DeanxReader
Words: 1734
Song: Panic! At The Disco - Nicotine
A/N: So.. this is my first fanfiction/oneshot. I quite like how it turned out but I'd love to have some opinions on this! I tried to explain what depression feels like to me, thats the thing with the darkness.. Oh and please don't hate me if i made any mistakes.. I'm from Germany so my english isn't perfect haha Enjoy!
The room was pitch black. There was no sound to be heard except for your heavy breathing. This shouldn't have happened. You had everything planned out.
You tried to make out the room, tried to stay still so your eyes could adjust to the complete darkness around you. You scanned the room for any movement, those jerks could move without making just the slightest sound so there was no point believing nothing was there just because you didnt hear anything.
You lifted yourself carefully off the ground, resting on your knees and examining your wounded arm. It looked pretty bad but you really didn't have time to care about that at the moment so you hastily bandaged the wound with your thin flannel.
Just as you were about to get up, someone grabbed your shoulder from behind and before you could turn around something heavy collided with the back of your head and everything faded to black.
The only thing you could feel was the darkness trying to pull you in and you didn't even think about fighting. It was soothing, you felt like you could just let go and forget everything that had happened. You were nearly consumed by the warm void of nothing when you heard a familiar voice call your name from somewhere far, far away.
"Y/N! Fuck Sammy, her breathing… she's…"
2 days earlier
"Demons. Around 4 of them. Nothing major." you said as you closed your laptop on the library table.
"Yeah well, if it's 'nothing major' go take care of them on your own, Miss Chuck Norris." Dean mumbled and glared at you from his place in the corner, half his face hidden behind a book.
You had been fighting again earlier. You didn't even know why exactly though, apparently Dean used your laptop and when he returned to the kitchen, where you just had lunch with Sam, he was pretty.. mad. Scratch that, he was furious.
You asked him what was wrong but he didn't answer your question, he just grabbed a plate and ignored your stares. When you tried to touch his shoulder to calm him down, he snapped.
"Get the fuck away from me!" You didn't even know what was happening, in one swift movement your hand fell off Deans shoulder, the door flew shut and he was gone.
Minutes passed and you were still staring at the now empty seat Dean was in before. Sam snapped you out of your stupor by touching your arm lightly.
"Hey, Y/N… don't worry. I don't know whats gotten into him either but he'll be fine. Just.. leave him alone for a while, I'm sure he'll explain later." He gave you a sympathetic smile before picking up his fork and returning to eat his lunch.
Two days passed and Dean still hadn't spoken more than a few words to you. Sam tried to get him to talk to you but he'd just ignored it.
When you woke up, you groaned and turned your head searching for your clock. Seeing it was only 6 am you rolled on your back and tried to get comfortable again. After some minutes went by you realized you couldnt fall asleep again and opened your eyes.
Your mind started to wander and all you could think of were those emerald green eyes. You swore you could even smell his scent. Leather, wood, whiskey.. Dean. Why wouldn't he talk to you? You had been so close since the brothers took you in about 2 years ago.
Hell, you loved him since the very first time you laid eyes on him. He was that gorgeous, kind, loving knight in shining armor to you that you had always dreamed of as a kid. Well, except for the white horse, which happened to be a black Impala. But that only made him perfect in your eyes.
You knew he was the one. But you also knew that he could never feel the same. It hurt so much to be near him without being able to touch him, kiss him, tell him you love him. You spent so many nights comforting him when he was feeling down, without thinking about yourself.
He layed in your arms so many times without noticing you were crying. For Him. For Yourself. For the 'Us' you would never be.
Staring at the ceiling you felt tears rolling down your cheeks. The darkness was back. The warm, comforting darkness.
You knew it would break you one day but you couldn't let it go. Couldn't let him go. He was like nicotine. You know it's bad for you but once you've tried it one, two, maybe three times you can't stop, cause it makes you feel good. It's just the same with Dean.
His green eyes lingering in your thoughts, you felt the darkness creep closer. Most of the time you let it consume you completely, just to feel nothing at all for just a few hours. But you knew you couldn't do that today, seeing as you had a case going on today.
Some demons in a warehouse. Great. You wiped the tears off your cheeks, sat up and sighed. "Well. Good fucking morning. Here's to another day of torture." And with that you got up and left your room, the sheets still wet with your tears.
Now
Nothing. Emptiness. All around you. You tried moving your legs, tried running, but you weren't sure if you even moved forward the slightest bit.
Continuing your struggles to get out of that black void, you saw a small light, like a window, far away. You knew what this was. Sam and Dean told you about the so called "Light" everyone keeps talking about when they returned from heaven. You knew you shouldn't go there. They would find you. Whoever "They" were.
Turning around you started to hear a noise. It was a quiet whisper coming from the opposite direction. Getting nearer you could make out what it was saying.
"Y/N! Don't you fucking die on me! Come on, I know you can hear me! Fuck, Y/N.. I can't.. I mean.. Damn I can't lose you! I need you! Just come back to me, please…"
Dean. You couldn't believe it. He was begging for you to come back. That couldn't be true, you had to be imagining things..
Walking closer to the voice though, you made out a faint green light. Despite everything the brothers told you about the light you started to move towards it, a whole new warmth spreading through your body.
Your eyes flew open and the first thing you saw were those green orbs, staring right back at you.
"Oh thank god.. Y/N I'm so sorry! I should have been there, I shouldn't have stayed at the bunker feeling sorry for myself. I should've been with you, protecting you! I'm such a fool, I'm the worst.."
"Don't you fucking dare, Dean Winchester!" You stopped him, though your voice cracked a bit. "It isn't your fault, okay? None of this is!"
His face softened, showing relieve more than selfhatred. He lifted his hand and carefully touched your cheek, stroking back some loose strands of hair. Your cheeks reddened as you tried to put all the courage you didn't really have in your next words.
"Dean, stop it. I can't take that anymore." You tried sitting up on your elbows which gave out under your weight, sending you straight back to the floor. Dean tried to catch you, holding you up with one arm around your shoulders but you pulled away immediately.
"Fuck, Dean.. I'm serious. I can't do this. It hurts. It hurts so much to be ignored by you for two fucking days straight. It hurts when you touch me.
Every single one of those touches sends a bolt of lightning straight to my heart. And you know why, Dean? Cause I love you! I have since the day I met you!
You remember the days I wouldn't come out of my room at all? It's cause I couldn't take it anymore! And you know what the best part is? Although it hurts, I can't get enough of it.
I know you could never feel the same and still I can't bring myself to leave. Everytime I keep telling myself it's the last time I'm going back to the bunker, it's the last time I'm going to hold you when you're feeling down. But I can't leave you. I just can't.."
The tears started to roll down your face and when you looked up you noticed Sam had left the room and there was only the two of you. Dean looked at you with sad eyes.
The seconds that passed felt like hours to you. Suddenly you felt Deans hand on your neck, pulling you closer. Time was standing still when his lips lingered just an inch from yours and when he finally kissed you softly, it felt like there was a firework exploding in your stomach.
You melted into him, completely forgetting everything you had said before. When you had to pull away for air, he just looked at you, adoration in his eyes.
"Wanna know why I was upset earlier?" he smirked.
The only thing you could do was nod, still trying to understand what had just happened.
"You remember me borrowing your laptop? Well, I accidently looked through your pictures and noticed all of them were of either Sam and you or Cas and you.."
"Woah hold on a second.. How can someone 'accidently' look at pictures?!"
"Y/N, can i just finish what I was trying to say? Thanks.. Well as I said, there were no pictured of us. Not a single one. And I realized I fucked up. For real.
I wanted you from the beginning but I just thought I wasn't good enough for you. So i was pretty much beating myself up about that, and i just.. I don't know.. I was angry with myself, i shouldn't have…"
he trailed off and stared at his shaking hands. You took them in yours and placed a soft kiss on his lips.
"Stop thinking you're not good enough. You're the best that's ever happened to me. Though you could have happened a little sooner, in my opinion."
He smirked at you, pulling you in for another kiss.
"I'll make those two years up to you, I promise."