"I want to listen to it." The break in the established silence between them startled him. "What?" he replied quietly.
"The tape. Let me listen to the tape." Her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks tear-stained, but he could see that determination, a stubbornness that he could only attribute to a trait of his that she had picked up over their time together. One of the many, though he was not very proud of that.
"Are you sure? I-"
"I need to listen to it. Let me listen to it." She was staring straight into his soul now, unfalteringly. There was no trace of the Miller he knew, no smile in her eyes, and no life in her voice. He continued to let the eye contact maintain for a moment longer, to see if he could just catch a glimpse, a flicker of the Ellie he once knew. There was no change, and she wouldn't let it go.
He reluctantly got up from his desk to retrieve the tape. He looked at her one last time in case she decided to change her mind, in case she only felt like she had to listen to it because she was working on the case, but there was no sign of that. She was staring at the machine, waiting for sound to come out of it, not even paying attention to his prolonged stare. With one last sigh, he pressed play.
"What was the exact nature of your relationship with Danny?"
"I was in love with him." He didn't want to listen to it again; he didn't want to relive it so soon. He closed his eyes and tried to drown out the sound coming from the tape, tried to listen to the sounds of his own heartbeat, trying to remind himself that he couldn't show this weakness, not now, not in front of her. It was a silly thought, considering she had already seen him on the ground, his heart overworked and overstressed, so helpless. He opened his eyes again and saw her face. Fresh tears were rolling down freely, falling on the exposed part of her neck. She was still staring intently at it, as if she could see what actually happened in the room in front of her eyes. He wondered if he should take the place on the couch next to her, to somehow try to console her, but decided against it when he realized he'd probably be as much help as a stone statue. Hardened, she said. The name fit, but he never wanted her to become like him. He felt it would have been inevitable with the job eventually, but he didn't want to be the cause. He gathered himself out of his thoughts and looked at her again, really focusing this time. He could see she was right on the edge of completely breaking down.
"Why did you need to give Danny that amount of money, Joe?"
"I wanted him to love me." She got up and went to the corner like before, sobbing so violently that she was gagging, and he stopped the tape before he went over to her side. He hated this. He hated Joe for doing this to the town, to the family, to her, and he hated himself for being right. He so desperately wanted to take that raw pain from her and take it on himself; he's been through betrayal before and if he went through it again he might well die in the process, but it'd be worth it to take it away from her.
She got up again slowly, his hand never breaking contact as she stood straight again. She gave him one last desperate look and collapsed against his chest, crying into his shirt and he pulled her closer, running a soothing hand across her back. Her hair smelt like vanilla, and he could pretend that they were 'Sir' and 'Miller' again, a name not tainted by everything that has happened since then. She loosened her grip and wiped her face, trying to compose herself the way she did when they were delivering heartbreaking news. She always wore her heart on her sleeve, and to see how easy it was for her to completely change her demeanor now was tragic. There wasn't any doubt that they had both changed during their time together, becoming more like the other with each passing week. For him, it was for the better, but for her it was for the worst, and it was all his fault.
A fellow officer had come to collect her to take her to her house to retrieve her things. He moved with her, reluctant to break the contact that they had been sharing since he told her the news. "I'll see you soon." He ran a last smoothing hand across her arm and she was out the door. His eyes continued to follow her until she was officially out of sight and he let out a sigh. He wanted to run out to her, to hold her and never let her go…out of everyone in this godforsaken town, of all the suspects they had, all the time they invested in this case, why did it have to be him? They were playing a losing game from the start. He noticed the dark spots on his tie where her tears had fallen and caressed his thumb over them. He felt moisture on his own face, and a single teardrop fell on his hand. He laid back into the couch and closed his eyes.