Authors note: Hi. Ok. So basically I thought it would be fun to write my own take on all the Keith stories. It's probably been done a million times before. I'm a Scottish person trying to write about American characters so there may be some British words that aren't used in America or spelling may be different so I apologise- I have tried my best. I've noticed people writing in the Ellis accent so I've attempted it slightly but not to an extreme. Obviously I don't own anything to do with Left4Dead. If I did, I'd be out making L4D3 happen instead of writing fanfics. Ok. If you took the time to read this then I love you.

Onward, my wayward sons...

My buddy Keith tried campin' out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy tear gassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time he opened his eyes. Oh, man! At first it was funny. Then it just got sad but then it got funny again! Oh, man!

"Listen, Keith, ah don't think is such a good idea"

"Ellis, you are such a buzzkill sometimes, ya know that?"

Ellis sat on the edge of Keiths bed, watching his friend rummage through his closet.

"How you even s'pposed ta find anything with all that junk in there?"

Keith threw Ellis a dirty look before turning back to continue his search. He finally found what he was looking for. He pulled the tattered, scruffy tent bag from under the mountain of items he had collected over the years and held it up like a trophy; a triumphant smile on his face. Ellis didn't share his enthusiasm and continued to stare disapprovingly. Keith lowered the bag and sighed.

"Y'know Ellis, sometimes I think you're worse than my mom. It's not like I'm asking you ta come with me"

"Ya did ask me, Keith"

Keith ignored Ellis and threw the tent into the equally as tatty duffel bag. Ellis continued.

"Look, I'm not tryna ruin your fun but camping on the roof of a public building...that don't sound like it'll end well ta me. Why does it even have ta be on top of a buildin'? Why not just go campin' in a field like a regular person?"

Keith looked at him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Because of the birds, stupid" When Ellis replied with a simple "huh?", Keith got frustrated. "cause I'll be up high, I'll get a better shot at the birds. It's simple, really, Ell-"

Ellis looked alarmed. "But you'll be in the city! Ya can't go shootin' off th' top of a building in the city"

Keith ignored him once again. He zipped up his duffel and heaved it off the floor.

"Coming?"

"This is going ta go all wrong,"

Keith smiled widely and left the room. Ellis sighed and heaved himself off the bed before following Keith out the room.

"I'm not comin' up on the building with ya! This'll only end in tears, Keith!"

"This is the Police. Drop your weapon. I repeat. Drop. Your. Weapon."

Keith looked over the edge. There were a lot of cop cars parked outside the building. Civilians and police stared back up at him from the ground but they looked tiny from where keith was standing. Like little ants.

Keith cupped one hand round his mouth and yelled down.

"It's alrigh'. Ah'm just shootin' at crows!" He held up his gun and pointed at the sky. He spotted a familiar blue and white cap in the crowd below.

"Sir. Drop the gun and nobody has to get hurt"

Keith rolled his eyes. He was getting exasperated. His voice was getting carried away in the wind and the cops couldn't hear his excuses.

"Nobody has ta get hurt anyway...well...'part from the crows but they don't really count as nobod-"

BANG

Keith had accidentally set his gun off. The bullet hit a first floor window of the building opposite. Glass shattered and fell on the people below. There was a lot of shouting.

"Aw. Ah'm real sorry! I didn' mean ta hit a-AARGH!"

Ellis was sitting outside a cafe when he heard the voice over the loudspeaker:

"This is the Police. Drop your weapon. I repeat. Drop. Your. Weapon."

"Aww Christ" Ellis threw a few dollars down on the table and jogged off in the general direction of the voice.

It only took a minute or so to find them. The scene was attracting a crowd. There were a few cop cars in a line in front of the building. Four or five cops stood in front of the cars, guns pointing up. Another was shouting into a loudspeaker. The rest were just behind the cars, shouting at the crowds to "get back".

Keith could be seen attempting to shout down at them but he was too far away to be heard. Ellis attempted to push past the officers to get to the one with the speaker. He was shoved back.

"Sir. You have to stay back"

"Nah, officer, ya don't understand. That's ma buddy up there. If I could jus' talk to him-"

"I'm sorry no civilians allowed past this point"

"Sir. Drop the gun and nobody has to get hurt" The officer yelled into the speaker.

Ellis tried to get past again but was rejected. He tried pleading with him again.

"Look, honestly, this is a misunderstanding. He's just up there lookin' for a better view ta shoot the birds. He's only shootin' crows. He dont mean any harm"

BANG

Glass shattered from a few feet above their heads. People started yelling and running away. The police went crazy, shouting into walkie-talkies and barking orders. Pressure canisters were brought out. The police started sending the gas at Keith. Ellis tried to push past again to tell them to stop but he was shunted once again. He started yelling to the officers with the canisters.

"Naw. Wait! It was an accident. Leave him! He's only shootin' crows!"

Ellis could see Keith going crazy on top of the building. He was scared he was going to fall off. He was running blindly in circles and flailing and waving his arms about like crazy, clawing at his face. Ellis could only watch as police bust in the building and went to collect him. He couldn't see Keith anymore. He must have fallen over. He could just hear his screams though. Ellis sighed.

"Keith. You. Idiot"

Ellis bust through the door to Keiths moms house. He had Keiths arms round his shoulders; partially to guide him as Keith couldn't open his eyes; and partially because of the battering Keith had received from the cops once they had gotten to him on top of the building.

Keith groaned every now and then and mumbled, mostly to himself, cursing the police and the tear gas.

"Are they allowed ta beat me up like that? Ah thought that was 'police brutality' or su'thin'"

"Well you did take two of 'em down"

"Ah was blind! I couldn't see wha' ah was doin'! Their fault for gassin' me like that anyways"

"It coulda been worse"

"Coulda been worse?"

Keith turned to Ellis incredulously. Caught up in his indignation, he accidentally opened his eyes. He regretted it immediately after. He yelped and fell. He pushed at his eyelids with his fingers and groaned, squirming around on the kitchen floor. Ellis laughed. He bent over and heaved Keith back on his feet.

"Quit laughin' at me" Keith pouted.

"You're lucky your Moms away. She'd give ya a worse beatin' than the cops did"

"Shut up, Ellis" Keith grumbled half heartedly. Ellis chuckled again.

"Imagine trustin' you alone in her house for a week"

"Ah told you ta shut it"

They had reached Keiths bedroom. Ellis dumped Keith on his bed. Keith rolled over, stuck his face in the pillow and whined a bit more. His words came out muffled.

"Crap, that hurts. Why does everythin' bad happen ta me?"

"Cause you're always doin' stupid stuff"

"I'm blind. yer supposed ta be nice ta me"

"You're not blind. The cops said you'll be able to op'n your eyes soon"

"Ah better. Stupid cops"

Ellis smiled. He couldn't help himself.

"Hey, Keith?"

"Yeah?"

"Ah told ya it would end in tears"

All reviews, criticism, praise or even hate, are greatly appreciated. If you don't want to review; also fantastic. I love you.