FROM A DISTANCE
Summary: Max explains why she prefers the fantasy.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I do not own Batman Beyond or the BB characters, obviously. No money is being made off of this story.
A/N: This story is for my friend, Leah, who asked me why someone would want to just watch and not act on their feelings.
It's lunch time and you're sitting with our friends: Blade, Dana, and John. You have your lunches but noone's eating. No doubt, everyone's waiting for me to arrive. It's polite and I feel bad for making everyone wait to eat, but I have to do this. I have to watch you. This is my only real opportunity to do so. It's hard to watch someone when you are physically (and in my case emotionally) close to them. There's the risk of being discovered, exposed; and that's not what I want. I want to watch from a distance- where the view's better.
You turn and laugh at something Blade said and I feel a bit sad. I don't care what the joke was, but I wish that I could hear you laughing. It's a sound I don't hear nearly enough of. But just watching you laugh is rewarding too. When you laugh your eyes sparkle and because of them blue is now my favorite color. Actually, I now love a lot of things because of you. I've learned to love the smell and feel of suede because of the suede jacket you wear practically every day. I love babysitting your bratty little brother, Matt, because watching him gives me another way to be close to you. I now love unexpected knocks on my front door or unexpected telephone rings because I love the rush of excitement I feel when I think that it might be you. Of course, when it isn't you I feel a rush of disappointment, but that's the life of a Terry-junkie. All the highs come with their expected lows. I've also come to love danger, secrets, and the idea of being a sidekick.
Heaven help me, I know that I sound like a crazed stalker and believe me, this isn't how I normally act, but with you all my rules change. 99% of the time Maxine Gibson is the cool, sardonic, over achieving, hacking wizard of Hamilton High; but you, that 1%, is where I lose my cool. And now you look up and see me standing at the door with my lunch tray, watching you. You give me a heart stopping grin and enthusiastically wave me over. I have to take deep breath and force the butterflies in my stomach back into hibernation. I thank God everyday for my dark skin. Cause without it I would never have been able to keep my secret this long. I would have had to tell people that I had some freakish skin condition that caused constant redness.
I walk over and sit down next to you. I never know whether to feel grateful or cursed that you save me a seat next to you everyday. Sure, I want to be next to you, but when I am I can hardly think straight. Only years of practice allow me to function normally and carry on conversations. And even though you and I spend many more hours together than you and Dana ever did, people never gossip about us or assume that there is something going on between us. My level of self-control could rival Yoda's. Unlike a girl with an obvious crush, I don't look down or away when you look at me; I don't tense up, shiver, or flinch when you touch me; I don't get mad, upset, or cry if you don't call or are late for an activity we are doing together. No, I am the perfect best friend. I tease, rough house, listen, bandage wounds, do long hours of research, and make myself available-all for you. I do it all for you, Terry.
After lunch, in math class, I sit next to you and watch your frustrated face with amusement. When you hear me snicker you turn around and give me a pleading look. Yes, of course I will help you. You will be over at my house until late tonight trying to understand calculus but most of the time will be wasted on lame conversation and horsing around. I love those kinds of nights. We have so much fun.
If people knew about my feelings for you they would ask me why the hell haven't I acted upon them. Well, the truth is, I love our relationship. I love being your best friend and confidant. And, yes, being your girlfriend would be totally shway but to get to that point I would first have to tell you how I felt and then you would have to return my feelings. I don't have enough courage to tell you how I feel and I don't have enough self-confidence to believe that you love me the way that I love you. If you found out how I felt about you and didn't feel the same way our relationship would never be the same. You would feel guilty for not loving me and inevitably causing me pain and I would never get over the humiliation and shame. It all comes down to acceptable risk and I am simply not willing to risk our friendship.
And you know, the loving from a distance isn't so bad. It sounds tragic but I'm not about to do an Ophelia and drown myself because my Hamlet doesn't love me. If I don't have you in real life I can fantasize and dream about us together and it will probably be better than the real thing cause I can have the best part of the relationship with none of the pain. I watch you try to have relationships, first with Dana and then Melanie. They can't work because of your lifestyle. You're Batman and Batman, essentially, walks alone. We work, precisely, because we are not romantically involved. So, even though I tell myself with absolute conviction that noone can love you like I can, I am unwilling to test my hypothesis. I may risk my body for you time and again but I won't risk my heart. That I keep safe.
So, class is ending and you are bidding me farewell until I see you tonight. I wave and say something flippant as we walk in opposite directions: you, right, to English and me, left, to Physics. It may hurt sometimes to be just your friend but I have no regrets. Someone once said that we choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them. I choose to be your friend, your confidant, your secret admirer. Batman makes painful choices and sacrifices to be Batman and those around him make painful choices and sacrifices to be close to him. So, I may be a coward and pathetic because of my unwillingness to act upon my feelings for you, but that is my choice, my sacrifice. I make it willingly and accept the consequences.