in front of you.
SPARKY: I had my reasons.
LISA: Well, I'm hip to you wise guys. So I'm keeping my eyes on you.
SPARKY: Any time, Lisa.
BITCH CLOCK: Christina, what's up?
CHRISTINA: Um, hey.
BITCH CLOCK: You. Me. The time of your life is right here.
CHRISTINA: Are you hitting on me? Because I have a boyfriend, you know. I've been in a stable long-term relationship for a while now.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, babe, Nick doesn't have to know. I mean, you're tired, someone cracks open a Jack Daniels...
CHRISTINA: I don't drink, pal. In fact, none of us do.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh. Well, if someone were to crack open a Canada Dry...
CHRISTINA: I don't even drink soda.
(long pause)
BITCH CLOCK: IT'S (BLEEP) GINGER ALE!
CHRISTINA: I never liked soda that much anyway. I mean, honestly, you're barking up the wrong tree. There are plenty of single anthropomorphic alarm clocks out there.
BITCH CLOCK: You don't know how hard it is to struggle by yourself.
CHRISTINA: Believe me, I've been down the same road.
(going through her wallet) LAUREN: Dani, there was a $10 in here. Where did it go?
DANI: Who knows? It's part of the mystery, isn't it?
KATHERINE: Dani, give Lauren back the $10.
(Dani pulls the $10 out of her pocket and gives it back to Lauren)
DANI: (sighing) When a scheme fails, it feels like the whole world is laughing at you.
SPARKY: Amen to that.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
It's Wednesday morning, and Sparky will leave for school in about 45 minutes. Christina and Katherine both slept on the couch.
CHRISTINA: Hey, Kath? Kath?
(Katherine appears behind Christina)
KATHERINE: Yeah, Christina?
CHRISTINA: AAAAAHHHH! Almost gave me a heart attack, sis.
KATHERINE: I'm a phantom, aren't I? But what's up?
CHRISTINA: I know this sounds crazy, but...I've been thinking about staying here a little while longer.
KATHERINE: Did you let the talking alarm clock give you that Jack Daniels?
CHRISTINA: No, Katherine. This actually seems like a very nice place. I feel like I've had one of the best sleeps in my entire life.
KATHERINE: I think you're exaggerating.
CHRISTINA: I'm not.
KATHERINE: I don't think so. Look, Chrissy, you're the leader. The one that makes sure everything has to be detailed. The general. The militia captain...
CHRISTINA: I get your analogies, Kath. I mean, the show is on Saturday like you said. And we're not even that far from where we're going to perform, so, it could work.
KATHERINE: I have the feeling this idea is going to backfire on you.
CHRISTINA: Believe me, I know what I'm doing. Have some faith.
KATHERINE: I would, but any time you come up with something like this, it fails. Like that time you dared Dani to yell the theme song to Kim Possible.
CHRISTINA: I thought it would be funnier in my head!
KATHERINE: Well, it wasn't, now was it?
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: Dude, Cimorelli was at your place?!
SPARKY: Yup, all six of them. And I had banter with them. BANTER!
RK: How do you know for sure that this actually happened?
SPARKY: I got Bitch Clock to take a picture and capture the moment.
(It's a high-resolution picture showing Sparky putting up his thumb with Cimorelli)
WADE: Well, you can't argue with a high-res picture like that. Oh man, the next time I go on FaceTime, I'm telling Lauren she needs to owe back the money I gave her.
SPARKY: How much was it?
WADE: I'm trying to remember. Ten bucks, maybe.
RK: Jaylynn, why are you so quiet? Cimorelli was at Sparky's house, this is vital information!
JAYLYNN: I don't know, really. I've never liked Cimorelli's music that much and they just look like a bunch of lames to me.
BUSTER: Yeah, they are a bit squared.
SPARKY: Anyone could see that.
WADE: Definitely.
SPARKY: If it were up to me, I would've wished they could stay forever. I love those girls and last night was proof they're just as down to earth as people say they are.
BUSTER: Who knows? Maybe you'll be gifted and they're still in your house now.
SPARKY: Doubt it. They were the best, man, you should've been there.
BUSTER: If I had known, then no question about it. But I got to sleep later than I wanted.
SPARKY: Why?
BUSTER: LPC. I'm telling you, that cat just doesn't know when to quit.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster is going to sleep when LPC starts meowing loudly.
BUSTER: LPC, go to sleep, please!
LPC: (meowing)
BUSTER: We're not watching Garfield, so forget it.
LPC: (meowing)
BUSTER: LPC, shut up.
LPC: (meowing)
BUSTER: I SAID SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP NOW GO TO BED!
END OF CUTAWAY
SPARKY: Dude, did someone spit in your dinner last night?
BUSTER: You do NOT want to screw around with me at night, I get EASILY agitated.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Frontyard
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky pulls up in his car, enters the house, and sees Amy strumming on her guitar)
SPARKY: Um...Amy?
AMY: Hi Sparky. You know, it's so peaceful to practice the guitar and know you can make mistakes because you're not actually performing. There's a LOT of pressure that comes with performing, believe me. I think one time, I accidentally dropped my pick on stage for like, three seconds. It was unbelievable, you had to have been there, man.
SPARKY: Amy, not that I'm...upset or anything, but I could've sworn you guys were leaving this morning.
AMY: I don't know. Christina made the decision to stay here another day. I was just as surprised as you, but these past couple months have been crazy so I'm used to it.
(in his head) SPARKY: I was gifted. Cimorelli gets to stay another day...in my house!
AMY: Sparky, who are you talking to?
SPARKY: How did you hear that?!
AMY: Psychic powers. Plus, I saw the thought bubble above your head.
(There's a thought bubble above Sparky's head that says exactly what he thought about)
SPARKY: Oh, THAT'S convenient.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Lauren and Dani are eating coffee cake.
DANI: So, that stuff on FanFiction you wrote about you and Ross Lynch...is it still there?
LAUREN: Yes, and I'm not exactly proud of it.
DANI: I loved that stuff when you first wrote it. I mean, what were you thinking?
LAUREN: Hey, I wasn't exactly going for a Pulitzer Prize. And I got 100 reviews in two weeks so whatcha sayin'?
(Sparky walks in and sees the coffee cake eaters)
SPARKY: Hey Lauren. Dani.
LAUREN AND DANI: Hey Sparky.
LAUREN: You should REALLY try this coffee cake.
DANI: Yeah, it's the best.
SPARKY: Of course. I mean, I would know because I bought that cake for me and Buster.
LAUREN: Oh no! Dani, we screwed up.
DANI: You think? We're sorry, Sparky.
LAUREN: Yeah, we should've realized we were totally out of line.
SPARKY: It's OK. I'm pretty sure Buster's into...
(Sparky checks his refrigerator)
SPARKY: Fudge Rounds. I'm just glad I didn't tell him about the cake.
LAUREN: I think your talking alarm clock told us it was cool now that I think about it.
SPARKY: Talking alarm clock, huh?
In Sparky's room, Bitch Clock is throwing darts at a poster of Christina.
BITCH CLOCK: HATE SUSTAINS ME! HATE SUSTAINS ME! FLUGGIE NUGGIES!
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, why did you tell Lauren and Dani they could eat my coffee cake?
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, I don't think being stingy is supposed to score any brownie points with those girls. I'm helping YOU out, man.
SPARKY: And I appreciate the effort, but keep the refrigerator out of it, please?
BITCH CLOCK: OK, man. Besides, you're lucky. You have six girls and I can't even have one.
SPARKY: Look, just because Christina doesn't want to go out with you, doesn't mean every member of the group hates you.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, Katherine told me I was a pig and I have no concept of how to treat a woman.
(chuckling) SPARKY: Vintage Kath.
Christina, Katherine, and Lisa are walking inside the house.
KATHERINE: That was fun.
LISA: Oh, you KNOW it was fun.
SPARKY: Um, hey guys.
CHRISTINA, KATHERINE AND LISA: Hey Sparky.
CHRISTINA: You should've been there. We went sightseeing.
SPARKY: Oh really? What did you see?
LISA: Only one of the most incredible sights in the history of Seattle.
CUTAWAY GAG
LISA: It's beautiful.
KATHERINE: You really DO have to see it to believe it.
CHRISTINA: For the rest of my life, I will never forget this moment.
The incredible sight is a Starbucks.
LISA: Kath, take a picture.
KATHERINE: You read my mind, Lisa.
END OF CUTAWAY
SPARKY: You guys went to Starbucks as a sightseeing stop?
LISA: Hey, for you regular Seattle folk living here, it's just another day at the office, isn't it? But for us Malibu girls, this is a historic event. And after being witness to this historic event, I feel...(imitating Luther Vandross) so amazing, and I'm elated!
(long pause)
SPARKY: Does...does she do that a lot?
AMY: Almost all the time, yeah. Last week, she did Keith Sweat.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
It's dinnertime for Sparky, Bitch Clock, and Cimorelli. Sparky also invited the troops (Buster, RK, Wade).
BUSTER: Thanks for inviting us to dinner, Sparks.
SPARKY: Of course, Buster. I wanted you to be a part of history. After all, Cimorelli won't be here tomorrow.
(Christina has a weird look on her face, almost like she's disagreeing with what Sparky just said)
KATHERINE: Christina, why do you look like that?
CHRISTINA: Oh, you know, just Alex.
KATHERINE: What...what does Alex have to do with...
CHRISTINA: You know, I have had a lot of Margherita pizza in my lifetime and this is just the best I've had in a while.
RK: Yeah, Sparky, way to stick your foot in there.
SPARKY: Thanks. I was a little skeptical at first, but once I put it in the oven after taking it out of the box...felt a lot better.
WADE: So, Lauren, about those ten bucks...
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, Lisa? Lisa?
LISA: You're not about to hit on me too, are you?
BITCH CLOCK: No way. You're 20, right?
(Lisa stares angrily at Bitch Clock)
BITCH CLOCK: What? I can't go back to jail if you're underage!
LISA: Nothing's going to happen!
BITCH CLOCK: That's why I'm asking you.
DANI: Whenever Lisa gets like that, it's usually the other person's fault.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, whose side are you on, Dani?
DANI: No one's, I was just pointing that out.
(in his mind) RK: Oh man, this room is chock full of jokes. If I don't produce anything funny soon, everyone's going to be so disappointed.
RK: So, Dani, I hear that you're the joke machine of Cimorelli.
DANI: Aww, thank you. Actually, I do specialize in humor.
LISA: How come no one ever thinks I'M funny? I'm a joke machine too.
AMY: Because everyone expects Dani to be funny, whereas with you, we don't expect you to be funny nor do we want you to.
(long pause)
LISA: You're mean to me, Amy.
AMY: I DON'T CARE!
RK: Anyway, I happen to be a joke machine myself. I'm often the wittiest amongst my friends.
WADE: When...when was that ever established?
DANI: OK, what tricks do you have up your sleeve? Let me hear a joke.
RK: What? Those call and response knick knack patty whack jokes? Oh no, that's not my style. My sense of humor is pretty complex and obscure.
WADE: Believe me, it's not.
RK: For instance, I'm a master at sight gags. (long pause) SHOO-FLY PIE!
(long pause)
BUSTER: What the (bleep) was that?!
SPARKY: Buster, future pop stars at the table. They don't use vulgar language.
BUSTER: Oh, sorry.
WADE: RK, that wasn't a sight gag, that wasn't funny at all.
LISA: You know, I'm pretty good at sight gags.
AMY: Oy.
SPARKY: Let's give Lisa a chance.
LISA: Thanks Sparky. OK, ladies and gentlemen, stand back as the grand, incredible Lisa Cimorelli attempts the drunken face.
(Lisa does a drunken face and everybody laughs, even Amy)
AMY: OK, that's a pretty funny sight gag.
RK: Well, sight gags aren't the only weapon in my repertoire. I often take part in some very obscure impressions. This is me doing Sammy Davis, Jr. (imitating Sammy Davis, Jr.) Who can turn a lug nut?
(long pause)
LAUREN: If only I knew who that was.
LISA: You know, I have a pretty good impression of Mr. Woodchuck doing an impression of Bob Hope, check it out. (imitating Bob Hope) Well, that's wild, huh, Rusty? Huh? Isn't that something?
(Everyone goes nuts laughing, even the normally composed and controlled Christina)
RK: Hey, she stole that bit from Full House!
WADE: So did you, but hers was actually funny.
(long pause)
RK: You win this round, Lisa.
(Jaylynn comes in the kitchen and handcuffs her wrist to Lauren's wrist)
SPARKY: Jaylynn, what on Earth are you doing?!
LAUREN: Who is this?!
AMY: Who is that?!
SPARKY: My friend Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Lauren, come with me.
LAUREN: But I don't want to.
JAYLYNN: COME WITH ME!
LAUREN: OK!
(Jaylynn leaves the room while Lauren is still handcuffed to her)
KATHERINE: Should I call the police?
BUSTER: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
It's late at night and everybody is sleeping. Except for Christina. She tries waking up Katherine.
CHRISTINA: Katherine? Katherine?
KATHERINE: Christina, go back to bed. These introspective talks are really starting to bum me out.
CHRISTINA: KATH?!
KATHERINE: WHAT, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOU'RE ANNOYING ME!
CHRISTINA: I've been thinking...
KATHERINE: Oh, have you?
CHRISTINA: And it's for the best if we stay here until the show on Saturday.
KATHERINE: What?! Are you out of your mind?! We shouldn't even be staying here now!
CHRISTINA: Yeah, but this is a really nice place and we're having as much fun as we always do. Don't you think so?
KATHERINE: Well, Amy is a lot more cynical for some unknown reason so you can't count that.
CHRISTINA: Katherine, stay with me.
KATHERINE: I'm trying to, but you want to stay at a fourth-grader's house much longer than necessary. Look, we shouldn't even be here right now. The fact that Sparky allowed us to stay for the day is a blessing.
CHRISTINA: I don't know. I think we should stay until Saturday. I mean, why go to the hotel now? Is it even necessary?
KATHERINE: I would assume, yes, because we're a pop group of six sisters who shouldn't be mooching off ONE OF OUR FANS!
(long pause)
CHRISTINA: You know, that yelling? It REALLY gets to me, stop that.
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is on his way home from school. Instead of taking his car, he took the bus both ways. He notices his car is gone.
SPARKY: What the hell...WHERE'S MY CAR?! I parked it right HERE. Look, there's even a yellow rectangle spot that really lets you grasp that fact! GRASP IT!
(There IS a yellow rectangle spot where Sparky's car used to be; it's shown on camera)
SPARKY: A car-napper! I have to alert the authorities!
(Sparky walks up to the front door and takes out his keys)
SPARKY: Too bad Cimorelli's gone. They could've helped me catch the...
(Sparky sees Cimorelli watching TV, minus Christina and Katherine)
SPARKY: Thief.
(imitating the bar patrons from Cheers) LISA, AMY, LAUREN AND DANI: SPARKY!
LAUREN: How was school?
SPARKY: Just fine?
(The oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh from the Big Time Rush theme song starts playing when...)
LISA: Wait, where is that coming from?
AMY: Yeah, it's giving me the creeps.
SPARKY: OH, YOU GUYS RUINED THE BIT!
DANI: I usually feel the same way.
SEGWAY SEGMENT
Sparky is in the show's production room.
SPARKY: Hey everybody! It's Sparky MacDougal from the television series Thank You, Heavenly. And as you all know, in honor of St. Patrick's Day weekend, we're rolling out five brand new episodes of the show. FIVE BRAND NEW EPISODES! And as we said before, there are six codes you need to unlock this weekend. And the first one's on the way so keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. Remember, unlock all six codes and you have the chance to choose which two new episodes of Thank You, Heavenly air next month! So stay alert and look out for that first code. Buster will be back later.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: I don't get it. Weren't you guys supposed to be gone by now?
(Lisa, Amy, Lauren, and Dani all stare at Sparky like he just offended them)
SPARKY: I mean, I thought you guys had plans to leave today because this fun can't last forever. Yeah.
LAUREN: Well, Christina said it would be nice if we all stayed here until our performance on Saturday.
SPARKY: Are you sure taking residence at my place until then is a good idea? I mean, it's Thursday. I can put you guys in a great hotel, I have the money.
LISA: You're a sweet little boy, Sparky. But we're fine at this house.
AMY: It's amazing how one flat tire gave us the chance to bond with one of our fans.
DANI: Yeah, this has been really fun so far.
SPARKY: Hey, where's Christina and Katherine?
LAUREN: They took your car to the supermarket.
SPARKY: Oh, so THAT'S where my car went.
LISA: Don't worry, Sparky. Those two have plans to make it worth your while.
SPARKY: Can't wait.
Meanwhile, in Sparky's bedroom...
(while drinking a bottle of Cisco) BITCH CLOCK: You know what, screw it! I'm just a whore. A big, dirty, filthy whore. No girl wants to be with me and I'm going to crap myself when I die, I'm just pointing that out for the effect.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, you weren't talking to anybody.
BITCH CLOCK: That's what YOU think. Anyway, how's Cimorelli doing?
SPARKY: Well, they have plans to stay here until their show on Saturday at Lanzan Park. And I really don't think I like that.
BITCH CLOCK: Why not? I thought you were a member of the CimFam.
SPARKY: I am, but this is just getting crazy now. They're future pop stars, why would they want to be on MY bozack?
BITCH CLOCK: Um, because they probably think you're awesome? Look, even if they're getting annoying, you only have less than two days left with them. I mean, how much worse can they get?
LISA: Um, Sparky, you might want to come outside.
SPARKY: Why? Is this about my car?!
(Lisa nods while frowning)
SPARKY: OH MY GOD!
(Sparky goes outside and sees the wreckage of his car; the door to the passenger's seat is gone, the windows are smashed and both mirrors are bent; Christina and Katherine look remorseful as the other girls stand near the front door)
SPARKY: Guys, I'm just going to say this in no uncertain terms, and pardon my French when I say this but...HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?!
CHRISTINA: Well, we went to the grocery store and...
(long pause)
SPARKY: Why did you stop talking?!
CHRISTINA: You have to visualize the story as I tell it to you.
SPARKY: Oh, OK.
(Christina is pulling up to the supermarket with Katherine in the passenger's seat; they both get out)
CHRISTINA: Oh wait, let me get my bag, I left it in there.
(Christina notices a scuff on Sparky's car; it's pretty visible)
CHRISTINA: Oh no.
KATHERINE: What's wrong, Christina?
CHRISTINA: Nick.
KATHERINE: OK. What's wrong with Nick?
(laugh track)
CHRISTINA: No, there's a nick in the paint, Kath. This does NOT look good.
KATHERINE: It doesn't look THAT bad. Maybe Sparky was planning to get rid of it and just never got around to it.
CHRISTINA: I don't buy that. Let's just buy some touch-up paint and fix it up for the kid. After all, we DID take his car.
KATHERINE: YOU took his car. I wanted to take the bus.
CHRISTINA: It was easier this way. Plus, Sparky is going to be so happy when he sees the nick gone. "What happened to the nick in the paint?" "Oh yeah, we got rid of it for ya, Sparky. Oh yeah!"
(long pause)
KATHERINE: I thought you thought WE caused that nick.
CHRISTINA: Oh man, I contradicted myself. Well, it sounds better the way I said it. Let's just go inside.
KATHERINE: Roger that, boss.
(As Christina and Katherine enter the store, some guys walk onto the scene and destroy Sparky's car with sledgehammers while screaming)
SPARKY: Some guys used sledgehammers to wreck my car?!
KATHERINE: It's pretty unbelievable when you think about it, but it happens.
SPARKY: Are you guys trying to cover up for something else?! I bet you're lying.
CHRISTINA: We're not lying, that's EXACTLY what happened. And we would know because someone saw it and waited until we left the store to tell us.
SPARKY: Who would believe something like that?!
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
THURSDAY NIGHT
Cimorelli is not in the house. Just Testicular Sound Express. There's a bowl of four-leaf clovers on the coffee table.
RK: I'D believe something like that.
SPARKY: What, did the same thing happen to you?
RK: Probably. I can't remember all that much. Buster, what do YOU think?
BUSTER: I don't know. Why are you asking?
RK: Because I thought you'd remember.
BUSTER: Remember what?
RK: That thing that happened with my car...
BUSTER: Oh yeah, some Scientologists squirted mustard on it?
RK: No, I'm thinking more along the lines of barbeque sauce.
SPARKY: HOW IS THIS HELPING?!
JAYLYNN: Look, Sparky, if I were you, I would get those girls out of here. It seems like they're just being a bunch of entitled pests.
SPARKY: I can't do that. They're one of my favorite music groups. That would be like J. Cole kicking out Nas.
JAYLYNN: But the small things are adding up. The coffee cake, the car, not even telling you in advance what their plans are. It just looks really shady to me.
SPARKY: I don't know. The novelty of having them here is wearing off, but I don't know how I would forgive myself for doing that.
WADE: Where IS Cimorelli anyway?
SPARKY: At Red Robin, I think. They invited me but I said I would just make my own meal and gossip about them to you guys. I didn't...say that gossip part actually, I'm just pointing that out for clarity.
RK: Well, it sounds to me we need a plan to get rid of them.
WADE: Yeah. One that doesn't hurt them in any way, but avoids you of any misfortune at their hands.
SPARKY: I guess so. It's time to get Cimorelli out of my house!
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, I didn't know you collected four-leaf clovers. Cool! But I think the luck's working against you.
SPARKY: I have no idea how those got there.
(staring directly) BUSTER: Hmmmm. Do YOU know?
(Buster wasn't staring at the camera. He was staring at Santa's Little Helper, who meows.)
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Radio Station
Seattle, Washington
FRIDAY MORNING
SPARKY: Man, it feels like we haven't done this radio show in months!
WADE: Yeah, it feels great to get back in there.
RK: Hold up, guys. Have we thought of any ways to help Sparky get rid of Cimorelli?
JAYLYNN: We could lock them in an airtight box and toss them into Puget Sound.
RK: Nah, let's save that for Fifth Harmony.
BUSTER: I actually came up with something last night. (holds up a letter) Check it out!
SPARKY: Is that a letter?
BUSTER: Not just ANY letter. This one is from the parents of Cimorelli.
WADE: And they sent it to you?
BUSTER: No, I made it look like it came from them. We give the letter to Cimorelli, they think it's true and you, Sparky, will be free from them.
SPARKY: Can I see it?
BUSTER: Sure?
(Sparky gets the letter)
SPARKY: "Dear Christina, Katherine, Lisa, Amy, Lauren, and Dani, our beloved daughters, a little birdie told us that you guys have been taking up residence at the home of one of your fans. We're very unhappy about this because of all the possible negative ramifications that can come from it. This is not your house and you guys have to understand that. We implore you to find a hotel before your show on Saturday. Sincerely yours, Mike and Lynne." Wow, this is great. Buster, you really did your work here.
BUSTER: Thanks. I have a knack for criminal forgery.
JAYLYNN: That sounds really bad.
BUSTER: I know.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is sitting down at the table with Cimorelli.
CHRISTINA: "We implore you to find a hotel before your show on Saturday. Sincerely, Mike and Lynne."
AMY: Well, if it's Mom and Dad saying this, then I guess we should get to stepping. Sparky, it's been a pleasure being a guest here.
SPARKY: Any time, Amy.
LISA: Wait, something doesn't add up.
SPARKY: Oh, so Lisa is like RK AND Buster. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
LISA: No one knows we're staying here but us and Sparky's friends, right?
LAUREN: Right.
SPARKY: Well, someone, ANYONE could have spilled the beans.
LISA: And we're not even mainstream yet. It's not like there's paparazzi following us at all times.
SPARKY: On the contrary Lisa, there are many Johnny Shutterbugs out there just waiting for their shot and they might have caught you guys.
LISA: Yeah, that's true.
SPARKY: Yeah, so why don't you guys leave this popsicle stand and get yourself a hotel, huh?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, I think it's time.
KATHERINE: You realize that now?!
(Christina stares angrily at Katherine)
BUSTER: So, Sparky, how did...
SPARKY: Buster, my best friend in the world, how's it hanging?
BUSTER: Fine. (whispering to Sparky) I can see you're still trying to get rid of them. But I'm proud of you. Tricking dumb white girls has never been easier.
DANI: Buster, I heard everything you just said.
(long pause)
BUSTER: IT AIN'T RALPH THOUGH!
(Buster runs out of the house while Cimorelli angrily stares at a nervous Sparky)
SPARKY: So, um...you guys want pie for dessert or ice cream?
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
FRIDAY NIGHT
Lisa and Amy are both watching TV.
LISA: Amy?
AMY: Yeah?
LISA: I've realized something that's been bothering me for a while.
AMY: That you're the human cartoon?
LISA: NO! That we've barely changed our clothes since we got here.
AMY: We have, we just wear identical clothes.
(long pause)
LISA: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!
Sparky got his hair done up a little bit for his date with Halley. He's
BUSTER: So, where are you taking Halley today?
(imitating Jonathan Bower) SPARKY: Oh, I've got it all planned. First, we're going to go to Captain Andy's for the all-you-can-eat shrimp special. Then we're going to see A Fish Called Wanda, and then we're going to top the night off with some dancing at The Shark's Den. Get it? It's a theme night.
BUSTER: Sparky...
SPARKY: It's a joke, it's a joke. We're just going to Taco Bell and then heading to her place for a movie.
BUSTER: Alright, store-bought Friday night fun for a middle-class Caucasian couple. Love it.
LAUREN: You're going to Taco Bell with Halley?
SPARKY: Yes. And how do you know my girlfriend's name?
LAUREN: Buster told me the other day.
(Sparky stares angrily at Buster)
(with outstretched arms) BUSTER: I like telling Cimorelli stuff.
LAUREN: Hey, maybe we can double date with you guys.
SPARKY: We?
DANI: You bet. Lauren and I are going to head down to Taco Bell to get ill.
LAUREN: I told you stop saying that.
SPARKY: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, you guys are both underage going to a restaurant at this time?
LAUREN: You're ten years old and you have your own driver's license.
SPARKY: Let's not split hairs and bring up unnecessary details.
DANI: Ah, we won't bother you. We can ride in your...
(Sparky simply stares at Dani, after what happened with his car and everything)
DANI: Bus. We can take the bus to where YOU need to go.
LAUREN: Nice job, D.
DANI: Thanks, Lolo.
SPARKY: OK, let's just go.
LAUREN: Sounds like a plan.
(Sparky leaves the room with Lauren and Dani following him)
BUSTER: Have fun, you crazy kids. (chuckles and turns around to see Bitch Clock drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade) Bitch Clock, what are you doing?
BITCH CLOCK: DON'T LOOK AT ME! I don't endorse this for kids your age.
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
DANI: I still don't understand what we did was wrong.
SPARKY: You ordered so much food while absentmindedly forgetting I wasn't paying for you guys!
DANI: OK, that's why I call poor judgment. You can't hold that against us.
LAUREN: It didn't turn out SO bad. We had fun, didn't we?
SPARKY: No, it wasn't fun. I'm starting to think you guys don't care about anything that happens as long as it benefits you!
LISA: Hey, Sparky, calm down.
AMY: Yeah, Sugar and Spice had a bad night, it happens.
CHRISTINA: Yeah, some of the stuff that happens to us we're not proud of.
SPARKY: Yeah, like wrecking my car?
KATHERINE: We told you we had nothing to do with it!
SPARKY: But you still went ahead with taking the car in the first place! It wouldn't have happened if you just took the bus! Really, all six of you are getting to me.
AMY: Really?
SPARKY: I think so, I'm not exactly sure...YES! Look, I was all pumped up kicks when you guys stayed here for a couple of hours on Wednesday, and the rest of Wednesday. But the novelty's worn off. Words cannot describe how much I HATE you girls. sick and tired of having all of you around my house. You're overbearing, Nick Jr. corny, odd, stress-inducing, uninteresting, overrated garbage. You know what, I take that back. Nick Jr. isn't even as corny as you guys. But I won't take THIS back: I HATE EACH OF YOU AND I WANT YOU ALL GONE NOW!
(Sparky runs upstairs while all the members of the group look at each other now)
DANI: Are we REALLY that corny?
(Christina simply leaves after what Dani said)
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: I can't believe I just did that. I dressed down Cimorelli.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, they had it coming. If I know anything about you, it's never to test your patience. You did the right thing, man.
SPARKY: I don't know. I feel like an asshole.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, you had to be honest with the girls you admire in the world more than anybody. That took a lot of balls. Who knows? Maybe they got the message.
SPARKY: I doubt it.
LISA: Sparky, I just wanted to apologize on behalf of my sisters. We were being really unfair to you and bothersome.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, you're a genius.
BITCH CLOCK: That's why they call me the master. I'm going to get a Bud.
(Bitch Clock leaves the room to get a Budweiser downstairs)
LISA: Look, Sparky, you were right about a lot of things. Of course, I DO have the inclination to disagree with you on the whole overrated garbage thing. Just saying. But we really feel bad about what we put you through. If you hate us now, I guess there's nothing we can do to change your mind. But just know that we love you. And we truly care about you and all of our fans, no matter what.
SPARKY: That's really beautiful, Lisa. I think you should know that I got steamed pretty easy out there and I was a little too harsh. I loved having you guys at my house. You're the best.
(Sparky runs up to Lisa and the two have a real man's hug)
LISA: Hey, come outside. We all want to show you something.
SPARKY: Oh no, did Christina go through my closet again full of totally unsuspicious stuff?
LISA: Something with little less implication. Come on.
(Sparky is outside with the girls; Katherine's not there)
DANI: I don't think we're THAT corny.
LAUREN: Dani, you're going to have me flummoxed!
SPARKY: Where's Kath?
LISA: I think she's coming right...about...NOW!
("Square Biz" by Teena Marie playing in the background; Katherine is pulling up to Sparky's house with a new car, just like his old one)
SPARKY: YOU GOT MY CAR FIXED?!
LISA: No, the old one's scrap metal. This one Christina and Katherine got from a used car dealership. We were planning on giving it to you tomorrow, but we started to think this is the right time.
SPARKY: You guys are amazing.
KATHERINE: So what do you think, Sparky?
SPARKY: I think you girls are wonderful, lovely people.
CHRISTINA: Awwwww, I smell a group hug.
AMY: Well, let's get to it then!
(Sparky and Cimorelli group hug)
SPARKY: This almost feels like a dream.
LAUREN: It does. Wait a minute.
(record scratching)
SPARKY: What?
LAUREN: What's that over there?
(Everybody looks where Lauren is pointing; there's a dancing rodeo clown; they all look at the camera in confusion)
(Sparky wakes up screaming in the middle of the night; this entire episode was just a dream)
(to the camera) SPARKY: Oh my God. That was the most incredible dream I ever had!
(Sparky feels something on his butt, and pulls it out; It's an empty bottle of Cisco)
SPARKY: How the hell did THIS get here?
BITCH CLOCK: Things got crazy last night, I'm sorry.
(Sparky ends the episode by staring at the camera confused while Arthur-style music plays in the background)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("So What Cha Sayin'" by EPMD playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS