Boyd's Bunny
One day by the side of the road, there was a large gray rabbit. He had a little white mark right under his nose. He was looking for a place to rest. He hopped across the way, finding himself near a stable. Three horses made a commotion.
"Alright, alright! I'll check on them." Boyd shouted inside, walking out the door. He headed to the stable. The rabbit froze. "Okay?" Boyd said, looking at the rabbit. "Hey! When'd you get here?" The rabbit sniffed. "Where'd you come from? I bet you're hungry, aren't you? Hey…" He took a carrot from one of the stables and gave it to the rabbit. The rabbit hopped into Boyd's arms. "Well, I guess I can keep you. You will be my rabbit and I will call you Roscoe."
"Boyd, what was the commotion about?" Oscar asked without turning around.
"Nothing," Boyd said. "It was just a rat. But I took care of it." Boyd started running toward the storage closet.
"Hey," Shinon said.
"Eeek!" Boyd screamed.
"Happy to see you too, Boyd," Shinon said sarcastically. "Well, what have we got here? Is this our dinner? Need me to kill it for you?"
"No!" Boyd said, "I mean… I'll do it myself. In the closet."
"Why there?" Shinon asked. "There's paper and crap in there. Do you want it to get all bloody?"
"Yes," Boyd said, "You see, Soren and I have been having a heated war over who Ike's best friend is and I'm trying to make life harder for him."
"Fair enough," Shinon said. "Be my guest." He allowed Boyd passage into the closet.
Boyd put Roscoe in the closet. "It's okay, Roscoe. Shinon's an asshole but that doesn't mean I am. I'll treat you nicely."
"Who are you talking to?" Soren asked, opening the door. "And what are you doing in here?" Boyd instinctively blocked the room with his body.
"Uhh… I'm practicing my proposal," Boyd said. "Yeah, that's it!"
"Um, firstly, it needs work, secondly, who's Roscoe?" Soren asked.
"Well, y'see," Boyd said, "I feel better about my proposals if I pretend I'm practicing them with another guy."
"Why can't you practice with Ike?" Soren asked. "He is your best friend right?"
"Oh, so you concede that he's my best friend?" Boyd asked loud enough for Shinon to hear.
"Yes?" Soren asked. "He can be both. Anyway, Boyd, I need to get in here, so could you please let me through?"
"No!" Boyd said. "Just give me a minute." Shinon snickered. Boyd closed the closet door and hid Roscoe under a pile of papers.
"Soren, you can get in now," Boyd said, running off.
Soren went inside the closet. He looked for the papers that he wanted. "What the hell?" he asked, when he noticed that some of the papers were moving. Fearing the worst (whatever that may have been) he shouted, "Iasaduk Uufiat Iikoo!" A sudden gust blew all the papers around. Roscoe did not want to be hit by it.
He hopped out of the closet. "I hope it wasn't my imagination," Soren said. "This is going to take ten hours to fix." He shouted the second sentence loud enough for Shinon to hear.
Shinon laughed. "Good job killing that rabbit, Boyd," he said.
"What!" Boyd shouted. "I mean…th-thanks. But I have to go now." Boyd rushed into the closet and started digging through the papers.
"Boyd, if you want to help me fix the papers, this is not how you do it," Soren complained.
"Where's Roscoe?" Boyd demanded, grabbing Soren violently.
"I imagine he's still in your head where he started, Boyd," Soren stated. "Now please put me down before I send Ike after you."
"Roscoe! Roscoe!" Boyd shouted, dropping Soren carelessly.
"Ow!" Soren shouted indignantly. "Meathead…"
Boyd frantically searched. "Do you need something, Boyd?" Rhys asked.
"Um, yes," Boyd said, "Can you help me look for a little gray rabbit?"
"Gray rabbit?" Rhys asked. "What for?"
"I befriended this little gray rabbit, but I can't find him anywhere. And if Shinon catches him he'll kill him!" Boyd shouted.
"Please, don't shout, Boyd," Rhys said, rubbing his temples. "I'll help you find the rabbit."
"Thanks, Rhys!" Boyd said, "You're the best."
"Titania!" Oscar shouted, "Did you give Crème the last carrot?"
"No," Titania said, "I thought you were saving it for Coconut."
"I was!" Oscar shouted, "But I can't find it anywhere…"
"Maybe she ate it on her own," Titania said, "I mean, she is a pretty clever mare."
"Uh-oh," Boyd said. "Don't snitch on me!"
"But Boyd, I…" Rhys said. He prayed, "Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me."
"Hey, Rhys?" Oscar asked, "Do you know where the last carrot went?"
"I uh… umm… yes. I mean, no! No, I don't!" Rhys said. He blushed visibly.
"You don't have to be embarrassed, Rhys," Oscar said, "I didn't exactly expect you to know."
"That's right. I have no idea," he said. "Please forgive me," he whispered upwards.
"Hey!" Ike said, "Look! A little bunny!" He picked up a large gray rabbit that he found on the ground.
"Roscoe!" Boyd shouted, grabbing the bunny. "Ike, if anyone asks I didn't do anything."
"Okay, Boyd," Ike said. Boyd put the rabbit into the storage closet. "Huh…"
"What's wrong, Ike?" Soren asked.
"It's Boyd, he's acting a little strange…" Ike said.
"I'll say," Soren responded.
"I mean, he just called a female rabbit Roscoe. Who names their girls Roscoe? I mean, I wouldn't put it past myself to do something like that but Boyd?" Ike asked.
"Oh, I'm sure that 'Roscoe' is not actually the female rabbit," Soren said. "I'm pretty sure he's just a figment of Boyd's imagination."
"Huh…" Ike said. He scratched his chin. "No, that doesn't seem right."
And for the next month or two, Soren occasionally saw a glimpse of a moving paper, but assumed it was his imagination; it was much safer than trying to fight off something and ruin everything again. There were still some noticeable patterns. No matter how many carrots Oscar bought for the horses, they would always inevitably disappear, and Boyd would go in and out of the storage closet each day when he thought no one was looking. After going several weeks without seeing the rabbit, Shinon began to get suspicious, but not enough to say anything.
But one morning, Soren went into the storage closet to pick up the expenses sheet, and noticed that there were several rabbits in the closet. "Uh, Ike…" Soren said, "There's a huge problem."
"What?" Ike asked. He looked into the storage closet and found the rabbits. "Um… okay?"
"Shoo, shoo, shoo!" Soren shouted.
The rabbits all hopped away. "Gross!" Ike said, "They pooped all over the place."
"Should I ask Shinon to clean it up?" Soren asked.
"Why bother?" Ike said, "He'll just refuse and Rhys or Oscar will volunteer to do it anyway."
"It's worth a shot," Soren shrugged. "Shinon, would you be willing to clean up the rabbit droppings in the storage closet?"
"Rabbit droppings?" Shinon asked. He looked very vindictive. "I think you want Boyd."
"Very well, if you say so," Soren said. He went and found Boyd. "Boyd!" he shouted.
"What?" Boyd asked.
"Rabbit droppings all over the storage closet. Clean them up. Now," Soren demanded.
"Alright, alright," he whined. He grabbed a shovel. When he saw the storage closet he turned white. "I had no idea Roscoe could poop so much," Boyd said.
"He couldn't on his own," Soren said. "That rabbit you took from Ike last night was a female. And when a male and female rabbit get together…"
"They have a party?" Boyd asked.
"They have a million kids!" Ike said. "You unwittingly gave us a shipload of rabbits."
"Oh, damn…" Boyd said.
"Aaaaah! No, Topaz's snacks!" Mist shouted.
"What happened to them?" Oscar asked.
"I wish Topaz ate them. Or even Coconut or Crème would be fine, but no… there are rabbits. In the stables."
"Rabbits?" Oscar asked. "Oh no…"
"No!" Boyd said. "Don't kill the rabbits!"
"Well what do you suppose we do, Boyd? They're eating our horses' food!" Oscar said.
"I don't know! You're the smart one! Think of something!" Boyd shouted.
"Why don't we just eat the rabbits?" Shinon asked. "After all, that's what we were supposed to do with the first one, Boyd!"
"You're an asshole, Shinon!" Boyd said.
"That doesn't mean I'm wrong, right Soren?" Shinon asked.
"No, it doesn't," Soren said, "But in this case, you are wrong anyway! How are we supposed to eat that many rabbits before they go bad?"
"I don't know!" Shinon shouted, "Mia could invite Ilyana over or something!"
"But I think she's in Daein right now," Mia said. "And this argument isn't even about me!"
"We could salt them," Shinon said.
"In peacetime, I'd rather eat fresh," Ike complained.
"Shut up, Ike, your opinion doesn't matter," Shinon said.
"I'm your boss!" Ike shouted.
"I'm your boss!" Shinon parroted.
"Why are we even considering eating the rabbits?" Boyd asked. "Bunnies should be free!"
"Well you should have thought of that before letting them breed in the storage closet. Thanks, by the way," Soren said. "You made my job so much easier."
"I'll give you a raise then," Ike said.
"I don't need you to sacrifice for what Boyd did wrong," Soren said.
"I won't, Soren," Ike said. He turned to Boyd. "Boyd, your rabbits destroyed valuable documents and ate the horses' food. I will take portions of your pay until then."
"Aw, come on, Ike," Boyd said, hugging him at the shoulder, "We're best friends right?"
"My best friend is Ranulf," Ike said.
"What?" Soren asked.
"Consider it a promotion," Ike said, winking at him. "And a demotion for you, Boyd."
"Aw, shucks," Boyd said.
Throughout the following week, the Greil Mercenaries held out a box of rabbits for people to take. Everyone assumed it was simply a business bonus; a choice that they had made because they could. The last rabbit left was Roscoe.
"Aw," Boyd said, "Can I keep him PLEEEEEASE?"
"Oh, alright," Oscar said. "But you have to feed him food you pay for. Not food that's intended for the horses."
"Okay, fine," Boyd responded.
"And for my sake, please keep them out of the storage closet," Soren said.
And so Boyd took care of the rabbit for another month, before it ran away. Boyd was sad, but realized that it was probably for the best. After all, Boyd thought, the rabbit was better free than in Shinon's stomach. Of course, Shinon did not agree with that statement.