Warning: I am in an extremely dark mood, my life pretty much sucks right now so this is not a happy story so DO NOT read this if you're in a great mood. Writing this was emotionally draining so I can only imagine how reading it will be. If you can't handle extremely emotional stuff than press the back button now.
They keep telling her to push, but the truth is: she doesn't want to anymore. Everything hurts and every muscle and bone in her body is tired. They want her to guide her child into the world. That's what they want, she never even wanted to be in this position. She was perfectly happy being childless, but now here she is and she can't stop it. The searing pain coming from in between her legs is worse then a stab to the stomach or a gunshot to the shoulder, it hurts and she wants it to end right now.
They won't shut up, they keep telling her the same thing over and over. Keep pushing, don't give up, push harder. How many times does she have to tell them that she's too tired to go on? How many times does she have to mutter that she doesn't want to push anymore? Her nails dig into Sonny's hands, but she doesn't care. He's putting her through this. The least he can go through a few cuts on his hands.
She wants silence so she pushes a little harder, and lets out a loud groan. Her eyes burn from the sweat coming from her pores. Why is everyone so silent? Johnny, Sonny, the doctors, nurses, Mike, her father in law; they're all quiet. They haven't been quiet throughout the process. Why now? What's wrong?
And then it's spoken, by her brother of all people:
"Doctor, is something wrong with the baby?"
The baby isn't out yet, she knows that, she feels it. But she feels her world go black for a moment.
-CZ-
When she wakes up, everyone looks at her with concerned eyes, but she was only out for a few seconds and the pain is still there, she didn't die like she was hoping. "What's wrong with my son? Is he okay?" She shrieked, growing hysterical.
She sees Dr. Lee's head pop up above the sheet that's covering Claudia. Claudia doesn't want to see her face, she wants to see her son's face and hear her son's cry.
"Claudia, one more good, hard push and you'll see your son."
Claudia can't really understand the words, but Sonny squeezes her hand hard and she can comprehend that much. She looks at her brother and her father-in-law and knows what she has to do. She just wants to hold her son, the one she's hoped for, for nine months, the one she's dreamed about, and the one she wants so badly. Beads of sweat drip down her forehead and she holds her breath when she feels the pressure being relieved. But there isn't anything but silence and she can't bare to open her eyes so she sits and waits.
More silence and waiting.
And waiting and silence.
She forces her eyes open.
"Why isn't my little boy crying..?"
She couldn't cut the silence with a steak knife, it was so thick. She looks at Johnny who has tears in his eyes and then at Sonny, her husband, her rock, he looks so devastated.
"John-Johnny..?" She cries. More silence. "Sonny, why isn't he crying?"
None of the people say a word and she can't stand the silence. She stares down Dr. Lee, but she doesn't have the balls to say a word.
"Claudia, the baby-"
"No, no, no-Why isn't he crying?"
She can't understand or comprehend, it doesn't matter. She just wants to hold her son.
The nurse, the damn nurse, comes behind Dr. Lee and insists that she call the time. Claudia shakes her. They can't do it. She thinks to herself, but it happens anyways. 9:10, the time her son died. And if you put that as a month and a day, it's when Maria died; September tenth. Both Johnny and Claudia realize it, but it makes the pain worse.
-CZ-
She still couldn't understand, the moment was lingering. Was it something she did? Did she not take enough of those damn horse pills that Dr. Lee called prenatal vitamins? Was it because she was too weak and fainted? Her son had been alive in her, he kicked her and she heard his heart beat. But now he was gone, her child was gone.
"I want to hold him."
The words hit everyone in the room hard and painfully. It felt like a ton of bricks hitting each and every one of them. She watches Dr. Lee as she holds her son, she wants to hold the baby that she created.
"Claudia it may not be the best idea." Dr. Lee told her.
"I just want to hold him." She begged.
"Claudia, listen to the doctor."
Claudia notices the tone of his voice. The tone that is too tired to do anything better than try and resolve the problem. The tone that would chill her bones if her son hadn't just died, if she hadn't just lost the only thing that mattered.
"I don't care, I just wanna hold him. I don't freakin' care what my condition. I just want to hold our son."
Her eyes begged him and how could he not give in to her right now. How could he say no to his wife, the mother of a child that will truly never be? Dr. Lee hands the lifeless baby to Sonny, who looks at his son's face. The little boy looks so peaceful, like he's asleep, but they all know it's not true, all know it's a lie. The child he and Claudia created is gone, but yet his body, his little body is still here, he has ten little fingers and ten little toes, but no heartbeat.
Claudia watches him, like a mother bear would if someone else was with her cub, but Sonny brings her the baby. That's how they had referred to him for so long, for nine months. They were going to wait until they could look into his eyes to name him and now they'll never have a chance. She feels her son being placed in her arms, he's so beautiful. He has the black curls she wanted him to have and the face all the girls would've died for when they were older. He's perfect except for the fact that he wasn't moving.
She looks at her husband with another look that begs and he knows she wants it to just be the three of them in the room. He knows she doesn't break down in front of her brother and his father plus Dr. Lee and all the nurses. He knows that right now she can only take comfort in him. So he nods at her, kissing her temple and looks at the people in the room.
"Can we-" his breath is caught in his throat. "Can we have a moment alone?"
Johnny is the first to leave, knowing he has Olivia waiting outside for him and knowing he can't do anything for Claudia right now. Mike nods, expressing his grief through his tears. Everyone clears out and it's just them, like it was meant to be. But there was one less soul in the room this time. He sits next to his wife and watches as she breaks, her head coming to his chest, her trying to silence her cries there, but it doesn't work and it never will. Sonny rests his head on hers, letting the tears fall onto her as he strokes his son's face. Why did this have to happen? To their son especially. Did they not deserve him? And if that was true, why would God ever grant them this pregnancy?
"Claudia…" He calls through his tears. She sobs instead of answering. "We have to name him."
She shakes her head. No, I can't. She thinks to herself, but she knows that's what he wants and she knows their deal. If it's a girl, Sonny names it. If it's a boy, Claudia names it. But she can't and won't name him, he deserves it though. She points so her husband, since it feels like she's lost all ability to talk. He nods understanding what she is trying to say.
"Bryson." He tells her.
Finally she looks up from their son's face. The name they had looked up all those months ago. It meant beloved son. The fact made her cry even more, she wished she could love him enough to bring him back.
It's now 9:21.
She's surprised because somehow the world is still spinning.
-CZ-
Everyone piles in the room again. The doctor, a nurse, Mike, and Johnny with Olivia. Claudia doesn't look up at her and yell at Johnny for bringing her in here, the grieving mother just stares down at her arms where her baby was but is no more. Finally she looks and sees all the people.
"My baby…?" She mouths the question to Sonny.
A few more tears slip as he shakes his head 'no'.
She can't understand why her little boy isn't coming back. She questions her own sanity.
She now sees that the nurse is taking him away. She goes to run after the woman that has her son. But Sonny pushes her gently back into the bed as Johnny comes to his sister's side and takes her hand.
But soon visiting hours are over and everyone who comes to visit leaves except Sonny.
"I'm not going anywhere." He promises.
By the next day several flower arrangements are in her room, creating a rainbow. She can't seem to smile and she finds the flowers useless, but the blue bear that Johnny bought her stays in one of her hands at all times. The flowers signal condolences while the bear signals comfort for her. Johnny is now the one sitting with her, squeezing her hand as Sonny talks with Dr. Lee. Johnny is the main one that talks with all the doctors, while Sonny handles Claudia's delicate position.
Supposedly his sister is unstable, she could do anything she wanted to and have no clue what she's done. And she won't talk which is killing Johnny and Sonny both.
"This is a very traumatizing thing, she needs to kept for observation even longer."
Sonny can't take it.
"Please, Dr. Lee. Do not talk about her like she isn't in the room." He adverts his eyes to his wife. "She can still hear you."
Dr. Lee looks over at her patient. She doesn't know what she could've done differently. Claudia and her son were in perfect health, the delivery was going fine.
"Why don't we take this outside of the room?" Dr. Lee questions.
"Johnny, why don't you go talk to her?" Sonny says, making his way to his wife.
Johnny says nothing, he's almost becoming mute like his sister; he's already pledged to not say anything until she does. He kisses her forehead and then follows the doctor.
The door shuts with a small bang, Claudia doesn't advert her eyes from the window.
"You were right." Sonny says hoping that she'll smile or something.
Silence.
"She has a horrible bedside manner. I mean could she not see that you were sitting right there."
She reaches out and runs a hand down his face, calming him.
But she's not really reacting.
She's going through the motions.
It's been two and a half days.
He wants the silence to be over, there never used to be silence when he was around her. He just wants noise, like there was four days ago when everything was right. When nothing hurt. Finally the silence is broken.
"Can we-" It's in whisper, but it's something. "Can we just go home?"
Her eyes beg him to the point of tears, she just wants to go home and never see the hospital again. He only understands, he hasn't left either and he doesn't plan on doing so. Michael, Morgan, and Kristina have no clue what's going on because Carly and Alexis have decided that it is Sonny's responsibility to tell them. Johnna, Johnny's daughter, knows more about what's happening than his kids do.
"Claudia, you can't." He answers her.
"Please."
Her voice is small like a child's. How can he say no?
-CZ-
"Mr. Corinthos you need to understand, Claudia is in no condition to go home. She is under careful eye here. We've already diagnosed her with post-partum depression."
He looks at the woman incredulously. How could she say something like that? He looks at his brother-in-law, who is beside him. Sonny decides to let Johnny say something, because he's the calmer one.
"So you think my sister will do something stupid, like commit suicide?"
Sonny watches as Johnny pauses, because he cannot even imagine his sister doing such a thing. Him pausing gives Sonny enough time to tell something else to Dr. Lee.
"I know that woman who is sitting there in that bed. You know her too, Dr. Lee. She is the most alive person I've ever met. But right now all she wants is to go home, you know? She wants-" His breath gets caught in his throat at the thought. "She doesn't want to be in the room where she last saw our son. Is that too much to ask for?"
The woman before him says nothing and he questions his sanity for her not saying anything. His eyes become glassy, all she wants is one thing. It's the only reason she's talking. Because she wants-no needs to go home.
"Please, I'm begging you. I'll get down on all fours if that's what it takes. Let me take her to our home, at least tonight. If I notice anything I'll bring her back here. I can't stand to lose her and neither can Johnny, we'll take care of her."
Kelly feels her heart soften. Claudia Corinthos was the first patient who came to her and had a still born. When Sam McCall had her still born it had been with Dr. Meadows. So maybe she didn't know how to handle this, maybe she couldn't deal with the fact that her patient should already be at home resting with her newborn son. But there is something there, that makes her care more than she ever has.
And with that caring spirit, she nods her head.
-CZ-
Every few seconds he glances her way, but every time he looks she's in the same position. Forehead resting on the glass of the window, her head shakes with every bump they hit, her eyes are wondering and there's a few tears that are running gently down her face. They made….well mainly he made Johnny leave her side. He wanted his brother-in-law to go home and rest with his wife and daughter; he wanted him to cherish the family he has. Every minute Sonny rubs up and down on the inside of her thigh and in between that he grabs onto her hand, hoping that the grasp is strong enough to keep her from falling off the edge.
They moved when they found out she was pregnant, he wanted a fresh start with her and their baby. When he stops the car, he runs to the other side to meet her when she opens her door, she doesn't smile at his kindness, she just lets him lead her. She immediately curls on the couch and he's surprised when she doesn't ask where Max and Milo were. She had a soft spot for those two men.
"You wanna talk to me?" He asks.
She says nothing as he sits down next to her, wrapping her up in his embrace. The answer he gets is her cries and it seems like they'll never end. Sometime in the early morning, the cries stop as she is overtaken by her need of sleep. He knows this is probably the only peace she's ever get from now on. He doesn't want to take her to their room and risk waking her so they stay in that position all night.
He doesn't sleep, but he wish he could; he wishes he could take this pain away from her. He can't do that either. He feels useless.
And maybe he is.
-CZ-
Sam is at their door as soon as the sun is up, he hears her at the door. He looks down at his wife who is still asleep, he slides out from under her, lying her down nicely on the couch. Sam had not come to see them in the hospital, she was too unsure how her best friend had taken it. Sonny had been surprised when Sam and Claudia started to get along, but they had so many things in common.
And now they had one more thing.
"How is she..?" The woman asked.
He looked at her and then looked at his wife.
"She hasn't talked in over three days, hasn't eaten in even longer. The only words she would say are, 'Can we just go home now?' and she wouldn't stop."
Sam held her hand on her heart as she felt it break for her best friend. They watched as Claudia's eyes opened. Sam walked slowly over to her friend and sat down.
"Hey how are you baby girl?"
Claudia just shrugged her shoulders as a few more tears slipped from her eyes. Sam's eyes met Sonny's in worry.
"Claudia, talk to me."
Claudia couldn't understand why the room before her was becoming blurry, but finally she understood that the tears were pouring from her eyes.
"I…I…I…." her stutter was inevitable considering her voice had not been used in such a long time. "I don't….don't wanna- talk."
"Please, me and Sonny and probably Johnny miss the sound of your voice."
"Bryson, never got to hear the sound of my voice."
Sam wiped the hair out of her face and some of the tears from her eyes. She knew how bad this kind of thing hurt. The room was enveloped in silence before a low grumble was heard throughout the room.
"When was the last time you ate?"
"That's an easy question: when was the last time I was pregnant?"
"You will eat if I have to shove it down your throat. Jason made me bring over this pasta thing, you're going to eat some of it."
Sam cut some of the food off and grabbed a plate and a fork. She fed the food to Claudia, making her eat it. When the plate was finished, Claudia gave her a big smirk.
"Aren't you going to say it?" Claudia asked her, her voice straining.
"Say what?" Sam asked.
"The 'I'm sorry' that everyone has been giving me."
"No, because I know what it feels like to lose a child that you carried for nine months and expected to have and than lose them. I'm not going to tell you "I'm sorry", because it gets old."
If Claudia felt like herself she'd smirk or do something to show Sam she understood, but she wasn't that Claudia anymore. Something changed in her when all her hopes and dreams for that little baby were crushed, when she realized there would be no more happiness in her life. She just doesn't want to do it anymore, she doesn't want to feel all this pain. So instead of answering her normal long winded answer she says:
"Yeah." It's hard to understand.
Sam's eyes go back to Sonny, she doesn't know how much longer she can take it. How can she sit here with her best friend while she's hurting so much and not be able to do anything about it. She feels a knife being stabbed into her heart. She kisses Claudia on the forehead.
"Have you decided what to do….about his burial?" The words don't flow easy but finally they come out.
Claudia's eyes again advert to a window, somewhere she can place herself that is not in the room.
"Mike and Johnny made the arrangement. It's…..tomorrow."
Claudia's body surges for a moment, she thought she would have her little boy for the rest of her life.
"I'll be there, but I have to go home. Claudia, you stay strong." Sam whispers.
"I'll walk you out, Claudia stay right there."
Once they leave the area she gets up, physical pain surges through her body as she walks to the nursery and opens the closet doors. She's picking up and throwing clothes quickly. Half the things she doesn't even remember buying, doesn't remember receiving the other half.
"Claudia…?" She hears him say.
She doesn't look at him, she can't bring herself to look at him; to let him see the woman she's become. The clothes keep flying everywhere, the second she picks something up another is thrown down. And the worst part is she can't stop.
"What are you doing?" This time it's Johnny's voice.
She figures both of them are there.
"Nothing is good enough for him." She breaks down.
Her body curls up into a ball on the floor, but it's Johnny's arms who hold onto her. And she can accept that, she just doesn't understand where her husband went.
And what she doesn't know is that he's in their room doing the exact same thing.
-CZ-
She doesn't know how long she's been lying on the floor surrounded by baby clothes. She doesn't know how long it's been since Johnny said he had to go say goodnight to Johnna. All she knows is right now she's alone, finally. So she takes the opportunity to go to the balcony that connects to this room. She sits there and looks at the stars.
"Why!" She calls out to the invisible God who is always supposed to be there.
She doesn't get it. Maybe she never will. Because part of her is already dead and will be buried tomorrow with the sweet innocent baby she gave birth to.
"Was I not good enough to deserve this baby?"
The railing isn't tall, she could 'accidentally' fall, but everyone would know it wasn't an accident so she won't do it.
"Bryson, I'm so sorry baby boy. If I could I would bring you back to me and you'd be in my arms right now, but I can't bring you back and I'm so sorry."
She's surprised at how calm her tone is, but then again, not really. She is calm on the outside, it's the inside of her that will soon be no more.
"Claudia..?" It's his voice.
"Yeah." She answers because she knows if she doesn't he'll be scared sick.
"What about this…..?"
He's holding a shirt and pants baby outfit that says both "Daddy's boy" and "Mommy's angel". Her tears start again, she can't help it. They found the matching set the day they found out they were having a boy.
"Yes." She gives a definite answer.
"Okay, I'll call Johnny back over here and he can take it to the church."
"No." She says, force in her voice.
His face holds surprise that she finally stood up for herself again.
"What….?"
"I wanna take it, I want us to take it there. I want to see him again."
"Claudia, no." He says returning the force.
Her face shifts into something he's never seen before. It held pain and anguish and a million other little things that he could not image seeing on his wife.
"Wh….Why?"
Her heart hurts, and feels it falling; her chest cavity can't stop it. It'll keep going further and further down until it hit's the floor. She feel like she can't move, her heart is beating faster. She needs to see him one last time.
"It's not good for either of us."
"Sonny, I don't remember what my son looks like. What kind of mother am I? I remember his curls, what if the curls are gone. What if he doesn't look the same?"
She's getting worked up and he sees it; he gets down on the balcony floor and holds her.
"Fine, we'll go."
There's no triumph in her winning this one, only more sadness in knowing this is the final time she'll ever see his little face; the final time she can honestly say she has a son. She doesn't want this to be it, but it hurts more to know it is. She feels like she needs to go mute again and stare out the window for endless hours just watching the world go on, while she can't.
Continue…? Or not continue? You tell me.