Old-fic from 2012, now revised.
Originally a songfic, so please listen to No Fear by The Rasmus before/while reading.
The End of a Dream
I watched as you drank up your Innocence which had melted into liquid, morphed into a new shape none of us could have foreseen. I could see it hurt like Hell when it broke through your flesh and went on to integrate into your very being, but you were afraid and desperate and didn't want your world to lose any more of its pieces. It was time for you to wake up and stretch your wings and see if they could hold you up – make you better, faster, stronger. Like the ugly duckling, though you were never anything but beautiful. You wanted the power to protect your world, and so Innocence's power granted your wish. I could only watch when it merged with your body (with your blood, burrowing deeper than ever before), and evolved into something completely unique. And so there were more bonds that tied you up in this endless battle between Light and Darkness.
Until now you could have shut your eyes, having kept them only half-open so far, peeking through your eyelashes, and stealing glimpses – growing bolder and bolder (or more afraid and desperate – afraid to miss anything in fear of losing someone, yet again) as more time passed. But now you decided to open them up wide, truly face the grim reality you were more than halfway immersed in, to never be shut closed again. And because I was an idiot, I had tried to cover your eyes (just like your brother), thinking that was what you truly desired, wished, wanted. But instead of denial, you wanted to move forward and I just couldn't stop you (I was too far away to be of any help, like before, on the sea). And now there's no turning back anymore. Our destiny was chosen for us by the enemy we decided to fight against in the name of the God. We put our lives at stake for the supposed to be bright future and we may (will) meet our ends in the hands of Akuma, the countless reapers we continue to defy. But what else can we Exorcists expect? We are just doing our job as the chosen Apostles of God (but this was also our own choice, which I'd forgotten).
Darkness really was an Exorcist's destination, even though we were supposed to be the Bishops of Light on this grand chessboard of a world. We live (fight) for the distant day when we finally get rid of the Millennium Earl, conquer the one destroying this world with his Akuma machines, once and for all. Heads and hands held high we continue our endless battle against his endless minions, knowing that every breath we take might be the last one, that there might not be tomorrow for us (but on the other hand there is no 'past'for us, either). Fear wasn't allowed. Saviors aren't supposed to be afraid of anything, even if they're covered in the very blood of their dead comrades, even if they're the last ones still standing, even if it seems that Hope has been snuffed out. We cannot give up; we have no choice left anymore for we had chosen this path we are walking by ourselves. Betrayers are punished by Innocence, with the Wrath of God (you remember Suman, right? Oh, sorry. Stupid question, of course you do).
The truth is not always a nice thing, you know. Ordinary people can live in a world made of sweet illusions, but we can't enjoy of such a luxury (since it is because of us they can keep on dreaming – we are a living shield made to protect those sweet and innocent dreams). We have to face the cruelest side of reality. Eventually, everyone won't make it – they break because the truth can be just like a poisoned knife in their heart, destroying them little by little from inside. But most of us can make it through, and survive. And once you have accepted the truth, there is no turning back. Dreams won't help because we are not allowed to dream anymore, only to do our best to struggle against the merciless onslaught that the reality hammers us constantly with until we (get stronger) crumble. Only lies are allowed as a small reprieve, and because of those, in the end we will be as dirty as the enemy we are fighting. (Ironic, isn't it?) We are the ones to walk the thin edge between Light and Dark, balancing on that Grey strip oh so carefully, and gradually becoming tainted, our only hope being getting cleansed, purified, absolved in the end as a reward for our sacrifices.
Now is the last moment you can turn back, and return into the reality less cruel and dirty than this.
You don't have to open up your beautiful eyes, you can force your eyes shut, and forget you ever wrenched them open, keep on dreaming without need for the lies we others comfort ourselves with, to enjoy the slivers of fantasy the minds less tainted with continuous nightmares are capable of creating. But if you've made your decision, truly, so will it be (we all have our own reasons to fight; now you got yours). No one can protect you anymore – you are on your own now, and your survival will be up to you and you only. Because from here on you will really be fighting with all your might, a true being of this world turned into a living nightmare. And you won't be freed from it, not until both your mind and your body will give up, completely. From here to eternity and beyond, you will have no right for self-doubt or reconsideration, and your only comfort will be the faintest shimmer of hope, your wavering beacon of Light working as your guide in the never ending battlefield of Dark you're about to step into.
So please, Lenalee – make your decision carefully…