Title: Drink to Your Health
Rating: PG
Word Count:
Characters: Hitsugaya Toushirou, Matsumoto Rangiku, Ayasekawa Yumichika et al.
Warnings: Mild spoilers for the Arrancar arc
Summary: Hitsugaya gets a lesson on foreign human customs
A/N: Happy late Saint Patrick's Day!
It was a well known fact in the Gotei-13 that Matsumoto Rangiku could, and frequently did, drink even such heavyweights as Kyouraku-taichou under the table.
Any time was a good time for drinking, according to Matsumoto, and, unfortunately for her taichou, her time spent in the living world was not helping matters. For not only did Matsumoto have more liquor available than usual, but she was also learning about human celebrations and traditions.
Today was one such day. Hitsugaya was not amused when he was woken on one particular Saturday by Matsumoto pinching him none too gently on the side.
"Matsumoto," he growled, "what the hell are you doing?"
"It's Saint Patrick's Day, taichou!" she chirped happily. "You're not wearing green!"
It was then that Hitsugaya realized just what his lieutenant was wearing. She was literally dressed in green from head to toe: a green headband, a matching (and quite revealing) green and silver tanktop, and had even gone so far as to glue green ribbons all over her borrowed jeans; when he looked down, her feet were clad in green socks. The outfit was ridiculous and outlandish, but even Hitsugaya had to admit that it somehow worked on his lieutenant.
Not that he would ever tell her that. "And just what, exactly, is Saint Patrick's Day?" he asked, not really sure if he wanted to know.
"A holiday," she said happily.
"Really?" he grumbled. "I couldn't tell."
"It's something Orihime was telling me about. It's Irish."
"Yes, Matsumoto, but what is it? And why are you wearing green?"
Here, Matsumoto paused for a minute, frowning slightly. "It's about drinking. Just drinking. All day. And wearing green. If you're not wearing green, someone who is wearing green is allowed to pinch you."
She pinched him again, just to reiterate, and the temperature in the room dropped noticeably. Matsumoto continued smiling and ignored the glare her taichou was sending her.
Hitsugaya sighed, pointed out that his eyes were green, and made a mental note to avoid his fukutaichou for the rest of the day. Matsumoto pinched him for a third time and told him that his eyes were teal, not green, and besides, eye color didn't count.
It goes without saying that Hitsugaya's plans to spend the day on Orihime's roof catching up on paperwork were severely curtailed. Apparently Matsumoto had spoken to Yumi, who had told Ikkaku, who had informed Abarai, and the four of them had decided that this Saint Patrick's Day thing sounded like fun. Especially when drinking was involved. Because while drinking in itself was always good, a whole day specifically set aside for drinking and pinching people was even better.
And of course, Orihime had wanted in on the fun, and she had gotten Sado and Ishida into the mix. Urahara was doing it to irritate Yoruichi, who didn't particularly like the color green, and Kurosaki's idiot of a father was celebrating as well, so Hitsugaya couldn't hide with Ichigo.
So he, Kurosaki, Kuchiki, and Yoruichi all found themselves in spirit form, their bodies hidden beneath a massive pile of clothing in Kuchiki's-- Kurosaki's-- closet, sitting in the park by Karakura High School.
"How did this happen?" Ichigo asked suddenly. "Think about it. Two captain class shinigami, one seated level, and the former commander of Soul Society's Black Ops. Hiding. In a park. From two lieutenants, a third seat, a fifth seat, and various other humans of varying levels of insanity. It's not right."
"You're forgetting that Kisuke's captain class as well," Yoruichi pointed out.
Ichigo opened his mouth to retort, but Hitsugaya cut him off. "Both of you, stop talking."
Rukia yawned and stretched and leaned against Ichigo, who blushed but said nothing. Yoruichi smirked and informed them that a drink actually sounded pretty good right about now and she was off to join the others. Hitsugaya stayed for a few minutes longer and then stood and stalked off.
He didn't return to the house until he had tracked down his gigai, which had grown bored of Ichigo's closet and gone in search of ice cream, and even then not until he was sure that the majority of the drinking would be finished. His timing couldn't have been better, either.
Orihime was in the bathroom with Ishida, retching over the toilet while he held her hair and rubbed her back. Sado was nowhere in the apartment, and had presumably gone home. Ikkaku and Yumi were leaving just as he walked in, having finally woken up after passing out around midnight, and walking surprisingly straight for the amount of liquor they had probably consumed. Ishida informed him that Yoruichi had dragged Abarai and Urahara out just after the two eleventh division officers passed out; Matsumoto was passed out on the living room floor.
Hitsugaya sighed and looked down at his gigai, wondering if it would be up to the task of lifting Matsumoto, who was really quite heavy. Surprisingly, the body was indeed capable of picking her up, though the reek of alcohol coming off of her was almost unbearable on his heightened human senses.
She was going to have one hell of a hangover, to say the least. It was a wonder her faux body even worked at all, he mused, dumping her onto her futon and throwing a blanket over her.
But when Matsumoto woke the next morning, her first non-hangover-related thought was not how kind her taichou was. No, her first thought was that she was going to hurt the bastard. Because, really, he had such a mean streak, and his sense of humor was not amusing at all.
Nevertheless, she took the aspirin he had left her, and drank the green water with which she had been provided before crumpling up the green "Happy Saint Patrick's Day!" card accompanying the rather small stack of paperwork he had left.
Meanwhile, Hitsugaya sat on Orihime's roof and chuckled under his breath at his fukutaichou and the look he knew was on her face as she read all of the blackmail-worthy things he had painstakingly written inside of her card.