Hey guys. I'm new here, so I'm just figuring out all this stuff. Please forgive me if I forget something or miss the obvious. Thanks. :)

Disclaimer: Except for Lily R., I do not own any of the HP characters, places, etc. I merely play with them and mess with their lives and sanity. The list is also sadly not mine. A friend found it online and emailed it to a friend who emailed it to a friend who sent it to me.

Rated barely T because of mentioned not-so-graphic violence and because I can't write romance. At all. Which is why there is none.

I cocked my head and listened to the battle going on just outside the Great Hall. Oh, good. The screams and bangs were winding down. At last. A Gryffindor would be out there, casting spells at those idiot Death Eaters. No doubt that stuck-up Potter and his friends were. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs probably would be, too. Quite a few of my House's people, the Slytherins, would be duking it out as well, but on the other side. But me? Nah, this wasn't my fight. I wasn't on anybody's side but my own. Harsh, yes, but I saw no point in taking sides in something I had no part in. Besides, Hogwarts was going to win anyway, with or without my help.

I finished the final tweak on my special project. I chuckled to myself. This is gonna be so awesome.

I grabbed my wand and any evidence that I was there, and scrambled behind my House's big banner.

I cackled silently to myself as I imagined the look on ol' Dumbly's face when my prank would literally explode in his face. I checked my wristwatch, one of the only awesome things Muggles came up with, right behind explosives and pranking. And pizza, of course. I loved pizza. My special time-keeping device was modified from those dull ones people normally use, of course. I flipped through the settings until I came to "Alarm." Instead of a time popping up, there was a list of various objects. I kept looking through those until I came across the one labeled "DumblysSurprise," and waited.

Minutes passed. I was considering stretching my legs when I heard footsteps echoing in the cavernous Hall.

I hovered my finger over the Start/Stop button, listening closely. When I decided the footsteps were in position, or at least close enough, I pressed the button and peeked out to see my carefully-set plans come to life.

Fireworks screamed and whirled around, trailing green and silver sparks. Several emerald-green slinkies with felt forked tongues and googly eyes bounced around on the tables. A giant banner unfurled on the wall right behind the head table, saying "Potter Needs a Potty, Dumbly is Bumbly. Slytherin Rules!" Paintbrushes flew around, painting everything in sight green, especially the Gryffindor table and banner.

I laughed and stepped out from the banner to get a better glimpse of Dumbles. "Beat that, Weasleys!" I crowed to Fred and George Weasley.

I stopped short. The people in front of me were definitely not Dumbledore and his posse. It was obvious, even though their dark robes and masks were all covered in green paint, silver glitter, and snake stickers. The one in front gained my immediate attention, being tall, red-eyed, and lacking a nose.

"Interesting, a Slytherin prankster," Lord Voldemort said in a snake-y voice to a Death Eater, taking in the Great Hall's new decor. "I was under the impression the only Hogwarts troublemakers were the Weasley boys."

Even though I was terrified my pride broke through. "Those Weasleys have nothing on me," I said, straightening indignantly. I quickly hunched back down again when he turned to me. "My Lord," I hastily added.

"Name and blood-status?" he asked one of his cronies next to him.

Squinting a little to see past the paint and the mask, I recognized the other guy as none other than Lucius Malfoy, father of one of the most annoying kids on the planet. (He was the only one that stood like he's got a stick up his rear.) "Oh, hey, Mr. Malfoy," I said. "Fancy seeing you here."

Mr. Malfoy glared at me. "My Lord, this is Lilian Ranunculus. Currently the school's record-holder for most detentions, topped only by all four Marauders combined."

I raised my eyebrows a bit. I knew I got in trouble a lot, but hey, that's the price of fame. And all four Marauders together? Wow. I. Am. Awesome.

Some Death Eater said, "Ranunculus? My son told me about what you did to those seventh years. Brilliant."

Voldemort asked Malfoy, "Daughter of Jackson and Lydia Ranunculus? The one who strung the Ravenclaws up by their toes and toasted marshmallows over a fire of their Muggle Studies books?"

I blinked. The Dark Lord himself knew the details of one of my exploits. It was one of my finest, in my opinion, but still. The Dark Lord knew of my pranks. That was really creepy.

I wisely neglected to mention that the Muggle Studies books had been way out of date anyway. I didn't want to have to explain how I knew that.

"Yes, my Lord. Though, my Lord," Malfoy Sr. added hesitantly, "I-I don't think-" He cut off as Voldemort's head swiveled to look at him.

"You don't think what, Lucius?" he asked softly. Dangerously.

I gained some guts and cut off Mr. Malfoy before he could speak. "What Lucy is trying to say is he doesn't like me and would really rather I die here and now." I turned to face Malfoy. "Dude, get over it! That ended two months ago when Draco paid off the bet!"

Malfoy's face went red, almost purple, I noted with interest. He seemed about to say something, but was interrupted again.

"Really? He paid up? I've been trying to get that brat to do that for years!" Another Death Eater exclaimed.

"It was really quite easy," I said smugly. "All I had to do was charm a stuffed animal ferret to hover behind him, announcing his arrival to whatever room he entered by saying, 'Bow down to the Amazing Bouncing Ferret!' and then singing Muggle circus music I got off some half-blood. He cracked and paid after almost a week."

Some random Death Eater butted in. "What was the bet and how much did he lose?"

I smirked. "I bet him fifty Galleons I could stuff fifty quills up Pansy Parkinson's left nostril. Then I shrunk the quills. It was too easy." Why I was telling them this stuff, I don't know. Probably so I could keep them entertained long enough for them not to Avada me.

Lord Voldemort had been watching us speak and finally entered the conversation. "Enough." Or not. "Lilian Ranunculus, what do you say to joining my cause?"

Whoa. Did not see that coming.

I thought it over. Join and be given a chance to annoy the heck out of Voldemort or die? It was quite an easy choice. "Sure." But I had to add, "Do I have to go and kill people all the time while looking all scary? 'Cause I'm better at just getting on everybody's nerves. Ooh! I could be your backup questioner! I'll bug them 'til they spill!" With that I let out a cackle as I schemed.

He bought it. "Very well." With that he turned and- CRACK- was gone. All the other Death Eaters Disapparated as well, the last one grabbing my arm and whisking me into darkness.

I wonder what Potter would do if he lost his popularity and fandom because of a certain girl causing Voldemort to die of irritation and embarrassment. Hmm.

With that last thought I entered a new stage of my life and a new purpose:

101 Ways to Bother Voldy

Oh yes, and to survive. That was important, too.

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