Prompt: loss of the senses
Danny pulled Rikki closer and lost himself in the feel of her smooth hands against his body. When they were together, when they were fucking, because honestly that's all it was he could forget. He could forget what he'd done, he could forget Ruben, and how he hadn't saved him, how he couldn't protect him. He could forget that after fifteen years of working to protect the people of New York City he'd fucked up with the one tiny little person who'd trusted him the most.
And he needed to forget. He needed it to go away. It had to go away.
&
Rikki told him she was pregnant on a Tuesday and they got married that Friday. It was a courthouse marriage, Rikki wore a pantsuit, and he was pretty sure they hadn't even kissed when the judge told them to.
He didn't want a kid. He couldn't keep her kid alive, how the hell was he supposed to keep their kid alive? He did the right thing with marrying her, he knew that. He wouldn't let any child of his be illegitimate, but as far as he was concerned, that was about it. The baby would be Rikki's. She wanted it so badly, to replace Ruben in some way even though that wasn't possible. He knew that Rikki would take care of their son and daughter and he would provide for both of them.
Maybe that would make it right.
&
He was working when Rikki went into labor. Her water broke and her contractions were coming fast. She had to get to the hospital and she couldn't wait for him. She'd hailed a cab. She'd been only minutes from the hospital when the drunk driver had hit the car, making it flip twice before coming to a grinding stop.
Rikki had been rushed into surgery.
At 1 pm on March 15, 2008 Maria Messer was born.
At 2 pm her mother died.
&
Danny refused to see his daughter. He buried his wife on a day filled with rain and clouds. That's was his life was now—nothing but rain and clouds and hell.
He didn't want the kid, he never had, and he told his mother as much when she tried to bring her to his apartment.
"I'm not doing it Ma. I don't want to be a dad. I never did."
"Daniel Messer, I didn't raise a boy who wouldn't fulfill his responsibilities. I raised a man. Now be a man and take care of your daughter."
His eyes passed over the tiny bit of cloth that covered his child and he shook his head, "You take her. You always wanted a girl."
"Danny, I'm not her father or her mother."
"No, her mother's dead," Danny yelled, and he cursed when the baby stirred, "Please, Ma, just…I can't take care of her. Its you or social services, because I'm not raising that kid."
Maria Messer stared at her son for a long time, tears in her eyes, "I love you, Danny. I always will, because you're my son, but never in my life have I been so disappointed in you. When you find the boy I raised for thirty-five years you come see me."
"Ma," he started…but she was already gone.
&
Six months passed. Danny visited his mother and the baby on weekends. He held her once and a while, fed her, changed her, but refused to bond in any other way. He didn't rock her gently or talk to her. He turned his head away when she started to smile or laugh and he completely ignored it when she reached out a tiny hand for him.
He wasn't a father. He never would be.
&
Lindsay Monroe's first job as a CSI in New York was in a dumpster. He goaded her, played a nice little trick on her, and generally tried to knock her down and make her realize where she really was.
Of course, she shut him up when she body slammed a suspect onto a car later that day.
Who knew they grew them so strong in the South?
"Mid-west," she'd said, "Not the South. Glad to know New York schools teach geography."
"I know geography just fine. There's the Hudson, New York, Westchester, and way over there in Europe—Italy. All the important spots."
"That's a lovely ethnocentric little view of the world. I'm sorry should I define ethnocentric for you?"
It went on for days, weeks, round and round they went until neither of them could take it anymore. He made love to her for the first time against the door of his apartment and nothing in his life had ever been more passionate or intimate or…just fucking beautiful.
He was totally in love with her…and totally fucked.
&
He wanted to tell her about the baby, he really did. Then a month went by, then two and he started telling her he wasn't around on Sunday cause he was visiting his Ma and he wanted her to come, but Ma just wasn't up to company.
He went to Church and asked forgiveness for lying and for the hundreds of other sins he committed.
It didn't really make sense, but until he'd met Lindsay, he never really considered what he was doing with the baby to be wrong. He wasn't abandoning her, she had his mother, and he was doing what was best for her.
Somehow falling in love made him see things more clearly. It had cleared away the cobwebs. He started to think maybe what happened with Ruben and Rikki hadn't been his fault. Maybe it had just all been one big sick twist of fate.
He had to tell Lindsay about Maria. He just had to.
&
Of course, fate had other ideas. His mother had a heart attack. It was mild and she would be fine with rest, but Lindsay came with him to the hospital so she saw his mother and then the social worker carried in his child for him to take home.
"You have to take care of her now Danny," Maria said, "I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. Please, you can't give her up. If you do it'll kill me."
Danny knew what Italian mother Catholic guilt felt like. He'd known it all his life. He nodded to his mother, not daring to look at Lindsay, "I promise, Ma. I'll take care of her."
Lindsay didn't say a thing on their way home. They stopped at his mother's house and he got the car seat and some other things for the baby. Lindsay just stared at him and his daughter, back and forth.
"I was going to tell you," he said.
She laughed, quite bitterly, "That's lovely, Dan, when exactly were you going to tell me? Her high school graduation? Maybe our wedding day. Hey, Lindsay, you know you like kids well I have one. Where's her mother? Are you still seeing her?"
"Her mother died the day she was born."
Lindsay face dropped, but she kept glaring, "We've been dating for six months, Danny. I practically live at your place. I've never seen a bottle, or formula, or a toy, or even a damn picture."
"I don't have any of those things. I burned the pictures of Rikki, because I couldn't take it. I don't have any pictures of Maria because she's been living my mom because I couldn't take care of her."
"'Did she interfere with your swinger lifestyle? Maybe now I should ask how many other women don't know about your kid."
"Lindsay, there are no other women. I love you."
She reached over and slapped him, "Let me out of the car."
"Lindsay, we're ten blocks from your apartment."
"Let me out of the damn car, Danny, and stay away from me." She got out at the red light and ran off.
He cursed and hit the steering wheel. Maria woke up and screamed bloody murder.
"Perfect," he said, "Just perfect."
&
Danny wanted to give Lindsay her space he really did. He hoped that after a few days, maybe a week she'd be willing to at least let him explain.
He lasted twenty-four hours. Maria seemed to scream for all of them. He called Lindsay and begged, pleaded to her answer machine.
She showed with a plastic ring of ice that she brought to the baby's mouth. Immediately the screaming stopped.
"Oh thank god," Danny said, "What did you do? What's wrong with her?"
"She's teething," Lindsay said, setting down a stack of library books, "There you go. She's not crying and I brought you lots of parenting manuals. You can read them."
"No, wait, Lindsay please just talk to me." He set the baby down in the bassinet and thanked god when she began drifting off to sleep.
"About what, Danny? I mean, I know we never actually defined ourselves as a couple, but I assumed we were. We spend all our time together, we have a great time together, and for god sakes, six months, six months Danny, and I don't know you have a kid."
"I don't have a kid; at least I didn't feel like I did. I…Rikki and I were together because her son died. He was, his name was Rueben, and I was taking him to get his bike blessed. On the way home there was a robbery and he died. Rikki and I we got together to forget all of it. I didn't love her and when she got pregnant, I didn't want the kid. I married her because I thought it was the right thing to do even though I knew it wasn't enough. When she died, I just…I couldn't deal. I kept thinking Maria would be better off with me mother. I never even said her name because I didn't want to think of what a coward I was being, but then…I met you and I fell in love with you. I didn't know it was possible. I figured it was just one of those made up emotions, but I did. I fell fast and hard and every moment with you made me realize how much I'd fucked up with my daughter. I wanted to make it right. I was going to tell you, I swear I was."
Lindsay sighed and looked away from him, "Even if I believe you Danny, and I'm not saying I do, this changes everything. You're the father of an infant. You have to learn how to take care of her. You don't have time for a serious relationship."
"I would if you helped me take care of her."
"Danny," Lindsay shook her head, "I don't….I always wanted kids, but I assumed they'd be my own. I'm not sure I'd make a very good stepmother. This isn't just something you can try out. Involving a kid is a big thing. Being a parent figure is a big thing. We can't just break up a year from now and think it won't affect her."
"Then let's not break up. Marry me?"
"You're insane," Lindsay told him, "I didn't even know that you had a kid yesterday or that you were a widower or that you are just….a big fat insane liar. Insane, Danny, that's what this is."
"Its not insane," he said, moving closer to her and grabbing her arms, "I love you and you love me."
"I never said that."
"You love me," he told her, "Or you would have drop kicked my ass the minute you found out about Maria."
Lindsay pursed her lips and crinkled her nose, "Fine, okay maybe I do love you, but you hid a dead wife and a kid from me."
"So?" he asked.
"So, you better be getting a giant fucking diamond."
Danny smiled widely a moment before she did. He gathered her close and kissed her. She pulled away before it got too hot, "Hold on mister. We have reading to do."
"But Montana," he protested.
She handed him one of the manuals, "No sex until we figure out what to do if she starts crying again. Get reading."'
"Whatever you say, wife."
"Call me that again and I'll kick your ass for real."