"The Princess Bride"
by Medea
April 1, 2000
Disclaimer: I own all of the Days of Our Lives characters. I also own the fabulous movie and book, The Princess Bride. Okay, I know I'm lying, you know I'm lying, and so does Ken Corday. So there. No harm intended, I'm just playing.
Note: This is just the product of one evening spent high on cold medicine, so don't be mad if you aren't amused. If you do not know the story of The Princess Bride, the plot is basically this: Will is sick and Kate tells him a story. Days characters appear in the story, too, but I played fast and loose with continuity because I shaped Days to fit The Princess Bride more than I shaped The Princess Bride to fit Days. I don't know how well this works if you've never seen the movie. We'll find out.
[Will has been sent home from school early because he is sick. He is lying in bed, playing a video game, when Sami enters his room.]
Sami: Hey, Little Man.
Will: Hi, Mommy.
Sami: You feeling any better?
Will: A little bit.
Sami: Guess what?
Will: What?
Sami: [trying to keep annoyance out of her voice] Your Grandma Kate is here.
Will: Mommy, can't you tell her I'm sick?
Sami: She knows you're sick. That's why she's here.
Will: [whiny] She'll call me "Baby." I hate that!
Sami: Maybe she won't.
[Kate enters.]
Kate: Hi, Baby! [Will rolls his eyes at Sami] Are you feeling any better?
Sami: [eager to get away from Kate] I think I'll leave you two alone.
Kate: I brought you a special present.
Will: What is it?
Kate: Well, open it up.
Will: [opening the gift] A book?
Kate: That's right, this is a special book. It was the book my Mommy used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your Daddy Lucas; and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Will: Has it got any sports in it?
Kate: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
Will: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Kate: [laughing] Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. [begins to read] The Princess Bride by S. Morganstern, Chapter 1.
Kate: [reading] Sami lived in an enormous mansion on the outskirts of Salem. Her favorite pastimes were riding the owner's horses and tormenting the father of her child, who also lived there. His name was Lucas. But she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Will: [patronizing his grandmother] Yeah, it's really good.
Kate: [reading] Nothing gave Sami as much pleasure as annoying Lucas.
Sami: General, I am going to get full custody of my son. Just you wait and see.
Lucas: Shut up, Sami.
Kate: [reading] 'Shut up, Sami' was all he ever said to her.
Sami: General, you do realize that your wife doesn't love you, right?
Lucas: Shut up, Sami.
Kate: [reading] Lucas eventually realized that Sami was right, and his wife, Nicole, did not love him. He was understandably upset, and he decided to go on vacation to sort through his feelings. But Lucas didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Sami got the news that Lucas was murdered-
Will: [interrupting] Murdered by pirates is good!
Kate: [reading] She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
Sami: I can't believe he's gone. I thought he'd always be around. I'm sorry I fought with him, I'm so sorry!
Kate: [reading] A few months later, Salem Place was filled as never before to hear an announcement made by the Victor Kiriakis, the head of Titan Industries.
Victor: [addressing the crowd] My friends! A month from now, Titan Industries will have its 20th Anniversary. On that sundown, one of my models, Franco Kelly, will marry a young woman in a spectacular wedding to which all of Salem is invited. Would you like to meet her?
Crowd: Yes!!!
Victor: My friends, Sami Brady!
Kate: [reading] Sami's emptiness consumed her. She knew that Victor and his business associate, Stefano DiMera, would harm her family, including her beloved son, if she refused to marry Franco Kelly. But, she did not love him and knew that he was marrying her only because he needed a green card and because her son's grandmother, who happened to be married to Victor, did not approve of her own taste in men. The only joy she found was in riding one of the horses from Victor's stable.
[New scene: Sami riding a horse. Brandon, Eric and Austin enter.]
Brandon: [stopping Sami] Got a minute, Samantha? We are but poor lost boxers. Is there a ring nearby where we may stage a fight?
Sami: I'm sorry, there's nothing nearby. Not for miles.
Brandon: Good. Then there will be no one to hear you scream.
[Austin grabs Sami by her neck, knocking her unconscious, and drags her to the pier, where the Fancy Face II is waiting for them.]
Eric: What's that you're ripping?
Brandon: It's fabric from the uniform of a policeman from Aremid!
Austin: [clueless] Aremid?
Brandon: The town across the river!
[Brandon attaches the cloth to Sami's horse]
Brandon: [to horse] Go!!! [to Austin] Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make Victor suspect that the Aremid cops have abducted Sami. When he finds her body dead in the Aremid pub, his suspicions will be totally confirmed. He'll go after the cops, and then they'll pay for trying to make my father stop beating my mother!
Austin: You never said anything about killing anyone!
Brandon: [angrily] I hired you to help me get even with the cops!
Austin: I just don't think it's right- killing an innocent girl.
Brandon: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were NOT hired for your brains!
Eric: [interrupting] I agree with Austin.
Brandon: Oh, the prodigal son speaks! What happens to her is none of your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this! [to Eric] When I found you, your family hadn't mentioned you for five years except to vaguely announce that you were 'in Colorado!' [to Austin] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!! Do you want me to send you to where you were? Wandering the streets with your druggie sister?
[Brandon sets the Fancy Face II free.]
Eric: That Brandon, he can...fuss.
Austin: Fuss, fuss, I think he likes to scream at us.
Eric: Probably he means no...harm.
Austin: He's really very short on...charm.
Eric: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Austin: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Brandon: [overhearing Austin] Enough of that!
Eric: Austin, are there rocks ahead?
Austin: If there are, we'll all be dead.
Brandon: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Austin: Anybody want a peanut?
Brandon: Argh!!!
[Night falls, and the Fancy Face II is still sailing.]
Brandon: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. [to Eric, who is looking over his shoulder] Why are you doing that?
Eric: I'm making sure nobody is following us.
Brandon: That would be inconceivable.
Sami: [waking up] You're an amateur, Brandon. You will get caught; and when you are, Victor and Abe and the cops will make you pay!
Brandon: [leering] Samantha, you are beautiful, but your confidence in the system has been sadly misplaced. [glancing at Eric] Stop doing that! We can relax! It's almost over.
Eric: Are you sure nobody is following us?
Brandon: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Aremid knows what we've done, and no one in Salem could have gotten here so fast. But, um, out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Eric: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Brandon: What?! [sees a ship] Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel infested waters.
[Sami jumps out of the ship.]
Brandon: What?! Go in!! Go after her!!!
Eric: [lying, as he suddenly realizes Sami is his long-lost twin] I don't swim.
Austin: I only dog-paddle!
Brandon: Argh! [to Eric] Veer left! ...left! ...left! [shrieking is heard] Do you know what that sound is, Samantha? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.
Kate: [stops reading] She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Will: What?
Kate: The eel doesn't get her. I'm just explaining because you looked nervous.
Will: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.
Kate: We can stop now if you want.
Will: No, you could read a little bit more if you want.
[Kate begins to read again. Austin reaches out of the boat, hits the eel on the head, and pulls Sami back on board]
Brandon: Put her down! Just put her down!
Eric: [looking back at the other ship] I think he's getting closer!
Brandon: He's no concern of ours! Sail on! [to Sami] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Sami: Only compared to some.
[The next morning.]
Eric: Look! He is right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using?
Brandon: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! [pointing up] The Cliffs of Insanity! Hurry up! Move..the thing...and that other thing! Move it! [gets out of the Fancy Face II] We're safe, only Austin is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours until he finds a harbor.
[Austin, all three holding on to him, climbs a rope up the side of the cliff.]
Eric: [in amazement] He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us.
Brandon: Inconceivable! Faster!
Austin: I thought I was going faster.
Brandon: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing, and he's gaining on us!
Austin: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.
Brandon: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to beat you into a coma again.
Austin: Don't do that, Brandon, please?
Brandon: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?
[They reach the top and watch the man following them as he tries to climb the rope, which Brandon cuts through.]
Austin: He's got very good arms.
Brandon: He didn't fall! Inconceivable!
Eric: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.
Brandon: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with Samantha and must therefore die. [to Austin] You carry her. [to Eric] We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, the sword.
Eric: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Brandon: You know what a hurry we're in!
Eric: But it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly.
Brandon: Oh, have it your way.
Austin: [to Eric] Be careful, Man. When I was on the street, I met a lot of people in masks, and they can't be trusted.
Brandon: [annoyed] I'm waiting!
[Eric calls down to the masked man as Austin and Brandon leave with Sami.]
Eric: Hey, how's it going?
Masked Man: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so could you please stop distracting me?
Eric: [apologetic] Sorry.
Masked Man: Thanks.
Eric: [after a minute] Could you hurry up?
Masked Man: If you're in such a hurry you could throw me a rope or find something useful to do.
Eric: I could do that, but I didn't think you would accept my help, since I'm just waiting around to kill you.
Masked Man: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Eric: [sincere] I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Masked Man: No, thanks. You'll just have to wait.
Eric: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Salemite?
Masked Man: Not a chance. I've known too many Salemites.
Eric: [trying again] I swear on the soul of my Father, Roman Augustus Brady, you will reach the top alive.
Masked Man: [realizing who he is dealing with] Throw me the rope.
[Eric throws the rope to the Masked Man, and helps him to the top where there is a clearing.]
Masked Man: [exhausted] Thanks. [He draws his sword.]
Eric: We can wait until you're ready.
Masked Man: Thanks.
Eric: I don't want to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to roll your 'r's when you talk, do you?
Masked Man: [after demonstrating that he says 'r' like a normal person] Do you always begin conversations this way?
Eric: My father was murdered by a man who rolled his 'r's. He was a great cop, my father. When the r-rolling man appeared and tried to set up organized crime in Salem, my father fought him. They played cat-and-mouse games for years. The r-rolling men developed an odd kind of respect for my father. But then, he fell in love with my mother. He kidnapped both of my parents and brainwashed another man into believing he was my father. When my parents returned to Salem, there was a strange love triangle, and my father, who had his heart broken, died on a dangerous ISA mission. I never really got to know him since I was living in Colorado. When I was old enough, I found my father's Salem PD sword and dedicated my life to the study of fencing; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the r-rolling man and say 'Hello, my name is Eric
Brady. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'
Masked Man: You've done nothing but sword-play?
Eric: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him; it'sbeen years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Brandon to pay to bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
Masked Man: Well, I hope you find him someday.
Eric: You're ready to start?
Masked Man: [shrugging] You've been more than fair.
Eric: [drawing his sword] You seem like a nice guy. I hate to kill you.
Masked Man: You seem like a nice guy. I hate to die.
Eric: Begin.
[A sword fight ensues.]
Eric: You're using Count Tony's Defense against me?
Masked Man: I thought it was a good idea, considering the rocks.
Eric: Then you've gotta expect me to attack with the Welch Move.
Masked Man: Yeah, but I find that the Blake Parry cancels out Welch Move. Don't you?
Eric: Unless the enemy knows about the Salem Strangler. Which I do.
[Fight continues.]
Eric: I admit it, you're better than I am.
Masked Man: [curious] Then why are you smiling?
Eric: Because I know something you don't know.
Masked Man: What?
Eric: [switching hands] I am not left-handed!
[Eric starts to overwhelm the Masked Man]
Masked Man: You're amazing!
Eric: I should be, after all this time.
Masked Man: [struggling] There's something I need to tell you.
Eric: What?
Masked Man: I'm not left-handed either.
Eric: [curious] Who are you?
Masked Man: No one of consequence.
Eric: I have to know.
Masked Man: Get used to disappointment.
[The Masked Man knocks the sword out of Eric's hand, and circles in behind him]
Eric: [on his knees] Kill me quickly.
Masked Man: I would never kill my son's uncle, even if he's never bothered to come to Salem to meet him. But I can't have you following me either.
[The Masked Man knocks Eric out and runs off after Brandon , Austin, and Sami.]
Brandon: [seeing the Masked Man] Inconceivable! Give her to me! [taking Sami] Catch up with us quickly!
Austin: I want to stay with Sami. I love her.
Brandon: Why? Didn't she break up your marriage to her sister and rape you?
Austin: Good point. What should I do?
Brandon: Finish him! Finish him. *Your* way.
Austin: Oh good. My way. Thank you Brandon. Uh, which way's my way?
Brandon: [annoyed] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes the Masked Man will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock!
Austin: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like.
[Brandon leaves, and Austin throws a rock at the Masked Man. It just misses him.]
Austin: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
Masked Man: I believe you. What now?
Austin: We face each other as God intended; sportsman-like.
Masked Man: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Austin: [holding up a large rock] I could kill you now.
[The Masked Man manages to jump onto Austin's back, and tries to choke him.
Austin pushes his back against a boulder, almost knocking the wind out of the Masked Man. Eventually, Austin falls to the ground unconscious and the Masked Man runs after Brandon.]
Masked Man: Looks like that stupid military school paid off.
[Later, Victor, his friend Stefano DiMera, and some of their guards including Nico and Franco find the clearing where Eric and the Masked Man fought.]
Victor: [looking at the tracks] There was a great battle. They were both masters.
Stefano: So? Who won?
Victor: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints toward Aremid.
Stefano: Shall we track them both?
Victor: The loser is nothing. You know only Sami matters. Clearly this was all planned by those dirty cops in Aremid! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Stefano: Could this be a trap?
Victor: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I am still alive.
[Stefano and Victor take off; meanwhile, the Masked Man finds Brandon, who holds a knife to Sami's throat.]
Brandon: If you want me to kill her, keep coming at me.
Masked Man: Just let me explain.
Brandon: There's nothing to explain. Sami loves ME, because we understand each other, and we're going to live happily ever after.
Masked Man: Are you sure?
Brandon: Yes, I'm sure. I'm a great schemer. You're no match for my brains.
Masked Man: You're that smart?
Brandon: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Masked Man: Yes.
Brandon: Morons!
Masked Man: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Brandon: For Sami? To the death? I accept!
Masked Man: Good, then pour the wine. [Brandon pours the wine.] Inhale this but do not touch.
Brandon: [taking a vial from the Masked Man] I don't smell anything.
Masked Man: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Brandon: [snorts] Hmmm.
Masked Man: [turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the goblets] All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead.
Brandon: But it's so simple. All I have to do is derive it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Masked Man: You've decided?
Brandon: Not a chance! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Masked Man: [rolling eyes] Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Brandon: [sarcasm lost on him] Wait 'till I get going!! Where was I?
Masked Man: Australia.
Brandon: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Masked Man: You're stalling.
Brandon: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you!
Masked Man: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. [snickers] It won't work.
Brandon: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Masked Man: Then make your choice.
Brandon: I will, and I choose- [pointing behind the Masked Man] What's that?
Masked Man: [turning around, while Brandon switches goblets] What? Where? I don't see anything.
Brandon: [snickering] Oh, sorry, I could have sworn I saw something. Look, lets drink, me from my glass and you from yours.
[They drink.]
Masked Man: You guessed wrong.
Brandon: [laughing] You only think I guessed wrong! I switched glasses when your back was turned! I got you, and I'm going to get Abe Carver, too!
[Brandon suddenly falls down, dead. The Masked Man removes Sami's gag and blindfold.]
Sami: [rudely] Who are you?
Masked Man: I'm no one to be trifled with.
Sami: [fairly impressed] So all that time it was your cup that was poisoned?
Masked Man: They were both poisoned. Over the years, I built up an immunity to iocane powder.
[He grabs Sami and they begin to run.]
Masked Man: [stops] Catch your breath.
Sami: Look, just release me. You'll get the ransom money, I promise. I just want to go home to my little boy.
Masked Man: [laughing] And what is that worth? *Your* promise? Funny, Sami.
Sami: [annoyed] I was giving you a chance. It doesn't matter WHERE you take me. Victor Kiriakis has killed or disgraced every villain who has ever come to Salem. He can find you.
Masked Man: You don't think your beloved Italian Stallion, Franco, will save you?
Sami: I never said I loved him. And he works for Victor, who WILL save me.
Masked Man: So you *admit* that you don't love your fiance?
Sami: He doesn't love me. He knows I don't love him.
Masked Man: [angered] Are not capable of love is what you mean!
Sami: [angered] I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!
Masked Man: [raising his hand at Sami] This is a warning, Sami! The next time I won't stop myself; where I come from there are penalties when someone lies.
Sami: [cocky] I know where you come from. I *know* who you are. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts! Just admit it!
Masked Man: Okay. I'm the Dread Pirate Roberts. What can I do for you?
Sami: You can die slowly and painfully!
Masked Man: [still calm] That's not very nice, Sami. What've you got againt me?
Sami: [upset] You killed the best friend I ever had.
Masked Man: So? I kill a lot of people. Who was this friend of yours? Another Titan model? Your ticket into the good circles of Salem society? Too good to be true, loved by all, always said the right thing?
Sami: No, a Titan executive . . . and kind of a jerk! [Masked Man almost winces] Had an obnoxious sense of humor. Was willing to ruin the life of his own brother. Blackmailed and schemed and lied. But he was the only person in the world who understood me! The only person I could be myself with! He was the father of my child! And you killed him!
Masked Man: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Sami: You're making fun of me!
Masked Man: That's my right! *I'm* the one holding *you* hostage. [pauses] I remember this friend of yours. Does it bother you to hear?
Sami: [lying fairly well] Nothing you can say will upset me.
Masked Man: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts.
Sami: [interrupting] Huh?
Masked Man: [continuing] He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the 'please' that got my attention. I asked what was so important for him, and he told me about his son, and how he couldn't stand the thought of not watching him grow up. But he was glad that his son's mother would still be there to take care of him. He talked about how much she loved him, and how she was stubborn and smart and would do anything for her little boy. You should be glad I killed him so he didn't have to find out what you really are!
Sami: And what am I?
Masked Man: Cleverness, he talked about your intelligence, Sami, and your love for your son! Now, I find that you're willing to marry this model and have him around your child even though your uncle has told you he's a killer?
Sami: [mad] I don't want to marry him! I have to, to protect my family, and Will! I've already lost Lucas, I can't lose anyone else!
[The Masked Man and Sami see Victor approaching.]
Sami: [pushes him over the edge of the hill] But I don't think anyone will miss YOU!
Masked Man: [as he falls] Shut up, Sami!
Sami: [alarmed] Oh, my God, Lucas, what have I done?
[Sami throws herself down the hill after Lucas. They stop rolling at the bottom, and Lucas goes over to Sami.]
Lucas: Are you okay?
Sami: Okay? You're here! I've never been this happy!
Lucas: [holding Sami] You honestly didn't recognize me just because I was wearing a mask?
Sami: I thought you were dead. I thought I might have been hearing your voice and seeing your eyes because I wanted to. I have trouble believing it when people come back from the dead, especially because of the whole thing where we thought John was my father but he wasn't.
Lucas: I understand. But I'm the one who'll always be here for you, Sami.
Sami: I'll never doubt you again.
Lucas: You'll never have to.
[Sami and Lucas almost kiss.]
Will: [interrupting the story] Oh, no! No. Please!
Kate: What is it? What's the matter?
Will: [disgusted] They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
Kate: Someday you might not mind so much. I'll skip ahead.
Kate: [reading] Lucas and Sami raced along the ravine floor.
Lucas: [seeing Victor and his helpers, including Stefano, Nico, and Franco] Ha! Your Italian Stallion is too late! [begins running again] A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.
Sami: [surprised] There's a fire swamp in Aremid?
Lucas: [nonchalant] Sure! There's a fire swamp but no real hotel, a gas chamber but no jail, that kind of thing.
[They run into the fire swamp, which is dark and eerie.]
Lucas: It's not that bad. [Sami gives him a Look.] Well I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here but the trees are kind of pretty.
[A popping noise is heard, and Sami's dress catches on fire. Lucas put it out.]
Lucas: Are you okay?
Sami: Uh-huh. Are you? [Lucas nods.]
Lucas: Don't worry. We'll be out of here soon. Robert's ship Revenge is docked at the other end of the swamp. And as you said, I'm Roberts.
Sami: Ha ha. Lucas, be serious. The Salem PD has been trying to take the Dread Pirate Roberts down since before either of us were born.
Lucas: Well, you know that I was captured by Roberts. He decided not to kill me; he really was surprised when I told him about you and Will. It turned out that he was so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said 'my name is Peter. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either - his name was Jack. The real Roberts had been retired 15 years and was living like a king in Alamania.' Then he explained the name was the important for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Lucas. [Sami briefly looks as if she might argue that point.] So we sailed ashore, took on a new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed him, you know how gullible people can be, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. But now that I've gotten back to you and Will, I'll hand the name over to someone else.
[Sami, devoting her attention to Lucas, steps into a pit of sand and vanishes. Lucas dives in after her and pulls her out.]
Lucas: You know, I'm getting sick of saving you.
Sami: I'm sorry. Look, we'll never get through this fire swamp. We may as well die here.
Lucas: No, no. I was kidding, Sami, I'm sorry. We'll be fine. Look, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt , but we know there's a popping sound before they flare up, so we can avoid them. Two, the lightning sand which we've also already discovered.
Sami: But what about the ROUSs?
Lucas: Rodents Of Unusual Size? You actually believe in them? [snickers]
[Just as Lucas finishes, he is jumped by a rat-like creature roughly the size of a Great Dane. It bites him on the shoulder. Sami grabs a tree branch and hits it on the head, giving Lucas a chance to roll the ROUS onto a flame spurt. It dies. Sami and Lucas continue through the swamp without incident and emerge on the other side.]
Sami: We did it!
Lucas: Of course we did!
[Their joy is short-lived; Victor and his cohorts find them.]
Victor: Lucas. You used to be such a reasonable young man. Return Sami to me.
Lucas: No! I'd rather die--
Sami: [interrupting] Will you promise not to hurt him?
Victor: What?
Lucas: What?!?!
Sami: If I go back with Victor, will you promise not to punish Lucas?
Victor: May I live a thousand years and never blackmail again!
Sami: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise me you'll return him to his ship.
Victor: I promise, Samantha. [whispers to Stefano] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Salem and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Stefano: It is as good as done.
Sami: [to Lucas] I thought you were dead once. I can't go through that again, wondering if I could have done something to save you--
[Victor grabs her and drags her away.]
Stefano: [to Lucas] I'll take you to yourrrr ship.
Lucas: Lies don't suit you very well.
Stefano: [laughs, then notices Lucas is staring] What?
Lucas: You roll your 'r's. Someone was looking for you.
[Stefano knocks Lucas out, and Lucas awakens back in Salem, in Stefano's Pit of Despair, which is presided over by none other than Dr. Rolf.]
Lucas: Where am I?
Rolf: The Pit of Despair. Don't bother trying to escape, or dream of being rescued. Only Victor, Stefano, and I know how to get here.
Lucas: What, I'm here until I die?
Rolf: Well, until they kill you, yeah.
Lucas: Then why bother curing me?
Rolf: Well, Stefano and Victor like a nice, healthy victim to torture. They're quite cruel.
[Scene shifts to Sami, Victor, and Stefano preparing for Sami's marriage to Franco.]
Victor: She's been moping ever since we left the fire swamp. She's just sad that Franco is out of town on a photo shoot.
Stefano: Naturrraly.
Kate: [reading] So, Franco was called home that very night, and the next morning he and Sami were married. She arrived in Salem Place to make a speech to the assembled guests--
Will: [interrupting] Hold it! Hold it! Grandma, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Franco, she marries Lucas. I'm just sure of it. After all that they went through, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Kate: Well who says life is fair? Life isn't always fair.
Will: [mad] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
Kate: [threatening] Do you want me to finish reading this?
Will: [contrite] Yes.
Kate: Then no more interruptions.
[The story resumes]
Franco: This is my new wife, Samantha Brady Kelly.
[Sami comes out to speak, but a woman stands up to boo her.]
Woman: Boo! Boo! Boo!
Sami: What are you doing?
Woman: Because you had love! You had all you ever wanted and you gave it up!
Sami: I know Victor and Stefano. They would have killed Lucas.
Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! Boo! Boo! Boo!
[Sami wakes up, breathing heavily]
Kate: [reading] It was ten days until the wedding. Franco was still out of town, but Sami's nightmares were becoming steadily worse.
Will: [interrupting] See? I knew she'd never marry Franco!
Kate: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up. [Story resumes]
Sami: I'm sorry, but this is what it comes down to: I love Lucas, I always have - I know now I always will. If I have to marry Franco, I'll be dead by morning.
Victor: No kidding. Stefano, you did take care of Lucas?
Stefano: Yes.
Victor: Good. No one will come for her, then.
[Sami is locked away to await the wedding. Later, Stefano arrives at the Pit of Despair. He slowly begins to torture Lucas.]
Kate: [reading] The day of the wedding arrived. Victor ordered all of Salem to be accounted for, officially to ensure that no one would be able to harm Sami on her wedding day.
[Eric, who is drunk, is giving one of Victor's guards a hard time.]
Eric: [drunkenly] I am waiting for you Brandon! We were supposed to come back to where we got the job if something went wrong with the kidnapping, so I'm waiting!
Guard: Come on, get out of here.
Eric: I won't!
[Eric fights off the guard.]
Eric: I'm waiting for Brandon.
[
A hand grabs Eric from behind.]
Austin: That can't be fun.
[Eric realizes Austin has grabbed him.]
Eric: It's you!
Austin: True!
[Austin punches out the guard who has been bothering Eric.]
Kate: [reading] Austin and Eric were happy to be reunited, and Austin told Eric that Brandon was dead, and that Stefano DiMera, the r-rolling man, was working with Victor.
Eric: Where's DiMera now?
Austin: With Victor. But the Kiriakis Mansion has thirty guards.
Eric: How many could you handle?
Austin: Ten?
Eric: Leaving twenty for me? That's too many. I need someone to plan, like Brandon used to do.
Austin: Brandon is dead.
Eric: No. Not Brandon. I need the Masked Man.
Austin: What?
Eric: Let's go!
Austin: You don't know where he is.
Eric: Who cares? My father will finally be avenged!
[Meanwhile, Victor and Stefano decide that torture is taking too long and just attempt to kill Lucas, who screams. Eric and Austin hear his cries.]
Eric: Austin! Austin! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when DiMera murdered my father. The Masked Man makes it now.
Austin: The Masked Man?
Eric: His true love is marrying another tonight. Who else could it be?
[They follow the sound, and find Rolf. Austin knocks Rolf out, and they find the hidden entrance to the Pit of Despair.]
Austin: [taking Lucas' pulse] He's dead.
Eric: No!
Will: [interrupting] Grandma!. What did Austin mean, 'He's Dead?' Lucas is only faking, right?
Kate: Do you want me to read this, Will?
Will: Who gets Franco?
Kate: What?
Will: Who kills Franco? At the end, someone's got to do it! Is it Eric? Who?!
Kate: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Will: You mean he wins? Grandma, why are you reading me this story?
Kate: I'm sorry, Will. You're sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now.
Will: No. I'm okay. Keep reading, please.
Kate: Okay. [Resumes reading.]
Eric: If there's one thing that Bradys understand, it's that death is a temporary inconvenience. Grab his body.
Austin: His body?
Eric: Do you have any money?
Austin: A little.
Eric: I hope it's enough to buy a miracle.
[Eric and Austin bring Lucas' body to an out-of-the-way house. Eric knocks.]
Voice: [from inside] Go away!
[Eric keeps knocking, until Vivian Alamain answers the door.]
Vivian: What?
Eric: Are you the Vivian Alamain who buried Carly Manning alive all those years ago?
Vivian: Yes, and I wound up in an asylum for my trouble! Thank you for bringing it up.
Eric: But we need a miracle. You're our only hope.
Vivian: Look, I'm retired. Besides, Victor chose Kate over me. Why would you want help from someone who can't even defeat Kate Roberts? I might kill whoever you're trying to save!
Eric: He's already dead.
Vivian: [intrigued] He is? Bring him in. [examines Lucas] What can you offer me in return? Money?
Eric: Sixty-five.
Vivian: I would never work for so little. Don't you understand that I used to control the entire Alamain fortune?
Eric: I thought you used to help people scheme for nothing all the time.
Vivian: Well, yes, for certain . . . noble causes.
Eric: This is noble! His wife is crippled. Their children are on the brink of starvation.
Vivian: [rolling eyes] Cry me a river.
Eric: [desperate] I need him to help avenge my father!
Vivian: Your first story was better. He probably just owes you money. I suppose I'll have to ask him.
Eric: But he's dead.
Vivian: [exasperated] They always think they know everything. It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. [She pours some of Dr. Woo's special herbs in] Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead, well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
Eric: What's that?
Vivian: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [to Lucas] Lucas! Snap out of it! Why do you want to live?
Lucas: [low voice] True love.
Eric: True love! What more do you want?
Vivian: Oh, there's nothing better than true love, like what I felt for my dear Victor. But I know Lucas, and I know how he operates. He doesn't care about love. He cares about money. He said--
Ivan: [entering and interrupting] Madame! Don't lie to the poor boy!
Vivian: Ivan! Get out of here.
Ivan: [ignoring her] True love, who said true love, Madame?
Vivian: Don't say another word, Ivan!
Ivan: You're afraid. [to Eric] Ever since Victor chose Kate over her, her confidence hasn't been the same.
Vivian: [yelling] Why'd you say her name?! You promised me that you would never
say her name!
Ivan: What, KATE?
Vivian: Ahh!!
Ivan: KATE!
Vivian: Ahh!!
[Ivan chases a cringing Vivian around the room.]
Ivan: Kate!
Vivian: Ahh!!
Ivan: Kate!
Vivian: Ahh!!
Ivan: Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!
Vivian: I'm not listening!
Eric: [interrupting] This is Sami's true love. If you heal him, he'll stop the wedding to Franco, and you know Victor is only forcing that wedding to please Kate.
Vivian: Wait, wait. I make him better, Kate suffers?
Eric: Yes!
Vivian: Now, that, my friend, is a noble cause! Ivan, fetch me the rest of Dr. Woo's herbs!
[They give Lucas the drugs, and send him off, semiconscious, with Austin and Eric.]
Vivian: Have fun storming the castle!
Ivan: [to Vivian] Think it will work?
Vivian: It would take a miracle.
Vivian and Ivan: [waving] Bye!
[Later, Eric, Austin, and Lucas look at the Kiriakis Mansion from their hiding place. It is surrounded by guards. Lucas suddenly regains full consciousness.]
Lucas: [disoriented] Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Sami?
Eric: Let me explain-- no, there's too much. Let me sum up: Sami is marrying Franco in half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal Sami, and make our escape - after I kill Stefano DiMera.
Lucas: What are our liabilities?
Eric: There's only one way in, and it's guarded by sixty men.
Lucas: And our assets?
Eric: [gesturing to himself, Lucas, and Austin] You're looking at them.
Lucas: That's it? This is ridiculous! If we at least had a wheelbarrow . . .
Eric: Austin, do we still have Rolf's wheelbarrow?
[Austin nods.]
Lucas: Is there any way we can get a holocaust cloak?
Austin: [pulls a black cloak from under his shirt] Would this do?
Eric: Where did you get that?
Austin: Vivian gave it to me.
Lucas: Vivian? All right, help me up. [They do.]
Eric: Now. How do I find Stefano? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Austin: Don't pester him, Man, he's had a hard day.
Eric: Right, you're right. Sorry.
Austin: Eric?
Eric: What?
Austin: I hope we win.
[Inside, Sami and Franco are standing unhappily before the altar. The people in the chapel can hear the head of Victor's guards, Nico, telling his men to stand their ground. Outside, Austin is dressed in the cloak, standing on the wheelbarrow, which is being pushed by Eric.]
Austin: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
Eric: Now?
Lucas: Not yet.
Austin: My men are here! I am here! But soon, you will not be here!
Eric: Now?
Lucas: Light him! [Eric sets Austin's robe on fire.]
Austin: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!
[The guards, except for Nico, run.]
Lucas: [to Nico] Give us the key.
Nico: I have no key.
Eric: Austin, tear his arms off.
Nico: Oh, you mean this gate key. [Gives it to Eric]
[Austin, Eric, and Lucas enter the mansion. Sami has been dragged off to the honeymoon suite to await Franco, as Victor demanded that they "skip ahead to the man and wife part of the ceremony." Austin, Eric, and Lucas are confronted by Stefano.]
Eric: Hello, my name is Eric Brady. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
[Just as Eric and Stefano prepare to duel, Stefano turns around and runs away. Eric chases him. When Stefano reaches a dead end, he turns, pulls a knife from his boot, and thrusts it into Eric's stomach.]
Eric: [on his knees] I'm sorry, Dad. I tried.
Count Stefano: You must be Roman Brady's little brat. The one I tried to kidnap all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.
[In the honeymoon suite, Sami prepares to kill herself with a dagger. Lucas lies unseen on her bed.]
Lucas: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a shame to damage yours.
Sami: Lucas? Lucas! [She runs to him and spontaneously kisses him. He isn't strong enough to react.] Lucas . . . what's wrong? Besides the obvious.
[Scene shifts to Eric and Stefano as Eric pulls the knife from his stomach.]
Stefano: You still think you can win? [Fighting.]
Eric: Hello, my name is Eric Brady. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Fighting.] Hello, my name is Eric Brady. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Fighting, Eric's voice begins to get louder and stronger.] Hello, my name is Eric Brady! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
Stefano: Stop saying that!
Eric: [furious] Hello, my name is Eric Brady! You killed my father! Prepare to die! [Eric corners Stefano] Offer me money!
Stefano: All that I have and more. Please.
Eric: Power, too, promise me that! [Stefano nods] Offer me everything I ask for.
Stefano: Anything you want!
Eric: [running his sword through Stefano] I want my father back, you son of a bitch! [Stefano dies. Eric runs after Lucas.]
[And in the honeymoon suite]
Sami: Oh, Lucas, will you ever be able to forgive me?
Lucas: What have you done this time?
Sami: I got married. I, I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Lucas: It never happened.
Sami: What?
Lucas: It never happened.
Sami: Lucas, I was there. It happened, all right.
Lucas: Did you say I do?
Sami: No. We skipped that part.
Lucas: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it. And I'll bet the Italian Stallion agrees!
Franco: [who has entered] That can be corrected, but first, I'll take care of you! I'll fight you to the death!
Lucas: No! To the pain!
Franco: What?
Lucas: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand.[Franco snorts] To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose. The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!
Franco: And then my ears. I get the point. Let's go.
Lucas: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and here's why: so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Franco: You're bluffing.
Lucas: It's possible, Italian Stallion. I might be bluffing. Maybe I'm only lying here because I'm too weak to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. [Slowly, Lucas stands. Franco is petrified.] Have a seat. [to Sami] Tie him up. [Eric enters]
Eric: Where's Austin?
Lucas: I thought he was with you. In that case-- [Lucas starts to move and stumbles weakly; Sami grabs and supports him.]
Franco: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! [Eric points his sword at him] I knew he was...bluffing.
Eric: Shall I get rid of him for you?
Lucas: No, thanks. Let him live a long life, alone with his cowardice.
Austin: [from outside the window] Eric! Eric! Where are you? [Eric runs to the window] There you are. Eric, I was in Victor's stable, and there they were: four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find Sami. [Sami and Lucas run to the window.] Hi, Sami.
Eric: Austin, you did something right.
Austin: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Eric: [to Lucas and Sami] You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Sami: You're my long-lost twin brother! You have to stay in Salem!
Eric: I love you, Sami, but even though your life is here, mine isn't.
Lucas: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.
[They jump out the window and join Austin on the horses.]
Kate: [reading] They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Lucas and Sami knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other . . . [trails off]
Will: What?! What?!
Kate: [warning] It's kissing again.
Will: [shyly] I don't mind so much.
Kate: Okay. [continues] Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end. [closes book] Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.
Will: Okay. Um . . . Grandma? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow?
Kate: As you wish, Baby.
The End