This is my first SVU fic, so please be nice. I usually write Grey's stories but, this has been in my head a little while and I felt the need to just get it out there.
The title is a Carrie Underwood song, hopefully the choice will make sense as the story progresses.
I'm not inclined, just yet, to put any warnings regarding content in since I don't want to spoil the idea of the story, just be aware of your own limits when reading. PLEASE! I won't be offended if people need to skip parts or stop reading altogether, we have all had to do it.
Rollins POV
I can hear the shrill of my cell somewhere in the room. Last night was a rough night. After a particularly difficult case that we finally closed yesterday, I needed to unwind. Finding myself in the bar, just around the corner from my apartment. I have little memory of what time I left, or just how much I drank, but I'd say from the pounding in my head right now, it was more than enough.
Groaning, I roll off the edge of my bed, noticing I didn't even remove yesterday's clothes when I arrived home. After much pushing around of dirty laundry, I eventually find my cell. Looking at the caller ID, I sigh, before answering in the usual official manner.
"Rollins." I mutter, trying to hide the raging hangover that is currently consuming me.
"We caught a case. All hands on deck." Comes the stoic voice of my superior through the handset.
"What's the address, Lieutenant?" I ask, trying to keep the volume low.
"17 West 17th street." Benson tells me, hanging up without any further conversation.
Benson has been hard on me from day one of my time in the unit. I don't know exactly why, maybe it's because she sees me as the replacement for her long term partner. I doubt I'll ever really know since she's possibly the most closed off and private human being I have ever met. She is all about the victims and the cases. I mean, I get it, she's been doing it a long time and I see how a certain amount of a person's private life would need to be shut away from the job, but she seems completely shut down. I admire her, I have no idea how she does it. I finish every day, every single day, wanted to drink myself into oblivion, or gamble away the hell that is the cases we deal with. Every morning is a struggle. And just when you think you've seen it all, something else comes along that's even more heinous than the last case.
I quickly grab a shower and dress ready for another undoubtedly long day. Being sure to douse myself in perfume and brush my teeth, desperately trying to hide the stench of stale alcohol from last night. I grab a croissant from the cupboard and head out the door, making my way as quickly as possible to the address lieutenant Benson had given me twenty minutes earlier.
Pulling up at the address I was given, I abandon the car and head towards the door with a uniform stood outside of it. Flashing him my badge as I enter the building. Momentarily coming face to face with my superior officer, lieutenant Olivia Benson.
"Could you have taken any longer Rollins?" She barks at me, causing me to squint as pain shoots through my head.
"Sorry." I mutter. Choosing not to say anything else since Benson is clearly already in a bad mood.
"Patrol received a call from a local school this morning, a fourteen year old girl opened up to a teacher, saying her stepfather was sexually abusing her. But we need to be careful here, her mother has lung cancer, she's hospitalised, and the victim has a younger brother and sister. Ten and eleven years old." Benson fills me in.
The more she says, the more this feels familiar. I can feel the blood draining from my features, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if that's due to the case or the excessive alcohol consumption. A sudden urge to vomit overwhelms me as I run out to the front garden. The alcohol filled contents of my stomach making a reappearance all over he family's front lawn.
This is all too familiar.
"Rollins, you ok?" Benson asks me, no hint of caring in her completely flat tone.
"Yeah." I respond nodding my head cautiously.
"How much did you drink last night?" My boss asks me, her eyebrow raised. I can instantly feel my cheeks flushing. I don't want, or need the million and one questions about how much and how often I drink.
Instead of answering her, I just shrug. Purposely avoiding meeting her gaze. I know the look I'll see if I do. Disappointment, it's always disappointment.
"Get yourself cleaned up." She tells me, turning to walk away, stopping just short of the door. "And Rollins, maybe try some mouthwash?" She says causing me to meet her gaze, the slightest hint of amusement on her lips. An expression I've never seen her wear being.
"Will do lieutenant." I respond, giving her a grimace more than a smile since I'm honestly mortified right now.
The rest of the day is a blur, the case hits a dead end since the victim won't or can't talk about what's happened to her. That and she's angry that her teacher called SVU. We sit around doing paperwork and mulling over ways to nail the sick son of a bitch that's been putting his stepdaughter through hell for the last however long. No one really engaging with anyone else.
I stare at my pile of paperwork, not really concentrating on what's going on around me. I can't take my mind off of that girl. It brings back so many memories, it hits too close to home.
18 years earlier
My brother, my sister and I, we are sat in the living room. Sharing two arm chairs between the three of us. Me occupying one, my siblings the other since they're younger and smaller. My mother and stepfather sat on the sofa. They'd called us down from our respective bedrooms, apparently there was a family meeting. Now, the five of us sit in silence waiting for one of the adults to explain what's going on. Some crappy game show playing on the TV with the sound turned off. But I'm watching it all the same.
I'm old enough to be aware of what's been going on, to understand even. Doctors appointments, hospital visits. The secrecy. The obvious sickness riddling my mother's body. I didn't know what it was, but I understood it was bad. I knew just how bad it was that day.
"I have lung cancer." My mother finally says. Her voice wavering as she speaks the words. My stepfather flinching at the words erupting from her mouth.
I sit there, quietly, numb even. At a loss for words. My brother and sister, they're ten and eleven, but they're smart kids. They know how bad this is as well, both of them breaking down into tears, holding onto each other for dear life as my mother beckons them to her.
There's no words, I sit in silence, my gaze staring blankly at the TV flickering. Without saying a word, I stand and head back to my room, putting my headphone in and blocking out the rest of the world. Maybe she'll be ok, maybe she can fight it. Maybe she won't, maybe she can't.
"Rollins." Olivia calling my name pulls me from my flash back with a startle.
"Yes boss." I respond, trying to hide the obvious withdrawal as I answer her.
"My office." She says sternly. My eyes instantly rolling and my shoulders slumping.
There's no doubt in my mind, lieutenant Benson is probably about to suspend me for showing up at a victim's home somewhat intoxicated from the night before. Not to mention I was almost definitely still over the limit when I get behind the wheel of my car this morning.
Entering Olivia's office, I stand there, waiting for the bollocking I know is coming.
"Close the door." She says firmly. I close the door as I've just been told to do, returning to my position in front of her desk, not bothering to sit since this is going to be an ear bashing.
Minutes of silence pass by, the lieutenant scribbling on the paperwork in front of her whilst I just stand and wait for the onslaught.
"Rollins, you're putting me in a really difficult position. You show up still half drunk, you're late, you're reckless. You're lucky we're so short staffed right now, otherwise I would have suspended you already." She tells me, I say nothing, not wanting to anger my commanding officer any further.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" She finally puts down her pen, her intense brown eyes meeting mine. I just shake my head.
I want to apologise, but honestly, I don't think Sorry is going to cut it right now. Nothing I have to say right now will ever be enough.
"You're dismissed. It's 6pm, go home." She tells me, I give her a sharp nod and exit her office, grabbing my coat and leave the precinct as quickly as possible.
After a day like that, I just want to be alone. Drunk and alone. Making a quick stop at the liquor store on the way home, I pick up a bottle of whiskey and jump back in the car. Driving the all too familiar route back to my apartment.
As I walk through my apartment door, I don't even bother with a glass for the whiskey, the bottle open and to my lips before my front door is even closed. The amber liquid hitting the back of my throat and warming my insides. I take another couple of swigs from the bottle, my back lent against my front door.
My mind wanders back to that day, the day that everything changed. The day we all found out about my mothers cancer. Sliding down my front door, I sit on the floor, my head resting against the cold wood as I relive that day, over and over again. Drinking from the bottle. The occasional overwhelming thought of our victim creeping in as well. Until I pass out, drunk, again.
Let me know what you thought of chapter one please. I can tell you now, this story won't be a walk in the park to read. It will be raw and sometimes hard to stomach but I hope people will enjoy the story telling and review please! x