Saturday 28th July
9.30am
Miss Georgia Nicolson
The Front Bedroom
Beech Avenue
Eastbourne
HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)
Dear Georgia Nicolson,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted as a late admission to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We apologise for your late admittance, but the witches and wizards' records from your area were misplaced due to a problem at the Ministry of Magic. We are sure you will catch up with other students, and we offer extra tuition if needed. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
What fresh hell? Is this a joke? All through my life nothing magical has ever happened to me. Just look at my luurve life, SG is well and truly buggered off to Kiwi-a-gogo and my italian cakey has been eaten by an octopussy, and might i add slimy, slag with no forehead.
2 mins later.
vati has seen my letter. he is shouting 'thank god, i thought my daughter was a squib!' he is now showing me his wand (erlack!) whilst the disgusting tart i am forced to call my mother is giggling every time O-portly one says 'my wand'
how vair vair sad and pathetico this is.
10am.
Maybe there are some gorgey wizardy-type boys.
30 seconds later.
Maybe the wizardy-type boys are all midgets who wander round wearing capes with moons on them, and eat frogs for breakfast.
10.02am.
I wonder if there is a spell to make my nose smaller. and my eyelashes longer. and my hair have ultimate bounceability. Oh and don't forget, a lurker eradicator spell. yes this would be good.
10.03am.
I may even say it's going to be a HOOT. get it? i am already feeling the magic so much that i can make owley jokes.
11am
Mutti is going on about some saddo called 'diagonal lee'. what is wrong with lee and why is he diagonal?
Sunday 29th July.
8am
woke up to angus sitting on my nose. it's all squashed up but it looks slightly smaller like this. good kittykat. angus truly is a top class kitty, he nearly caught the owl when mum sent it off.
8.02am
turns out 'diagonal lee' is not really a lopsided bloke, its actually a road of shops in London or something, and mum says we're going today. What would be considered normal to wear to a magical shopping centre?
8.03am
a mini skirt, that's what.
8.04am
or maybe jeans and ankle boots?
8.06am
definitely the mini skirt.
9am
I am de-orangutaned to within an inch of my life, and my hair will have maximum bounceability from these rollers. have to make a good impression on the wizarding world and all that jazz. now for makeup.
9.35am
had a mad dash to put on foundation, pressed powder, bronzer, eyeliner, 8 coats of mascara, eyeshadow and my new lipgloss. positively sex kitty-ish. no no no dave get out my brain!
10.13am
on the train to London, reading my Hogwarts letter. it seems a bit different to Stalag 14. HURRAH! no more Hawkeye, no more Slim, no more wet lindsay!
2 minutes later.
Merde! what about the ace gang?
1 minute later.
what will they do without me. Jas could possibly die of a fringe flicking spasm, or RoRo could accidently set her fake beard on fire.
30 seconds later.
there is some chap a few seats down from us, who's reading some newspaper with pictures that keep waving at me. mutti says that all pictures in the wizarding world move, so this bloke must be a wizard. he's actually quite gorgey looking, all blonde in a sex-wizard way.
10.17am
oh god, he's caught me looking at him. look casual georgia, oooh what's that interesting no-smoking sign over there, casually scan the room. does this look normal? i could actually use the 'i've got to catch my train' excuse this time, apart from the train's next stop isn't for another half an hour.
2 minutes later.
his mum is looking now. like a goosegog.
30 seconds later.
my mum is waving at them. MUM PLEASE NOO, NOT IN FRONT OF BLONDIE.
"Connie, haven't seen you for a while!" SW's mum is now sitting opposite us, "Draco, come and see Connie!"
5 minutes later.
So SW is called Draco, very wizardy name, and his mum is called Narcissa or something. Turns out she is one of mum's best friends from aerobics, but they were best friends at Hogwarts and she is also a witch. she's going on about how us 'pure bloods' have to stay together. what is wrong with everyone else's blood? this magic stuff is vair confusing.
30 seconds later.
Sex-Wizard has made me come to the shop bit of the train with him, and he bought me a coffee, even though I don't like them but i look v. sophisticated when i drink it. Draco is actually really nice and he's hilarious, he reminds me a bit of Dave. Oh my God DAVE GO AWAAAY.
11.30am
WE'RE IN LONDOOOON! mutti and I are going to diagonal lee with SW and his mum so that I have a friend for when I get to Hogwarts. I wouldn't mind getting to know Draco some more, tehehe.
11.31am
Gadzooks, Draco just showed me his wand (oo-er) and he says it's 10 inches (OO-ER) and 'springy' (erlack). Now we're in some crappio pub with some baldy that looks a bit like Uncle Eddie behind the bar.
11.35am
THERE IS A MAGIC STREET BEHIND THE PUB. The street's full of people wearing capes and things. What were they thinking? Mini skirts suit the occasion much better... Although I did get a couple of funny looks from some bearded old gits, but some attempted sticky eye action from a few young wizardy blokes.
11.37am
There are alot of gingers around here.
30 seconds later.
Draco doesn't seem to like them much, or that one with the scar on his forehead.
2 minutes later.
SW and Señor Scarry are having a fisticuffs at dawn fandango, I'd better cut in.
11.40am
'STOP IN THE NAME OF PANTS', Draco looked at me and burst out laughing. Eventually he calmed down a bit and put his arm round me and I dragged him away from Scarry and one of the gingers. They're still looking at me. What is it with wizardy folk and their goosegoggling.
11.41am
What is all this rubbish on my letter? Uniform is three sets of plain black work robes, a pair of protective gloves, and a black winter cloak with silver fastenings. at least you can wear normal clothes underneath, and there isn't anything about skirt length, makeup or berets. Then there's a load of text books about frogs or making things disappear and stuff, one of them is by ARSEnius Jigger. Tehehe. A wand, a cauldron, crystal phials, telescope and scales. What a load of crap. Mutti says i can take angus, and she'll get me an owl as well but send him there later, because i'm not really supposed to have both.
1.57pm
everything on my list is ticked off, even my wand. I'm running around with SW like a loon on loon tablets, waving a stick above my head. My wand-stick-thing is 13 inches, elm with phoenix feather core, and brittle. what difference that makes to me, I have no clue.
3pm
Draco has promised to come round tomorrow to teach me about wizardy things, and he only lives in Haywards Heath so it's not far.
Saturday 29 July
7.30am
Got up to do yoga to make me calmy-calm and refreshed. and also so i could get in some extra bathroom time to get ready for sex wizard.
9.30am
On the way to the train station to meet Draco, must walk slowly so i don't look like a red faced loon.
9.59am
I wonder if he actually remembered to come.
2 seconds later.
maybe it was all a dream.
10.01am
screamed in the middle of the station because Draco snuck up behind me. apparently i was on the wrong platform and he's been waiting for 10 mins. oopsies.