I don't even know myself at all

I thought I would be happy by now

(Last Hope – Paramore)

Merlin was confused. Right now, he should have been the happiest man on Earth. He had told Arthur about his magic, and after a long process, he had accepted it and had even lifted the ban that forbidden magic. Everyone was free to use their power now, unless they hurt someone, when they would have had to face a trial.

Even his friends had dealt good with his gift. Gwaine had said that he already knew; that he always had felt that Merlin was more powerful than he let on and magic was the only explanation he could think of. Percival hadn't said much, but had asked Merlin for a demonstration and got impressed. Leon said he wouldn't pretend he understand magic, but still could see how it was just a tool, and that nobody could be considered guilty because of it. Gwen, kind as always, said she was sorry that he had to hide this for such a long time and was excited with all the things he could do.

But still Merlin couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.

He had gone through horrible things just hoping that the future would compensate everything he had lost to get there. But while he and his kind was now able to live in peace, it didn't make anything to make everything he went through better.

Right now, he just kind of felt… Empty.

"You are okay?" a preoccupied voice asked in a soft tone.

Merlin didn't even have to lift his head to know who was now at his side.

"Hello, Mordred. How are you doing?" he said, instead of answering the question, trying to smile.

Mordred was a good person; Merlin was sure of it now. He had made a vow to Merlin that he wouldn't kill Arthur unless someone else life was in dangerous (and while Merlin didn't like it, he could understand why Mordred took that precaution since Arthur could return to fight against magic).

And Merlin had found out that prophecies doesn't always concretize. Kilgharrah had been wrong, in the end. Even because if Merlin had listened to him in the first time the dragon said to kill the boy, himself would be dead by now, because there would be no one to save him when Mordred had saved both of his and Arthur's life. And Merlin wouldn't continue to try hate someone (even if he never could) just because of something that might happen.

That is why Merlin had chosen to say to Arthur to save Mordred's life and that magic should be permitted once again. And then told the blond boy the truth about himself. They had a huge fight, but Arthur listened his advice anyway and so magic was legal once again in the kingdom.

When they arrived in Camelot, Mordred walked to meet them and, after a little of small talk, Arthur reunited his knights of the round table to make the announcement about magic and Merlin told them the truth about his power. While he was talking, Merlin could see Mordred's proud smile.

Eventually, the reunion ended and Mordred had walk out with Merlin. The two stayed in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say, how to process how everything had change.

"I'm sorry" Merlin said, finally. "I'm so sorry, Mordred. You didn't deserve what I put you through. I should have trusted you from the start, but everyone told me… that I shouldn't. And I don't know if you're aware of, but there are prophecies about you, too. They aren't so good. And a friend of mine told I couldn't do nothing to stop what was going to happen, but then I found out that some prophecies don't ever happen." Merlin said everything at once, afraid he wouldn't be able to continue if he ever stopped.

Emrys, it's okay, came the calm reply in Merlin's mind. I found out about the prophecies and I saw why you didn't trust me, even if I tried to tell you that you could. I maybe would have done the same in your place.

With that, Merlin sent a genuine smile for Mordred. How could be so forgiven?

Thank you, Merlin answered in Mordred's mind. I hope we can start again.

Of course, Mordred replied.

And after that day, they had really started again. It was strange how fast they became friends, how well they could comprehend each other. They spend much time together too, exchanging knowledge of magic's skins or just talking. All the hate that was there once disappeared, leaving just a deep connection.

So, Merlin wasn't exactly surprised when Mordred was the one that found him while he was hidden.

"What is it?" Mordred asked again, this time being the one who had ignored the question.

Merlin hesitated, he didn't want to worry Mordred and he was not sure he could explain something that even him couldn't understand.

"It's just… Everyone knows about my magic now, and the ban doesn't exist anymore. Camelot is in peace, even Morgana was declared peace. But I still feel that something is missing" Merlin admitted. He felt odd, talking about his feelings wasn't something usual, probably because his best friend was totally unable of handle them (Arthur always avoided talking things like that since he didn't know what to do).

"I know what you mean" Mordred said, putting a hand on Merlin's shoulder. "I think we all have dreamed about this, about a time when we could be ourselves without fear. A time when they would comprehend, they would understand. And even if they all act like everything's okay, I can still see their hesitations, their confusions. They can't understand what magic is like" Mordred said the words quietly. He wanted to comfort Emrys, but that doesn't mean he would lie to the other.

"Yeah. Maybe is this" Merlin said, unsure. He had sense that, too. But this wasn't what he was talking about. "Dreams are always better than the reality" Merlin told Mordred.

"Yes, there are" Mordred nodded. "But I'm quite happy with where I'm now. I couldn't believe if you said a year ago to me how life would be now."

Merlin smiled.

"I think neither could I. Not like this, not this peace."

"You have done well, Emrys. This was your doing." Mordred smiled to Emrys. He really believed in his words. Nothing of this would be possible without Emrys. It was a very heavy destiny and still Merlin had already fulfilled plenty of it; Albion wasn't united yet, but it would be.

But Merlin refuses to take credit for it.

"I had plenty help along the way."

And it was true. Many of his people had died to help him get there or guide him in some way. Even some that weren't magic, like Lancelot and Will, had helped him.

"Still, I'm pretty sure it was a lonely path." Mordred pressed. He always saw how lonely Merlin seemed, even if his own friend couldn't see. Emrys was tired of being alone, of being invisible when he done so much to everyone. It was a surprise he could take so long. Mordred wanted to know how he had felt and if there was something he could now, even if he knew that was too late.

Merlin smiled, not because something was funny. It was just that this was just so… Mordred. He wouldn't let go until Merlin answered or said to forget it. He always knew how to break the barriers that Merlin made to avoid talking about himself.

"It was" and for a long time he said nothing more, just stared at Mordred. Then he began to talk again. "I had no one to talk to. Well, except for Gaius, but he is more a father than a friend. I used to have this best friend, Will, he knew my secret. But I had to leave him to go to Camelot. One day, I came back with Arthur, Morgana and Gwen to fight against cruel men that are attacking the village. We fight and we own. But Will died and then I was once again alone. " Merlin closed his eyes, feeling the weight of these memories. Was so many years ago, but still hurt him.

"Then I had Lancelot. He was a very good friend. I'm sure you would have liked him. He was a righteous man. Just like you." Merlin said, smiling a little. He hadn't ever thought about how Mordred would have appreciated Lancelot's honor. "But he died too. To close the veil."

"There were days that I didn't know anymore what I was fight for and thought about given up. But then I would remember of how many people had faith in me, how many people needed that I succeed. Some days, I couldn't even get up of the bed. Gaius had to drag me down, a job which he is pretty good actually."

"But Emrys…" Mordred called and smiled. "While they will never understand, I will." Mordred said with a serious tone. He wanted Emrys to know how important this was to him.

"I know. That's why I'm happy that you are here, Mordred. You understand me better than anyone. Thank you, for been my friend in the middle of all this" Merlin wasn't sure what he would have done if he had to go through this all alone. Mordred had been so important to him.

"I could wish for nothing more" Mordred replied, quoting Emrys' phase from a long time ago, causing both to smile.

Maybe, Merlin thought, things are not perfect but they are definitely better. And Merlin could just hope for an even better future. Because seeing Mordred's smile, he suddenly knew what was missing and suspected he already knew deep down long ago. Now, he wouldn't risk his friendship for his desire to be more than a friend, but who knows what the future could bring? Merlin would just hope that one day they would be together.

Note: This was born while I listened to the beautiful song Last Hope, of Paramore. I always thought that even if Merlin did manage to break the ban of magic, he wouldn't be totally happy. Honestly, I always thought he would feel kind of lost, because this was his only goal in life since he had 16 years, more or less.

I am not a native speaker of English, so I know that this should have many mistakes. If you see anything wrong, just say and I will change :)