A/N: Yeah, um...no reflection on myself, here...so don't lock me up, OK? This poem just kind of wrote itself while I was watching the show. Fifty useless bonus points if you can guess which episode it came from.
The things you'll never know
you lie there sleeping,
with such innocence in your eyes
eyes softly covered
and fringed by long dark lashes
So much like your father.
I close your door
and blink
no tears left in me now to fall
eyes so dry
so cold
I let you see me crying
sob when he was put away
I never let you see
the tears those other days
So many things, my son
so much you'll never know
Not the least of which
is how pleased I was to see him go.
I shudder now
at the thought you'd ever see
I've got so much darkness
locked up inside of me.
the hate
and the fear
hate for him--
and fear at what I'd do
I wanted to spare you this, so bad.
you never saw
the blood I washed off my hands.
All those times I left,
late at night
you never knew.
all those times I went away
I just wanted some time to myself!
the first one,
it caught me by sheer surprise.
He slandered your name my baby
it was the last he'd ever know
so much rage
I thought it all was safe
with none but me to touch it
hidden deep behind my face.
the blood was too much to count.
but I couldn't get enough.
I laughed as you
held my hand
pulling me along
so proud to show me your caterpillar
would be a butterfly before too long.
I loved you then
and the way the sun played through your hair
your lovely red t-shirt bringing a sparkle to your eye
oh! red.....so much red my baby!
so much blood....
What had I done? What had I done?!
never mind, my darling
you're safe now
he'll never tease u again.
why had he been out so late anyway?
you'll never know that thought
so innocent...he hit you and still--
you cried when he was gone.
I swore never to spill blood again.
you deserved so much more than that, after all....
And then...you saw the blood.
my blood. spilling forth onto the floor.
crying like you were the one dying
you couldn't understand.
Later on I said
I had been cutting watermelon
an accident, nothing more.
an accident? How could it have been?
to miss, and cut myself--like that!-- instead?
you believed me.
you held me close and said my name.
Promising all would be alright.
and it was.
I made sure of it,
for you.
I would never let you down.
The next ones were all a blur
flashing smear in my mind
piercing screams
and wordless cries
but not from them.
I felt the pressure in my head
felt it call my name.
I took them down
and saw only red--
ever, all around....
the screaming stopped then
it always does
and by morning the blood was gone
washed away in the night.
My baby, my baby, my baby...
you should never hear of this
to see what I have done
I tried so hard to stop it!
Truly now, I did.
but as night came on
I felt it come again
this pressure in my head
and the screaming was
--a constant rhythm in my brain--
it seemed
oh my darling child
sweet dreams, my only one.
All I ever loved was you
For you, I'd keep my mind
from coming all undone.
For you, I would be sane
Just your Average Mom
laughing at your play-games
shushing your crying if you should fall
butterfly kisses
raspberry lips
blue fingerprints now smeared across my wall
my scolding stopped short
"I love u mommy" scrawled in loopy blue letters
proudly proclaiming your trust in me
that I can do no wrong
not in your eyes.
and him...the man you call your father
he tried to take my name
I was mom! Not him!
Absent for all your firsts, in all your life
first step, first word,
and now he buys you back to him
sugar and loving words.
wanted you to choose him.
he held your heart, my child
I know he did
I saw the way your eyes teared up
as he left the house that day
telling you he'd not return
and looking hard at me
as if I were the one to blame!
He made you cry my baby
I made him bleed.
he bled for all those hours
I wasted of my life
wishing he was home.
he bled for all the times
he first cherished,
then crushed my hopes and dreams
and he bled for you
his heart! he bled his heart for you.
and I saw red.
So sleep tight, my dearest,
the morning soon shall dawn
and all these words I cannot say
will keep you safe from harm
I love you, darling,
precious, innocent one.
I brush your hair back
and stroke your neck
and leave, still softly humming your song.
I leave, so quietly,
and wash my hands clean of red upon my late night return.
A/N: Did you like it? You can review and tell me. (grins) Flames will be shot back in the direction of the sender. I picked an obscure episode to get inspired about. My friend Anica couldn't guess. Well, anyway...thanks for reading; please review!