So with the permission from the amazing writer XIIVA I have borrowed their idea for this fic. I highly recommend reading it. It is amazing as is all of XIIVA's work. I had nearly cried reading MERAKI. If you have not read their work stop reading this and go do it. I can wait. This is my first ever fanfiction so please be gentle. I would love to hear from you even if it is criticism. I do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine. If you spot any may you, please point them out so I can fix them? Reviews are amazing. Also if I miss a trigger warning please point it out and I will fix it. As I am unsure what is or isn't considered a trigger warning please bear with me.

Edit: 12/22/16 This has gone through a beta finally.

WARNING: This is Yaoi, slash, male on male. If you do not like that sort of stuff or it is illegal in the country, you live in then please go back now. It is rated M for a reason. Do not bash me for something you have been warned about.

Disclaimer: Does owning the movies on DVDs count? What about the original TV series in box sets? No? Then it looks like I don't own Star Trek.

Tigger Warning: Anguish all around. Mild profanity. Reference to drinking.

Spoilers for the Star Trek 2009

Chapter One: Silence

How could he have done this? How stupid could he have been? Why? Every question burned in Jim's mind. He could not answer any of them. Maybe he did not want to. He couldn't think anymore. He didn't want to think anymore. He would have to go home. Spock would be waiting there.

"What am I going to tell him?" Jim whispered as he stared at the handles of his bike. "Should I tell him? …No…" He laid his head on the bars and tried to calm down. "I can't tell him."

Griping the handles tighter Jim felt his hands shake from the effort. He hadn't felt so lost in years. Not since he was a kid. Not since Sam left. He wasn't that kid any more. He was a grown man and had to live up to his mistakes. There was no other way but this would kill Spock, his ashayam. He just couldn't tell him. With his mind made up he put the keys in the ignition and drove. If he was going faster than the speed limit Spock wasn't here to tell him to slow down.

The drive was long normally but it went by in a flash as Jim sped down every short cut he knew. He slowed when he was a few blocks away from their house. He even went under the speed limit. Nearly at a crawl he pulled into his driveway. Spock's car and his own sitting there. Jim pressed the button on his keys for the garage to open. It felt like an eternity as he waited before finally driving his bike in and turning off the motor.

His stomach rolled as he just sat there. It was too late to turn back and too hard to go forward. Why couldn't he have just stayed home? Because he couldn't handle the silence anymore that is why. Damn he was such an idiot. "Well, he knows you're here. Put your big boy pants on and face him like a man."

Jim's stomach dropped and if he still had anything left in his stomach he would have lost it. His hands shook as he slid his helmet off. He didn't want to do this. This was worst then when he went into the engine room while it was leaking radiation everywhere. This was worst then when he had to watch Spock through a glass while he felt like he was burning alive. He had to do this. He would lose his ashayam. There wasn't any other choice. He could try to cover it up. He was blocking as much as he could right now and so was Spock. His Vulcan had been shielding his thoughts for two months now.

Taking several deep breaths Jim got off the bike and pocketed his keys. He locked his helmet in its place on the back of his bike before making his way to the button on the wall. Pressing it made the garage door start to slide down in place. The former captain made his way to the shutting doors and darted under them. He could have gone into the house through the garage but that would be hiding. Jim wasn't a coward. Anyone could contest to that.

The now Commodore Kirk faltered in his steps. Perhaps he was a coward? After tonight that was true. He was a bloody coward. Looking down at the paved walkway he felt his stomach turn again. He laid his hand over his stomach trying to calm it down. Perhaps Spock would be asleep?

Jim huffed and kept walking. "Not a chance." His theory was supported by the fact that there was a light on in the house. Spock would never leave a light on if he were to go to bed. Feeling the wave of sickness hit him harder he pressed forward. There was no running from this.

The door automatically opened as he stepped onto the porch. He just wanted to go in there, shower and sleep for the next week. In that order. He took a step into the house and his eyes instantly fell on Spock. His heart squeezed in his chest as he watched the male stand, most likely to ask why he was gone so late. That was if they had been talking. They haven't spoken more than three word to each other in two months. His heart plummeted as he saw Spock's eyes change from concern to closed off in a second.

He didn't have to say anything. Jim could let Spock figure things out himself. He knew he looked like hell. He smelled even worst. The stench of alcohol clung to him like perfume. He was sober now but his eyes were blood shot. He knew the cologne of another clung to him even more. Jim met his lover's eyes. He owed him that. He owed him a lot more than that.

"…Why?" Spock's voice was cold and distant. Jim knew that it meant his lover was suppressing his emotions. It clearly wasn't working because his hands clench into fists. Those beautiful hands would be hurting in the morning.

Jim gave a weak smile. He didn't speak for a moment. There wasn't any sort of answer he could give that would satisfy his ashayam. "Because…I couldn't stand the silence anymore Spock." He longed to call his lover ashayam but he lost that right the moment he stepped into that bar and had that first drink.

Spock turned on his heels and went not to their shared room but to the guest room. Jim felt the fragments of his heart turning into dust. Each breath felt like agony as he forced the air past a throat that felt too tight. His vision blurred as fresh tears welled up in his eyes. He refused to let the pained sound escape from his chest.

As Jim walked to the master bathroom he heard the sound of something breaking in the other guest room. The wave of pain and rage coming thought the bond was instant and had him on his knees before it went silent. The bond being as silent as it had ever been. It felt like it wasn't even there anymore. He tried to reach for it knowing more than half the time he couldn't and that was before all of this. He got to his feet and stumbled the rest of the way to the bathroom. Not another sound came from the guest room as he stripped his clothes. Jim would burn them later. Right now he needed them off and as far away from him as they could be.

Jim turned the water as hot as it would go which was enough to hurt since he lived with a Vulcan. It turned his skin an angry red within seconds. He scrubbed until darker red spots dotted his skin. Even then that smell wouldn't go away. It never would. With the burning water running down his skin there was no proof he did anything but wash away the night. If the water that stung his cheeks was cooler than the water that ran from the shower head, he wasn't going to admit it.

Author's note 2: ashayam- Vulcan for beloved. Go ahead and flame. I know you want to. Just remember the narration is through a limited view. That view happens to be Kirk right now and he is not in a good place right now. Views are always bias. Nothing in life comes free. You are not garneted happiness. You have to fight for it with everything you have.