The Misadventures of Spectre: Heartgold And Soulsilver.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon :(
"Shit! I slept in! Ehem! Hello and welcome to the world of Pokemans!"
"My name is Professor Oak. Yes, I'm named after a tree stop laughing." Oak explained.
"This is what we call a Pokemon!" Oak said as a Marill appeared and growled rapidly.
"There are all kinds of different Pokemans in this world. Some we have never seen before due to them not been programmed in yet such as the god of life and death, but surely by now we should have known about them!"
"4th WALL!" a random voice called out.
Marill jumped up and bitt Oak on the arm.
"Ah yes! Some Pokemon have dead viruses. Make sure you always get them… checked… urg." Oak started to only fall over as Marill jumped up and down on his face.
Professor Oak fainted.
"GAH!?" a boy shouted as he woke up from the dream. Sweat was running down his face as he sighed in relief. He looked at the time and saw that it was 8:30AM.
He smiled at the date. 10th/10th. His birthday. Today he was 16, the age he was allowed to enter the Pokemon league.
"Spectre! It's time for breakfast!" a women called out from downstairs.
The boy now known as Spectre yawned loudly.
He had golden eyes and jet black hair to contrast with his tanned skin.
"Be down soon Ma!" Spectre shouted.
He quickly took a shower and got changed into his usual clothing.
He threw on his black singlet and then a zip up red jacket over top, black jeans and shoes. He grabbed his signature hat and placed it on backwards, threading his fringe through.
He raced down the stairs to find his mother and sister already eating.
"Morning Ma. Morning Sis." Spectre said before sitting down.
"Slow as all ways Spec." his sister, Crystal or Kris for short commented.
"Well at least I wasn't born with blue hair!" Spectre smirked gaining a slap on the head from his older sister.
"Shut up!" Kris hissed at her younger brother.
"Enough you two. Kris, be nice to your brother on his birthday!" there mother told them. Spectre smirked.
"Yeah… happy birthday or whatever…" Kris said with very little interest.
After eating some pancakes, his mother came down with a box and a card.
"Happy birthday from us. I'm sure your father would be proud…" Spectres mother said.
Spectre never met his father. They fucked and then he left. Kris was too young to remember him either. Spectre hated his guts.
He opened the box to find a pair of running shoes and his Pokegear.
"To use the running shoes, just press B." his mum explained.
"4th WALL!"
Everyone in the house looked around, trying to find the source of the voice.
"Weird. Anywho, open the card next twat." Kris told her brother, who rolled his eyes at her comment.
He ripped the top off and saw a card, but not any normal card.
It was his official trainer's card for the Pokemon league.
On the back was eight pictures, featuring silhouettes of the eight gym leaders of Johto.
"And we organised Professor Elm to give you a starter. Wasn't cheap, but I planned out a deal." His mother told the birthday boy. "He however did say you had to run an errand for him though."
Spectre raced back upstairs and grabbed his backpack and exited the house with even saying goodbye.
"(Sigh) he is just like his father. Can't stay still." His mother said out loud.
As soon as he got outside, a blob jumped up and body slammed Spectre in the face, sending him to the dusty hard ground.
"Marill! Come back!" a female called out. The Marill that assaulted Spectre, danced on top of him.
"Spectre? You ok? Please tell me Marill didn't hurt you?" the girl said to Spectre whilst grabbing Marill.
"Yeah, I'm fine Lyra. Stop worrying." Spectre told the girl.
Lyra was the same age as Spectre but older by a few months. She was new to the area as she moved here about 4 months ago from Ercuteak City to stay with her aunt. She didn't like going into detail about it, but she had a big bust up with her parents over something.
Seeming New Bark town was such a small town, Spectre and Lyra meet each other fairly fast.
"You're up early? Also happy birthday!" Lyra said giving him a hug.
Spectres mind instantly went into pervert mode.
"Don't think about the squishy marshmallows pressing on your chest Spectre… don't think about it… don't!" Spectre screamed inside till Lyra let go.
"Thanks Lyra. I'm off to get myself my starter. You want to come?" Spectre offered.
"Sorry. I have to help Aunty Morris clean for the day. (Sigh) See yah!" Lyra explained before departing.
Spectre headed over to the Johto region official professors house.
"What's with every professor in this planet being named after trees?" Spectre questioned.
Something at this point caught his eye.
Next to the left of the building was a male that looked the same age as him. He wore black jacket with red lines going downwards, purple long pants with black and red sneakers. He had very pale skin, with the contrast of his bright red hair.
In his hand was a spray can.
Spectre walked over to him.
"Hey bro? What you doing?" he asked.
The boy stopped and turned to Spectre.
"Yo! You shouldn't sneak up on people! Now fuck off!" the mysterious teen yelled before shoving Spectre away as he continued to graffiti the building.
"Gimme one good reason why I shouldn't go tell the cawps?"
"Because if you do, you'll fuck up the stories plot. Trust me. But seriously, fuck off and get on with it!"
"Asshole…" Spectre complained as he entered Elms lab.
Which reeked of drugs.
"Oh? Spectre… you're here at last." Elm said with a joint in his mouth as he injected a needle into his arm.
"Yeah. Here to pick up that Pokemon." Spectre said.
"Your mother managed to organise this. Let's say she is a very great performer!" Elm stated.
"Gimme my starter before I kick your ass…"
"Now? Fire, water or grass?" Elm asked as he pulled out three pokeballs.
"Haha! Stupid question! Everyone knows fire type is the best in 2nd generation!" Spectre said grabbing the Pokeball, opening it and releasing out Cyndaquil.
Species: Cyndaquil
Nickname: Carl's Jr
Gender: Male
Level: 5
Nature: Impish
Moves: Tackle, leer, ember.
"Now! Go to mah friend, Mr. Pokemanz house. Deliver this package, it's his goods for the next 2 weeks. Safe travels!" Elm said before kicking Spectre out.
Spectre released Cyndaquil and kneeled down to his height.
"Hey buddy. My name Spe-"
"You named me after a fucking fast food joint!" the Cyndaquil roared.
"Woah? You can talk or is it just Elms fumes tripping me out?" Spectre questioned.
"All trainers first mons can talk dumbass!" Cyndaquil shouted as he jumped on to Spectre's shoulder. "Now move human!"
Pretty much for the next hour was spam tackle! Spam ember! And repeat!
(Cherrygrove city)
"Jesus Christ! Why can't they ever give new trainers repels. So much death." Spectre complained as he rubbed his temples.
"Stop whining. We are here now and that is what matters!" Cyndaquil said.
"You know I wished you couldn't talk…"
"Psst. Hey kid… Wanna have a gun? For yer know? Self-protect?" a shady man out of nowhere asked.
"Eh why not." Spectre said as he took the gun. The man made a dash for it.
"Weird…" Spectre muttered thinking nothing of it.
About another 15 minutes north, the new trainer hit a house at the end of the route. He walked inside to find 3 males.
The oldest Spectre identified as Professor Oat.
The youngest was the former champion Blue mother fuckin Oat.
And the other must be Mr. Pokeyfuckwit.
"Um? Hello?" Spectre said.
"Oh! You must be Elms bitch! You have mah stash?" asked as the newbie trainer handed over the drugs to him.
"WOOO! Party tonight!"
Spectre turned his head to the professor Oat.
"Professor Oat? I thought you died in my dreams?" Spectre asked.
"Firstly it's oak you snot nosed brat! Secondly, I die in everyone's dreams." Oak explained.
"Urg. You remind me of Red! Fuck you!" Blue snapped as an Umbreon jumped out from behind as dashed to him. Spectre freaked and pulled out his gun and shot it directly in the eyes, killing it instantly.
"SHIT!" Blue cursed, as he dropped to the corpse of his dead Pokemon. "Wah! Grandpa! This reminds me of Raticate!"
"Um? Opps?" Spectre muttered.
"I rate the kill 6.9 out of 10." Cyndaquil added.
"Hmm. You managed to bring a former champion to tears. I think you're more than capable to finish this Pokedex. It was my dream, but I'm a lazy son of a bitch and I also run the Kanto/Johto brothel!" Oak said, handing the mini tablet to Spectre.
"And for your troubles, have this gay looking egg!" Mr. Pokemanz shouted as threw the egg at Spectre and then proceeded to BLAZE IT!
Spectre left the building to get away from the chaos until his Pokegear started to ring.
It was his mother.
"Hey Ma, what's up?" Spectre said in the phone.
"Honey! The elms lab is under lockdown! The police is firing! I want you home now!"
"But Ma! I don't want to run all the way home!"
"Dear you have too! It's also in the game's programing and you cannot progress unless you come home this instant!"
"Ugg, Fine!" Spectre moaned as he hung up and walked home.
Once back in Cherrygrove city, Spectre reached the entrance to see someone running towards him.
It was the same guy that was lurking around Elms building before.
"Hey! Your that asshole from before!" Spectre spat as the red haired boy stopped in his tracks.
"Shit… I've been spotted! Ok! I stole a pokemon so what! STOP JUDGING ME!" the boy yelled.
"… I wasn't judging you at all…" Spectre said awkwardly.
"Oh… LETS FIGHT!" he yelled as an evil looking Totodile appeared.
Cyndaquil growled at the sight of the water type.
"Wait what!?" Spectre yelled himself as he was about to go into his first official battle.
"Here is the deal. If I win, I get to kill you. If you win, I have to give you my secret Gardevoir pictures stash. How does that sound?" the boy offered.
"That's disgusting! Cyndaquil! Ember this bitch into oblivion!"
Cyndaquil jumped up and landed on Totodile and at point blank, used ember right in Totodiles right eye.
He screamed in pain until he passed out. Cyndaquil walked back over.
"SHIT!" the boy yelled as he returned Totodile.
"You got lucky today! But I bet you can't even beat a… Sunkern! HAHAHA!" the boy laughed as he ran off.
Spectre got a quick glimpse of his trainer card, which said his name was Silver.
"Then what does that make you!" Spectre shouted.
Spectre and Cyndaquil journeyed back to New Bark town to find around 7 Cawp cars surrounding Elms place.
He could also see what Silver was doing to Elms building.
"elm suks Deek? Hehe." Spectre giggled at the graffiti on the side of the building.
Due to Johto police being pieces of shit, Spectre literally walked on in.
He found the dead body of Elm with multiple shot wounds inflected into his chest. There was also a puddle of piss by it.
"Woah shit…"
"Eh. Never liked him, always bought the diet food. Called me fat this one time." Cyndaquil said as he kicked the corpse.
"FREEZE!" A Cawp shouted as he aimed a gun at Spectre. "After months of heavy planning to raid this bitch, an accomplice shows up? Oh this is too good!"
"Woah! Woah! Woah!" Spectre freaked.
"Any last words?" the Cawp said, placing his finger on the trigger.
"WAIT!" a girl called out, rushing through the doors.
"Arg! What now?"
It was Lyra.
"He is innocent! Please believe me! He is not the accomplice!" Lyra protested.
"And why should I believe you girl?" the Cawp yelled at Lyra, but putting his Gun down.
"Listen, if I give you 5 minutes behind the building, can you drop this?" Lyra said while looking at her nails in embarrassment.
The Cawp grinned madly.
Spectre jaw dropped at what Lyra was proposing.
"Deal!" the Cawp said as he and Lyra disappeared outside.
All Spectre and Cyndaquil could hear was the Cawp moaning.
Spectres eye twitched.
"Bro, somethings once heard can never be unheard." Cyndaquil joked.
5 minutes later, the Cawp and Lyra returned as he had a happy look on his face, while Lyra had a napkin and was cleaning hers…
Ew.
"Ok. So kiddo, you're free to go. But I still have no accomplice!" the Cawp complained.
"You ok?" Spectre asked Lyra.
"Yea. Nothing new. Just a free blowie behind a building to get my way. You got a mint or some gum. Breath kind of smells…" Lyra said as Spectre gave her a stick of gum.
"You know what, have it all."
"Thanks." Lyra said before she saw a green Pokemon in the corner crying.
It was a small Chikorita.
Lyra swooped on down to hug.
"Oh my god! You're so cute!" Lyra said as Marill could be seen in the background with a shotgun.
"(Sniff) All the other starters are gone but me…" the female Chikorita cried.
"Gosh! Who could leave you behind?" Lyra said to it.
"Well Chikorita is the worst starter." Spectre said.
"I hear you there brother!" the Cawp agreed.
"Amen" Cyndaquil also agreed.
Lyra glared at the three males.
"(Sniff) Even Francesco got picked before me…" Chikorita said.
"So that Totodile I fought was Francesco… Professor Elm's accomplice!" Cyndaquil said to Chikorita.
"It was a standstill between Elm and the Cawps as Elm threatened to blow the entire town up. That was till some Red haired kid ran through the wall screaming 'Elm sucks dick'. The Cawps thought it was Elm and started to shoot. He grabbed Francesco and before running for it, he started to pee on Elm…" Chikorita explained to Cyndaquil, Lyra and Spectre.
A thought ran through Spectres mind.
"Hey Cawp! I think I know the identity to Elms accomplice!" Spectre said. "Some red haired boy was lurking around here! I just fought him as well near Cherrygrove!"
"Did you get his name?" the Cawp asked.
Spectre knew it was Silver as he saw his trainer card.
…but decided to have fun with it.
"Dickweed. His name was Dickweed." Spectre smirked as Cyndaquil giggled.
The Cawp pulled out a walkie talkie.
"Everybody be on the lookout for a red harried trainer by the name of Dickweed!" the Cawp said before leaving.
Lyra walked back to Chikorita.
"Well, I don't want to leave you here all alone, so you can come with me if you want?" Lyra offered as Chikorita jumped into her arms.
Cyndaquil was next to Marill, who now had a machete
"You just got replaced."
Spectre returned home only to receive a giant slap across the face from his mother.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" she screamed.
"On an adventure…" Spectre muttered.
"And what did you do on this so called adventure?" his mother asked.
"I learnt that my friend is a ginormous slut, Elm is dead and now I have the entire Johto Police after some asshole that I called Dickweed. Productive yes." Spectre stated. "Ma listen. I'm going to take the Pokemon league challenge! That's my dream, it means I have to leave. I'll be fine!"
A tear ran down her face as she hugged him.
"I just don't want to lose you like I did with your father…"
"I'll never end up like him."
Lyra was waiting at the entrance of the town with Chikorita and Marill.
"Spectre!" she called out. He felt awkward being around her after today.
"H-hi Lyra. Um, thanks for early. I wanted you to have this!" Spectre thanked as he handed over the egg he got from Mr. Pokemanz.
"An egg?"
"Yeah. Listen I've got to get to Cherrygrove before dark. Then I'm off to violet city to take on the gym." Spectre explained his plan to the girl.
"Can I come? I swear I want slow you down." She asked.
"I don't know… it could be dangerous."
She unleashed every girl's ultimate weapon…
Puppy dawg eyes.
"Ok fine!" Spectre said with no argument.
"Yay!" she cheered.
"Weak bro. Weak." Cyndaquil added.
(Meanwhile in Cherrygrove.)
"I'm sorry, but the damage done to your Totodiles right eye is unrepairable." Nurse joy said to Silver.
"Eh. He can wear this cool ass eyepatch and look like a badass!" Silver said as he forced the eyepatch on Totodile, who snapped at him.
"You incompetent fool! Elm and I had an excellent deal! AND YOU RUINED IT!" Francesco roared.
"You now must bow down to me as I am-"
"I'll call you Lil 'Dicky! Cuz you have a small dick! HAHAHA!" Silver laughed and walked over to the computer.
"Where are you going!? I was about to explain my plans for world domination!" Totodile hissed.
"Ew! I have better things to do like watch my Gardevoir porn!" Silver said as he placed his hand down his pants.
Authors Note: Welcome to my take on Heartgold Soulsilver in the one of the most offensive ways possible. Yes, it will get worse.
The main starters and important characters aces will talk. Other than that yeah
On my profile will be the teams of Spectre, Lyra and Silver (Dickweed)
This was inspired by Pokemon Golder. I highly suggest it, funniest shit ever!
As always review, suggest or PM me. Poke_Spectre out!