N/A: Warnings: Spoilers of ST I, ST II/IV, and ST VII (even though I didn't watch the movie). Sex scenes.
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First and last times
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"Spock…" he had whispered the first time, after their lips came apart.
It had been a present but hidden desire. It was deep love that reached the deepness of his heart and clutch like roots into stone and however, it kept being the most beautiful of friendships. And when he kissed the Vulcan mouth, Kirk found himself in paradise.
"Jim," softly said Spock in his friend's ear with all pretensions left behind.
It had been after on of those so many times in which his First Officer saved his captain's life, in which his eyes failed in hiding the torrent of emotions. Kirk had called him into his room.
"I need to talk to you," he had said and the hazel eyes found the black ones.
And the questions that one didn't dare to ask and the answer that the other one didn't dare to answer were left there, hanging in the path of that look. A hesitating step. Hearts that skipped a beat. And everything that hadn't been said gathered substance in that kiss.
"Spock…" had whispered then one.
"Jim," he had been answered.
The hands weren't enough to grip the bodies against each other, like if they wanted to become one but the hands stopped them. With firm steps in a mutual silent agreement they walked toward the bed. Spock lied down in it and guided Kirk so he lied upon him.
"Take me, Jim," said Spock with a harsh voice from desire, "Take me."
It was as if he was asking for help to pull down those final barriers that locked his human-half. Kirk softly kissed him as an answer, he couldn't speak, a lump blocked his throat and it was just lust. Softly, he took out the clothes like who is dealing with a delicate piece of art, with adoration. Because the one who shook under the touch of his hands was the most precious thing that he had in that universe. Then, he took out his own clothes with the same slowness, postponing the moment of claiming the trophy as it if the rush could made a breeze that could disintegrate his loved one in a fine dust.
Next, he kissed his chest and went down. He reached the pubic hair and he stopped. He sighed. There was no going back. But he went on and he took his friend's member into his mouth. The body under him shivered and groaned. When the moans of pleasure had reached a fast rhythm, Kirk used it to introduce a finger in the bottom of his lover. Spock sank his finger in Jim's back, but as the pleasure won the pain, the pressure released. The process was repeated two more times, until with faltering voice the Vulcan spoke:
"Jim… Stop… Don't…" he was about to come and he didn't want it to finish so soon.
Kirk understood, he went over him again and questioned him with the look. Spock nodded in silence. And with one move they had become one. Both exclaimed of pleasure, almost screaming.
And they looked each other again, their minds and their hearts had connected as no mind-meld could. They were to beings that were meant to be together, made one for the other.
Time later, after their soul traveled to that corner of the universe that few founded, they stayed together, hugged on the bed. The breathing was agitated, the hearts were happy and light. They didn't need to speak trying to put definitions to his relationship. They hadn't had sex, that was a mundane word for the connection that they had had. Neither they weren't in a romance more, their friendship hadn't changed. They still had several years in their mission and that had been the first of many nights.
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Spock was back. He had left because he was confused and couldn't conciliate his Vulcan side with his Human side. The insecurities gain ground and he reached the point were the nights with Jim weren't enough to shut them up. And the questions rose. And Spock went to were it was more logical that the answer was.
But he had been wrong, the answer was right in front of him, where it had always been. Spock kissed the answer with the desperation of the thirsty that after a long journey across the desert feels again the freshness of the water.
"Jim…" he whispered.
Even though the star cloak in which they were sailing night and say didn't existed. That night, Kirk let that all the agony of being away from the being that complemented him, fell over his back.
"Don't ever leave me again," he asked while the tears fell from his eyes to the floor, "Please," he pleaded and a sob crossed trough his throat.
Spock cleaned the tears and let the guilt to reflect in his eyes.
"Never," he promised, "Look at me," taking him by his chin and forced him to raise the look, "I will never leave you. Never."
And he kissed him once more. Kirk knew that what he said was true; however, he couldn't or didn't want to believe him. Because if he gave in his heart to hope and if he considered again the prospect under his feet of a future together and Spock left him again… then he didn't believe himself strong enough to resist the desertion once more.
The Vulcan felt the other's reticence. He felt and recognized the hurt look in the other one. And he was sorry. He took the other's body harder against his and fiercely kissed him as if with the passion he could erase the trace of pain. The Kolinahr had left his marks on both.
They felt over the bed. Now, in this second first time the roles reversed.
"Take me, Spock. Take me."
Now was Kirk who asked help with the final barriers. It was him who needed to be loved, or actually, who needed a demonstration. And now it was Spock who undressed the other one as a trophy and contemplated with adoration. The difference with that first time was that now slowness felt the pressure of passion and that the content pain was source for the lust.
Spock wanted to repeat the process that had been done to him but Kirk didn't left him and kept his head over his while he kissed him incessantly. He didn't want to let him go, he was afraid that if he released him he'll lose him once more. Only when he was ready he released him. And once more they became one. But this time there weren't cries of pleasure but tears of love. And where before tenderness had given way to the lust, now lust bend before tenderness.
When they finished, the troubled breaths didn't remain as the only sound to be heard because now the words were needed to be said and heard.
"I love you, Jim," said Spock.
"I love you too."
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But there was a third first time. And once more Spock had gone, but this time it wasn't desertion and this time Kirk went behind him. It had been three months in which the admiral was alone and three months more until Spock was Spock again.
"Jim…" whispered this time also.
Kirk had been so much time waiting for hearing his name coming from those lips. He had waited so much time to caress that hair while he kissed him. And Spock was rediscovering. A familiar but new sensation. Even when he found himself lost in that swell of sensation and emotions, he felt he belonged.
This time there weren't roles, there wasn't who needed to be loved more than the other one, there wasn't any barrier to break. They were two friends that found each other again.
"I missed you," said Kirk when he felt him inside him.
Spock didn't answer, disoriented in a world of emotions that weren't all his yet.
"I missed you so much," said Kirk when he was inside the other.
Spock wanted to answer but he couldn't. He didn't know what to say, logic wasn't useful in this moment. So he did the only thing logical thing that was left to do, let himself go by his feelings. He attracted his for always captain towards him and he kissed him while his body retorted in spasm of pleasure.
"Jim!" he exclaimed when it was over.
And that paradise where he had arrived was so familiar to him, although for so wonderful, frightening. However, then he clutched to the human body that panted exhausted over him, he knew he wasn't alone. Because that was a place that could only were reached by two.
And once more words were unnecessary.
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There wasn't anything special that night. It was common that once in a while one felt more the need to be loved or to love. And in that occasion, it was Spock who needed to love. It was an imperious need in his chest, something that bothered him.
"Jim, don't go…" he asked while he rubbed their members together.
Kirk laughed.
"Are you kidding me?" asked his t'hy'la, "How could I don't go back to the Enterprise? Beside, I won't even go on a mission, I will only be an honor guest," he added.
And Spock didn't know what else to say. Because after all, every worry was illogical. However, why he kept that pressure in his heart and why he kissed him as it was the last time.
He covered with his hand each inch of his lover's body as if he wanted to memorize it. Then he kissed him in the same fashion. Once more, they became one. This time Spock broke the rule. He put his fingers over Kirk's head. He nodded.
They didn't use to make vulcan mind-meld, they knew the risk of melding too much. But now it didn't matter. It was as if he wanted to cover each corner of the body and mind of Jim before he lost him. If he lost him.
The anguish that didn't drive away from the half-vulcan increased the pleasure. Because all tasted as the end. And Kirk felt it, and understood the way in which Spock was making love to him, even though he understood it. If they still have so many nights together, this wouldn't be their end. Why this day, what have of special this time? Nothing, it couldn't have it.
And when they ended, with their minds still connected, they arrived to that so familiar paradise and beyond.
"I love you, Jim," said Spock.
"I love you too."
And like in a cycle that repeats, the same words were said. Only that this time it was Spock who had the imperative need of saying then and hearing them and it was Kirk who submissively answered.
Spock hugged with strength to the body of his best friend as if he didn't want to let him go.
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"Spock…" whispered some lips.
"Jim," answered at the ears others.
"I need to speak with you," was what starter all and a pair of blue eyes found with a pair of black ones.
Ninety-four years later, thirty-eight years before, everything started again. It was more than love, it was a friendship.
Once more it was a first time.
"Take me, Jim. Take me," said Spock.
And the cycle had started again.
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It was a first time.
Then a second first time.
And a third first time.
Finally, a last time.
Then everything started once more.
It was a first time, again.
N/A: I hope you like it, and I know that I used the word 'times' too much, but it was kind of the point.
Made for Spirk day, one day later, but... HAPPY SPIRK DAY! (All right, I had made it before but I didn't publish it here until now)
And this is my first ST fic, I'm so happy about it!