People Should Smile More
a Lily/James story
by callernumber16onz100
Summary: Lily Evans has a gorgeous smile. All James Potter wants is to see her use it more, and possibly in his direction, if things work out. With his Guide To Lily Evans, how can things go wrong? Oh, they can...
Chapter One: Meet The Guide
James Potter's Guide To Lily Evans
Chapter 22: Smile
Well, I saw it. I saw it– I saw it!– and bloody hell, I want to see it again and again.
If you, Sirius Black, are ever reading this, no, I'm not talking about boobs.
The world would be a better place if everyone could see what I just saw. Poverty would be cured, babies would stop crying, those Death Eaters would all spontaneously combust, Peter would stop eating Rachel Rollinger's cookies, Remus would get a date, and Sirius would stop stealing his prospective dates.
And also, I would be able to draw better diagrams for you (see below).
Alert the media, because Lily Evans SMILED. (Yes, alright, I know it's a very bad picture of a mouth, but not everyone has perfect artistic ability, so if you've got any complaints, go screw yourself. I'm sure Sirius would enjoy your company.)
Now, one would think that a simple smile isn't that much of a deal, nor worth a whole chapter in a book, but then you clearly haven't met Lily Evans. And if you haven't met Lily Evans, what the bloody hell are you doing reading this? This is the guide to anything and everything Lily, after all.
And if you haven't met or heard of Lily Evans, you're such an idiot that you really should just read the bloody introduction (page 3) and move on.
Anyway, now that all the idiots have stopped reading this, I can get on to describing Lily's smile and how it will cure poverty.
Lily's smile is sort of like a lilac. Actually, no, it's better than a lilac, but I know that lilacs are her favorite flower (see chapter 12, Lily's Favorites), so I might as well compare her smile to that, right?
Probably not. But the fact of the matter is: Lily Evans does not smile nearly enough.
Mainly, Lily Evans does not smile nearly enough in my presence.
But I've decided I'm going to change that.
I'm going to call it Project Smile, and by the time I'm done with her, not only will she be smiling like a crazed chimpanzee at me, but she'll be madly in love with me.
If Sirius ever reads this, I will die.
James Potter set down his quill. It was 11:32 at night, and he could hear his best mate– his annoying best mate– snoring loudly two beds over. Rolling over on his side, James blew out the candle and shut his book.
Remus Lupin murmured something in the bed next to him, which sounded an awful like, "Sirius, I'm going to kill you. Give my fucking panties back." Uh oh. That wasn't exactly a positive sign. Every time Remus had a dream involving Sirius stealing something of his, which James noticed he had often enough, he generally woke up cranky, peevish, and ready to throw a thick copy of Heddlehem's Guide To Stupid Fellows at someone's innocent and unsuspecting head at any moment.
One time, he accidentally hit a first year, who was reduced to tear's.
He was never seen again.
Well, actually, he was seen again, but he generally avoided Remus and scurried away whenever the Marauders marched down the hallway. He ran for a good reason, too. Usually Sirius tried to stuff someone into a suit of armor.
James crawled forward on his bed, quietly opened up his trunk, found the secret compartment in the side, and stored his James Potter's Guide To Lily Evans in it, along with a stash of gum, his favorite book that he wouldn't be caught dead reading, a picture of his family, a picture of the Marauder's, and, sadly enough, a picture of Lily Evans, looking about ready to kill him for shoving a camera in her face and blinding her with the flash.
Reason #133 on James's Why Lily May Hate Me (And You, If You're An Idiot Like Me) list, located in the back of The Guide.
See? It's not like he didn't know why Lily wanted nothing to do with him, he just preferred to fake his ignorance. What a smart boy.
He flopped back down on his bed and tried to sleep. He was about to slip off when there was suddenly a very, very loud scream, the sound of a door slamming, followed by angry stomps up the staircase, and, lo and behold, Lily Evans had thrown open the door to the boys' dormitory, positively seething.
Oops. James wracked his brain, trying to figure out what he'd done this time.
"POTTER!" she cried shrilly, tossing her hair angrily out of her face.
He blinked up at her innocently. "Yes, Evans?"
"Don't you 'yes, Evans?' me!" she snapped. "I know you took it, so you might as well give it back, you pompous douche bag."
Douche bag? he wondered. Well, that's a new one.
"Evans, I honestly have no clue what you're talking about," he replied smoothly.
"Oye, what's with all the racket?" Sirius mumbled sleepily into his pillow. He propped himself up on his elbow, rested his cheek on his hand, and assumed his usual I'm-already-bored-with-this face. "Why, hello, Evans. What brings you to our humble abode on this fine evening?"
"Humble abode," she spat, kicking aside a stray pair of boxers. "Humble, alright."
Remus was somewhat up now. "Sirius, where the fuck are my panties?" he asked sleepily, his eyes barely open.
Sirius snickered. "Mate, I wasn't aware you owned panties. Go back to bed."
"Alright," Remus said, falling backwards onto his pillow and letting out a loud snore, before falling silent.
"Really, he's easier when he's half asleep," Sirius said. "Anyway, Evans, your reasons for being here?"
She rolled her eyes. "I'm here, Black, because Potter has something of mine that I'd really prefer he returned."
James blinked. "Evans, I really, honestly, have no bloody clue what you're talking about. If I did, your scary temper would have convinced me to give it back to you by now."
"Oh, honestly!" she cried, flailing her arms ridiculously. "Potter, what could you possibly want with my lucky bra? Plan on wearing it tomorrow, do you?"
James gasped. Bra. Lily Evans. Whoa. He was about to slip off into his lovely fantasy word, when Lily threw one of Sirius's smelly, old socks at his face. Gross.
"James Potter! I know exactly what you're thinking, and you better stop thinking it before I report you to Professor McGonagall for sexual harassment."
"Lily," Sirius said, "how is it sexual harassment if he's only letting his imagination wander, not his hands?"
Lily's face turned an angry shade of red. "I'll kill you," she hissed.
"I– I don't have your bra, Evans," James informed her suddenly. No matter how much I wish I did, he added to himself.
"Potter, please!" she cried. "I've got an Arithmancy exam tomorrow! I need that bra. Please."
"Evans, I'm sorry, I really don't have it."
She turned beet red. "You know, I thought there was still some sense of humanity left in you, but apparently I was wrong. When I'm living on the streets of London, you'll regret not giving me my damn bra."
She turned on her heel and stomped out of the room, letting out a string of curses all the way down.
"Blimey, that's one pissed bitch," Sirius said. He looked over at Peter, who was still sleeping peacefully, cookie crumbs scattered on his shirt. Sirius shook his head disapprovingly.
"I wonder who has her bra..." James said.
Sirius looked surprised. "You mean, you don't have it?"
"Of course not," Remus scoffed, suddenly awake. "If he did have it, he'd have given it back at the prospect of Lily living on the streets."
James nodded sheepishly.
"Then, who's got it?" Sirius wondered.
"Probably got lost in the laundry," James said. "You know how girls are always losing their shit. I bet it's that time of month anyway. You definitely know how girls get when they've got their little friend."
Sirius nodded. James assumed he was thinking of the one time he'd attempted to flirt with Thelma Hemingway, and she'd kneed him in the balls, tied him to a tree, and spat in his face. And then she'd sold tickets to all of Sirius's past flings/girlfriends/one-night-stands, who all got to throw a bucket of freezing water on him and watch him squirm.
Naturally, James managed to get it all on camera.
The next day, Lily was looking positively wretched. Which was saying something, because usually James thought she could be covered in slime from the Great Lake and still have beauty seeping out of her nostrils.
Which he would never admit.
"What the hell's wrong with her?" Peter Pettigrew asked, leaning across the table to whisper to James, as well as grab a slice of bread and a slab of butter.
"You would know if you hadn't slept so heavily last night," Sirius interjected.
Peter frowned, confused. "What'd I miss?"
James shook his head and continued to stare at Lily. She really did look horrible. Her hair was a mess, her gray Hogwarts cardigan was buttoned incorrectly, her pleated skirt was lopsided and wonky, and one sock was higher than the other.
In other words, Lily wasn't her usual immaculate self.
"Oh, nothing too big," Sirius said. "Lily barged into our room in just a bath robe, stripped for James, and they romped around all night long."
Peter widened his eyes. "So that's why she looks like a mess today? Really?"
"No," Remus snapped testily. He folded the Daily Prophet and cut up his egg.
Sunny side up really did not fit Remus's mood that morning.
"What really happened," he said, "was Lily stomped into our room, woke me up from my dream, and accused James of stealing her lucky bra, which he denied, and now she's worried because we've got an Arithmancy exam today."
Sirius shrugged. "Details, details. It was the same thing, really."
"Hardly," Remus said.
"By the way, Remus, I don't have your panties," Sirius snickered.
Remus turned red, threw down his fork, and mumbled something about getting to class early to ask McGonagall a question.
"Panties?" Peter inquired.
"Don't ask."
James wasn't really listening to any of this. His plan to get Lily to smile was so far failing miserably. Not that he'd actually done anything, but she was looking even more bitter and pessimistic than usual, and he wasn't even that close to her.
That bra must have meant a lot to her.
"I'm going to go talk to Lily," James said, standing up.
"Are you mad?" Sirius cried. He grabbed James's vest, trying to pull him down.
"Probably," James said insouciantly.
"Oh, don't give me all that nonchalant bull," Sirius snapped. "You know she'll castrate you if you go over there, right? Especially if it's that time of the month."
"That's lovely," James said, already managing to walk in Lily's direction, causing Sirius to be dragged into the people he was sitting next to, who all gave him withering glares.
"Mate, I'm begging you–"
"Sirius Black!"
Sirius relinquished his grip on James. Philippa Ryan towered over him, hands on her hips, her lower lip stuck out in an angry pout.
"Ph– ph..." Sirius stammered, trying to remember her name.
"Oh, you are such an arse!" Philippa cried. Then, she slapped him angrily across the face and stomped back to the Hufflepuff table.
James snickered. "I think you're the one that needs to be worried about being castrated."
Sirius nodded meekly, rubbing his cheek. Grinning, James turned his attention back to Lily, only to find that she'd up and left. He strolled over to her seat, where her best friend, Alice, was chatting quickly with Frank Longbottom. She sent him a glare from across the table.
"Sorry, Frank, but I have to go," she said, before getting up and leaving the Great Hall, sending a glare in James's direction. James rolled his eyes. He hated how girls always teamed up and pitted themselves against him. Really, it was just getting old.
Frank chuckled. "So, what'd you manage to do this time, Potter?"
"Lily thinks I stole her lucky bra," James said. "But I didn't do it. Really."
Frank nodded. "Yeah, I believe you. There's really no point in having just the bra," he said with a wink, before getting up and following Alice out the door.
James blinked. Who knew Frank Longbottom was such a horn dog?
Across the table, two fourth year girls giggled, whispering to each other and sending him fervent, hopeful glances.
James rolled his eyes. "Don't even try," he snapped, before heading off to Transfiguration a little bit earlier than usual. Then, he decided that since he had another fifteen minutes, he would go and add to his guide.
Chapter Eight: Time Of Month
Every girl gets one. Really, if they think it's unpleasant for them, imagine how unpleasant it is for us. We're the ones who get accused of being assholes, who get kneed in our nuts because we're not "sensitive enough," and who basically suffer insult after insult, castration after castration (even though we technically can't be castrated more than once)... in other words, it sucks. Big time.
Lily Evans has to be the worst when it comes to periods. After all, she's already easily angered, but when it's that time of month, blimey, she's horrible. She's downright evil.
Below are a list of incidents during which I am either sure she had her period, or can only assume.
1.. Third year, Quidditch game against Slytherin. I'm flying in all my beautiful glory (no, my ego is not huge, it's just I've been told about my beautiful glory), and am just about to bear down upon the snitch. Looks like it'll be an even larger win for us!
But oh no, Lily screams very, very, very loudly, and I crash into the beam with the Gryffindor logo on it. The stupid git-of-a-seeker for Slytherin advances on the snitch. As I'm about to chase after it, I hear Lily scream, "No, Alice, it wasn't a spider, it was my... you know." They promptly left, and we lost the game.
Therefore, I blame Lily for the only game we've ever lost against Slytherin. It's her bloody period's fault, those goddamn ovaries or whatever.
9. Fifth year. Accidentally walked into girls bathroom. Needless to say, tampons are yucky.
10. Fifth year. After accidentally walking in on Lily replacing her lady items, she assaulted me with a nasty hex, causing my pants to fall down below my ankles, exposing my heart boxers to the world.
13. Summer before sixth year. Ran into Lily at the beach. Asked her why she wouldn't go into the water, aside from the fact that I would see her wet and shiny (she hit me with her towel). She wouldn't tell me why. I asked if she had her little friend over. She shoved me into the ocean and muttered something about forgetting to buy tampons. Sirius almost puked at the mention of tampons.
32. Seventh year. Lily accosted me for stealing her lucky bra, which I did not have. Needless to say, I'll eventually get hell for it.
A/n: Nothing much to say, except, awww, James is such a cute little stalker 8D And thank-you to my lovely, wonderful beta brick-red-wall, who deserves lots of love. R&R, and don't be afraid to criticize! --callernumber16onz10