Chapter 1: It's comfortable
It's late.
I should get up, but I can't bring myself too.
This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, yet I'm frozen, laying on my side still covered in my beige duvet, staring out of the window up into the sky. Today it's a beautiful blue, spots of clouds scattered as far as the window pane will allow me to see and not a drop of rain threatening to fall. It's a very large window, matching my spacious bedroom. Due to my soon to be husband's money, we can afford luxuries like this marvellous house. I was once grateful, but now I feel like it's swallowing me.
I was only a simple girl. I am a simple girl. I don't ask for much; I don't own many possessions. My father calls me a pure soul.
To this day I can't fathom what he means.
I sigh.
He is a very cryptic old man.
A beautiful vase is full of roses perched on the window, tall, in a long crystal vase. The sunlight glimmering through the misshapen shards. I was given them yesterday, a gift from Zack. A lovely man. A strong, handsome man, I know he'll never hurt me. He wouldn't ever make me feel unwanted or unloved, but as I stare at the roses I feel nothing. No affection, just a reminder that he cares for me far more than I will ever care for him. I suppose I loved him once. A long time ago. He was my high school sweetheart after all.
It was great for the first couple of years.
Being young and in love had its perks.
It was comfortable.
Being with Zack was comfortable. It was what my mother and father had wanted; For me to settle down. So, I did. I settled down with Zack, so when he proposed to me not even a year ago I said yes.
It was in the gardens of the town hall, beautiful rose bushes, bright green grass, and not another soul around to witness our tender moment. I was dressed in a beautiful lilac dress, that hung loosely on my hips and fell a few inches short of my knees. Zack was dressed smartly in black ironed trousers and a white shirt. He had taken his blazer off and had been carrying it around for a while as we talked. Then all of a sudden, underneath an arch of roses, he got down on one knee and asked for my hand in marriage. I had put my hand over my heart, gasped, smiled, and accepted. He was overjoyed and took me into his arms, swung me around and kissed me deeply. As he pulled away tears were threatening to fall, and when he finally slipped the ring on my delicate finger, I had realised I made a huge mistake.
It had felt like more of a padlock than a piece of jewellery.
I play with the ring around my finger, taking the focus off my roses. It's a beautiful ring. Diamond, radiant cut, thin silver band, fits my finger perfectly.
Though the weight it bears is unmeasurable. It sinks my hand into the bed and I can't pull it up. I try and I try. It's impossible.
"Beth dear, what are you still doing in bed?" I gasp. Clutching my hand to my chest as my mother walks in a pulls the covers off me. I'm still in my nightgown. It covers my thighs just about. I nearly yell as I'm swarmed in goosebumps. She stands at the end of my bed scowling. Arms crossed. She seems to be dressed lovely for the occasion. A floral dress, white hat and cardigan to match, shoes as well.
Always a scowl.
Why can't she be happy to see me?
"You frightened me mother." I say, slowly moving my hand and relaxing my heart.
"I'm sorry dear, but you do have to get ready." I know. "Your hair and make-up specialist are waiting for you. Just have a shower first and comb this awful frizz." She lifts some hair and drops it back to my shoulder, my head jerking, the tangled mess is appalling in her taste; but I like it.
My mother may look posh and coming from money, but truth be told we don't have much in the ways of money, or even owning a property such as this. I'm surprised she's here. It's not even her house. She starts to tap her foot, waiting for me to get up. I sigh and stand, stretching out my back with a pop. She rolls her eyes and walks across the room to the door.
"Don't be long. We have a lot to do today young lady." Now it's my turn to roll my eyes.
She huffs and closes the door on her way out.
I think she's more excited about this day than I am.
I grab my Persian towel and walk to the en suite. It's a large bathroom, three sinks, a huge mirror, a shower unit in the corner and a tub in the middle of the room. I decided to have a shower. I strip, chucking my clothes in the black hamper and turn on the water. It takes a few seconds to warm up so I stand there rubbing my arms waiting. I swing the door shut and let the spray of the warm water wash over my face, covering me. I close my eyes,
keeping them firmly shut and brace my hand on the wall next to me.
Should I be doing this?
I ask myself this question every day.
It's a little different now.
It's my wedding day.
I try and focus and end up having to rewash my hair to make it up to my mother's standards. I climb out and wrap the towel around me, going back to my bed. I sit myself down and slowly dry my body. It's difficult to stop the water droplets from sliding down my skin, in the end I let them and end up brushing and drying my hair as quick as humanly possible. When it's done, I have a long hard look at my body in the mirror. It's almost a laughable situation if I wasn't so terrified.
I look all over my body, even turning it slightly so I can look at my back. I smile when I see my tattoo. A silhouette of a swallow on my right shoulder blade. Zack doesn't like it, neither do my parents but it's my body so I can decorate it how I please. I got it done when I was sixteen by a friend of mine, he was an amazing artist and wanted to go into tattooing. So, I let him practice on me once. It was painful and took about half an hour but I was pleased with what he did.
There's a knocking at my door so I rush over and grab my towel, wrapping it around myself.
"Come in."
It opens.
I plaster on a fake smile.
"You look beautiful."
Zack comes closer and envelops me in his arms, planting a chaste kiss on my cheek. His stubble is growing back making it tickle. He's not even dressed yet, only in his slacks and a loose top. One that I wear frequently, the material is soft and cosy to sleep in. It also makes me look good in his eyes if I wear his clothes. I don't understand that about men, why they think their girlfriends look sexy in their clothes. That's like him wearing my
nightgown, I doubt that would be sexy.
"What are you doing here? Hasn't anyone told you it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?" He chuckles into my hair, breathing in my scent.
"You don't believe in that superstitious nonsense, do you?" He pulls back, keeping his hands firmly on my waist. I hold my towel around me like it's my life line. I don't want him having me here. Not now. I need some time to calm down before I go downstairs and get dolled up for later.
"As a matter of fact, I do." He smirks. "Now go. Out." Zack slowly backs away raising his hands in surrender, his eyes never leaving mine. Trying to convey a look of want and lust. I get a little creeped out.
"Whatever babe, I understand." He's like a little boy lost in a sweetshop and can barely contain his happiness. "I'll see you at the altar." With a final kiss, he departs our room. He usually sleeps in here, but since he wanted me to be comfortable last night, he slept in one of the guest rooms with his group of friends, while I was left all alone.
This life was never for me. I've never been a girl for possessions or trinkets, or large houses and maids and gardeners.
No. Not me at all. If it was my decision and be living in a little house out in the country, with maybe a few horses and a dog by my side.
Ten minutes later I'm descending the stairs into the living room. A group of ladies are sat around on the couple of sofas and chairs. Including the make-up artist, hair stylist, my mother and Jacks mother and little sister. They're chattering amongst themselves, sharing sandwiches and tea. I almost snort, but my mother is there. She hardly fits in, just like my father outside on the terrace, helping set up the tables and chairs for this evening dressed in his suit. I hope he doesn't tear it or get it muddy.
"Finally." My mother stands, breaking my eye contact from my father. She motions to the tall brunette woman next to her to get her stuff ready. "We thought you were never going to make it." She wipes her mouth with a napkin and introduces the two women I have yet to meet while the brunette sets up her make-up. "This dear is Lori, and Andrea. They're friends of Zack's parents." I smile and thank them for coming. "Now dear, why don't you get yourself seated and we can get you all prettied up."
I nod and sit down on the stall.
I hate make-up. I usually never wear it.
They put me in a very light coat of everything, knowing my distaste for the stuff and she soon leaves me alone so I can have my hair done. I must say it hurts being pulled around but when she shows me in her small hand mirror I smile. It does look lovely. Its half tied up, and curled, with a beautiful wave.
"I love it!"
"I'm glad you do." She says with a strong Italian accent. "You look stunning." I blush at her compliment and find the courage to turn around and face everyone. I'm met with looks of wonder and widened eyes.
"Oh my dear. You look lovely." My mother cups my face gently, then murmurs to me about not wanting to smudge my make-up. She waves her hands dramatically and can't wipe that grin off her face.
"Do you like it?" I ask, sounding polite, where in my head I'm ripping it off my face and making my hair into the messy look I always have it in.
"You look perfect; Zack will fall even more in love with you."
My stomach drops.
Oh, yeah, Zack, I forgot about him.
I look outside and it looks stunning. I can't wait to let loose and have myself a dance later maybe even put a few drinks in me. I know my friends will. They are always up for making me look silly. I notice Ally. Zack's little sister staring at her dolly shoes. I kneel in front, ignoring the cooing woman and smile up at her. "You look even prettier than me." She smiles. "I'm serious, just look at you." She stats to turn a little pink. "I love your dress Ally."
"Thank you!"
I kiss her cheek.
"Have a dance with me later?" I ask, she giggles and nods excitedly. For a twelve-year-old she sure is a little star.
"Enough doodling." I pull a face at Ally then stand up, wiping my face clean before my mother notices and scolds me. "Where's your dress?"
"Up in my room."
"You should put it on soon. Good god I hope you haven't gained weight."
I can't hide my distaste at her comment. So, what even if I have.
I'm still going to look fabulous.
"Oh come off it mother, it's only a dress." I bite at her.
"Only a dress?" She shares a look with Lori who raises an eyebrow at me. I brace myself and wait for her to finally give me what she wants. "Only a dress, Beth? This is your wedding dress, the most important dress you will ever wear in your entire life. You are getting married to this wonderful young man who is offering you the world, and that dress is the going to be what everyone will notice on that walk down the aisle. So, no young lady, it's not only a dress, it's your goddamn wedding dress; and you will treat it as such." Her breathing is a little heavier and I can't imagine the thoughts running inside her head. For all I know it could be a little voodoo doll of me in a white dress with a pike sticking out of my head.
"Why don't y'all calm down." Offers Lori in a calm voice. She has a slight accent; I'm guessing she's from the south. I'm liking her so far. I hope I get to talk to her more.
"Fine. I'll be downstairs soon; I'm just going to put my wedding dress on." I spite my mother and walk back up the stairs, being careful not to brush my face and smudge my excuse of pale face paint.
Outside of my bedroom door I can hear the guys down the hall. I assume they're smoking, joking with Zack, clapping him on the back, congratulating him on his big day. I snort and open the door, stepping into my room. I suddenly feel cold. I look at my dress in the corner, still wrapped up. I'm dreading putting it on. The mere thought of its making me want to vomit.
I CAN DO THIS!
Self-motivation nearly never works for me.
I try and move my feet, but they're stuck as if the floor is cement I'm sinking into.
I eventually make it to the stand and unzip it.
The dress is beautiful. Slim fit with a beautiful trail, no sleeves and nothing covering my shoulders. My veil is with it. It's a long veil, it'll easily reach the middle of my back. It takes me a couple of minutes to put it on and do up the back. It's zipped up all the way, gripping my chest, sucking the air from my lungs. I fall to my knees, grabbing at my chest, gasping for breath. It hurts. It feels heavy. I try and breathe deeper, taking in as much as I can.
I take more, until I'm breathing semi evenly.
The force wrapping around me is making my stomach churn. I can't bear to look at myself. I wipe the tear that glides over my cheek and stand in the emptiness of my room. Wondering about the decisions I've made, and how I could change this. If I would have done something differently, would I still be here? Standing in this room, waiting to marry him? I remember when we first met. He was the new kid in school, and I was the shy girl who'd rather keep her nose in a book and head down than make friends.
Look at me know.
Dressed up, make-up, ready to walk down the aisle.
The old me would be devastated at what I've become.
The old me would be running out of this building. Sprinting as fast as my feet could carry me. I can picture it now, me running up the path and swinging open the gates out into the road. Standing there, the world spinning as I collapse onto the floor. People screaming. They'd take it as a sudden rush of panic, but I just don't want to marry him.
He's not the man for me.
Maybe if he's not, someone else will be.
It's a shame I'll never be able to find out.
For what feels like hours I'm trapped here. It's only when my father knocks and let's himself in do I take a breath. He looks very handsome. I chuckle and brush a leaf out of his hair. He hugs me tightly and kisses my cheek.
"Such a picture, Beth." He strokes my cheek. "Such a beautiful young lady." It always feels nicer talking to my dad than my mum. With her I never feel validated, my dad understands me though. He just wants me to be happy.
"Thank you daddy." I shudder. "I'm so nervous." I hug him tight, not bothering to take care of my dress.
The sooner I can get it off the better.
"I know. I felt the same way when marrying your mother. I was a mess, honestly. But all those butterflies eventually go when you realise you have them forever. They take all your fears and worries away."
I smile and nod into his shoulder.
"You're so grown up Bethy." He stays with me for a few minutes, just like this.
When he pulls back from our hug he has tears in his eyes, his voice shakes when he talks.
"So how about we go downstairs and show you off to everyone? I'm sure Zack is waiting." I smile and nod enthusiastically.
I take his arm and he leads me out of the house into their very extravagant garden. It's got fountains, and a pool, a lavish area, and rows and rows of seats, filled with every single member of my family and his. I hear the music play and everyone gets to their feet. It's daunting. Everyone's eyes are on me, and I can't do anything, I can only push forward and let the music run its course. Zack is standing there, looking as handsome as ever, and yet a pang of sadness hits me. He can't remove his eyes from mine.
My father finally gives me away.
It's a heart-breaking moment.
I don't want to let go. But when Zack has me in his arms and helps me up those three little steps to stand in front of anyone, I have no choice. We say our vows, and share a loving kiss like anyone up here would do. It's sweet and tender, he holds the back of my head, I have my arms over his shoulders, and I can hear everyone clapping. I don't know why, but they are. He pulls me upright; my head goes a little fuzzy so I brush it off and hold his hand.
"We did it Beth, we did it." He sounds so happy. He kisses my cheek, a stupid grin on his face, I have one too. But no one can see the pain in my eyes. The pain of finally being chained to a man I harbour no romantic feelings for.
I blink a few times, looking around confused.
I swear I'm being stared at. Not just by my family, but someone new. I look around, glancing over everyone's heads until I meet the eyes of a stranger. He's a few rows back next to Rick, another friend of Zack's, a suit as black as night, unruly light brown hair, a shaggy length, but not enough to be considered 'too long for a guy'. He's smiling at Zack. He has a charming smile, soft, and pale lips, clear skin and a rugged bit of stubble growing from his chin.
I almost trip as we walk past him, focusing too much on his eyes I suppose. My steps faltering. I hate these heels, they're far too high. I can hear my mother laugh but I can only see blue.
The entrancing blue eyes of this rugged stranger.
o0o
I'm blushing. Whether it's because everyone's eyes are on me, or the hot lights, or even those sky blues that are piercing into me from across the room, I'll never know. All I know is that my face is beet red in the arms of Zack, swaying to the acoustic rhythm, in the midst of our first dance. The dance floor is large, and we dance until the song slowly comes to an end. People applaud, I cover my mouth and spin around, grinning like a woman madly in love, and shy about all the attention. I still can't believe I'm married.
If it were up to me I'd be very much single. I'd take my time figuring out what I want, and who I am before I settle down. If it wasn't for my parents I wouldn't be in this situation. With a plastered on happy smile I rush over to the leading table as Zack encourages people to fill the dance floor with his charming smile and enthusiastic hands.
As he sees me approach, my father gets up from his chair and pulls me in for a tight hug and kisses my forehead. He's so warm. I know he's proud of me. I sneak a glance at the woman beside him, my mother. She's trying her best to look happy for me, but I can tell she wants to leave and get home. Her eyes are darting to all the people and then the dj, there's something about the man that she despises.
She's had enough of all the people and the music that is now loud and very upbeat. It's not her thing at all.
Nothing is her thing.
I can't picture one thing that I've seen her enjoy.
Her face is stoic most of the time.
I squeak when Zack soon joins, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing my cheek sloppily. I try and brush it off but I squirm in his arms before he holds on tighter and
doesn't let me go.
"Time for the drinks babe." I chuckle quietly, he just wants to get me drunk. "Want anything?" He asks close to my ear. I shake my head no and hold his hands.
I feel like a chained animal, just waiting to be broken out of this horrid place.
"Have fun baby." I say whilst turning around and kiss his warm lips, my mother makes an 'awww' noise I ignore. He smiles against me and squeezes my hips. His hand comes up and cups my chin. His fingers are rough; I try my best not to flinch. Instead I lean into his touch, his palm opens and rest against my cheek.
He's a little cold making me shiver. I blush, but not because of him, but because of the rugged stranger I see watching me from the end of the table. I have yet to talk to him. He gave a speech about Zack earlier, and introduced himself as Daryl, Zack's best man.
His voice was very dreamy.
I won't forget it.
"I'll be back soon my love, why don't you loosen up, have a little dance." He smiles. "I also believe you owe a certain girl a dance."
I giggle. I forgot about that.
"I certainly do."
Zack gives me another generous kiss on my cheek before I hear his friends calling him over to the bar. He gives me a look and I nod with a little smile.
"Thanks babe." He runs off. My heart sinks a little. There's a chance I won't talk to him for the rest of the night.
Not that I mind but it would be nice to not be by myself. I sit down next to my mother and take a glass of champagne from the table. It's a little warm but I manage to swallow it down. All of my friends are in the corner, I can see them huddled up over the rim of my foggy glass.
I blink, for what feels like a second moving in slow motion.
Daryl is walking over to us. He's taken his blazer off and he does look handsome, his sleeves are rolled up as well exposing his muscled arms and tan skin. His hair is even shaggier and his eyes look tired. There's a red handkerchief in his breast pocket of his waistcoat and his tie is looser. I start to blush. My cheeks pinken quickly, sticking out like a sore thumb on my porcelain skin. I subtly hide my face with my hand holding the glass as he approaches.
He's smiling.
He has the cutest smile.
Without even opening his mouth he's managing to make me feel like a bedazzled fool.
o0o
I lay there, my head in the pillow, fingers entwined with his, his hot breath in my ear as he pounds into me, over and over again. Sweat dripping from his chest. I moan, gripping onto him, it's quiet but he likes it. I hoist my hips up and wrap my legs around him and letting him finish, pulling him close. Zacks groans into my ear and nearly breaks my hips. My ankles hold onto him until he's pulled out. I almost laugh at how fast he was but I hold it back and start to kiss his jaw. I can feel the grin of his lips by the wrinkling of his skin. I nip his neck a little.
I spy the clothes scattered on the floor.
My poor wedding dress. Mother will be appalled to find it in this state. I see his messy hair, sweaty brown and sleepy smile, he looks exhausted, yes mother would definitely disapprove if he had ripped it like he wanted to.
"Beth baby." He moans softly and starts to kiss my shoulders, relaxing on top of me. "You're so perfect." He kisses my chest sloppily, his tongue travels overs my breasts to my stomach and down under the covers. I bite my lip as he starts to kiss my thighs.
I know Zack, like most men think they know how to please a woman, but believe me men are just oblivious to what makes a woman feel good, and don't tend to take it lightly if a woman tells them what to do. Much like Zack, he thinks he has it all down but he can barely find it with his tongue. I lock my head behind his neck and try my best to fake it soon after. I giggle and grab his hair, moving to beside me and cuddling into his chest, breathing a little heavy.
There has got to be some way I can make this feel normal.
He kisses my forehead.
It feels forced.
Awkward really.
"I love you so much." He mumbles as his eyes slowly start to drift close. His breathing eventually evens out and he falls asleep.
"I love you too," I mumble quietly.