I Should Have
Word Count: 1801
Type: Angst, Fluff
Description: "I know now that they'll meet eyes, and Phil will smile his cute toothy grin that I had come to love, and then she'll swoon and blush and hid her face, looking anywhere but at Phil." Or the one where Dan loses Phil…almost.
A/N: I hope you enjoy, send me a prompt if you want.
Maybe if I had done the dishes a few extra times, maybe if I had done the laundry that one time he asked, maybe if I had texted him back a second quicker, maybe if I told him how I felt, maybe if I had kissed him, maybe he'd still be here. But those were all maybes. Maybes that I can't go back and do.
I should have known that it could only last so long. That eventually one of us would want someone to hold at night, someone to kiss anytime they pleased. I should have known my time was running out. I mean it had been seven years, how did I not know.
I know now though. I know now that they'll meet eyes, and Phil will smile his cute toothy grin that I had come to love, and then she'll swoon and blush and hid her face, looking anywhere but at Phil. Then later at that same party, a little drunk, she'd come over to us, ignoring me entirely, and start talking to Phil, who saw no harm in what she was doing. I know now that I should have stayed, I should have stayed right beside him, joined in the conversation like I had done zillions of times before. But she was so pretty, much prettier than myself. So pretty that my jealously that was bubbling inside my stomach, told me that that was what Phil deserved, someone close to his beauty, because no one could match it.
I should have said something that night when we returned home, the cab in awkward silence. My throat close to tears, eyes wanting to release them and let them flow, when he said that she was lovely and that he got her number as "friends". I should have done something when we got to the flat and I made a beeline towards my room, wanting to hide from the world, when he stopped me and was trying to look into my eyes, asking what was wrong. I had turned my head away, and made a nasty claim, starting the silent war that would break us.
I should have told him what was wrong I should have told him right then and there. But I didn't.
I should have done something after he came back from their first date, not yet together, perfect time to change the fate of our relationship. But I didn't. He'd come home, looking for me, telling me that he'd had fun, but looking reluctant to share. I put my earbuds in after a "Glad you had fun." Because I was, I was glad he was happy, finding someone he'd be able to love in anyway, but so fucking sad that it wasn't me. I should have told him that I wanted to be that person. But I didn't, I had starred at my computer, letting him sigh and get up off the end of my bed, shutting the door and leaving.
I should have said something when they were going out now regularly. I should have been out there and said something, but I wasn't. I was hid in my room, locked away, hating myself for what I had become and for what I was doing.
I should have said something when he introduced her as his girlfriend, when she had come around our flat to hang out with us. I should have stayed and tried to play nice. But I didn't, I said my hellos and then my goodbyes, leaving the apartment, going to a bar to drink away the problem.
That's when I should have said something. But I hadn't. Now it was too late and I knew that. But it has been a year, a fucking year since I should have first told him, a year since I should have stayed by his side at that stupid fucking party, making her back off, even if she must be lovely if Phil liked her. A year since I knew my life, my world, was changing for the worse.
"Dan, I don't understand why you're making a big deal out of this, we can still hang out." He said, and I can't even look him in the eyes, I felt betrayed. I felt empty.
"Yeah I'm sure we will." I say in a sarcastic tone, folding my arms across my chest, leaning back into my sofa crease, letting him roll his eyes and letting his anger build.
"Stop doing that! Stop acting like I'm leaving you!" He said bitterly, standing up in anger. I stood now to, unbelieving of the nerve he had to say that to me.
"YOU ARE!" I scream into his face that was barely a few inches from my own. In any other situation, I would have gone brain dead that close to his lips, so close to feel his breathing on my face. But not today, because today he was telling me goodbye. Telling me I wasn't worth his time anymore.
"LIKE HELL I AM! DAN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO HUH?" He said pushing me away from him, walking to the dinner table, before walking over to me, starring me in the face. "I CAN'T STAY HERE WHEN ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR THE PAST YEAR IS IGNORE ME AND ACT LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF BAD GUY!" He screamed pointing a finger at me accusingly. He did blame me, of course he did, I did.
"WELL I'M SO FUCKING SORRY! ALRIGHT I'M SO FUCKING SORRY THAT I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU AND HER AND BE AS HAPPY AS YOU GUYS FUCKING ARE, ALRIGHT! I'M SORRY I CAN'T JUST PLAY THE ROLL OF BEST FRIEND AND PAT YOU ON THE BACK AND SAY I'M FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU FINDING SOMEONE! I'M SO FUCKING SORRY! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?" I scream into his face, making him stumble backwards as I walk him into the chair by our wall of windows, yelling at him, finally letting it all out, why? Because it doesn't matter anymore, he's going to leave anyway.
"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?" He screamed, turning the tables walking me to the sofa, where my legs were pressed hard against the fabric. "SOMEONE ACTAULLY LIKES ME, SOMEONE WHO I LIKE AS WELL! WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY I FOUND SOMEONE WHO WANTS ME?" He yelled harshly, breathing out heavily.
"BECAUSE SHE'S NOT ME! I'M NOT HAPPY BECAUSE SHE GETS TO HANG OFF YOUR LIPS AND I DON'T! SHE GETS TO KISS YOU AND CUDDLE AND BE WITH YOU! I'M PISSED BECAUSE IT'S NOT ME!" I yell, not thinking. Regretting it immediately, Phil's face goes into a blank expression, letting his anger go. I huff out a breath of air and look at his eyes, seeing Phil trying desperately to understand. I go to push away after a moment of silence. I told him finally. Phil grabbed my shoulder, holding me in place. I turn my head back to him, meeting his eyes, pleading with them asking "what?" His face looked soft now, his jaw unclenched, his eyes glowing and soft. His lips in a soft smile. I half except an "I'm sorry I didn't know Dan." And then he'd let me go, and he'd leave, never to speak to me again. He moved his hand that was resting on my shoulder to my cheek, stroking it with his thumb, and I closed my eyes, imaging for a minute that we were fine. Leaning into his touch, opening my eyes realizing what I was doing, moving my arm to press against his chest going to push him off. But I stopped as it hit his chest lightly, as he pulled my face down to meet his. Lips colliding softly, passionately, lovingly. He moves his other arm to wrap around my waist still pulling me closer. I let go of my cares, getting lost in the feel of his lips. I move my arms to around his neck pulling him a little too hard, making us both tumble backwards onto the sofa, but our lips never left each other. My hands finding their way to his hair. Kissing back with all my emotions, letting every shit I cared free. Phil sighed contently on my lips as he pulled back for a second before placing a much lighter more innocent kiss onto my lips. He rested his forehead against mine as he pulled off my lips. He nuzzled our noses together, making me open my eyes to find his soft ocean filled ones flooding into mine.
"I'm sorry." My heart dropped thinking of what was to come. The heartbreak that was sure to follow. He looked at me lovingly but my mind screamed that it was a lie. "I never meant to hurt you." He said kissing my forehead, pulling me into his chest, instinctively I wrapped my arms around his waist, cuddling into him. "I've liked you for ages." He mumbled into my hair, rubbing my back in a calming manner.
"What about your girlfriend?" I ask hitting myself for ruining the moment, feeling suddenly guilty for kissing Phil when he had a girlfriend.
"I'm going to break it off." He added and the guilt doubled, feeling horrible for ruining their relationship even if this is what I've wanted for seven years.
"Don't do that, you're happy with her." I say pulling away to look him in the eyes trying to make it seem like I was actually okay with that.
"She's not you, Dan." He mumbled pulling me into his embrace yet again. "I like her, but I'm in love with you." He said kissing my temple, moving down my head, giving little kisses along his path to my lips. He whispered against them before planting his on mine, "I should have said something, she was someone I could be happy with if need be, but you, you Dan, you were who I wanted, she was just there when I gave up hope on you." he kissed me again, kissing me softly and full of love. "I didn't say something when I should have, but now I have." He kissed me with a little more pressure, but just as much love. "I'm undeniably in love with you, always have been, always will be." He said, placing his plump lips on my own, I kiss back breathing into his words, letting them fill my lungs, and flow through my body, filling me with love and hope.
"I'm in love with you Phil." I say into the kiss, allowing him to know his feelings were reciprocated. "I have been for seven years." I say deepening the kiss. Maybe I should have told him sooner, but I told him, and now I have him.