I stared down at his cold body.
I couldn't believe it.
He was gone… forever, and it was all my fault.
I had loved him, I really did but yet I deceived him.
I slowly padded up to his still body. Fully aware of all the cats surrounding me, I nuzzled my muzzle deep into his fur. I heard someone softly call my name but I paid no attention. I couldn't go to the Gathering. Not now. I felt a small brush against my pelt. I looked up. It was Birchfall and my heart just simply broke. How could I possibly tell him how I really felt? He was only a brother to me but yet I had flirted with him and molded his feelings just as Squirrelflight had done to Ashfur… was I becoming just like her? I couldn't.
I felt another nudge and I reluctantly lifted my head. I swept my eyes across the many cats. I saw Birchfall's eyes filled with anxiety, Squirrelflight's cold impassive eyes and I saw… his. No one had bothered to shut them. He was alone while he lived and he was alive when he died. Tears rushed into my eyes and I quickly looked away. I heard Firestar speak but could make no sense of the words. I saw cats turn for the log that lead to the island. I wanted to follow but my paws felt frozen to the ground. I felt eyes burn into me as they went but I refused to turn. I couldn't let them see the tears that were burning down my cheek, especially Birchfall. If he had seen… he would have been heartbroken and I couldn't let that happen.
Birchfall was the very last cat to leave and I knew he was reluctant to leave. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell him how I felt. He wouldn't have understood. I need to talk to Ashfur, alone. I needed to tell him how sorry I was… for… everything. Looking over my shoulder, I quickly dug my nose into Ashfur's fur and began pushing him as hard as I could. Ashfur sure ate well before he died. After much struggling I finally managed to Ashfur deep into the forest. I knew I shouldn't have but what else could I do. I didn't want those filty mangy cats to touch them. Ashfur shouldn't to be buried by cats that could care less for him… sorry… I'm not thinking straight. My face is tear-stricken and my eyes are bloodshot read. I can't stop crying no matter how hard I try.
Glancing at Ashfur, I began pawing at the ground. Slowly but steadily I began to build a grave. After what felt like hours of digging, I stopped and collapsed to the ground heavily breathing. My eyes wandered to Ashfur, yet again, and I found myself crawling towards him. Now that he was dead, I couldn't bear to leave him. Why couldn't I feel like this when he was alive? Perhaps I could've avoided this. My tears began pouring again, like a faucet never switched off. I closed my eyes and pleaded for the cold to leave. I begged the earth and the heavens to bring Ashfur back. I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice and feel his warm pelt brush against mine. How could I have been such a fool? How can I go on living in the clan where he had grown up but yet was not wanted? How could I… how could I…?