I don't own anything in this story. Hope you enjoy, I think you'll get a few laughs out of it.

In the Langley falls Emergency Room

"We need several pints of blood, two wraps of bandages and a shitload of gauze!" The doctor said wheeling a bloody Steve Smith into the operating room with a few other nurses. "Have you called the parents?" the doctor asked his colleague.

"They brought him in. They're in the waiting room, I sent someone to go talk to them" the other doctor replied.

In the Waiting Room

"Oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!" Hayley said pacing back and forth across the room.

"If only we had been more prepared" Francine sobbed drying her tears alongside Stan. "We had all those guns in the house and no ammo!"

"It's my fault Francine" Stan said comforting them. "If I hadn't stopped at the gas station for a Slurpee and my weekly lotto ticket I would've been home in time to stop that home robber from hurting any of you."

"I-I-I just can't believe it…" Hayley stutters still pacing. "That crazy man broke into our home and when Steve tried to stop him he gets stabbed in the gut…this is so messed up…"

"I can't believe my baby got hurt because of me" Francine cried into Stan's shoulder. "Oh little Stevie! If only I gave that man my necklace right away!"

"He was behaving like the brave little soldier we raised him to be, hun" Stan said rubbing her back. "It wasn't your fault. He'll be okay"

"It-it-it's just too incredible" Hayley continued. "My brother almost got killed saving my mom and I just stood there…" she said quickening her pace.

A doctor walked in covered in bloody scrubs and spoke to the Smith family.

"We just got out of surgery" the doctor started.

"Will my son be alright?" Stan shot out.

"I'm sorry…the stab wound is too deep. We can't fix it up. He's going to slowly bleed to death, he probably won't survive the night" the doctor said.

"Oh God, no!" Francine cried collapsing on the floor. Stan and Hayley surrounded Francine in a big embrace and held each other tightly as they crouched on the floor.

"The best you can do for him is make his last hours more comfortable…probably by sending him home…yeah we're low on beds so if you could do that as soon as possible that would be great…" the doctor said callously.

Back at the Smith house

Steve laid in his bed with bandages wrapped around his stomach and his face extremely pale.

"My little Stevesie…" cooed Francine from the door frame as she watched her son rest. "What can we do?" she asked her husband with tears in her eyes.

"The doctor said we should make his last hours as comfortable as possible" Stan said. "I've made him a mix tape of all the best moments of Star Trek, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, and Battle Star Gallactica, collected a small stack of pornographic reading materials, and that Harry Potter figurine that we refused to give to him on Christmas because we thought it would make him a pansy."

"I've made him a plate of his favorite finger foods, a small stack of pink flavored Starbursts, a tall glass of chocolate milk, and I stole a pair of underwear from the drawer of the girl he likes" Francine said.

"I'm going to give him my favorite wig, a box of chocodiles, and the original play script I wrote for my one man show, "Roger: the enigma, the madman, the visionary" Roger said full of concern for his little buddy.

"I would have gotten him a full keg of beer and many German ladies…" Klaus said from his bowl. "At least I would have IF I STILL HAD MEIN HUMAN BODY!"

"Excellent work!" Stan said ignoring Klaus. "What did you get him Hayley?" Stan asked his daughter.

"Um…I got him some pot…" Hayley said unprepared.

"Great, I'm sure you put a lot of thought into that gift Hayley, the walk to your room must have been a great effort for you" Stand said rolling his eyes at his dirty liberal pothead daughter. "I'm going to buy him a brand-spanking new gun from the store in town so he can blast it off in his room. Find out what he wants Hayley!" Stan snapped.

Hayley took a deep breath and entered Steve's room trying to stay calm.

"Steve…?" Hayley called gently trying to wake Steve.

"Oh…Hayley…" Steve said weakly. "I'm glad…to see you…" he wheezed out.

"Listen Steve" Hayley said taking a seat next to his bed. "Is there anything off the top of your head that you'd…like?" she asked not trying to upset him about his immanent death.

"Before I croak…?" Steve asked. "Well…" he gasped out. "What I'd like to see… is Patrice's boobs…" Steve said smiling.

"Patrice?" Hayley asked in surprise. "You…you mean my college lab partner?"

"Yeah…" Steve said. "First time I saw her…I knew from the bottom of my heart…that I wanted to feel her boobs" Steve sighed. "Before I go…I want to feel some real female breasts…"

"I'll…I'll try" Hayley promised remembering Patrice telling her that she thought Steve was a creepy little nerd.

Hayley stood in the hallway trying to convince her friend Patrice to come over.

"Patrice…yeah I know you think he's a creepy nerd…" Hayley said into the phone. "Yes…yes I know he creeped you out by staring at you as you entered and exited the bathroom…n-no I didn't know he looked up your skirt as you climbed the staircase….it's just…listen it's just one quick grope. It's not like it's going to matter, he isn't going to live much longer so he isn't going to brag about it…come on! He's dying from a stab wound! Well thanks for nothing!" Hayley shouted hanging up her phone.

Hayley marched up the staircase to Steve's room to break the bad news to him. She opened the door and said,

"Steve…I have some bad news about Patrice…"

"No boobs...I'm guessing…oh well…it was a nice try Hayley…" Steve said looking weaker.

"No! No! It's just that…" Hayley lied trying to come up with something. She took a deep breath and lied, "It's just that she is so shy that she doesn't want you to see her when she lets you feel her boobs…"

"Oh…" Steve said.

"Yeah, she's going to do it but she wants to blindfold you and turn the lights off in your room" Hayley said taking a blindfold from her back pocket and slipping it over Steve's eyes. "Now I'll just turn these lights off and let you and her have fun" she said flipping the light switch as she left his room.

Hayley stood outside her dying brother's room, took a deep breath, waited a few seconds, and then walked back in.

A few minutes later Hayley walked out of Steve's room as she buttoned up her shirt.

"Thank you Patrice…" Steve called from inside his room. Hayley closed the door behind her and a split second later Francine appeared.

"Good job Hayley" Francine told her daughter. "Way to take one for the team" she said patting Hayley on the back. "Your father would be very proud."

Several Hours Later

The entire family crowded around Steve's bed in a candle-light vigil.

"Thank you…so much everybody…" the extremely pale Steve Smith wheezed. "I love you all…"

"We love you too Steven" Stan said. As the family said their final goodbyes Steve slipped into unconsciousness and died.

Grieving

The family held a small funeral for Steve that weekend. The Smiths grieved for weeks and weeks none of them fully accepting what had happened to them. One day as they were eating dinner Stan threw his plate to the floor.

"I can't take this anymore!" Stan shouted. "I will not sit here eating Steve's favorite meal of macaroni and egg salad and pretend it doesn't bother me! I refuse to sit around like a lazy foreign worker and do nothing but gripe and moan!"

"But Stan, what can we do?" Francine asked sadly.

"We can clone Steve…" Stan explained. "Using the hair fibers he left on his pillow and skin from around his room we can clone his DNA at the lab at the CIA and create another Steve."

"Dad, even if we did clone Steve it wouldn't be the same!" Hayley cried. "Even if all his memories, all his feelings, and even his soul was the same. We would all know he was different."

"That's why we use the memory erasing machine at the CIA to erase everyone's minds" Stan said. "We gather up everybody we've told, erase and alter their memories, and after they are all done we alter our own so it would be like nothing every happened!"

"I'll get Patrice!" Hayley said joyously, realizing her father's plan.

"I'll get both our parent's Stan" Francine said.

"And I'll get my tweezers and start looking for any DNA I can find in Steve's room!" Stan said.

"Oh we're going to have our little boy back!" Francine cried happily as she hugged and kissed her husband. After the Smiths had all left the room only Roger and Klauss remained.

"So…how many times have they done this exactly?" Roger asked Klaus, being the only two members of the household who had never had their mind's erased before.

"Hayley is up to two, Francine has one, Stan has two, and this is Steve's fourth" Klaus said.

"Oh right…" Roger said in recollection. "They really need to get that kid a helmet" Roger said mounting the stairs to the attic.

I hope you enjoyed this one shot. I think I got the characters nailed for the most part. See I promised this story wouldn't be sad :)