Salacia Von Humpeding was fairly certain The Duke of Ankh, also known as Commander Vimes, had a hand in the fact that she was invited to the opening of the Borogravian embassy in Ankh-Morpork. After all, Mister Vimes had played a major role in ending the war. The one before the last one. The last one had been ended by someone known as 'Sweet Polly Oliver' who had sent a long and detailed clacks message to the Ankh-Morpork Times, revealing that certain high-ranking officers in both armies were actually female. Everyone 'knew' that 'Sweet Polly Oliver' was actually Polly Perks, who had signed up in the army as a boy and kicked the Prince Of Zlobenia in what she insisted calling 'the socks'. But no one could prove anything, and no one knew where Sergeant Perks could be found.
Sally socialized with nobility from a dozen small nations, most of whom preferred the company of a vampire to each other. She drank herbal tea and smiled politely when people complimented her dress, which was indeed deserving of compliments. But all the while she wondered what Mr Vimes had wanted her to accomplish here. No one was revealing any state secrets, after all, not revealing secrets was what diplomacy was all about.
Then she was accosted by a chubby young man, who seemed too drunk to stand straight.
"Hello, my lovely lass, fancy a dance?" He slurred, while leaning on her shoulder.
"Please take your hands off me." Sally asked, in a tone of command.
He took his hand off her shoulder and placed it on her arm instead.
"Come with me, and I shall show you how Borogravians do it."
"I already know how Borogravians do it – while making war. Go away and do not bother me again." Sally pushed him away with inhuman strength. The man fell on the floor.
All over the room, swords were drawn.
"A Morporkian has attacked a Borogravian!"
"A Vampire is attacking a human!"
"An Abominable woman is going to murder a man!"
The cries just became worse and worse, and the blades advanced. An Igor Sally didn't recognize held a stake and hammer. She panicked and looked in vain for escape, a weapon, anything to keep her from becoming a blood-sucking monster.
If it had been a story, a dashing prince would have now appeared to rescue a damsel in distress. He would have swung down from the chandelier on a rope, or ridden right into the ballroom on a white stallion. Unless it was a story for big girls, in which case the stallion would be black.
Indeed, a figure did step in the way of the advancing mob. But it was no prince, although dashing might have applied. It wore the uniform of a corporal in the Borogravian army, and it got through the mob by politely demanding to be allowed past. It was hard to say no to a smile like that. Besides, if the other vampire wanted inside the circle, that was preferable to having it outside roaming free. In addition to what Sergeant Jackrum would have called the cutlery, the crowd now wielded all kinds of impromptu stakes made of walking sticks and furniture.
Maladicta stepped beside Sally, who stared at her in mild amazement.
"We meet again, Lady Salacia." She bowed to her, taking off her shako.
"Maladict? You're wearing a skirt."
"All shall be revealed later – if that is your pleasure." She grinned, then turned her attention to the crowd. "I am Maladicta Von Zloben Griminirzi Yunal Selenio Van Zweisten Donnerwetter et cetera et cetera Von -JosephBernhardtWillhelmsberg Von Ûberwald. I am descended from five royal lines, and lawyers could no doubt prove me to have a legitimate claim on the thrones of Lancre, Zlobenia, Borogravia, Genua and one third of Ûberwald. I have, however, no wish at present to make any of these claims official, for I find the life as a lowly corporal in the Borogravian army quite satisfactory. Should this life begin to contain sharp pieces of wood, though, I might reconsider my options."
The sharp pieces of wood were lowered. A few people knelt, but were pulled up by those standing beside them.
"I could have just shown them my badge, you know… Maladicta?" Salacia muttered. She was remembering a ball she had sneaked into when she was fifteen, held at the Merchant's Hall, which her mother considered too lowly for the likes of her, and the handsome young male vampire, the only other of her kind to grace the party with his presence. He had introduced himself as Maladict, and danced every single dance with her. She'd been smitten, and hoped for a kiss on the lips when he walked her home, but instead he kissed her hand and promised they would meet again. She had indeed imagined, sometimes in her secret daydreams, him defending her honor against an angry mob, but she had not expected him to turn up in a skirt and a corporal's uniform. So far the only corporal she knew who wore skirts was called Nobby Nobbs, and that thought didn't fit anywhere in the daydream.
"Badge?" The prince who was the princess, who was nobody, and owned everybody, asked, her handsome face marred by a frown.
Sally took out her badge from her purse and showed it to Maladicta, and then everyone else in the room. The sharp pieces of wood and the swords were hastily put away. The Borogravian ambassador stepped forward.
"I do apologize, officer. I had no idea you served in the City Watch. We have no quarrel with Commander Vimes, or anything he represents, or anyone who represents him. I deeply regret that you had to meet my son Hans," He gestured at the chubby man, who had passed out on the floor and snored loudly, "when he was in such a shameful state. This will not happen again."
Sally smiled.
"I should hope not. Salacia Von Humpeding, and it's Constable, actually." They shook hands.
Maladicta was feeling embarrassed, which, as the ruling figures of all the five realms she had a claim to could have told her, was a fairly common state for royalty to be. No one seemed to be paying her any attention anymore.
"Salacia?" She asked timidly.
Salacia was busy talking with all the people Maladicta had sought to impress with her announcement. Tonight was the time she had chosen, and the disturbance had added some useful drama, but she had not expected Salacia to be in the Watch of Vimes the Butcher, nor to steal the whole show.
She walked outside to the terrace, leaned against the wall, and lit a cigarette.
"Got a light, mate?" Asked a voice from waist height. She looked down.
"Who are you?"
"Now, I don't go around asking you why you wears a skirt while wearing uniform, do I now?" the small creature answered. Maladicta looked closer, but even with her night vision she could not determine his species. He was covered in all kinds of foul smells that made it impossible to determine it by the usual means of vampire senses. He was also wearing harem pants, a veil, and a top covered in fake coins.
"I think you just did, my good man, and anyways, I happen to be female."
"I'm female inside too, but Captain Carrot confiscated my dresses." Nobby Nobbs told her sadly.
Maladicta lit Nobby's cigarette for him.
"You serve in the City watch? I hear Captain Carrot is the rightful king."
Nobby smoked a bit before answering.
"He may be, and I am the Earl of Ankh."
Maladicta chuckled.
"No, really, I am the Earl of Ankh, and a bunch of nobs wanted me to be king, but I ran away. I heard you brandishing your ancestry, and I kinda understand why you don't want any of them thrones. Best stay a corporal. Sergeants get paperwork, and constables like Sally get given orders by everybody. Corporals get whatever they can get their hands on. Kings get beheaded, just ask Ol' Stoneface."
Maladicta blew a smoke ring.
"I served in the Ins-and-Outs. Fill your shako with bread, fill your boots with soup, and steal the cheese!" Perversely, talking with this ugly creature made her feel better.
"Yeah, I heard about Borogravia. Bit of a hungry place, not long ago, they said."
"So it was, but then again, I didn't mind until my coffee was stolen." She patted the black ribbon on her sleeve.
Nobby nodded. "So… you fancy our Sally, lad? Why in the world did you think wearing a skirt would impress her? She likes manly men, like Captain Carrot and myself," Said the incorrible Nobby Nobbs, against all evidence.
"It's… a bit more complicated than that." Somehow, Maladicta found herself telling the story of the Merchants' Hall Dance.
She'd practiced the waltz as the male partner, because her sisters demanded to be the female every time, and Lucretia and Lavinia, the lovely twins, always got what they wanted. The family had no sons, and somehow all the feminine traits were passed on to the twins, while Maladicta, the eldest by two years, had been given a face like her father's and hair to match. Her personality was calmer than his, and less evil than anyone in the family for generations. As the heir, she had a lot of responsibility, and a lot of near-death experiences, because vampires never actually wanted their heirs to inherit. Her father saw her as a rival – and the twins he saw as two pretty but simple-minded girls, just like vampire women ought to be in his opinion. They weren't simple of course, they were smart enough not to appear a threat. Maladicta… put on men's clothing when no one was watching, and made up a world inside her mind. She, too, had gone to the dance without permission, dressed in her uncle's clothes. The human maidens crowding her had been a temptation of blood, from which young Salacia's pale face had been a welcome salvation. It had been two years that night since she'd drunk from anyone's veins, and a week later she had officially taken the pledge and defied her parents in wearing the ribbon. She had not gone to Ûberwald after her father disowned her. Ten years later she'd heard her family had been killed by vampire hunters. She'd moved to Borogravia and lived with distant Black Ribboner relatives. They had, of course, insisted her to wear female evening dress all day and grow her hair long – after all, they were Borogravians. Finally, after decades of wearing a dimity scarf on Fridays so the humans would see what a good girl she was, she cut her hair, stole some clothes, and joined the army. And the rest was history. Although she had been but a background character in Wazzer and Ozzer's story.
Nobby nodded sagely. "That's officers for you. Corporals get ignored. And trust me, that is better than any of the alternatives."
Another voice joined in.
"Mal?" Salacia stood silhouetted in the light in the doorway. "I heard every word. I should have known you were not just setting me up for a joke."
"Sally… I could never do that." She walked over, and bowed to her. "I hear the musicians have resumed. May I have the honor of this dance, milady?"
Sally giggled. "Same old Mal. of course you may, and my pleasure."
She let the cavalier in a skirt lead her away to the dance floor.
Nobby Nobbs placed the cigarette behind his ear. Vampires. They never made much sense, and Mister Vimes hated them, but who was he to say it didn't take all sorts to make a Discworld? Besides, corporals had to stick together, 'cos you couldn't trust officers. Officers had honor. Corporals were famous for having none and staying alive, and that, he thought, was what that Maladicta lass was doing. If it involved kissing girls – as she seemed to be doing just now, Nobby noted, looking at the dance floor – then that would just be material for another marching song.
What do you think? I could really use suggestions for improvements. This is part of a longer continuation of stories, most of which is yet unwritten. Details such as why Mal was already a Black Ribboner when Sally was a teenager may seem to contradict the canon, but will in fact be explained in later fics.