Numb. That's all I could feel. Numbness. The paper, now crumbled and nothing more than trash, fell down my lap and rolled against my foot. Sighing, I leaned back in my wooden chair and digested the room around me. Or at least, all that was left.
If my old study wasn't trashed before, this one certainly was. Holes, everywhere. In the desk in front of me, in the paintings, through the walls. Beside me, I noticed a smashed vase – my mother's favorite vase. A voice inside me said that I did it– I hit and clawed and yanked and abused this house until I could see from the other side. I had no recollection – no remembrance of that day. That day they left. But I saw it. I saw it everywhere. It wasn't the only damage left either - doors were torn off and I was yet to see a window not broken. I didn't remember the servants running out and fleeing, or looking at the smug look that was probably plastered on Hybern's face. But I could piece together the memories just by looking around the mess I had left. And a part of me felt like I couldn't face this. I couldn't look at my mistakes, my past, every day. Thankfully, people have finally began returning to the villages, relieving some of my stress. Now, at least my kingdom was fixable. But as I looked down at the crumbled paper resting against my foot, I knew it wasn't enough.
Thank you.
I hope you have happiness too.
And I thought that would be happiness for me – her, shriveled on the ground at my disposal, and Rhysand dead. But apparently not.
"Apparently not," I said aloud, rubbing my forehead. My eyes were heavy, but there was no way I could sleep. How could I? Everything was gone, I thought as I dug my head in my hands. My friend, my lover, my court. This, and this broken house, was all I had left.
"Ah, are you still wallowing over that letter Fox-Boy gave to you during his mediocre apology? Pretty morbid, I think, rubbing a man's heartbreak right in his face and then darting away to meet his happily ever two seconds later." Crunch. I looked up slowly, eyeing the figure in front of me. He was leaning against the half broken door casually as he flaunted the piece of fruit.
"Where did you get that?" I asked coldly, my eyes narrowing on the apple. My fingers gripped the half-broken desk as I leaned forward, causing it groan. "Did you take that from one of the cartons of fruit I was sending out to the villages?" He shrugged lazily, rolling his eyes as he did so.
"Nobody seemed keen to it," He responded. "Also, you do know that the sink in the kitchen is broken? I-"
"Jurian, are you getting your painting or not?" I had meant for it to come out snappily but the words merely hung out in the air limply, as if the life inside me was truly gone. "Don't you have a court to go to? Somewhere to be?" Ah, yes, Jurian. This morning I had heard a knock at the door, him waiting on the other side. When I demanded an explanation, he began rasping about some painting he had left in one of the guestrooms. I was too empty, too broken, to decline. He had told me he would leave immediately after he retrieved it. Though, looking back on it, I'm not sure why he would bother to come back for a mediocre painting in the first place.
Jurian's shoulder slumped forward, biting into the apple again.
"Firstly, it was a sketch," Jurian said as he walked towards me and rested his hands on the broken desk. "Secondly, this place is a fucking mess. And this time you don't have Feyre Cursebreaker to fix it." A pang hit my gut when he said – when he said her name. And maybe he saw that, because almost instantly he leaned off the desk, the smug look washing off his face. He was quiet for a moment as he looked me over twice, something I had never seen fill his eyes. No, it wasn't pity, nor sympathy. Desperation flickered, it seemed.
"I have nowhere to go," Jurian admitted quietly, his voice breaking at the end. "I-I could go help Vassa but I…You need an emissary, now that that Fox-Boy-"
"Lucien."
"Right, Lucien, is gone," Jurian said. "I could be that, at least for now. Until this place actually looks relatively livable." My eyes narrowed on him suspiciously. Carefully, steadily, I rose from my chair and stepped around the desk to face him.
"You were an undercover agent for majority of the time that I knew you," I said coolly, "Why should I even let you spend the night?" He stepped closer to me this time as well, his eyes shining.
"Because it's better than being alone," He pointed out. I was quiet for a moment. Anger was building inside of me, begging to be left out. How dare he mock me while he was the one so vulnerable? But I pushed it down. I couldn't be that person. I didn't have the energy to be that person anymore.
"Fine," I sneered. "If you want to help, you could start with actually sending out the fruit. Also, I'm going to need letters to be sent about employment. I…we need some sentries in here. And some servants."
"Of course, My Lord," Jurian said sarcastically but I could swear, just as he walked out of the room, that there was a sparkle of glee in his eyes.
(three dashes here)
It was shining outside. It was actually shining. I scanned the outdoors in awe. When the war began, everything in my court died. The trees, the leaves, the flowers. The sun even seemed like it had dimmed – as if its life source really did run off of me. Of course, it didn't help that when Feyre and Lucien left, I fled from my castle to go after them and the few times I went back to the estate, I knew I would not stay long. But now I was here and it was shining.
"Are you going hunting today, my lord?" A voice behind me chimed. I turned around, facing the new servant. She was the first one to be employed in my castle again and she wasn't a day over seventeen. At first she seemed timid in working here but now she seemed as if working here was a luxury. I decided, after I hired her, that I was going to do it different this time. I wanted to actually know the people I worked with, the people who were willing to die for me. I wanted to know their names and their lovers and their families. I wanted them to be my family, just like the Night Court. I didn't want them to be silent.
"Not today. I'm going to let the villagers have their chance to hunt for some food," I told her, "Though, it would be great if you could get Jurian to go. I don't need his griping this morning." I could tell by the way her lip twitched that she was trying not to laugh.
"He hunted this morning, my lord," She told me. "But-" And then I heard his voice, screaming from the end of the hall.
"Tamlin!" He shouted. I rolled my eyes.
"Tam! Tam!"
"What did I say about you calling me that?" I snarled back. He came into view, a smirk on his lips. Jurian was different than Lucien in many ways. Firstly, he didn't care for any sort of rules whatsoever, unless he gained something from it. He had no concern for social boundaries, orders or a sense of code. Secondly, he wasn't afraid to test me. More specifically, he wasn't afraid of me at all. At first it was infuriating but through time I realized I did not want another emissary who was afraid of me. I wanted one who would argue with me, who would stop me before I made the mistakes I once had. Except, unfortunately, Jurian many times took it too far.
"It's the only way I can get your attention," He said, smirking. "I got a message from Helion-"
"Helion?" I said back, taking a step towards him. "The battle was weeks ago. What does he want?" Jurian shrugged casually, rolling his eyes.
"Don't ask me. I always thought he was a bit of a-"
"Jurian, what does it say?"
"Apparently he wants to have dinner with you," Jurian muttered. My eyebrows scrunched down.
"And why would he ever want that?" I replied sharply.
"Don't ask me how High Lords think. There's a reason why I'd rather be an emissary than a High Lord."
"At least humor me, Jurian," I growled.
"Maybe it's because you have refused to respond to any other courts since the battle and saying as you and I both are known for our, ah, double siding history, that maybe we should finally indulge in his offering?" I waved my hand at him dismissively.
"Just tell him I have no interest in speaking to other courts right now," I said. Jurian sighed.
"I'll tell him you're busy," Jurian decided, and then swaggered out of the room as if he had never walked in.
(three dashes here)
My fingers were shaking. I tried to hide it by tapping on the arm of the throne, but the nearest sentry, Jon, glanced back at me every time my fingers hit the wood arm. Jurian, who loomed over my throne impatiently with his hands shoved into his pockets, looked unusually bored.
"What is it, Jurian?" I said tightly. He looked down at me, an eyebrow perched up.
"Hm?"
"You want to say something. Let it out," I hissed. People were starting to gather, I realized. It was only minutes before this would begin. It would be smart for Jurian to get it out now.
"I think it's too early," Jurian said under his breath. "Nobody has the money or resources, Tamlin. Not even us." I tilted my head to the side, just enough for him to realize that I disagreed.
"The tithe is not near as much as it normally is," I countered, "And the tithe will bring the land together. It'll remind them that these gifts are an act of patriotism, a symbol that our territory is-"
"Absolutely foolish," Jurian finished. "It's autocratic. Now that they have heard of the great-" Jurian stopped for just a split second, just long enough for me to realize that the words coming were not the words I wanted to hear. "The High Lord of Night and his sacred city of Velaris would never do this, especially if the city was in deprivation." My eyes, cold as ice, glared at Julian, along with a low snarl.
"Don't you ever bring up the Night Court in my-"
"I'm not threatening you, Tamlin," he said, just as coolly, "Just warning you. But you do whatever you want to do, Tamlin. It's your land that's starving, not anybody else's." Before I could reply, the first participant stepped forward. I leaned back in my chair and Jurian looked forward. My hands gripping the arm, I analyzed the participant.
It was a water wraith. A very, very familiar water wraith. While the water wraith's face was cold as stone, I knew that the water wraith was thinking about the same exact thing based upon the twinkle in her eyes. Her body was stiff, straight as a line. No, she did not look afraid, but she did reflect a look that showed she did not trust me. Her arms were abnormally skinny for kind and she did not look like she expected anything from me. Especially not patriotism.
"We've met before," I said, breaking the tense silence. She didn't even bother to address me properly.
"Yes, we have," she simply said. I looked at the basket in her hand. Slowly, she unraveled it.
"A fish," she said, "For our High Lord." A fish. Only one. I looked at my emissary, and his eyes were flickering. I turned back to the water-wraith.
"No more than one?" I asked tightly. Her lips thinned.
"The War was costly even on us, my lord," She said. "We brought all we could spare." And as I stood there, starring at her, nobody made a sound. I glanced at my sentries who hadn't even let out a breath. My eyes dropped to the fish again.
"No," I replied. She blinked at me, this time taking a desperate step towards me.
"My Lord-"
"Keep it," I said, with my palm facing her. "My sentries will come by your pond tomorrow and give you some resources in order to help your sisters from starving." The water wraith's posture softened. Though the lack of trust in her eyes did not fade, she looked calmer.
"We won't forget this gratitude," She whispered. From the corner of my eye, I could swear Jurian was fighting a smile.
Without leaning towards him, I whispered, "Make it known to our visitors that the Tithe will not be occurring today. Instead, I will be giving out resources for their brave acts during the war."
(three dashes here)
"So you're just not going to show up at all? The Great Rite?"
"I never said that," I replied dryly. "I just said I wasn't going to-" My voice stopped and I swallowed. Julian, with his hands shoved in his pockets, fumed at me. "I'm just not participating in the ceremony itself, that's all."
"You've got to be fucking kidding," He murmured, laughing under his breath. "Seriously? Seriously?" I eyed him coldly. Breathe, a voice inside me said, breathe.
"I'm a High Lord," I reminded him sternly. "I can do whatever I please."
"Yes, the High Lord of Spring. In which the Great Rite is honoring. I don't care what happened last year – I am not Lucien. There is no way I'm going to let you bail out on that ceremony." I rose from my chair.
"Don't push me, Jurian."
"If you think I'm participating for you, you're out of your mind."
"I never asked you to," I snarled. He opened his mouth, a cold, mirthless smile on his face, and I was sure the next remark would send me over the edge, but then we heard a knock. His smile faltered and my back loosened.
"Esmeralda, who is that?" I shouted. Jurian's eyes still held onto mine. I heard a door open, an unusual freeze filling the house quickly. After about five seconds of silence of shouted, sharply now, "Esmeralda, who is it?"
"I-I think you should come to the door, My Lord," Her voice cracked. I growled under my breath, my eyes glaring at Jurian. His eyebrows flickered up testily. I tore away from his gaze and began walking towards the door. Jurian, as he did when he was angry, followed me.
"Can you at least think about it?" Jurian hissed, as we turned the corner into a hallway. I glanced back at him.
"No, I will not think about it. I know what I want," I hissed back. At the end of the hallway, one of the double doors was wide open. I looked at Esmeralda's large eyes, and she looked uncomfortable. Uneasy.
"Is that what you told Lucien last year when-" And then, as I looked at through doorway, brushing Esmeralda aside, Jurian's voice stopped. I didn't even finish letting out my breath. My eyes, unblinking, stared at the person in front of me. I felt like I couldn't move my lips, my face was turned to stone.
"Hi, Tam," The opposing voice let out. Jurian cursed behind me.
"Hello, Lucien," I heard myself say. To my demise, he didn't look much different than the last time I had seen him. He was wearing a purple tunic, with dark pants and hiking boots. His red hair was tied back, with a few strands falling out. His eyes, shining with nervousness, looked me over. I couldn't help but stare at his necklace – black obsidian. He was still a part of the Night Court.
My eyes tore away from him and looked down at the girl beside him. She was much shorter – almost looked like a child compared to Lucien's large self. She was dressed in black, giving me a small smile. There was nothing uneasy in her eyes, no fear. Instead, she was holding a small flower at her side. She held it out to me. Automatically, as if I couldn't control my own body, I took the small flower. I looked at the flower and then looked back at her.
"I found this a few miles back," She said. "I just wanted to-"
"You're Feyre's sister," I said aloud. Almost instantly, Lucien scrunched back, his arms tightening around the girl.
"Her name is Elain," He said, his voice harder. "And we were wondering-"
"Did the Night Court kick you out so easily?" Jurian sneered behind me. His tone made me blink rapidly. Since when did he have issues with the Night Court? Lucien's metal eye narrowed on Jurian coldly but before Lucien could retort with a remark that would make Jurian go spiraling, I held out my hand to silence my present emissary.
"Excuse my new emissary, he is still learning the art of communication," I said, glancing behind me and shooting Jurian a warningly look. The last thing I needed was to appear weak in front of my former friend. "But I'm not going to stop him for being suspicious. I may be on…neutral terms with the Night Court, but that does not mean I'm interested in a new alliance. Especially without even sending a letter first." My eyes dropped back at the girl. This must have been his mate, I remembered suddenly. But the last time I checked, there were rumors that she was with the shadowsinger. Of course, that was months ago.
"We're here for personal reasons," Lucien replied. One of my eyebrows perked up, slightly interested.
"And why would you need my help? Especially on a day like this where I'm supposed to be preparing for Calanmai?" I asked coolly, ignoring Jurian's huff. Lucien looked at me and then look at his mate. To my surprise, she stepped forward.
"I had a vision," she said. "That you would need us."
I apologize if this seems rushed or a bit rough. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to portray Jurian and Tamlin because my proposition is that they've changed throughout the weeks preceding after the war. If you're interested in another chapters, review!