This whole ordeal had cost Kaneki more than he ever would have bargained for. Unfortunately, it began with the absence of his humanity, and his eventual erosion of his sanity. Often times he found himself wondering which he would rather have back.

His humanity? What good would it do, though? One who was as insane as Kaneki, human or ghoul, to be tossed into society would only be shunned, would they not? Humanity wasn't a one way acceptance.

His sanity? Live as a ghoul, feed off of the living, yet be aware and conscience of the cruel acts being committed? Then again, a ghoul never thought of his feeding habits as "cruel", did they?"

Prior to Jason, he eventually grew a sort of acceptance regarding who or what he was. Truth is, he wasn't entirely sure of himself, not his species or anything of the sort, but his ignorance kept him safe somewhat.

Then he was taken by the Agori and tortured like an animal.

That ordeal had cost him one more thing, one more precious valuable thing that many took for granted, just as they happened to take both their sanity and humanity for granted. Jason had humiliated him more than he ever could have imagined.

He'd taken his virginity.

Because the pain was all the same to begin with, Kaneki hadn't registered what was happening him until hours later, with his pants soaked with blood and semen, messily put back on. There were bruises on his body, and they weren't only from the blows that Jason had reigned down upon him. They were from rough calloused hands grabbing at his thin arms, and from raw bite marks on his neck, all lacking any actual pressure to break the skin. They were from sharp nails digging into his pale thighs as they climbed into forbidden regions, and from an aching sensation that welled within him as he recalled the way that Oomori tore into his virgin flesh. They were from from kisses that had become love marks, yet they were void of love.

Saliva had dried on his neck and joined the ranks of sweat and grime. Kaneki's tears could only wash what they could touch.

That was weeks ago, weeks buried deep in the back of his mind. Or so he had thought. But the smallest, most casual things tended to be the biggest triggers.

He couldn't keep a single cup off coffee down, and each drop saw him running to the restroom, and emptying the contents of his stomach as if it were actual human food. There as a growing, gnawing sensation within him, almost like a feral virus that kept him from eating what was healthy for him. It was zapping away his strength, it was making him weak.

Kaneki couldn't be weak! He was a leader now, he had to protect those he loved. If he couldn't eat, he couldn't get strong, his friends would die and it would be his fault.

The guilt was killing him and the guilt had been the main source of his sudden absence. He had to leave the ghouls until he could find out what his problem was. It hurt, to have to depart from Hinami-chan, and Banjou-san and even Tsyukiyama, but his condition had to be kept from them.

Don't look for me. Something came up, I'll be back when I can fix it.

-Kaneki

That was the last thing he left them with.

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He didn't make it two hours without collapsing in some alley way out of pure exhaustion. He lay there for hours, baking under the sun, panting from dehydration and whimpering from the hunger aches that whirled inside of his stomach. However, he could ignore pain for a while.

But than an aching sensation began to dully pulsate within his abdomen. At first, it was bearable, and due to the amount of pain he'd suffered in the past few months, he could shake it off easily.

Then it got slightly irritating, like a mosquito bite that he couldn't itch.

And then it evolved to something more agonizing, like knife twisting the into his abdomen. The pain grew intense, so intense that he had to bite down on his lip to prevent him from screaming himself hoarse.

His dark finger nails clawed at the fabric above his abdomen as he felt something slice through his organs. His lip was bleeding now, as his teeth had punctured the skin.

He was panting like a dog, and the tears had steadily begun to leak out of the corners of his eyes.

The starvation was doing this to him...but if he ate, he couldn't even hold down his food! What the hell was wrong with him?

The pain dulled his sense of hearing, as he was still squirming on the floor like a worm. When suddenly, a tall body loomed over him. I

"Kaneki...?" The voice came from a figure standing above Kaneki, who now fell to its knees and placed it's hand on the ghoul's arm.

The scent filled Kaneki's nostrils, and while his stomach yearned to have the helpless human dissolving within it's thick acids, Kaneki's heart forbade him from so much as licking the man above him.

"H-Hide..." It was a painful gasp, pleading and full of despair.

"Kaneki! What's wrong?! Are you hurt?" Warm hands began to grope around the ghouls body, and the smell of blood pulsating underneath the pale skin sent Kaneki into a salivating frenzy, "Man, you've been gone for ages! No one knows where you've been!"

The white haired ghoul's one eye shined with a deep crimson, and though Hide had seen the eye transform more than once, it still disturbed him. However, he pushed his fear to the back of his brain, and continued to search around his friend's body for a physical source of injury. He could find none.

The ghoul shook in pain.

"Calm down Kaneki," his voice dropped and slowed, soothing and calm. The ghoul began to breath steadily as his pale hands wrapped around that of his friends.

"Yeah, just breath like that," continued Hide, "You need to tell me what's wrong, okay. That way I can go get help."

The ghoul began to pant as he struggled to speak, "I-it h-hurts," he gasped as his free hand twisted into the fabric of his clothing just above his abdomen.

Hide blinked, and slowly placed a hand atop of Kaneki's stomach, "Here? Is it hunger? When was the last time you ate?"

"C-can't eat," Kaneki whispered in pain, "i-I'll just t-throw it up..."
Hide sighed as his friend continued to squirm, though not as rapidly as before. The pain was getting to him.

"You probably need to try and keep it down," Hide removed his hand from Kaneki's grasp, "There's nothing here for you to eat...I don't know how long..." The human looked at himself, and then at his sleeve, "Kaneki, do you-"
"N-no!" He pushed at Hide with far more strength then he believed he could muster, as the man went flying to the opposite wall.

The sudden adrenaline rush worked to his advantage, and despite the pain, Kaneki stood with the grace of a newborn deer, and made to leave. He looked at Hide, who was dazed from the impact against the wall.

"S-sorry H-Hide, I-I c-can't eat you" he coughed as he turned away, and took his leave.

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A day later, Hide was out of the hospital and into the darker areas of the 20th ward. Kaneki's tiny burst of fear had resulted in a few injuries on Hide's part, including a fractured tail bone. Luckily, the ton load of drugs he'd taken had alleviated the pain for a few hours. That was all he needed to find Kaneki.

He was very aware that he was like a droplet of blood floating happily in an ocean full of sharks, but be it the medicine pumping through his veins or his will to find his ailing friend, he did not know, but he felt little to no fear at the moment.

Occasionally, he ran into a few people who loitered in the dark alleys. He asked them if they'd seen Kaneki, and the name seemed to weigh upon their heads like some sort of warning. They were very quick when answering, and most hadn't seen him.

Kaneki's reputation wasn't helping Hide find him, and when the moon began to shine through the alley ways, the blond figured that he would call of his search and resume it the next day. Besides, the pain from his lower back was starting to return.

But than he heard it, a low gurgling sound, followed by a sort of sorrowful sobbing. Hide heard it from an another alley way while he was standing out in the open, but quickly he migrated to the source of the noise.

As he ventured into the alley way, he could smell the tangy scent of blood, and with the moon hanging high above him, it's reflection shined in the amber liquid. Kaneki gulped as he forced his eyes to focus on the form cloaked in the darkness.

The sobbing was growing louder and more hysterical, the gurgling grew more painful

Hide ran over to the figure before he was even certain that it was Kaneki, careful to dodge the large puddles of crimson liquid beneath him.

The blond fell to his knees before the ghoul, and one single red eye stared into his darker ones. It was tired, void of life of determination. That scared Hide more than the eye itself.

"Come on," he said, as he slipped his arm around the figure, "Let's go home—to my place I mean—we'll figure out where to go from there."

Kaneki said nothing, rather, he couldn't say anything. The one red eye rolled to the back of his head, and he slumped forward unto Hide.

Biting back a painful cry as his tailbone screamed in agony. the human dragged his ghoulish counterpart into the open, and with the moon once again above him, he suddenly realized that the blood which stained the concrete belonged to none other than Kaneki. The smell was the same, the consistency was the same.

Where it came from exactly, he didn't know. Perahps Kaneki was suffering from an injury, but he'd tend to him when they got out of the alley ways.