Disclaimer: I do not own characters or show, etc.
Summary: "I know I'm not a good guy. I'm the bad boy, the guy that no one wants to mess with. I don't feel regret, not for anything I do." This is a one-shot look at what I feel one character maybe feeling about events in the show. It's my attempt to give some humanity to a character that we don't know a whole lot about. I'm going to let you guess which character it is about. There are some vague references to some spoilers from season 4 episodes after Bark at the Moon.
A/N: Yes I know there are some grammatical errors. I purposefully put them in there, because I know the character whose point-of-view I am writing from would not think in grammatically correct, complete sentences.
No RegretsI know I'm not a good guy. I'm the bad boy, the guy that no one wants to mess with. I don't feel regret, not for anything I do.
I'm the guy who everyone looks to when something bad happens. When something is stolen, it's probably in my favorite pawnshop. When someone has a black eye or split lip – it's probably because of me. When some girls get a STD, I gave it to my girl friend and a couple of other girls. When someone brings a gun to school and shoots some people, it was because of me. I'm the villain in the story of my life. I always have been. I probably always will be. In the end, the blame game always ends up with me. But, no regrets.
But, as I watch her, standing by her locker and talking to her friends, smiling, laughing…. Something inside of me makes me kind of wish I was the hero. Like in one of those movies Alex (yet another person I hurt – but no regrets) always made me watch when she was feeling "girly" (before rewarding me for wasting my time in some very interesting ways). You know the hero, the guy who saves the day and gets the girl in the end. Only the hero gets a girl like her. The villain always messes with her for a little bit, only to lose her to the more deserving hero in the end. And I'm not no hero. I'm the bad guy. The guy who ends up dead or in prison or something like that in the end – the one who ends up girlless and alone. But, no regrets.
She doesn't talk to me anymore, you know. She used to at least acknowledge my presence. Now I do not exist. She never even looks my way. I'm just a mistake she would rather forget. Not that I blame her of course. I ruined her life, just like I ruined Spinner's and Jimmy's and Sean's and R….. but enough about that. No regrets.
I see her talking to a guy. He has dark hair, which keeps falling into his eyes. I guess if I was a girl, I wouldn't think he was ugly or anything. She's smiling and laughing. Looks like she's found the hero. Which is good. She deserves a hero. She doesn't deserve me. She never did. I'm just the guy who messes with her for a little bit, who breaks her life into little pieces. He's the one who will pick up those pieces, the hero who gets the girl. But, I have no regrets.
Sometimes, I wish I hadn't started the game I had with her. She was a challenge, at least that was what I told myself. But, in the end, she was what I wanted more than anything in the world. And I got her, for a little bit. And for a second, a millisecond, she made me think I could be something more than the villain. That maybe, just maybe, with her, I could be … well not the hero, but maybe just a normal guy. But I should have known better. I'm the bad guy. And I have no regrets.
I'm the mistake she is trying to forget. I'm not good enough for her. I'm the villain. The guy that everyone blames. The person without a conscience. I have no regrets, right? No regrets, because I'm not to blame for any of it, right? Sure, I bullied Rick, but did I make him bring the gun to school? I didn't put a loaded gun into his backpack, did I? I didn't get it out and make him pull the trigger and shoot Jimmy, did I? I didn't make him point it at… her, did I? I didn't make Sean wrestle the gun away from him, did I? I didn't paralyze Jimmy and cause Rick to die, did I? It was all Rick! Sure, Spin and I pulled the prank then told Rick that the paint and feathers thing was Jimmy's idea, but I didn't aim the gun and pull the trigger, did I? And it's not my fault if she wasn't able to deal with it. And sure, I messed around with some girls, but I didn't make the girls hook up with me without a condom, did I? Sure, I gave her a STD and made her the talk of the school, but I didn't make her do anything she didn't want to do, so it's not my fault, is it? It's not my fault she never dealt with the whole Rick thing. I still thought she was the same stuck-up Miss Perfect when I started our game. I never knew she was such a great actress until it was too late. I didn't see until the end how broken she was. But I didn't break her life to pieces, did I? I didn't cause the whole Rick thing, did I? And I didn't take advantage of her when she was the most vulnerable, did I? Not my fault, no regrets. I am incapable of regret, ain't I?
No regrets…. I have no regrets about any of it, because none of it is my fault. No regrets…. Why do I find I am repeating that phrase to myself more and more often lately? Every night I repeat it to myself as I try to forget everything. No regrets…. The motto I live by. But why is my motto starting to sound more and more like a question?