A/N: Just a small one-shot! I can make it a full story if you like it and want me to, though. Just let me know. I hope you guys like it and I'll already warn you, this one is very, very sad.
I do not own the characters or Law & Order SVU.
Olivia felt numb. She had just woken up from another nightmare, screaming. It had just been a bad dream, but it didn't really make any difference: she was living her worst nightmare while she was wide awake.
She had lost him. Her partner, her best friend, her loved one, her lover. She had lost him and there was nothing she could do about it.
It had been just two or three days ago, but Olivia was no longer able to say precisely how many times she thought of putting an end to her pain the easiest way during this short time. She just wanted to be with him again and she wanted it so bad...
Although she wanted it, she couldn't. He had asked her, begged her, to be strong. It had been his last wish and she couldn't just turn her back to it.
- EL! – She almost jumped to her knees next to him after Jenna had been stopped. – No, no, no, no, no...No! NO!
Olivia could hear someone calling 911 but it was barely a whisper. The whole deafening noise was actually inside her head.
- Liv, I...
- Shh, El, stay with me, okay. Just stay with me baby, you're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be fine – her voice was barely a whisper now. – No...
- I love you, Liv.
- I love you, too, El, love you now and forever, just look at me, El... – She pleaded while the whole squad watched them, shocked. – Stay with me... Please, don't die... – She whispered, putting their foreheads against each other's.
Elliot had been shot on his left lung. There was a ridiculously small chance that he would make it, but Olivia was sure that the only reason the doctors had given him such a slim chance was because they didn't want to say that Elliot could die at any moment. Not in front of his kids, anyway.
Oh my God.
The kids.
Since they have been through a friendly divorce, Elliot and Kathy had managed a joint custody. Elliot and Olivia were living together since Eli's birth, when Elliot left his family's house for good, after being completely sure that not even a baby could save his relationship with Kathy. Elliot and Olivia had been dating for a while before this, but when they found out Kathy was pregnant Olivia let him free to try it again for the sake of his son. But once again he chose her and they were living happily ever after and safe: all SVU detectives, as well as Cragen, had chosen to lie blatantly to IAB for them.
The kids were something else. They weren't exactly satisfied with the divorce at first, but then they realized it was the best for their parents, they were okay with it, and went wild when they found out that Olivia was daddy's new girlfriend. They were crazy about her, and they already saw Olivia as their mother as well. With Elliot's death, though, the law demanded they stayed with Kathy full time. There was no other way, not even if Liz Donnelly was the judge and Kathy herself asked for a custody agreement.
This was going to hurt so much more than Olivia had first thought.
The squad room was dead silent, as if not only Elliot, but all of the detectives were now buried seven feet under the ground, and Olivia couldn't stand it. She walked outside and didn't really see where she was going, until she found herself outside Elliot's church in Glen Oaks. Wow. She looked at her watch: an hour and a half had passed since she left the stationhouse. Olivia sighed, walked into the church and bent down behind one bench.
She closed her eyes and, at the same time, wished that Elliot could and couldn't hear her; he wouldn't be pride of her and would want to stop her, no matter what it cost.
"El... I'm so sorry. I'm just not strong enough, and all I want is to be with you again. I hope that when we're together again you still love me", she prayed. Then she got up, and left, got into a cab and headed home to Upper West Side.
Once inside her apartment, she went to the kitchen and opened the first drawer.
"I love you, El. Please, forgive me", she prayed again, and grabbed a knife out of the drawer.
A/N: I've never been to NY, so I'm not even sure if you can walk from the precinct to Glen Oaks, and how long it takes if you can. Sorry if it sounds unrealistic.