Author's note: Castle is not mine, it belongs to smarter people than me and, sadly, I make no money with this.
This is dedicated to the lovely and talented chezchuckles, who, besides being a very busy lady and writing like five fanfics at the same time, took the time to read this, to encourage me and to correct my mistakes. Thank you very very much, dear!
/ / /
I won't spend my life
Gazing at the stars up in the sky
Wondering if love will pass me by
Now that I've found you
I'll call off the search
/ / /
She was riding over a constant wave of adrenaline, gripping the phone to her ear and willing Esposito and Ryan to find something, anything, to help Castle and his mother get out of this alive.
Then she heard the explosion. She felt it in her bones and her heart squeezed painfully in her chest.
Dread descended on her like nausea and she stepped outside the van.
Her mind in a loop delivered a litany of no's:
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…'
She put on her vest, unholstered her sidearm.
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no…'
Her heart stumbled in her chest, unable to find its rhythm again. Her scar itched.
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…'
She caught sight of Alexis, open-mouthed in front of the horror, incapable of looking elsewhere.
'No, please, no, no, no, no, no, *please*…'
And she started to run toward the wreckage.
/ / /
Kate's sob rattled her chest and woke her up.
She curled up on her side trying to calm her breathing, her skin clammy and shivering in the aftermath of her dream.
The night was dark and her mind reeling, what-ifs dancing their macabre routine in the recesses of her brain.
She desperately wanted to call him. She needed to hear his voice.
But that would be unfair to him when she had denied him the comfort of a phone call during the three months of her recovery.
No, she would suck it up and she would be just fine. Kate Beckett was used to dealing with her feelings on her own. She was good at it.
She turned toward her alarm clock. Angry red numbers glared back at her. 3am. She would not go back to sleep today.
She rose, took a quick shower, put on yoga pants, a t-shirt and a hoodie, and set the coffee maker to brew.
She tried to recall last night's happiness. That overwhelming joy when she realized they were okay – he was okay. That feeling that left her drunk with relief during dinner, wobbling on her feet with gratitude (Martha's wine might have helped). That emotion that kept her smiling from Martha's exuberant hug to Alexis' tight embrace before she left, an apology and a 'thank-you-for-saving-my-dad' rolled into one fierce hug.
But she couldn't shake the feelings her nightmare left in its wake. She could still feel the blast, the ringing in her ears and that dread, that absolute certainty, without wanting to believe it, that he was dead, that there was no way Richard Castle could have survived that explosion.
She huffed in frustration and decided that now was as good a time as any for her to go for a run. She could use that as an opportunity to get her car back. She'd left it in front of Castle's building last night, too drunk to drive, and had taken a cab home.
She finished her coffee in a hurry, her mind set, grabbed her gun, badge, phone and keys, and slammed the door on her way out.
/ / /
It was still dark when she stopped on the sidewalk opposite his building. Her heart beat furiously in her chest, her side ached and she was breathing heavily. She had pushed herself too hard during the run, trying to get rid of the queasy sensation adrenaline had left in her body, but forgetting at the same time that she hadn't recovered entirely from her wound yet.
She frowned when her eyes wandered to Castle's bay windows. The living room wasn't lit but a soft glow was visible from somewhere in the apartment. If she had to guess, she'd say it came from his study. Her stomach tensed with the sheer want to see him, or at least talk to him. Her phone was out before she realized it. She hesitated and finally decided that a text wouldn't hurt anybody.
'You awake?'
She unconsciously held her breath while she waited for his answer.
'Yes. Can't sleep. Am currently procrastinating my way toward writing.'
She smiled, a little bit of residual fear seeped away and her shoulders relaxed.
Her phone chimed again.
'What about you? Why up so early?'
She paused, then decided on the truth. She found that admitting her weaknesses to him was easier done in texts than in person.
'Nightmare. Couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to go for a run and get my car back.'
Chime. Beat. Chime.
'It's 4:30! Too early for a run!'
'Wait! Does this mean you're here?'
She gave a breathless chuckle and saw a shadow cross his window. Then he was there, looking down on her. She lifted her hand in a somewhat shy salute. The light of his phone illuminated his face while he wrote, he was smiling.
'Well, come on up, we have coffee! And maybe even cookies!'
She looked up and saw him watch her intently. She gave him a little nod and crossed the street.
/ / /
The coffee machine was delivering its own comforting little song when she knocked. He dried his hands on his pajama pants and went to the door.
She was there, breathing fast, soft tendrils of hair curling against her skin with sweat, her hands hidden in the front pocket of her big hoodie.
When she looked at him, she smiled this extraordinary smile of hers and he could do nothing but smile in return.
/ / /
She was smiling. So wide that it hurt, the tiny muscles in her cheeks not used to such exertion.
Just seeing him in front of her made breathing easier. She watched as his shoulders sagged with his next expire and realized that he too had needed to see her tonight.
/ / /
He felt the retrospective fear that had kept him awake all night transform under her attentive gaze. The knot of anxiety inside his chest changing into a lump of relief at the back of his throat. He reached out to her, two fingers brushing the back of her hand when he hooked them to the front pocket of her sweat-shirt, and tugged twice, lightly. She went willingly.
/ / /
She stepped in front of him, holding his eyes, before gently giving him her weight, her temple brushing his ear. Her hands trapped between their two forms, she breathed him in. His sharp intake of air made her whole body shiver and he held her up by her elbows. She pressed herself against him, letting him support her completely.
After a while, she extracted her hands from their warm confine and slowly dragged them up his ribs, his shoulders and around his neck. His arms encircled her waist and he held her tight against him.
Waves after waves of comfort were exchanged, their bodies holding a conversation their voices could not word. And their remaining fears faded away, like the ripples on the surface of a lake after a pebble has been thrown, leaving the water undisturbed in their wake.
This embrace right here was the only thing that had been missing.
/ / /
And I won't end my days,
Wishing that love would come along,
Cause you are in my life where you belong
Now that I've found you
I'll call off the search
Call Off The Search – Katie Melua