The characters were created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. South Park is a good show, I recommend it to everyone.

This is a very cliché story, not serious at all. You have been forewarned. And by the way, will writers please start writing more Cartman/Kyle fiction. Completely drown the South Park section in it.

Chapter 1

"Damn those guys," Cartman mumbled to himself, walking down the school hall. "Where are they?" He really wanted to show them those papers on Mr. Garrison's desk.

He walked further, past the bathroom, past the janitors closest--

And stopped. What the…? There was moaning coming from the closest. He got closer and put his ear to the door.

"Oh..mmm…oh…oh…Stan…" There was a rhythmic thumping.

Cartman's eyed widened. Stan? How did that bastard get laid before him? It had better not be that Wendy bitch. But then, that was the only girl it could be. He had never shown an interest in anyone else. Aw, disgusting. He couldn't believe he was listening to Stan having sex.

The thumping and the moaning increased and Eric sat and listened to it all, making disgusted faces, before it stopped altogether. Cartman heard muffled laughing, and felt a bang against the door. He jumped back and on a whim decided to hide in the classroom across the hall. He didn't know why he decided to do that: he could have waited right outside the door with crossed arms, waiting for Stan to come out, embarrassing him for years to come and acquiring excellent blackmail material. But later he would thank Mel Gibson for blessing him with insurmountable instincts, because what he saw next became a turning point in his life.

He heard the janitor door creek open, and then the two voices, (which for whatever reason were whispering, even though just a minute ago they had been making enough noise to be clearly heard from 3 classrooms down) were coming towards him. He tried to peek over the corner of the door as best he could, all while trying not to be seen.

"We better find Fatass, he might be snooping around," one of the voices said, the girl, the girl Stan was just boning. …That doesn't sound like Wendy…sounds familiar though…kind of like….

"If he's snooping anywhere he's probably somewhere in the cafeteria, looking for leftovers."Stan's voice. Cartman wanted to yell to Stan that he wasn't a poor asshole, but he was too concentrated on trying to figure out who the girl was.

They came closer, just out of sight. And then it dawned on Cartman and he knew who it was, just before he saw them, but he couldn't do anything to stop his eyes from looking. As Stan and Kyle walked into sight, his stomach dropped.

No! No, no, NO!

"Mm…more than likely. Maybe we should go somewhere else…and since he's probably occupied anyways…we could start off again… where we left off…." Kyle ran a hand down Stan's chest. Stan paled and his eyes glazed over; then he shook his head vigorously.

"No Kyle, come on, you know we promised him."

Kyle rolled his eyes and let go of Stan. "Yes, I know. Even if he is a big dopey fatass who probably called us here for some dumbass reason, I wouldn't just forget about him." He sighed. "Let's go find him."

Cartman, in cold sweat and shock, knew he had to think of a reason for being in the classroom. Luckily this was one of the classes he and Stan shared. He ran over to the teacher's desk and jiggled the drawer around a bit before he heard the lock click. This was something he had done many times before. Inside the drawer there were answer sheets to tests and graded work. He grabbed the sheet on the top, hoping to God that it was for the test coming up this week. Eric got up and ran over to the door.

The figures of Stan and Kyle were nearing the end of the hall, and though Eric wanted their attention, he decided that running towards them would not be very nonchalant. That and…he just didn't like running

"Ay! There you two fags are!"

It hurt him to say that. Like he was acknowledging the fact that he had lost and Stan had won.

Stan jumped and turned around, grabbing at his heart. "Jesus Cartman!"

Eric walked over to them. "Took you guys long enough…" his eyes trailed down to their arms, which were still interlocked. He snapped up to look them in the eyes. "Haha, don't tell me you guys are boyfriends now?" He tried to keep the normal jibe in his voice, but it came out a little more sinister sounding than he had intended it.

They quickly separated. "Shut up Fatass!" said Stan, but even as he yelled at Cartman there was a look that passed between Kyle and Stan, a look that made Cartman's guts twist, and his mouth twitch. They thought they were so fucking sneaky that they could share those stupid looks and he wouldn't figure it out?!

"Don't try to hide it, I know that stupid Jew bitch likes it shoved up his vagina." Definitely sinister this time, and slightly arousing.

Stan looked appalled and Kyle's cheeks were staining pink.

"Don't fucking say that about Kyle! Come on Kyle we're leaving."

Kyle's face had quickly gone from pink with embarrassment to red with fury. "Fuck you Cartman! Fuck you, you fucking fatasshole! Asshole! We came here to meet you! And the first thing you do is call us fags and then you…you…you have to…Argh!" Kyle finished in exasperation.

"…Interesting…looks like ah hit a nerve…" he slowly as he rubbed his chin, and observed Kyle, who was still fuming, before yelling, "Calm down you stupid Jew! I think Stan worked you a little too hard today. I knew you would run out of stamina." Stan looked puzzled by the last comment, but Kyle, still fuming didn't seem to care. "Anyways," he began in a lighter tone, "because you guys didn't show up I had to do all the work myself, but since I'm such a nice person, I'm still willing to share." He showed them the answer sheet he was holding behind his back. "Kahl doesn't have this class, but you'll probably find it useful Stan." He hadn't really called them over to cheat on papers; he had wanted to show them the faggy stories he had found on Mr. Garrison's desk. But it seemed too strange for the situation now.

Stan and Kyle looked at the answer sheet. "You brought us here to cheat?!" said Kyle.

Cartman narrowed his eyes at Kyle. "No…I brought you here so Stan and I can cheat."

"You really are a useless fatass aren't you?

"I'm not asking you. I'm asking Stan. Also, it's not cheating. If you know the right answers, you willll learn as you are reading the test when you put the right answers down. It's simple logic, Kahl. Anyways, Stan and I will be over nyah, so if you want to join us, then you can sit like a good girl and watch."

Stan just shook his head. "I don't want any part of it Fatass."

"Cartman, that's the most twisted logic I've ever heard!" Kyle added.

"Fine!" said Eric as they turned and walked away. "That's just fine! Oh and Stan! While you're eating Kahl out, you might want to clean out the sand from his vagina."

Stan flipped him off as they left.

Cartman was left in the hall. He breathed. He stood. His fists were clenched.

Damn Stan. Damn Kyle. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. They ruined everything. It happened too fast. I need to think of something.

Ever since Kyle and Stan were little they had been best friends. Cartman was always left out. And who cared about that poor piece of shit. Eric knew he deserved it, he was an asshole to Kyle, he always had to push it, he wanted Kyle to talk to him, to notice him, to get angry. He wanted to make slight sexual innuendos so he could imagine Kyle doing the things he implied later.

Stan had always been Kyle's best friend, but Eric had been sure Stan liked girls. He had to like girls. This relationship had to be nothing more than two best friends who had become too close, and mistaken friendship for romantic feelings. That had to be it.

But Kyle…Kyle was gay, and Eric knew it. Not just on a hunch either. He had snuck onto Kyle's computer before, checked his room, and found porn that was definitely not female. Eric had had to sit down for a moment when he found that out. Kyle like men. Men were dangerous, men could hurt Kyle and control him, and this aroused Eric to no extent.

He had thought there was something between him and Kyle. There was passion, there was anger, and there was a lot of fury. And for some reason, he had just assumed that one day Stan would go off with a girl, and Kyle would be all alone. Kenny would be dead in a ditch somewhere, and the only one left…would be Eric. They would go off together and find a house. Kyle would be Cartman's little housewife, because he would threaten him not to do otherwise, and when Cartman would come home Kyle would be there and they would do whatever Eric wanted. They would role-play the Holocaust, which was something Eric had always wished to do with Kyle. Cartman would punish Kyle for even the most trivial thing and then he would drag him into the other room and crawl on top of him.

That was how Cartman had imagined it. But now it was ruined. He'd never get Kyle away from Stan. He'd never be able to have Kyle to himself.

He hated Stan. But he hated Kyle even more. And he wasn't going to let them get away with it.