Setting the Scene: In this AU fic, Sookie and Bill have not broken up. However, Bill's preoccupation with his vampire database project has led him down the path of Internet addiction—and an unfortunate obsession with World of Warcraft. When a sorely neglected Sookie finally calls on Eric for help with Bill's gaming habits, will the Viking be able to teach her how to PvP her way back into Bill's heart (and bed), or will Sookie and Eric end up 'bonding' over Ventrilo?
Disclaimer: I do not own the SVM characters, Duke Nukem, Blizzard Entertainment, or fake biscuits. The Duke Nukem Ventrilo harassment episode is based on a video available at YouTube (watch?v=IE3KdcTgrno).
Thanks to Malanna for the beta and for convincing me to post it here instead of just sending it to a couple of night elf friends.
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"Bill, honey, come to bed," I murmured seductively, sliding my hands over his shoulders and breathing softly in his ear. Bill let out a deep moan, and my heart leapt at his response: was I finally getting through to him?
"Now I'm going to have to redo my talent build, Sookie," he said, shaking his head.
I sighed and walked out of his house without saying good night. Bill had been like this for months. It had all started with some secret computer project of his, the one that had him looking up pictures of vampires when he thought I couldn't see what he was doing. I was happy for him at first when I noticed that he actually seemed to be making friends online; he chatted and laughed and seemed to be mainstreaming it up in style. Then he bought World of Warcraft, and it was a downhill spiral from there: he was a man possessed. I'd ask to go out, and he'd reply that he had a guild meeting. I'd suggest that he come by Merlotte's for a blood and a visit while I was working, and he'd tell me that he had a raid. I'd attempt to coax him into some nookie soon after he rose, but he'd inform me that he had to conjure food and water before it was time to go to Naxx.
I reflected bitterly that I was quite possibly the only woman with a vampire boyfriend in North America who wasn't getting laid.
A near-disaster one weekend convinced me that something had to be done about Bill's WoW problem. I had fallen asleep at his house while reading a book, and I woke up just before dawn to find Bill—still at his computer. "Bill, what are you doing? It's almost dawn; you need to be in your hidey hole!"
"We've almost got him… almost there," he intoned, shooting fireballs out of his hands at a very ugly, very pissed-off-looking orc.
"You've almost got who?"
"Drek'Thar. The horde turned this into a ridiculous turtle-fest, and it's bonus honor weekend. He's almost down…"
Bill had to use his vampire speed to sprint to his daytime resting place before getting himself fried as the sun came up. He didn't even have time to log out. I called Eric the next night.
"Let me see if I understand you correctly," Eric interjected as I went on about Bill and fireballs and bonus honor and orcs in Alterac Valley. "Bill is playing… alliance?"
"Yes, I think so."
"And he was shooting fireballs and conjuring mana biscuits so he's playing… a mage?"
"Yes."
"What race is he in game?"
"I don't know what it's called… he's a little guy with a beard and a blue dress, but he doesn't like it when I call it a dress. And he does this dance sometimes that makes it look like he's shaking his hips and spanking somebody."
Eric was silent on the other end of the line for a while. "Compton not only rolled alliance, but he's a gnome mage? Sookie—this is bad."
"I know, I know! He's out of control, Eric. What can I do?"
The sheriff said he had an idea, and asked me to meet with him and Pam at Fangtasia the next night at 8:00 if I was free. Of course I was free. Bill had a date with Malygos, who he was convinced was finally going to drop the Wyrmrest Necklace of Power. He had already lined up a gem for the blue socket.
"I don't even know who you are anymore," I muttered as he made his way to something called a "meeting stone" and started opening trade windows to hand people fake biscuits. He didn't even ask where I was going as I headed out to my car and started driving towards Shreveport.
Pam was checking IDs at the door to Fangtasia when I arrived, and she informed me that I looked "simply scrumptious."
"I'm glad somebody thinks so," I returned sarcastically.
"Yes, Eric filled me in on your… recent troubles. I'll meet you both in the office shortly." And with that, she actually rubbed her hands together in anticipation. Uh-oh. This couldn't be good.
Eric seemed to have set up his office as a miniature control center of some sort, and he snuck a couple of surreptitious sniffs at me as he guided me to a chair in front of his laptop. He explained that in order to formulate a course of action, he and Pam would first need to "assess Bill's online interaction" in order to gain insight into my boyfriend's "gaming persona."
"Huh," I responded intelligently. "How exactly do you plan to do that?"
"We're going to hack into his Vent server!" Pam exclaimed as she walked through the door.
"But won't he know it's you guys? He knows your voices."
"We've enlisted a little assistance, Sookie," Eric explained, pointing to a photo he had up on his computer. The image was of a character from another video game, it seemed: the guy had angular features, a sharp crew cut, dark sunglasses, bulging biceps, and an enormous gun brandished in each hand.
"Sookie: meet Duke Nukem. He's going to be having a conversation with Bill's guild tonight."
Pam and Eric fiddled with some keys a bit, and then I heard several voices. One sounded like he was running the show. "Grab the Power Sparks, Leg. We need the DPS bonus. What's taking so long? Jesus, don't you have that shit macroed yet? This is what I get for accepting a guild app from somebody named 'xxLegolasxx.' Get on the discs, people. Archie, how do you manage to screw this up every god damned time?"
Pam hit a button. "I've got balls of steel," said the pillar of menace that was Duke Nukem.
"Who the hell is that in our channel? OK, it's burn time, people. Trinket, hit your cooldowns… go go, stab stab."
Eric hit another button. "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I'm all out of gum." Pam giggled, which I found sort of terrifying, but even I had to laugh.
"Fuck! Yosh, can you get that asshole off our server? Crap, get out of the Arcane Pulse!" I heard a series of groans from players who clearly had not managed to get out of the Arcane Pulse. "I need a combat rez, now!" one of them said.
Pam gestured to a button, silently asking me to hit it.
"I've got balls of steel," Duke Nukem once again proclaimed.
Bill's cool voice came through clearly over the speaker. "We're in the middle of a fight, intruder. You will remove yourself from our server immediately." If Bill could glamour people through his microphone, he would have tried.
It was Eric's turn now. "Eat shit and die," Duke breathed out.
"Fuck! Fuck! That's a wipe, people. Can somebody please ban this asshole? Bill? You know what you're doing on Vent."
"Why are they calling Bill by his real name, Sookie?" Pam wondered.
"His username is billcompton," I told her. Eric snorted.
Bill spoke up again. "All right, he should be banned in a sec… let me…" – and with that, we were booted from the server.
Pam cackled, did a bit of clicking at the keyboard, and we were back in business seconds later.
"Duke's back," somebody observed unhappily.
"Blow it out your ass," said Duke with another keystroke.
"You don't know what you're doing, hacker," Bill threatened. "I will find you. Clancy, if this is you, so help me God…"
"Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls…"
"Enough with the balls, Pam!" I admonished.
"… balls of steel."
"I will pull out each of your fingernails slowly," Bill vowed. "You do not fuck with a vampire who's been stockpiling DKP for the Wyrmrest Necklace of Power. You have no idea who you're deal-
"steel. Steel. Steel."
"-ing with. I survived the Civil War, interloper. Do you think I won't hunt you down like the dog you are? Do you think I won't make you pay for your transgressions this night?"
"Bill, dude," another gamer broke in, trying to mollify my usually-composed beau. "Calm down, man. Yeah, it sucks that he ruined our raid, but it is actually kind of funny, you know?"
Bill wasn't having it. "I'm going to ban you again, Duke Nukem."
"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum…"
"And after I do, you had better watch your back. I have unlimited time and resources. Can you say the same?"
"…and I'm all out of gum."
Eric was cracking himself up, and several of Bill's guild mates had even started laughing by this time, but I was kind of glad I was nowhere near Bon Temps at the moment. As we got shut out of Bill's Vent server yet again, I looked between Pam and Eric, who had obviously enjoyed themselves more than is decent. Pam spoke first.
"So, then," she said with a satisfied smirk, "that went extremely well!"
TBC