Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

Author's Note: This is a huge departure from what I usually write. This season has been getting me down a bit, and the stuff I've been reading lately about what's coming up hasn't made it any better. Specifically I read that Damon and Stefan are going to get in a physical fight over Elena and it's hinted that Stefan wins. This first chapter is going to be my take on that. My muse is evil.

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"Ow! What was that for?" Damon groaned after Stefan threw him against the wall.

"I told you to stop hitting on my girl!" Stefan snarled. "If you won't stay away from her, then I'll make you!"

"You're gonna kick MY ass?" asked Damon incredulously.

"Remember when I staked you back in Season 1? I was on animal blood back then!" Stefan smirked.

"Yeah, what is with that? I've been drinking human blood for the past century and a half almost and you're suddenly Rambo on a bunny diet?" Damon snapped, pulling himself upright.

"The producers don't care. They're Team Stefan baby. So I can kick your ass into next week, no matter how unrealistic it is."

"Why? You're boring. Even Paul Wesley is complaining about how one-note your character is."

"Well, you have to admit, a brooding, eternally 17-year-old vampire who's actually over 100 years old, and who is insanely knowledgeable, sensitive, and wanted to be doctor but couldn't because of the blood…it's just such a fresh concept, you know? When has that ever been done before?"

"Why don't you go find yourself some helpless, clumsy dim-wit and leave Elena to me? She's got fire!"

Stefan effortlessly smashes Damon against the wall again. "You're forgetting who the hero is in this story. I save the day and get the girl. That's just how it works."

"Well, what if I save the day?"

"You get nothing. I thought we established that when we rescued Elena from Trevor and Rose."

"Why am I even on this show? I never get the girl. I never get the glory. I'm never allowed to be even a tiny bit happy. And I have to play second fiddle to a bunny-munching bore. I've had it. I'm out of here!"

"You can't leave. You're here so that I can look better by comparison. I get to kick your ass, outwit you and look saintly even though I've killed loads of people too."

Damon groans. "Whatever they're paying me for this is SO not worth it."