Neferti Presents: The FF7 A-Team!!
by- NefertiDagger
Series- Final Fantasy 7
Rating- PG-13
Notes- I know nothing about the A-Team except for Murdock, the Van and Mr. T. Just enjoy this stupid parody, oh yah, Aeris is alive for some odd reason, I think Tifa resurrected her with a Phoenix Down. ^_^ Enjoy!- Neferti D.
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Chapter 1- Making the Team
It was a year after Sephiroth died, and everyone was happy, Aeris was revived like in 99% of FF7 fics out there, and all was good. Except for one thing-They were all bored with their lives. Well, a few of them anyways.
"I'm bored ya' foo's! Is 'dere anything to do around here?" Barret yelled, slamming his fist on the table in the newly rebuilt 7th Heaven in Kalm Town. Tifa shrugged her shoulders, Aeris read a book, Red XIII was sleeping, Shera had come in from Rocket Town on a vacation and Vincent just sat there.
"There are a few good things we could do you know Barret, like take a walk in a flower garden in Gonaga, or party in Mideel!" Aeris suggested. Barret thought otherwise and he gagged.
"Man..... we gotta have action! Without ShinRa, and Avalanche disbanded, there's nothing!" Of course, Shera had a nice little plan, that of which she thought was stupid.
"We could form a team and go fight crime and possible evil-doers and the occasinal ressurected Sephiroth in a helluva fast van." Barret looked at Shera as if she were a genius, that of which she was. He then hugged her and proclaimed-
"Shera! You are a genius!!!!!! We'll do jus' that!!!!! Come on now you peeps!!!!! You'll be my..... A-team! Avalance team anyways!" Barret said. Vincent sighed and said to Barret and Shera-
"That's stupid."
"I don' think it is!!!!! Come on now! Lessgo and get goin'!"
Red XIII woke up and said dully to the hulking man-
"We don't have the helluva fast van."
"Mmmm yo' right dawg... we need ta' ask someone if we can use a van... maybe Cid has an idea..."
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At Rocket Town, Barret and his ... ahem... 'A-Team' ask Cid for a set of wheels.
"WHAT THE @)*&^#_*^$*^!!!!!!!!???? Lemme get this straight- You want me to give ya a set of !^#)*^)*'ing wheels so you can go around and 'fight crime' in a helluva fast van?"
"Yeah."
"That's *@^'in stupid." Cid walked back inside and then came back out and said, holding up a wrench-
"I'll build you a helluva fast van, only if I get payed in return."
Barred grinned and looked at Tifa, Aeris, Red XIII, Shera and Vincent and said-
"You gotta deal."
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Chapter 2- Where to Find Crime and a Ressurected Sephiroth
Well... Barret had his team, a helluva fast van, but the only thing missing was crime to fight. Well, they decided to go visit someone for advice.
"Hmmm... maybe we could find a Ressurected Sephiroth and figh thim, since there is no real major crime in the world eh?" Tifa suggested. That was a good idea, but they had to find him, so they asked his mother.
"So.... Lucrecia can help us find Sephiroth righ' Vincent?" Barret asked, driving the van underwater. Vincent nodded. Aeris was sleeping and Shera was reading a newspaper.
"Yeah, I guess she can."
"Okay foo's!!!!! We're here!"
Barret drove the van up the waterfall and parked it outside the cave to where Lucriecia lived. They all walked inside and Vincent asked her for advice, ailbet a bit...... strangely.
"Oh please Lucrieca... help us find Sephiroth!"
"quit groveling Vincent, I'm not in the mood for that."
"Sorry!!!"
"Oh what are you doing now?"
"I'm covering my eyes!"
"Oh stop that. Sephiroth can be found baking cookies with Jenova at Kalm Town in the house on the second floor, next to Cloud's place, can't miss it, although..." She was cut off by the A-Team running out the door, and then all crushing each other, as Aeris walked out with Red XIII unscathed. Barret moaned-
"Dis' is gonna be harder than I though you foo's."
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At Kalm Town, The A-Team were outside of Sephiroth's place, all ready to kick his butt.
"Okay foo's we're here! Now let's kick his ass!" Barret ordered, and then before they could bust the door down, Sephiroth answered it with a plate of cooikes and he was wearing an apron that said 'Kiss the Cook'.
"Hello there! I am baking cookies with my mother, and my friends Kuja, and Ultemicea... want to join us for some fun?" He asked. Barret, Aeris, Tifa, Shera, Vincent and Red XIII were all confsued now.
"Uhhh.... are you sick or something?" Red XIII asked.
"Of course not! I've learned to accept that I will never find the Promised Land, and that killing Aeris was very wrong. I am terribly sorry for all the pain and suffering I caused to each and every one of you." He said with a happy tone to it. Barret wasn't buying it-
"Dis' be a set up! He's tryin' ta foo' us ya foo's!!!"
Aeris ate a cookie.
"These are great!"
"You foo'!!!!!!!! That may have Mako Poisnoning in it! I pity da foo' who use Mako Energy!!!!!!" Barret protested, but Sephiroth, nodded his head 'no' and said to Aeris-
"I don't use Mako Energy anymore, I now use Mist from the Ifia Tree!" He said, dripping with sap and cheer. Barret groaned and Aeris vomited up the cookies she ate on Red XIII.
"How degrading."
Barret shoved Sephiroth aside and yelled inside to Kuja and Ultemica, who were baking more mist cookies in the kitchen with Jenova (who was also ressurected, but we'll save that for a another fic). He and the others said-
"You better stop what you're doin' cause you foo's are gonna pay!" They all said at once. Vincent then muttered to himself-
"I can't belive I said that."
"Me too." Tifa muttered. Barret then started to pummel the crap outta Kuja who then said in anger-
"Oh you wanna might Mr. T? I shall give you a fight!" Kuja then punched Barret int he nuts, Tifa and Aeris bitch slapped Ultemicia, Shera and Red XIII were busy dragging Jenova around and Barret was punching Kuja.
*WHAM!!!!!!!!!*
*SLAP!!!!!!*
*OH MY!!!!!!*
*FIZZZ!!!!!!!!*
Sephiroth, now a pacifist, yelled to everyone-
"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!! We shouldn't be fighting over nothing! Let us make peace and be friends and all join together in happiness!" He said, oozing with pure hippie passion. Shera had enough of that crap and slugged him in the face.
"I've had enough with your tree hugging hippie crap. Come on, there's nothing here, let's go find someone else to beat up on for doing something bad. He's harmless nowadays." She said, adjusting her glasses. Aeris nodded and Tifa interjected-
"Yeah, I agree. Hey, I got an idea... let's go find the Turks and rag on them!"
"YEAH!" Everyone cheered. The rushed out the door and they all crashed into eachother, knocking down the hinged and making the door crush Barret. They all looked at him and Vincent said-
"Come on leader. Let's go in our.... ahem... helluva fast van."
"I pity.... da foo'..... who knock.... da door down..... on Barret....."
They dragged him back to the van, and continued their little trip for crime fighting and all things stupid.
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Chapter Three- The Potty Emergency
Theywere now in the van, driving on the sea with sea spray covering the windows. Aeris looked out and said to Barret (who was driving):
"What are we gonna do to the Turks when we find them?"
"We beat da' crap outta them!"
"That's logical..." The Ancient said, dripping with sarcasm off of every word. Tifa was cracking her kinuckles, Shera was composing some guitar tabulars, Red XIII was napping and Vincent had to go to the bathroom.
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Hold it in man! We're almost to Junon!"
A few seconds....
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"I said hold it in, unless you wanna go in yo' pants ya sissy!" Barret groaned. Of course.....
"Too late, I already did."
Tifa and Red XIII moved away a little from Vincent, and Barret moaned and said out loud-
"I said hold it in ya foo'!!!!!! And you go in yo' pants!!!!!!!! Whatta idiot!" Vincent of course was joking to pull Barret's leg-
"I was just joking, but I still have to go." Barret groaned once more and pulled the van from the water, over to Mideel's Jungle. Barret swung open the door and said to Vincent-
"Go out there!"
When Vincent went out there, the A-Team waited, and he came back saying-
"I didn't have to go."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!"
They look off and then Vincent said once more-
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!!" Everyone shouted.
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Chapter Four- We Three Turks of Midgar Are...
After a few unsucessful bathroom stops, the A-Team found themsleves in the ex-Corrupted town of Midgar, which was under heavy re-contrustion, ridding the town of the plates and things covering the sky, fixing the trains and making more resources avalable to those who needed them. Of course, evil and vile never sleep in this town, so Barret decided to take the Helluva Fast (c) Van to the city to find the Turks and make sure they weren't up to no good.
"Okay you guys, we're back in Midgar for the first time in over a year. Aeris, we can see Elmyra if ya want, but let's go find them foo's the Turks and show 'em a thing or two!" Barret ordered, driving the van like a mad man throughout the heavly worked on Sector 7.
"Barret, what if they aren't doing anything?" Tifa asked, looking out the window and saw a new apartment complex being built on where the old 7th Heaven stood. she sighed in sadness and fell asleep.
"We jus' stop dem before something happens!"
"Oh what a great leader you are....." Red XIII bemoaned with sarcasm. Barret threw a Travel Book at him and then parked the van outside of the partialy teared down ShinRa HQ. Barret jumped out and yelled to the team-
"Okay you' foo's!!!!!! We now gotta find the Turks, and kick da' crap outta dem!"
"Whatever." Shera said, groaning about Barret's lack of a brain. They stormed the HQ fromt he front and then beat the crap outta any construction worker along the way, thinking they were Ex-ShinRa employess hired by the Turks to rebuild the buling.
"Wait!!! You've got the wrong idea!" One pleaded. Barret socked him.
"I have the da' right idea!"
Shera groaned and walked along to a cabnet door, openin git up, and out came three weird-looking people, wearing outfits that made them look like Kings. Tifa scratched her head, and Aeris was at the ready, Vincent groaned, Red XIII yawned and Barret was ready for a fight.
"You wanna start sumthin?" He asked.
"We Three Turks of Midgar are
tried to sell chocolate cigars...
They were accidentaly loaded
they exploded
all in Rufus's face." Elena, Rude and Reno sang to a familiar tune. Everyone was confused and Tifa put it best-
"What the hell are you guys doing?"
"We're the Three Turks of Midgar seeling chocolate cigars!" Elena piped up. Rude then stated-
"They're only 1 Gil!" Barret wasn't convinced and then socked Rude in the face. He fell and said in a rather annoying voice-
"My bald head! You bruised it! You will pay!" He walked over to the team and sluged them all. He picked up Tifa and threw her out the window back into the van-
"AAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Oh thank goodness for plush seating!"
Elena then threw Aeris against the wall and socked Shera in the face, then pulled Red XIII's tail hard. They were angry that they disturbed their cigar selling, and then Reno lifted Vincent up on his head and was carrying him to the window.
"No body move or the experimented freak gets it!" Rude threatened. No one moved, and Vincent suddenly had to go to the bathroom again, but at the wrong place, wrong time. He groaned and squeaked-
"I really, really have to go to the bathroom........"
"Wha?" Rude quipped. Barret was now disgusted as to what was going on now. Aeris grimaced, Red XIII made a disgusted noise and Shera buried her face. Rude was wondering what was going on and Vincent let out a sigh.
"Ahh........ That feels better."
"What the heck? What's on my...... oh god.... you didn't, did you?" Reno asked, frozen in place. Vincent nodded his head and the other two Turks jumped out the window and Reno set Vincent on the ground, screaming-
"OH GOD!!!!! WHERE'S A SHOWER WHEN YOU NEED ONE?"
Everyone all cheered and headed back to the van and Tifa asked Vincent-
"What happned? Why was Reno screaming for a shower?" She asked. Vincent shrugged his shoulders and said plainly-
"Let's just say that nature came calling."
"Oh god....."
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Chapter 5- End of the Day!
"Well you guys, da day has ended and we gotta head back." Barret sighed, and everyone cheered. Sure they loved this, but it was kinda..... werid. Anyways, Barret made a wrong turn and drove onto a grassy field driving over several yelloe and white flowers.
"HEY!!!!!!!! YOU GET BACK HERE!" Squall shouted, waving his Gunblade, and Rinoa was crying really hard.
"Squall... our flower field that we made our promise in... ruined...."
"Those bastards!"
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And so... with a day behind them, and a new one ahead of them, the A-Team drove off into the sunset, singing 'Come Sail Away' by Styx, and lighting lighters. But...
What if certain theories of terrain... proved disastrously false?
For you see... The A-Team had driven the van... right off of a cliff into somewhere unknown.
"I pity da foo' who..."
"WE KNOW!!!!!!!!"
"Well sorry!"
-The End........?-
Notes- Sorry if that was a little too weird. I thought I'd poke fun at several things-
1. The 'Avalance Getting Back Together to fight a new bad guy' thing
2. Aeris getting ressurected, same with Sephiroth
3. Barret's 'Mr T.' speech pattern
And that's about it. Hoped you liked it though, regradless of how stupid it was.- Neferti D.