Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you are an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD boy living in a TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT with your FATHER Goatdad. On most mornings, you would get up at 2pm, walk around the apartment, grab some food, smoke a few joints, then go sit in the park to avoid the return of your asshole of a father and his friends.
They liked you. They liked you a lot.
You shudder and mess your hair with one hand, sitting upright in your bed. Slowly, your indigo eyes trail over to the alarm clock and you frown. 9am. Way too early for you to be awake. That's because this morning will not be like most mornings, no. Today you are baby sitting for your best mother fucking friend, that's why this morning is different. You're baby sitting his 7 year old sister, Nepeta. It was going to be fantastic.
After a quick shower and a stack of pancakes, the doorbell rung and you were fucking quick to answer. You expected to be punched by Karkat from not being quick enough, but the first thing that hit you was a small green clothed body. Hit you in the damn chest. The kid wrapped her legs around your waist and arms around your neck, clinging. "Hi!" She giggled. Karkat shot you a 'good fucking luck, fuckass.' glance and held out a rucksack.
"It's got all her fucking things in there. Extra clothes, extra fucking food, and fucking aristocats the Disney fucking film." You raise a brow as you take the rucksack. "She fucking loves cats. Listen, fuckass," You thought you'd witnessed a change in the smaller man, he seemed to bristle and - was that a mother fucking growl? "DON'T teach her any of your fucking stupid miracle shit. She's already fucked up, she fucking things she's a gog damn cat. Stupid little shit," Nepeta hissed before letting go of you and scrambling into the apartment. "Don't lose her, fuckass." Then he turns, flips you the bird and he's gone.
You slam the door shut and mess with your unruly black hair again, reminding yourself to brush it once in a while, maybe go see Kanaya for a hair cut. That's gotta be due. Maybe that's why she keeps calling you.
When you find Nepeta, she's battling a cushion. It's round and placed on her stomach, covering both that and her chest as her feet and hands work at it, scratching, clawing, teeth biting into the fabric. "Hey, little mother fucker, don't get a tear on that. My mother fucking adorabull bought it for me." He warned lightly as he looked for a coat. She already had hers on.
"Gamzee, why you gots so many purrfect toys?" You turn and she's holding a grinder in her left hand, a beanie hat in the other. Shit. If she goes home smelling like weed your mother fucking best friend is going to eat your fucking face!
"Because mir..." Karkat said no miracles, fuckass. "Because I like toys. Put em down, we're gonna mother fucking go to the mother fucking icecream shop." She perks up and bounces down the hall, waiting at the door like some over excited puppy going on a walk. You grin as you open the door and she shoots out of it like a gun out of a bullet. "NEPETA!" You shout. It's loud, horribly aggressive and so fucking sudden that you scare yourself. You shut the apartment door as she stares at you, wide eyes filling with shocked tears. "Don't get a mother fucking run on, kiddo. The cars will eat you," You say softly as you ruffle her hair.
She giggles and bounds toward your car. When you unlock it, she hops into the passenger seat in the front and watches you strap yourself in, doing the same for her. You're blaring "Kill The Lights" by The Birthday Massacre, nodding your head with the beat. She tries to dance and sing to it but the seat belt restricts her, so she settles for twirling her blue cat tail in her hand.
You've been driving for twenty minutes now and it's horribly silent in the car if you ignore Temposhark. Then Nepeta starts talking. "I like a boy," She began, triggering a fit of giggles from you. "He's called Equius and I think he's pawsitively purrfect! The best furriend I could ever want, Gamzee!" She exclaims. More giggles escape you. She folds her arms across her chest and frowns, narrowing her eyes. "Just because I'm little doesn't mean you can't take me seriously, Gamzee. I'm seven years old," She says matter of factory.
You turn your head to reply, but whatever you said right then was drowned out by a sudden car horn blasting at you. Nepeta screams and you face the road, staring at the front of an eight wheeler. "MOTHER FUCKER!" You scream as you put one hand on Nepetas seat belt, undoing it as you wrench the car wheel and try to avoid the massive vehicle. You lift her out of her seat and crush her against your chest.
The inevitable happens. You clip the back of the eight wheeler and the car veers off to the side of the road. You let go of the wheel and curl up in your chair as best you can, acting as a barrier between Nepeta and the world. The car smashed into the side of a tree and totals, your body thrown forward fast enough for you to crack your forehead on the windscreen.
You black out as soon as your body slumps back into the chair.
bzzzzz
bzzzzzzzz.
BZZZZZZZZZZ.
What the fuck was that? You looked at your phone, watching it dance across the dashboard of the car. How the fuck did it get up there? Didn't matter. Not to you. You answered it slowly, finding it painful to use your arms. It was automatically on speaker phone.
"GAMZEE WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET UP WITH ME AND JOHN TEN MINUTES AGO. IM FUCKING BORED."
You take a deep breath of air, groaning when pain explodes in your chest. You put a hand there but find a mop of hair and you're looking down at a blood stained Nepeta. "H...elp..." You wheeze, it goes silent on the other end. "Ca...lll... Am..bul...aARGHHH," You cry out as fresh pain blooms from your right leg and travels up to your back, spreading until it reaches your neck.
"SHIT. I'LL FUCKING GET SOLLUX TO TRACK YOU. SHIT. FUCK. HOLD ON, GAMZEE, THEY'RE COMING TO SAVE YOU. PLEASE DON'T FUCKING DIE." There's shuffling in the background. Mumbling. Then a quiet sob. "please, don't let my little sister and my best fucking friend die." The call ends. You tilt your head forward and hold Nepeta awkwardly before passing out with your head tilted back.
When you wake up the first thing you notice is that you're no longer in pain. Well, you are, but it's dull compared to what you were feeling earlier. You turn your head and look around. You're in a hospital. Shit.
A body stands up and strolls over to the bed, your bed, then gently strokes your hair. It's Dave. "Tavros won't see you. He's too scared, bro. He doesn't wanna see his clown all fucking messed up like it ain't even a thing." You feel your lips twitch upward into a smile. "Clown, you're fucking lucky to be alive." Then he leaves.
For the next few days, Dave, Vriska, Eridan and Feferi all come to visit you regularly. Tavros is still too upset to see you and you haven't asked about Karkat or Nepeta. It's only when John appears that you can get an idea as to why you havent seen any of them. His eyes are puffy and red from crying, black hair sticking out in all directions like a shorter version of yours.
"Gamzee, Karkat said I should come and see you." He says softly, breath hitching. Kanaya, who had appeared to make sure you were comfortable and content with your living arrangements, left the room with a quiet sob. That was weird. Kanaya didn't cry. "He said I should... I should tell you." You look at him with a confused frown.
"Tell me what, mother fucker?" you're still sore but it's easier to talk now, being pumped full of morphine has its perks. "I know I messed up. You gotta wheel me to see Nepeta though, the little fucker was all up and excited about the icecream." You continue, unaware of the way John is staring at you.
"She's gone." what?
"Who?" You ask, your frown deepening.
"Nepeta." He replies, breath catching as he fights back sobs.
"Gone where? I thought this place had a mother fucking children's ward?" He shakes his head slowly and approaches the bed, sitting on the edge, twisting his body so that he can hold your head with both hands.
"She died. Her ribcage was crushed when you tried to protect her, she was bleeding internally and nobody could save her. Nothing worked," Then he releases what he's been holding back, an army of sobs. His entire body rocks as they take him over, forcing him to bend over and clutch your head. Your face feels wet and you realise you're crying, too. You sit up and hug him, he returns it, and together you release the agonising pain building up in your chests.
It's horrible. It's nasty. It's the worst pain you've ever felt - you fucking killed a kid. You tried to save her and ended up crushing her to death. You're scum. You're disgusting. You're low. You deserve to die. You dont deserve to live - why did she have to die? You should have died instead.
You feel hands on the side of your face, and turn your head that you'd buried in Johns chest to see Karkat. He leans over and puts his forehead on yours, face streaked with tears. "It's okay, Gamzee. I know you tried." Your body trembles in the hands of these boys, two of you crying your hearts out, the other trying desperately to keep his in one piece.
You lean into John again, pulling Karkat with you and begin to breath quick, useless breaths. "I'm sorry, I'm so mother fucking sorry. I'm so sorry, Karkat, I didn't mean it, I'm fucking sorry, oh my fuck, I'm sorry," You can't breathe and they both know it. You're shaking and wheezing, gasping for air.
Dave popped his head in the doorway to see what the noise was about, then his hands are on your face, forcing him to look at you. "Makara. Mother fucking MAKARA," he shouts and this time, when you look at him, you see him. "Breathe." He says flatly, you inhale but your chest is tight and it fucking hurts. "In. Out. Calm down, Makara, you can do it, clown. Come on. In. Out. Breathe. Copy me." He's got you breathing in the next minute, but you're still crying. It's silent, but the tears are flowing. You look to the side and spot Karkat openly sobbing into Johns arms. You look back at Dave.
"What the fuck have I done?"
Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you are an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY who has just KILLED your BEST FRIENDS SISTER because you were TOO FUCKING STUPID to keep YOUR EYES on the road.