CHAPTER 1
It is autumn again here in New York. This is my favorite time of the year. It is such a sight to behold---the bronzed and golden leaves falling from the trees creating a blanket of tranquility that precedes the inevitability of winter.
Change...that is what autumn represents for me. Change and hope that someday, after the beautiful but lonely winter, spring with its vibrancy and life will flourish once more.
It is during this time when I think about you more often. Fate has never been kind to me. I have lost something that has never been mine in the first place. And that is you.
My heart had been broken so many times over because you were in love with somebody else. That alone was painful enough. But it was my bestfriend whom I treated as a brother you fell in love with. It was exquisite pain whenever I would witness you two holding hands or exchanging a fleeting kiss whenever you two thought no one was looking. I had to witness all of it.
I was happy for you and him. I know that I would always be just a friend to you. And I get hurt whenever I would see you cry over him. If I could just kiss your troubles aw.ay, I would. I would never make you cry.
That day when I asked you to migrate with me, I have long wanted to ask you that. And when I kissed you, I felt it right then. You were never meant to be mine. Your heart belongs to him. And I accepted it, it was fate. But the rage in my heart that I could not love you destroyed me completely.
I helped him get back together with you. I saw you regain the radiance in your smile, and it palliated my agony somehow. Just before leaving to surprise you in Barcelona, I threatened him: that I would take you away from him forever if he breaks your heart again. I meant every word of that.
So I left our homeland, having done my part to bring your happiness. I have tried to gain mine through the years. I acquired my masteral degree in Economics in NYU. At the same time, I was fortunate enough to be granted a full scholarship in Julliard. I set up my own consultation firm based in New York and have just recently expanded in Chicago and San Francisco. Right now, I am also promoting an album that I made which carries most of the compositions in violin that I've written and compiled over the years.
Despite what most people say, I never saw myself as successful. For me, killiing myself with so many things to do numbs me as I go home to my flat. I am constantly surrounded by beautiful people and things, yet I still yearn for your exquisite smile. I have never forgotten you, your smile, nor the way you moved me.
I wonder how you are getting along with him. But I never asked about you during my overseas calls to the other F4. It's not that I've forgotten, it's because I still haven't.
CHAPTER 2
I was on my way to work when I received a call from my cellphone.
What he told me had left me standing in the middle of Wall Street for ten minutes after he had hung up. I immediately called the office and told my secretary to cancel all my meetings that day and to book me the earliest flight to Taipei.
An international group of terrorists had taken hostage of you and Tsukasa while you two were touring Athens. After Tsukasa's mother paid the terrorists, they decided to kill you two so there would be no witnesses. The Interpol barely arrived in time to save you two but they had already killed Tsukasa in his effort to save you. You were unconscious then so you didn't know what had happened yet. You lost both Tsukasa and the baby.
They wanted me to break the news to you. You'll be regaining consciousness soon.
CHAPTER 3
You were alone when I visited the hospital that morning. Soujiro and Akira had gone home after spending the night there to watch over you. The blinds were shut and the only source of light came from a table lamp at the corner of the room. Your parents were still on their way from the mainland. You were sleeping peacefully; you looked so pale yet serene.
I just stood there infront of your bed, with a lump in my throat. Why do these things always happen to you? If only I could shoulder all these for you. You've carried the weight of the world on your shoulders for so long. You are the epitome of inner strength and determination. You are the person whom I have wanted to become. That's why I left everything here in Japan, to start over on my own without the prestige nor money that my family had. And now this.
I am so afraid that may be this would truly break your strong, brave spirit. And it was my task to inform you. I was musing these thoughts and was about to turn around to get coffee outside when I heard your voice.
CHAPTER 4
"Rui," she whispered, while she sat up. She looked around the room and then at her hospital gown. "Where am I?"
Rui moved closer to the bed and gently laid his hand upon hers. "Makino, you're in the hospital. You're safe now. Thank God, you're alive and well."
Then she remembered. She covered her face with her hands and gave a long mournful wail. "No, no, no! Where is Tsukasa? Bring me to Doumyouji!" Makino tried to get out of the bed but almost fell on the floor if not for Rui. The stitches on her shoulder and thigh hurt.
"What happened to Tsukasa?" Makino was crying uncontrollably on Rui's chest.
Hanazawa Rui was still trying to control his emotions so he could deliver the sad news. "Makino, from what they told me Doumyouji was shot in the back when he tried to shield you from the gunfire. I still haven't gone to see him. My flight arrived late last night so I visited you first."
"That idiot thinks too much of himself! I want to see him right now," Makino ordered, still wincing. She mumbled, "If stupidity had a name."
Rui held her shoulders back. Unable to hold it any longer, a tear slid down his cheek. "Makino, Tsukasa died yesterday. The bullets hit his heart, lungs, and liver. You were unconscious already before he died from gunshot wounds. I'm so sorry."
Makino's eyes glazed with unshed tears and became pale. Rui hugged her, unable to bear to see her so helpless and fragile. She was trembling as she cried silently for Doumyouji and her loss. They clung to each other, comforting each other as they both cried silently.
It was Rui who broke the embrace. "Tsukushi, there is one more thing that I need to tell you." He took a shaky breath and plunged. "When you fell from the landing while trying to escape with Tsukasa, you hit your head on the pavement and lost consciousness. You had hemorrhaged badly as a result from the fall. Makino Tsukushi, you were already two months pregnant. The paramedics arrived late and by then there was nothing that they could do. You had a miscarriage, the baby was too little for it to survive."
Makino Tsukushi broke down completely, pulling off all the IV lines from her wrist, and throwing the vase of flowers from the night table on the floor. "No! No! No! That's not true! Bring me to Tsukasa! You're lying! How could you lie to me! I hate you! I want to die!"
Rui tried to restrain her to prevent Makino from injuring herself further. "Go ahead and cry. Cry it out of your system. That's not true, you don't want to die. Tsukasa sacrificed himself so you could live. So you must live."
Upon hearing Doumyouji's name, Makino calmed down a little but the torrent of tears continued. She held on to Rui and cried on his chest. "How can I go on without him? I'm so lost without him. And the baby, we had a baby..." She grasped at Rui's sleeve.
It pained him to watch her anguish, at the same time feeling the loss of his childhood friend. He placed his hand on her wet cheek. "He gave you another chance in life. Live, don't waste it."
CHAPTER 5
For a couple of days, I watched over her. I was afraid for her. Whenever she would wake up, she would look straight ahead as if there were no people in front of her. She rarely answers questions, with her voice barely a whisper, and would not even acknowledge those who came to visit her. Even her parents don't know what to do.
A hand reached out from across the table. "Hanazawa san, I know how close the two of you were before. You're the only one who can help her now," Makino Cheiko said pleadingly, her voice cracking.
I sighed. "I'll do everything to shoulder all her pain right now. But this is something that only she can help herself with. If she will do her part, I can definitely do mine."
"Please do, Rui," her mother replied. Her tears flowing again, I sat beside Makino's mother and gave her the little comfort I could offer.
It was during this time when Doumyouji's mother and sister arrived. Never would I have guessed what Doumyouji Kaede had planned to say.
There was a knock on the door. I opened it, expecting it to be Soujiro or Akira. It was Tsubaki and Doumyouji Kaede.
"Good afternoon, Auntie," I bowed to Doumyouji Kaede respectfully and stepped back to let them in. Tsubaki was already in tears and hugged me as a way of greeting. "How is she, Rui?"
Still puzzled as to why Doumyouji Kaede would visit Makino, I replied, "She's not doing very well. Makino has been conscious already but ever since I broke the news to her, all she does is stare ahead and rarely talks to people. She's still not eating." We all look at Makino, who was awake and lying on her side. I glanced at Doumyouji Kaede. She looks like she lost weight, and looks tired, with black circles under her puffy eyes.
Ignoring Makino's mother, who stood up when they entered the room. Doumyouji Kaede went to the other side of her bed. Upon seeing her, Makino asked tonelessly, "What do you want?"
The empress of the Doumyouji Group of companies lifted her chin slightly and arched an eyebrow. "Look at yourself, lying there all pitiful and useless. My son would have been ashamed to see you right now. Never have I seen such a weak and fragile person. I expect you to live up to the memory of the person of whom my son had so loved so much."
"Mother," Tsubaki exclaimed, shocked by her mother's words. I laid my hand on Tsubaki's shoulder, urging her to keep quiet. Unbelievably, Doumyouji Kaede is trying to help Makino.
"How dare you go over my daughter's room and insult her like that!" Makino's mother raised her voice.
Still ignoring Makino Cheiko, Doumyouji Kaede locked eyes with Makino. "I want to talk to her alone." I escorted Tsubaki and Aunt Cheiko out of the room who were both hesitant to leave.
"Mrs. Makino," Tsubaki started to say, her hand on Mrs. Makino's arm. "I'm so sorry about what happened to Tsukushi. I'm also sorry for my mother's outburst. We came here to tell you and Tsukushi that Tsukasa's remains were cremated yesterday and that we'll be transferring his ashes in our mausoleum tomorrow."
"I am sorry, dear," Mrs. Makino replied, sighing heavily. "I was so worried over Tsukushi that I did not even bother to send you our condolences. How is your mother holding up? I can imagine how she must feel."
"She refuses to eat and doesn't leave her room. She turned over her responsibilities to her CEO. I can sometimes hear her crying Tsukasa's name."
Doumyouji is blaming herself with Tsukasa's demise. I could only surmise that she came here not to blame Tsukushi but to ask forgiveness.
CHAPTER 6
"Tsukasa's remains were cremated yesterday. We will be moving his ashes tomorrow inside the family mausoleum. I expect you to be there." And without another word, Doumyouji Kaede turned around and walked out of the room.
After a few moments, Tsubaki, Aunt Cheiko, and I went inside. Tsubaki went to Tsukushi and hugged her. "Tsukushi, how are you? I'm sorry I couldn't visit you earlier. We were preparing for...," she broke off and cried on Tsukushi's shoulder.
They were both hugging and crying, these two women from extreme poles of background. One was the heiress of one of the largest conglomerate of hotels in the world, who grew up surrounded by luxury and opulence, while the other lives a hand-to-mouth existence, who had two jobs to juggle and is still studying. Two equally strong and fearless women brought together by a tragedy.
I turned to Aunt Cheiko. "I think it would be better if you go home and rest, Mrs. Makino. You need to sleep. Don't worry, I'll be up all night to watch over her."
Tsukushi's mother was reluctant to leave but thought it might be better if she rested. "Okay, Hanazawa san," she agreed. "I'll rest tonight. It'll be a busy day tomorrow. Just call me if you need anything." She gathered her things and kissed Tsukushii good night. "Now, you be a good girl. Master Hanazawa will watch over you. I'll be going home to rest and bring your things tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow, Tsubaki." She kissed me before she went out of the door. "Thank you for always being there for her, Rui."
I closed the door and sat down on the sofa. Tsubaki kissed Tsukushi on the forehead and bade her good night. "Rui, I'll be heading for home now. I'll be seeing the two of you tomorrow."
I stood up and went over Tsukushi's bed. Her eyes were still glazed with tears. She was holding out her hand to me. "Thank you, Rui. For being here with me." I brought her hand up my cheek and closed my eyes. "Always, I'll be here always."
It is autumn again here in New York. This is my favorite time of the year. It is such a sight to behold---the bronzed and golden leaves falling from the trees creating a blanket of tranquility that precedes the inevitability of winter.
Change...that is what autumn represents for me. Change and hope that someday, after the beautiful but lonely winter, spring with its vibrancy and life will flourish once more.
It is during this time when I think about you more often. Fate has never been kind to me. I have lost something that has never been mine in the first place. And that is you.
My heart had been broken so many times over because you were in love with somebody else. That alone was painful enough. But it was my bestfriend whom I treated as a brother you fell in love with. It was exquisite pain whenever I would witness you two holding hands or exchanging a fleeting kiss whenever you two thought no one was looking. I had to witness all of it.
I was happy for you and him. I know that I would always be just a friend to you. And I get hurt whenever I would see you cry over him. If I could just kiss your troubles aw.ay, I would. I would never make you cry.
That day when I asked you to migrate with me, I have long wanted to ask you that. And when I kissed you, I felt it right then. You were never meant to be mine. Your heart belongs to him. And I accepted it, it was fate. But the rage in my heart that I could not love you destroyed me completely.
I helped him get back together with you. I saw you regain the radiance in your smile, and it palliated my agony somehow. Just before leaving to surprise you in Barcelona, I threatened him: that I would take you away from him forever if he breaks your heart again. I meant every word of that.
So I left our homeland, having done my part to bring your happiness. I have tried to gain mine through the years. I acquired my masteral degree in Economics in NYU. At the same time, I was fortunate enough to be granted a full scholarship in Julliard. I set up my own consultation firm based in New York and have just recently expanded in Chicago and San Francisco. Right now, I am also promoting an album that I made which carries most of the compositions in violin that I've written and compiled over the years.
Despite what most people say, I never saw myself as successful. For me, killiing myself with so many things to do numbs me as I go home to my flat. I am constantly surrounded by beautiful people and things, yet I still yearn for your exquisite smile. I have never forgotten you, your smile, nor the way you moved me.
I wonder how you are getting along with him. But I never asked about you during my overseas calls to the other F4. It's not that I've forgotten, it's because I still haven't.
CHAPTER 2
I was on my way to work when I received a call from my cellphone.
What he told me had left me standing in the middle of Wall Street for ten minutes after he had hung up. I immediately called the office and told my secretary to cancel all my meetings that day and to book me the earliest flight to Taipei.
An international group of terrorists had taken hostage of you and Tsukasa while you two were touring Athens. After Tsukasa's mother paid the terrorists, they decided to kill you two so there would be no witnesses. The Interpol barely arrived in time to save you two but they had already killed Tsukasa in his effort to save you. You were unconscious then so you didn't know what had happened yet. You lost both Tsukasa and the baby.
They wanted me to break the news to you. You'll be regaining consciousness soon.
CHAPTER 3
You were alone when I visited the hospital that morning. Soujiro and Akira had gone home after spending the night there to watch over you. The blinds were shut and the only source of light came from a table lamp at the corner of the room. Your parents were still on their way from the mainland. You were sleeping peacefully; you looked so pale yet serene.
I just stood there infront of your bed, with a lump in my throat. Why do these things always happen to you? If only I could shoulder all these for you. You've carried the weight of the world on your shoulders for so long. You are the epitome of inner strength and determination. You are the person whom I have wanted to become. That's why I left everything here in Japan, to start over on my own without the prestige nor money that my family had. And now this.
I am so afraid that may be this would truly break your strong, brave spirit. And it was my task to inform you. I was musing these thoughts and was about to turn around to get coffee outside when I heard your voice.
CHAPTER 4
"Rui," she whispered, while she sat up. She looked around the room and then at her hospital gown. "Where am I?"
Rui moved closer to the bed and gently laid his hand upon hers. "Makino, you're in the hospital. You're safe now. Thank God, you're alive and well."
Then she remembered. She covered her face with her hands and gave a long mournful wail. "No, no, no! Where is Tsukasa? Bring me to Doumyouji!" Makino tried to get out of the bed but almost fell on the floor if not for Rui. The stitches on her shoulder and thigh hurt.
"What happened to Tsukasa?" Makino was crying uncontrollably on Rui's chest.
Hanazawa Rui was still trying to control his emotions so he could deliver the sad news. "Makino, from what they told me Doumyouji was shot in the back when he tried to shield you from the gunfire. I still haven't gone to see him. My flight arrived late last night so I visited you first."
"That idiot thinks too much of himself! I want to see him right now," Makino ordered, still wincing. She mumbled, "If stupidity had a name."
Rui held her shoulders back. Unable to hold it any longer, a tear slid down his cheek. "Makino, Tsukasa died yesterday. The bullets hit his heart, lungs, and liver. You were unconscious already before he died from gunshot wounds. I'm so sorry."
Makino's eyes glazed with unshed tears and became pale. Rui hugged her, unable to bear to see her so helpless and fragile. She was trembling as she cried silently for Doumyouji and her loss. They clung to each other, comforting each other as they both cried silently.
It was Rui who broke the embrace. "Tsukushi, there is one more thing that I need to tell you." He took a shaky breath and plunged. "When you fell from the landing while trying to escape with Tsukasa, you hit your head on the pavement and lost consciousness. You had hemorrhaged badly as a result from the fall. Makino Tsukushi, you were already two months pregnant. The paramedics arrived late and by then there was nothing that they could do. You had a miscarriage, the baby was too little for it to survive."
Makino Tsukushi broke down completely, pulling off all the IV lines from her wrist, and throwing the vase of flowers from the night table on the floor. "No! No! No! That's not true! Bring me to Tsukasa! You're lying! How could you lie to me! I hate you! I want to die!"
Rui tried to restrain her to prevent Makino from injuring herself further. "Go ahead and cry. Cry it out of your system. That's not true, you don't want to die. Tsukasa sacrificed himself so you could live. So you must live."
Upon hearing Doumyouji's name, Makino calmed down a little but the torrent of tears continued. She held on to Rui and cried on his chest. "How can I go on without him? I'm so lost without him. And the baby, we had a baby..." She grasped at Rui's sleeve.
It pained him to watch her anguish, at the same time feeling the loss of his childhood friend. He placed his hand on her wet cheek. "He gave you another chance in life. Live, don't waste it."
CHAPTER 5
For a couple of days, I watched over her. I was afraid for her. Whenever she would wake up, she would look straight ahead as if there were no people in front of her. She rarely answers questions, with her voice barely a whisper, and would not even acknowledge those who came to visit her. Even her parents don't know what to do.
A hand reached out from across the table. "Hanazawa san, I know how close the two of you were before. You're the only one who can help her now," Makino Cheiko said pleadingly, her voice cracking.
I sighed. "I'll do everything to shoulder all her pain right now. But this is something that only she can help herself with. If she will do her part, I can definitely do mine."
"Please do, Rui," her mother replied. Her tears flowing again, I sat beside Makino's mother and gave her the little comfort I could offer.
It was during this time when Doumyouji's mother and sister arrived. Never would I have guessed what Doumyouji Kaede had planned to say.
There was a knock on the door. I opened it, expecting it to be Soujiro or Akira. It was Tsubaki and Doumyouji Kaede.
"Good afternoon, Auntie," I bowed to Doumyouji Kaede respectfully and stepped back to let them in. Tsubaki was already in tears and hugged me as a way of greeting. "How is she, Rui?"
Still puzzled as to why Doumyouji Kaede would visit Makino, I replied, "She's not doing very well. Makino has been conscious already but ever since I broke the news to her, all she does is stare ahead and rarely talks to people. She's still not eating." We all look at Makino, who was awake and lying on her side. I glanced at Doumyouji Kaede. She looks like she lost weight, and looks tired, with black circles under her puffy eyes.
Ignoring Makino's mother, who stood up when they entered the room. Doumyouji Kaede went to the other side of her bed. Upon seeing her, Makino asked tonelessly, "What do you want?"
The empress of the Doumyouji Group of companies lifted her chin slightly and arched an eyebrow. "Look at yourself, lying there all pitiful and useless. My son would have been ashamed to see you right now. Never have I seen such a weak and fragile person. I expect you to live up to the memory of the person of whom my son had so loved so much."
"Mother," Tsubaki exclaimed, shocked by her mother's words. I laid my hand on Tsubaki's shoulder, urging her to keep quiet. Unbelievably, Doumyouji Kaede is trying to help Makino.
"How dare you go over my daughter's room and insult her like that!" Makino's mother raised her voice.
Still ignoring Makino Cheiko, Doumyouji Kaede locked eyes with Makino. "I want to talk to her alone." I escorted Tsubaki and Aunt Cheiko out of the room who were both hesitant to leave.
"Mrs. Makino," Tsubaki started to say, her hand on Mrs. Makino's arm. "I'm so sorry about what happened to Tsukushi. I'm also sorry for my mother's outburst. We came here to tell you and Tsukushi that Tsukasa's remains were cremated yesterday and that we'll be transferring his ashes in our mausoleum tomorrow."
"I am sorry, dear," Mrs. Makino replied, sighing heavily. "I was so worried over Tsukushi that I did not even bother to send you our condolences. How is your mother holding up? I can imagine how she must feel."
"She refuses to eat and doesn't leave her room. She turned over her responsibilities to her CEO. I can sometimes hear her crying Tsukasa's name."
Doumyouji is blaming herself with Tsukasa's demise. I could only surmise that she came here not to blame Tsukushi but to ask forgiveness.
CHAPTER 6
"Tsukasa's remains were cremated yesterday. We will be moving his ashes tomorrow inside the family mausoleum. I expect you to be there." And without another word, Doumyouji Kaede turned around and walked out of the room.
After a few moments, Tsubaki, Aunt Cheiko, and I went inside. Tsubaki went to Tsukushi and hugged her. "Tsukushi, how are you? I'm sorry I couldn't visit you earlier. We were preparing for...," she broke off and cried on Tsukushi's shoulder.
They were both hugging and crying, these two women from extreme poles of background. One was the heiress of one of the largest conglomerate of hotels in the world, who grew up surrounded by luxury and opulence, while the other lives a hand-to-mouth existence, who had two jobs to juggle and is still studying. Two equally strong and fearless women brought together by a tragedy.
I turned to Aunt Cheiko. "I think it would be better if you go home and rest, Mrs. Makino. You need to sleep. Don't worry, I'll be up all night to watch over her."
Tsukushi's mother was reluctant to leave but thought it might be better if she rested. "Okay, Hanazawa san," she agreed. "I'll rest tonight. It'll be a busy day tomorrow. Just call me if you need anything." She gathered her things and kissed Tsukushii good night. "Now, you be a good girl. Master Hanazawa will watch over you. I'll be going home to rest and bring your things tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow, Tsubaki." She kissed me before she went out of the door. "Thank you for always being there for her, Rui."
I closed the door and sat down on the sofa. Tsubaki kissed Tsukushi on the forehead and bade her good night. "Rui, I'll be heading for home now. I'll be seeing the two of you tomorrow."
I stood up and went over Tsukushi's bed. Her eyes were still glazed with tears. She was holding out her hand to me. "Thank you, Rui. For being here with me." I brought her hand up my cheek and closed my eyes. "Always, I'll be here always."