Disclaimer: I wish I did own Saiyuki, but unfortunately I don't.

Dressed to Kill

Chapter 1: Another sutra?

Afternoon sunlight drifted lazily through the open window, illuminating the cramped room. Sanzo could feel its warm glow on his face as he frowned at the newspaper, cigarette clamped between his lips. For once he had some quiet time to himself. No stupid monkey or irritating kappa to disturb him, just the muted noise of the street below and the occasional 'fwip' of a turning page. It was as close to heaven as he was likely to get on this damned trip.

But then his bad karma came back to hit him like a boomerang. The all-too familiar sound of quarrelling voices was approaching, followed by a slam as the inn door was kicked open. With a sigh he put out the cigarette stub, watching the last tendrils of smoke float out of the window. He closed his eyes, counting the pounding footsteps. One, two, three and- BANG!

"Yo Sanzo-sama. Your underlings have returned." He grunted disdainfully and turned to look at Gojyo stood in the doorway, smirking as if almost breaking down other people's doors was something to be smug about. Not that Sanzo normally cared; except, of course, when it was his door.

"Is your brain incapable of even opening a door?" The death-to-all-idiots glare was back.

"Hey! Don't put me on the same level as that stupid monkey!" Gojyo snapped. A second figure appeared behind him.

"Oh Gojyo, you haven't upset Sanzo already have you? We've only just got back." Hakkai stepped around the annoyed kappa, dropping the overflowing bags he had been carrying on to the nearest bed. He smiled at the priest. "Sorry we took so long." Sanzo sniffed.

"Ch. Did you get everything?"

Before he could get an answer, the last member of the Sanzo party charged in, an unstoppable juggernaut of excitement.

"Sanzo! Sanzo! Guess what we – oww! What was that for?" Goku collapsed on the floor, clutching his head and looking reproachfully up at the priest. Settling back into his chair, Sanzo tucked the paper fan back into his robes.

"A warning. And if this has anything to with food, I'll shoot you." Hakkai laughed nervously.

"Actually, it really isn't about food. We think we might have found another of the Tenchi Kaigen sutras."

"Oh?"

"We were in a shop when we overheard a conversation between two of the villagers. Do you remember that big house we saw on the road?" Sanzo nodded. The house stood on the hill overlooking the village, just visible from the window.

"The owner is a well-known collector of religious artefacts. He's just returned from another expedition and, apparently, he's found one of the sutras."

"You see Sanzo? We're not as useless as you make out." Gojyo's smirk widened. "So feel free to shower us with your gratitude anytime you like." Before he could reply with a suitably scathing comment, Goku leapt up, grabbing several strands of Gojyo's hair and knocking the surprised half-breed over.

"You can't talk, ya cockroach kappa – you weren't even there! You were off buying cigarettes!"

"Well, if you're going to be picky about the tiniest details... and let go of my hair! Do you want me to be a baldy like Sanzo?" The sound of a metallic click came from the priest's chair.

"Did you say something asshole?"

Oh no, not again, thought Hakkai as he watched the situation descend into chaos. Their sense of priority was seriously screwed; fighting each other was much more important than actually completing their mission. Laughing quietly at his companions' determination to beat the crap out of each other before anyone else did, Hakkai picked up the discarded newspaper and began to read. Clearly further news of the sutra would have to wait.

A few minutes later, having beaten Goku and Gojyo into sullen submission, Sanzo turned back to Hakkai, who smiled just a little bit too serenely.

"Are you quite finished? Would you like me to continue? I'm sure it could wait if you're not." The priest nodded. He had a feeling that, deep down, this man was laughing at them all.

"So how do we get to see if this is a sutra?"

"It appears that normally he's a bit of a recluse, but tomorrow night he's invited everyone in the village to a party at the house. That's what the villagers were talking about. I was thinking that if we went and explained the situation to him-"

"Hmph. I don't have time to be explaining stuff to every idiot we meet."

"You can't just steal it Sanzo!"

"Did I say I would be stealing it? Not that it matters; it belongs to a Sanzo priest anyway." Hakkai sighed.

"Very well. But whatever we do, tomorrow night is still our best chance. The house is normally closed off to outsiders." Deciding that Sanzo's wrath had abated enough for him to risk speaking, Gojyo gave him a pleading look.

"Pleeeeease can we go, oh mighty Sanzo? It wouldn't kill you to let us have some fun would it? There might be some chicks there!" An annoyed monkey had other ideas.

"Is that all you ever think about, perverted kappa? What about the food? All parties gotta have food!"

Will someone please shoot me? Or even better, them? thought the monk, clutching his throbbing forehead in his hands. Once again the cockroach and the monkey had succeeded in making his life a little more hellish.

"Fine – we'll go to this damn party. Just remember our priority is to search for the scripture." Sanzo glared at his grinning companions. "There, you've got what you wanted. Now you can shut the hell up or die." Goku and Gojyo quieted for a moment, but soon began their bickering again. Hakkai stepped over them and picked up the golden Aspect's card from the table.

"If you don't mind Sanzo I'll just be borrowing this again."

"Huh?" He was already out of the door and heading for the staircase, waving away the priest's confusion.

"Don't worry, I won't be long. I'm just going to get us some costumes."

Deathly silence filled the room, punctuated only by Hakkai's cheerful whistle as he vanished down the stairs. An empty cigarette packet tumbled across the table (1)

"C-costumes?" spluttered Gojyo.

"HAKKAI! Get your frickin' ass back here! What the hell do you mean by costumes?"

There was silence. The demon-slayer had already gone. For a second Gojyo the priest was about to get up and go after him. Then he slumped back into his chair, reaching for a cigarette.

"Shit. Why didn't you tell me it was fancy dress, you stupid cockroach?"

"Coz I didn't know! I was too busy buying your lordship's smokes at the time!"

"We can still go, can't we Sanzo?" asked Goku, eyes begging. The effect was ruined by the fact that his hands were buried in one of the bags of food.

"Tch. I guess we'll have to. I don't want Kougaiji getting his dirty hands on a sutra."

You'd better not come back with anything stupid Hakkai, Sanzo thought, or I may just shoot YOU for once.

(1) "What?" exclaimed the Merciful Goddess "It wasn't as if there was any tumbleweed!"

A/N: OK., this is my first Saiyuki fic. It came from a totally random idea and may turn out to be completely crap. Let me know what you think!