Disclaimer: I don't own RENT, I just borrow the characters.
A/N: I wrote this story a while ago during a really low point in my life. I had fallen into massive depression so I took some of that and turned it into this story. There is a lot of personal meaning behind this story. Don't judge it too much, but do enjoy.
It's up to you if this is slash or friendship. I didn't have a particular one in mind when I wrote it.
Touch
Mark Cohen kept to himself. Not that he kept things to himself. Not that he stayed away from people. Not that he hid from the world. He kept to himself by avoiding touch, and for Mark that was best.
Whenever everyone was over at loft he was alone. He would watch as Collins hugged Angel close. He watched as Mimi's arms were wrapped around Roger's neck. He watched as Maureen and Joanne cuddled. During all, he sat in a chair with his knees pulled up to his chest and her arms wrapped them. He sat huddled in a ball, while everyone enjoyed each other's touch.
Mark loved touch. He loved to be touch. He loved to be held and to feel someone's skin on his. He loved the feeling, but the last time he was touched was when he was with Maureen. He hadn't felt someone's touch since then.
When ever someone would reach out to his shoulder to make sure he was fine, he would flinch and avoid the touch. Mark knew as soon as someone touched him, he would long for the touch. He would long for a touch that he could never have.
Mark avoided touch and people for three years. Three long years he sat in a ball longing for touch, while his heart ached all along. He wanted to be touched, but he wanted to be touched by someone he could never have. Mark longed for Roger's touch.
He watched how Roger held Mimi close. He watched how gentle Roger's fingers traced Mimi's face. Mark's heart longed to be touched like that, but knew it would never happen.
It wasn't until Collins lay in the hospital, did things change. Joanne held a crying Maureen and Roger sat on Collins bed while the four of them talked. Mark sat in a chair in the corner of the room with his knees pulled up to his chest. He hugged himself and rested his head on his knees while watching the four people in front of him. Mark did his best to hide from the world of touch.
Collins noticed Mark was curled into a ball, and had noticed every other time for the past for three years. "Guys, can I talk to Mark for a moment alone?" he asked the other three around his bed. Mark looked up at Collins while Maureen, Joanne and Roger all nodded before leaving the room. Mark tightened the hug to his own body as the door closed.
"Mark, come here. Come sit on the bed." Collins said. Slowly, Mark let himself go and walked over to Collins' bed. He sat on the foot of the bed and pulled his knees up to him again. "Why do you do that?" Collins asked.
"Do what?" Mark asked. It had become habit to sit and hug himself that he didn't even notice it anymore. He knew he did it, but it was second nature and he never thought about it.
"Pull your knees to your chest and basically hug yourself in a tight ball." Collins said. "Mark, are you okay? I've watch you do this for three years."
"I just do it. It's nothing big. It's just something I've gotten use to doing." Mark said. He couldn't tell Collins that he was afraid to be touched. He longed for touch, but he was scared to be touched. He was scared to what it could do to him emotionally.
"Mark, I'm not going to be here much longer. Confide one last thing in me. Talk to me. Tell me why you do that. It will go with me when I leave this world." Collins said. He reached out to touch Mark's arm, but Mark pulled out of reach.
"Don't touch me." Mark said without thinking. As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew Collins would ask.
"Why?" Collins asked.
"I don't like to be touched" Mark lied.
"Bull shit. I watched you years ago with Maureen. You loved it." Collins said. He has won this fight and Mark knew it.
"Alright, but everything I tell you stays with you." Collins nodded his head. "I fear touch. I fear how my mind and body will react to it. I love touch. I love to be held and touched. Nothing sexual, but just the feel of someone else against some part of my body is my weakness. I love it, but I haven't felt someone else's touch for years. So I withdrew from people. I avoid touch, because as soon as it happens, I know I will long for it, which will only make things worse. I have gone three years with only my own touch, and that's all I'll ever have." Mark said.
"You need some kind of contact with someone. You can't avoid people for life."
"I don't avoid people, just touch. I know as soon as it happens, my body will long for it, and it's something that I can't have."
"What about Roger? He misses holding Mimi. He missed having someone to hold. Talk to him, you two can help each other." Collins said.
"And how long before I lose him? I rather not go through it again. I'd rather just stay how I am. It will make life easier when I do lose him." Mark told Collins.
"Alright Mark, I can understand that. I just hope that you will at least talk to Roger. Talking isn't touching." Collins said. Their conversation ended with that.
That night Collins passed away, and everything Mark and Collins had talked about died with him.
Mark sat in his typical position with his knees up to his chest as he sat by the window a week later. Collins passed away a week ago and Mark was still having problems dealing with it.
Roger walked up to the window and sat down with one leg underneath him. He sat across from Mark and looked at him. "You okay?" Roger asked while reached out to touch Mark's arm, just as Collins had.
Mark jumped backwards some from Roger. "I'm fine, just don't touch me." Mark said.
"Are you sure you're fine?" Roger asked.
"I'm fine. I just don't want to be touched." Mark said.
"Why?" Roger asked.
"I just don't." Mark lied. His heart was aching and he was longing for Roger's touch, for some form of comfort, but it would only make things worse for him.
"Mark, what did you and Collins talk about?" Roger asked.
"It doesn't matter. Everything that was said died with him."
"It does matter. You've changed ever since you two talked. You've been withdrawn and you've been ignoring me."
"Roger, nothing in my life matters anymore. I gave up on life years ago, and you are the only reason why I am still alive." Mark said.
"You're life does matter." Roger said as he tried once again to touch Mark, but this time Mark jumped up and looked at him.
"No it doesn't. I'm only here because you still need me. Once you're gone there is nothing left for me. I gave up on life years ago, so it made dying easier." Mark yelled.
"That's not fair to yourself, Mark." Roger said
"Nothing is fair to me!"
"You weren't cursed with this disease. You were lucky." Roger said.
"No, I wasn't cursed with that. I was cursed with something worse. I was cursed with life!" Mark yelled at Roger.
"That's not a curse and you know it." Roger said.
"Yes it is. It's a curse!"
"How?" Roger yelled
"How much longer do I have to live? Years! We just lost Collins and you'll be next. Once you're gone then Joanne and Maureen will leave and I'll be alone. I get to sit there and go to everyone's funeral and each one there are less and less people. I get to watch the people I love die and eventually I will be alone. How is watching everyone die lucky?" Mark yelled.
"There is so much that you can do in your life. You don't have to waste your money on AZT anymore. You can finally live your life." Roger said.
"You are my life!" Mark yelled. "I didn't kill myself years ago because you ended up with HIV and you need me. You have always needed me and you will never know how I need you. I'll never be able to tell you, because it will only destroy my life even more!"
Roger finally stood up and before Mark could stop him Roger's hands were on Mark's shoulders. Mark instantly flipped out. "I said don't touch me!" he yelled before running to his room and slamming the door shut. Mark lay on his bed curled up into a ball. He held himself as he cried. His body began to shake, but it wasn't from the tears.
Mark had felt someone else's touch for the first time in years and his body wanted more. Mark always wanted to be touched and when it finally happened, his emotions broke down. He longed to be touched again. He longed to feel Roger's touch again. He wanted more, but it would only cause him more pain in the end.
He hugged his body close in hopes of stopping the shaking. He wanted to withdraw from the world. He wanted to avoid touch and by depriving his body of what it really wanted he couldn't stop it. Mark's body shook.
Roger knocked on the door before opening it. He walked in and sat on Mark's bed. "I don't care if you're here. I don't care if you talk, but don't touch me again." Mark said. His body was still shaking.
"Mark, I'm sorry, but why do you hate touch so much?" Roger asked. Mark sat up and pulled himself into his typical position.
"It destroys my life." Mark said.
"How?"
"Do you remember the last time I ever had physical contact with someone? We aren't talking sexual contact." Mark asked. Roger thought for a moment and the last time that came to his mind was the day that Maureen broke up with him.
"They day Maureen dumped you, but that was three years ago. That's can't be right." Roger said.
"Three years, five months, and one week. I haven't felt someone else's touch for that long."
"But why?"
"Because I long for touch. I long to be held and I know I never can be. I love contact with someone else. Someone else's skin on my own. I can't feel touch, or it will destroy what is left of my life. As soon as I accept someone else's touch, I'll lose them and the withdrawal process will start again and it was heard enough the first time." Mark said.
"Mark, we can help each other. I miss holding someone and keeping someone safe." Roger said.
"You miss Mimi, Rog. You don't miss holding someone." Mark said.
"Don't you understand? I love keeping other people safe, I love holding them. You love touch, you love being held. We can help each other."
"For how long? As soon as you leave this world, I lose the only contact I had. I can't go through that again. I need to keep to myself to make your death easier. I can't do it Roger. I can't accept touch from anyone but myself. I can't lose that person." Mark said with tears starting to form in his eyes.
"Mark, I…"
"Just go away" Mark said as laid his head down on his knees to hid the tears threatening to fall.
"Mark"
"Please Rog, go away" Mark pleaded. Roger sighed before giving in. He left Mark's alone closing the door behind him. Roger left Mark alone, just like he wanted. He wanted to be alone, and Roger didn't completely understand why. He wished he could help Mark, but he couldn't.
Mark and Roger were very distant over the next two weeks. Mark ignored the world. He stayed huddled in his bed. He only left when he had to use to the bathroom and then headed right back to his room.
Roger hated to see Mark like this. He would stand in Mark's doorway after bring him something to eat. He watched as Mark shook. He watched as Mark trembled. He watched Mark destroy himself. Watching Mark shiver reminded Roger of his withdrawal days. He would shake, and Mark would hold him, but holding Mark would only make things worst. Roger sighed as he watched Mark tremble in bed. Quietly, he closed Mark's door and tried to shake the sight of Mark trembling from his mind.
Mark's body shook as he lay with knees pulled up to his chest. Tears fell down his face as he trembled. If only he had been a little faster, then Roger wouldn't have touched him and he wouldn't be going through this right now. Just then a voice ran through his head: "You need some kind of contact with someone. Talk to him, you two can help each other." It was Collins.
Mark looked over at the clock. 1:45AM. Mark's body shook some more, but he couldn't ignore Collins voice. Mark slowly pulled himself out of the bed and walked to his door. He knew he would regret this eventually, but for now he needed Roger. He needed Roger more than he was willing to admit. Mark slowly opened Roger's door and saw the musician laying on his stomach snoring lightly.
"Rog?" Mark asked quietly. Roger didn't move. "Rog?" Mark asked again but slightly louder. Still nothing from Roger. "Roger" Mark asked again. Again the musician didn't reply. Mark sighed before turning to leave Roger's room. He was about to close the door when he heard Roger speak.
"Mark?" Roger asked through his yawn. "Mark, you okay?" Roger sat up on his elbows and turned to look at Mark. He squinted through the darkness to try to make out Mark's face, but all he saw was the silhouette of the filmmaker in his doorway.
"Rog, can… can I… stay with you?" Mark asked quietly as he struggled to get the words out. Roger looked at him for a moment before moving over.
"Come on." Roger said giving room to Mark. Mark crawled into the bed next to Roger and laid down. He had laid on his stomach and crossed his arms to act as a pillow. Roger looked over at Mark with a slight smile. "Are you okay?" Roger asked. He was happy that Mark was finally out of his room, but Roger was still careful not to touch him.
"I've tried to ignore it, Rog. I've tried to get through it. I've tried to ignore Collins words, but I can't anymore. Rog, I need you." Mark said. He was afraid of what would happen now that he was giving in, but he needed to be held. He needed to be touched. He needed love. He needed Roger.
"What do you want me to do?" Roger asked. He knew Mark was afraid to be touched, but here he was asking to be touched, but Roger didn't know what Mark needed. He didn't know what would help and he didn't know what would hinder.
"I don't know." Mark said quietly looking over at Roger through the darkness. His body was starting to shiver again. Roger hated to see Mark tremble as such. Just then a thought came to him. He remembered what Mark had done to him to calm him down while he shook due to the withdrawal process. Roger reached out and gently ran his hand through Mark's hair. Roger's fingers intertwined with Mark's short blonde hair. His fingers gently massaged Mark's scalp. Roger was doing his best to be gentle and yet truthful to what he was doing.
When Roger's hand came in contact with Mark's hair Mark started to shiver even more. Roger went to pull away but Mark stopped him. He reached up and grabbed onto Roger's arm. Roger, figuring what he was doing was fine, continued to play with Mark's hair.
Mark's shaking eventually subsided and soon he fell asleep to Roger's touch. Mark was laying on his stomach facing Roger as he slept. Roger stopped playing with Mark's hair and started to run his hand up and down Mark's spine. He traced Mark's spine with his index finger. He ran his fingers gently over Mark's shoulder blades. He massaged Mark's lower back. He drew circles on Mark's back. He did it all while the filmmaker slept. Mark's shaking had completely stopped. He was comfortably asleep with Roger's hand on his back. Roger had eventually fallen back asleep with his hand still on Mark's back.
Morning came to find that Roger had moved closer to Mark during the night. He had his arm draped over Mark's back and slightly holding the filmmaker in the bed. Mark awoke to the feeling and freaked out. He had forgotten what had happened last night. Roger's touch had calmed him so much he forgot.
Mark shoved Roger away and went to get out of bed. As he tried to escape the blankets which had been wrapped around him, his foot got stuck and he fell to the ground head first. His hands caught his body before he hit the ground. He pulled his feet free from the blankets before crawling to the door and curling up in his typical position as he leaned against the door. Tears formed in his eyes as he buried his head.
Roger had been awoken when Mark pushed him. He watched as Mark stumbled out of bed and then sat curled up on the floor. Roger carefully got out of bed before going up to Mark. He bent down next to the filmmaker, but didn't touch him. "Mark?" Roger asked as he looked at his best friend.
Mark didn't respond in words. Instead, his arms were thrown around Roger's neck and he started to cry into Roger's chest. Carefully and cautiously, Roger wrapped his arms around Mark's waist and held him. "I need you. I need you, Rog. I need you." Mark cried through his tears. "I need you." He sobbed. Mark's grip on Roger tightened. Mark had finally given in. Mark broke down the wall around him. He showed a side of himself that he wanted to hide, but Roger's gentle touch from last night made that side come out. "I need you." He cried again.
Roger held Mark close and rocked the crying filmmaker from side to side. "I'm here, Mark. I've got you." Roger told him. Mark kept saying, over and over again, 'I need you'.
Eventually Mark calmed down. He stopped crying and his body stopped shaking. He cuddled into Roger's touch and stayed there. Roger ran his hand through Mark's hair and rubbed his back. Mark knew this wouldn't last and once it was gone he would have a hell of a time trying to deal with it, but for now Roger was there and Roger was holding him.
Mark Cohen finally accepted the one thing he wanted: touch from Roger Davis. And for now Mark was happy. He wouldn't worry about the future while he sat there cuddling with Roger. He won't ask either because there's no day but today.