DA BOUNTHER – By Flipside & PurpleHaze… AKA Slunchy!!
DISCLAIMER: Yello. 'Tis not mine. Nor is it yours. Baargh.
BEWARE VOLT FANS: We dislike him. He WILL be bashed and WILL wear a pink sweater. Be warned.
BEWARE STRANGE, STRANGE SION FANS: If you like him you WILL be offended and you WILL be shot by the OH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO TASTE militia.
BEWARE DOMINIQUE FANS: Jesus H. Christ on a cross you suck. So there.
BEWARE KOU FANS: (Slits eyes nastily) He's ourssssss….
(Annoying, flashy starting sequence plays… black screen with writing on appears.)
Narrator With Lisp: (Over-enthusiastically) DA BOUNTHER!
(In story mode, after the opening FMV.)
SCENE: 'Fate' Bar. Sion and Kou are sitting around looking bored.)
Sion: (boredly) It sure is quiet around here…
Kou: Yes… p'raps TOO quiet… (Shifty-eyed glance)
(Volt walks in wearing a matching leisure suit with a pink sweater tied around his grotesquely-muscular shoulders.)
Kou: Uh… (Looks at Sion)
Sion: (Has his eyes shut, so is oblivious to Volt's presence)
Volt: (If he grinned anymore the top of his head would slide off) Hey Kou baby! Wassup?
(Kou looks disturbed for a moment)
Kou: …
Volt: Sion, like, it's your shift, okay?
Sion: (Looks up)… (Shuts his eyes) … Yeah, yeah… I know… Dominique.
(Dominique appears a little off cue… Volt walks backwards out of shot)
Dominique: (Irritatingly brightly) Like, I'm all here and stuff! (Giggles until it gets insanely annoying) Tee hee!
Sion: (Jumps up on the table and points a finger dramatically) DOMINIIIQUE!!! (Using his full vocabulary for the whole game in one sentence) Dominique, You'll pay for this, I have what it takes!!
Kou: (Looks at Sion) …
Dominique: (Looks blank) … Hee! I have something for you!
(Dominique throws a little pendant-y thingy at Sion, hitting him in the nards)
Sion: HAHA! I feel nothing! GROIN OF STEEL! (Takes the pendant and waves it in circles around his head)
(Volt walks back in, now wearing his usual outfit)
Volt: Ahem. Sion, it's YOUR shift!
Kou: (Shakes head) No, no Volt, its SION, it's your SHIFT!
Volt: Oh, okay. (Clears throat) Sion, IT'S your shift!
Kou: Volt! It's: SION, it's your SHIFT!
Volt: SION, IT'S YOUR SHIFT!
Kou: (Sighs) That'll do.
Sion: Yeah, yeah. I know.
(They are interrupted by a mob of pre-pubescent mini-mart employees wearing metal colanders on their heads and waving light sabres made of cardboard)
Mini-Mart Employee: (In a tone that was probably meant to be menacing, but which lost the effect due to the amount of times his voice broke during the sentence) YARGH! FEAR THE WRATH OF MY AMAZING EVIL POWERS AND STUFF!
Kou, Volt and Sion: Uh…
Dominique: Teehee! They so kyooot!
Other Mini-Mart Employee (Not the one who just spoke before): YESH! WE ARE VERY SMELLY, AND WILL BE REALLY ANNOYED IF YOU DO NOT DEFICATE ON US! (Pushes his glasses up higher on his nose)
Volt: Hey! I know you guys! You're those people who work for the universal Mini-Mart Corporation (who are plotting to take over the parking lot using a huge satellite and a certain girl-who-is-really-a-robot to blow stuff up) that I used to work for in my mysterious, yet-to-be-revealed past, right?
Mini-Mart Employee: Shhh! You'll ruin the plot!
Everyone: (Turns to look at Mini-Mart Employee) …plot?
Kou: (Breaks the silence that follows, snapping back into fierce bouncer guy mode) FECK YOU GUYS! (Takes on an heroic pose) You shall never take me alive!
Sion: Yeah! (Does his weird-ass break-dancing combo move that never works properly)
Kou: Man Sion… you suck.
Sion: I… I… Uh… DOMINIQUE!!
(Chief Mini-Mart Employee grabs Dominique, who is currently sucking on a lollipop.)
Dominique: (Making sucking noises and twirling her hair around her finger) Tee hee! You're so strong and manly!
(She is dragged off out a window. The other Employees follow, breaking stuff as they leave.)
Sion: DOMINIQUE!!!!!
Kou: Uh, Sion… that is getting really annoying now. She's gone. We can just close up for the night.
Sion: NEVER!!! Dominique, my love, my one true chikadee! Don't leeeave! (Makes a jump for the window they went through)
Volt: (Grabbing Sion in mid-jump) Hold up there, little guy…
Sion: But… but… DOMINI—Volt… please take your hand off those.
Volt: Oh… Sorry.
Kou: It's okay guys… We'll get Dominique back. Everything will be fine. I have… (Looks shifty)… connections…
(Kou pulls out a cell phone and dials a number)
Kou: Uh, yeah. I'll have two large pizzas with everything on it.
Sion: This is no time for pizza! (Whiny little boy voice) What about Dominiiiique!?
Kou: (Sighs and hangs up) Fine. (Dials another number. A conversation that is really dull and boring happens, and he says something about a train going to the Mini-Mart and stuff.)
Volt: Let's go!
SCENE: Outside, in a courtyard type thing.
(A disturbingly shiny black kitty appears)
Kitty: Meow?
Kou: Hey Sion, do you recognise that cat?
Sion: … Nope. Never seen that kitty that somewhat resembles that girl I used to know who I thought died in a freak accident, but who REALLY was being experimented on by the wobbly clerks who work for the Mini-Mart Corporation.
Kou: Ah, Okay then.
(A squadron of Employees drop down from the sky and squint at them over their coke-bottle glasses maliciously. The sound of zits bursting can be heard.)
Volt: Ewww… pre-teen! I mean… uh… YAY! WE WILL PULVERISE YOU WITH OUR UNDEVELOPED MOVES THAT SUCK RIGHT NOW!
Kou: Um… YEAH!
Sion: Damn straight! I'll take you on!
(A battle ensues. There is much 'Ouchie' noises and people flying around like ragdolls)
Bruised Employee: (Lying on the ground, his limbs positioned in unnatural ways) ACK! We are beaten! Damn, this is worse than when Luke cut off Vader's hand!
Kou: Shut your sissy bitchin', you filthy sunnavahore! PLERGH!
Volt: Whoo! Go Kou baby!
Sion: We'd better hurry… the train leaves soon! (Mumbles) Dominique.
SCENE: We are lazy and forgetful… they are now at the train station.
Kou: (After having bashed the shit outta the rent-a-cops) Welp, I spose we wont be needing tickets then.
(SFX: BADOOM CHING!)
Kou: (Bowing) Thankyou, thankyou, I'm here 'til Thursday.
Sion: … Dominique and stuff.
Volt: The train's moving!
Kou: ACK! TRAUMA!
(Volt and Kou jump on easily. Sion falls over while reaching for Volt's hand.)
Sion: ARGH! I fell over while reaching for Volt's hand!
Volt: Curses! Thwarted!
Kou: Ah well, he isn't that good anyways.
Sion: (Annoyingly determined) REEAACH!
(Slow motion shot of Sion reaching for Volt's hand, as Kou tries to pull the hand back so Sion can't get on the train and be all stupid for the rest of the game.)
Sion: (Gets onto the train)YES! Got it!
Kou: Shit.
Sion: NOW! Let's go find…
Volt: (Sighs) Here it comes.
Sion: …DOMINIQUE!
OOH! SUSPENSE! Will they get to the Mini-Mart intact? Will Kou go insane and attack Sion? Will Volt rape the entire male cast of the game? Find out in… THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
Coming soon to a Crappy Parody Fic near YOU!
DISCLAIMER: Yello. 'Tis not mine. Nor is it yours. Baargh.
BEWARE VOLT FANS: We dislike him. He WILL be bashed and WILL wear a pink sweater. Be warned.
BEWARE STRANGE, STRANGE SION FANS: If you like him you WILL be offended and you WILL be shot by the OH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO TASTE militia.
BEWARE DOMINIQUE FANS: Jesus H. Christ on a cross you suck. So there.
BEWARE KOU FANS: (Slits eyes nastily) He's ourssssss….
(Annoying, flashy starting sequence plays… black screen with writing on appears.)
Narrator With Lisp: (Over-enthusiastically) DA BOUNTHER!
(In story mode, after the opening FMV.)
SCENE: 'Fate' Bar. Sion and Kou are sitting around looking bored.)
Sion: (boredly) It sure is quiet around here…
Kou: Yes… p'raps TOO quiet… (Shifty-eyed glance)
(Volt walks in wearing a matching leisure suit with a pink sweater tied around his grotesquely-muscular shoulders.)
Kou: Uh… (Looks at Sion)
Sion: (Has his eyes shut, so is oblivious to Volt's presence)
Volt: (If he grinned anymore the top of his head would slide off) Hey Kou baby! Wassup?
(Kou looks disturbed for a moment)
Kou: …
Volt: Sion, like, it's your shift, okay?
Sion: (Looks up)… (Shuts his eyes) … Yeah, yeah… I know… Dominique.
(Dominique appears a little off cue… Volt walks backwards out of shot)
Dominique: (Irritatingly brightly) Like, I'm all here and stuff! (Giggles until it gets insanely annoying) Tee hee!
Sion: (Jumps up on the table and points a finger dramatically) DOMINIIIQUE!!! (Using his full vocabulary for the whole game in one sentence) Dominique, You'll pay for this, I have what it takes!!
Kou: (Looks at Sion) …
Dominique: (Looks blank) … Hee! I have something for you!
(Dominique throws a little pendant-y thingy at Sion, hitting him in the nards)
Sion: HAHA! I feel nothing! GROIN OF STEEL! (Takes the pendant and waves it in circles around his head)
(Volt walks back in, now wearing his usual outfit)
Volt: Ahem. Sion, it's YOUR shift!
Kou: (Shakes head) No, no Volt, its SION, it's your SHIFT!
Volt: Oh, okay. (Clears throat) Sion, IT'S your shift!
Kou: Volt! It's: SION, it's your SHIFT!
Volt: SION, IT'S YOUR SHIFT!
Kou: (Sighs) That'll do.
Sion: Yeah, yeah. I know.
(They are interrupted by a mob of pre-pubescent mini-mart employees wearing metal colanders on their heads and waving light sabres made of cardboard)
Mini-Mart Employee: (In a tone that was probably meant to be menacing, but which lost the effect due to the amount of times his voice broke during the sentence) YARGH! FEAR THE WRATH OF MY AMAZING EVIL POWERS AND STUFF!
Kou, Volt and Sion: Uh…
Dominique: Teehee! They so kyooot!
Other Mini-Mart Employee (Not the one who just spoke before): YESH! WE ARE VERY SMELLY, AND WILL BE REALLY ANNOYED IF YOU DO NOT DEFICATE ON US! (Pushes his glasses up higher on his nose)
Volt: Hey! I know you guys! You're those people who work for the universal Mini-Mart Corporation (who are plotting to take over the parking lot using a huge satellite and a certain girl-who-is-really-a-robot to blow stuff up) that I used to work for in my mysterious, yet-to-be-revealed past, right?
Mini-Mart Employee: Shhh! You'll ruin the plot!
Everyone: (Turns to look at Mini-Mart Employee) …plot?
Kou: (Breaks the silence that follows, snapping back into fierce bouncer guy mode) FECK YOU GUYS! (Takes on an heroic pose) You shall never take me alive!
Sion: Yeah! (Does his weird-ass break-dancing combo move that never works properly)
Kou: Man Sion… you suck.
Sion: I… I… Uh… DOMINIQUE!!
(Chief Mini-Mart Employee grabs Dominique, who is currently sucking on a lollipop.)
Dominique: (Making sucking noises and twirling her hair around her finger) Tee hee! You're so strong and manly!
(She is dragged off out a window. The other Employees follow, breaking stuff as they leave.)
Sion: DOMINIQUE!!!!!
Kou: Uh, Sion… that is getting really annoying now. She's gone. We can just close up for the night.
Sion: NEVER!!! Dominique, my love, my one true chikadee! Don't leeeave! (Makes a jump for the window they went through)
Volt: (Grabbing Sion in mid-jump) Hold up there, little guy…
Sion: But… but… DOMINI—Volt… please take your hand off those.
Volt: Oh… Sorry.
Kou: It's okay guys… We'll get Dominique back. Everything will be fine. I have… (Looks shifty)… connections…
(Kou pulls out a cell phone and dials a number)
Kou: Uh, yeah. I'll have two large pizzas with everything on it.
Sion: This is no time for pizza! (Whiny little boy voice) What about Dominiiiique!?
Kou: (Sighs and hangs up) Fine. (Dials another number. A conversation that is really dull and boring happens, and he says something about a train going to the Mini-Mart and stuff.)
Volt: Let's go!
SCENE: Outside, in a courtyard type thing.
(A disturbingly shiny black kitty appears)
Kitty: Meow?
Kou: Hey Sion, do you recognise that cat?
Sion: … Nope. Never seen that kitty that somewhat resembles that girl I used to know who I thought died in a freak accident, but who REALLY was being experimented on by the wobbly clerks who work for the Mini-Mart Corporation.
Kou: Ah, Okay then.
(A squadron of Employees drop down from the sky and squint at them over their coke-bottle glasses maliciously. The sound of zits bursting can be heard.)
Volt: Ewww… pre-teen! I mean… uh… YAY! WE WILL PULVERISE YOU WITH OUR UNDEVELOPED MOVES THAT SUCK RIGHT NOW!
Kou: Um… YEAH!
Sion: Damn straight! I'll take you on!
(A battle ensues. There is much 'Ouchie' noises and people flying around like ragdolls)
Bruised Employee: (Lying on the ground, his limbs positioned in unnatural ways) ACK! We are beaten! Damn, this is worse than when Luke cut off Vader's hand!
Kou: Shut your sissy bitchin', you filthy sunnavahore! PLERGH!
Volt: Whoo! Go Kou baby!
Sion: We'd better hurry… the train leaves soon! (Mumbles) Dominique.
SCENE: We are lazy and forgetful… they are now at the train station.
Kou: (After having bashed the shit outta the rent-a-cops) Welp, I spose we wont be needing tickets then.
(SFX: BADOOM CHING!)
Kou: (Bowing) Thankyou, thankyou, I'm here 'til Thursday.
Sion: … Dominique and stuff.
Volt: The train's moving!
Kou: ACK! TRAUMA!
(Volt and Kou jump on easily. Sion falls over while reaching for Volt's hand.)
Sion: ARGH! I fell over while reaching for Volt's hand!
Volt: Curses! Thwarted!
Kou: Ah well, he isn't that good anyways.
Sion: (Annoyingly determined) REEAACH!
(Slow motion shot of Sion reaching for Volt's hand, as Kou tries to pull the hand back so Sion can't get on the train and be all stupid for the rest of the game.)
Sion: (Gets onto the train)YES! Got it!
Kou: Shit.
Sion: NOW! Let's go find…
Volt: (Sighs) Here it comes.
Sion: …DOMINIQUE!
OOH! SUSPENSE! Will they get to the Mini-Mart intact? Will Kou go insane and attack Sion? Will Volt rape the entire male cast of the game? Find out in… THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
Coming soon to a Crappy Parody Fic near YOU!