The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a meeting somewhere. Along with whatever brain cells I lost from my tiny little mind.
Eggshell Verses Oxford White
"Another day another stupid meeting," Ray groaned as the Figgis Agency entered the conference room.
"Yes, but this time I actually called it!" Cyril snapped. "Shocking I know!"
"I'd love to shock you," Pam grumbled as she put some alcohol from a flask into her coffee. "Ideally with a cattle prod."
"What kind?" Cheryl asked. "Because any wattage higher than seven hundred volts could cause the place to stink up. You know? With Cyril's corpse."
"As much fun as it would be to imagine all of you being nothing but corpses at my feet," Mallory glared at the others. "There are actually some important items we need to talk about."
"So, I have a list," Cyril began. The rest of the agency made angry and annoyed noises. "I have a list which we will go over. In a calm and orderly manner. This will not devolve into a free for all! Mainly because we locked up most of the weapons. We will use reason instead of bullets. For once."
"Reason will prevail!" Pam and Cheryl cheered. "Reason will prevail!"
"SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted at them.
"This group watches way too much TV," Lana groaned.
"The point of this meeting is to address some issues that have been overlooked far too long," Cyril said. "Discussion on these topics is quite frankly way overdue."
"Like what?" Pam asked.
"I'm glad you asked Pam," Cyril said as he looked at the list. "The first item on the list pertains to you. The graffiti in the bathrooms."
"Oh yeah," Ray nodded then looked at Pam.
"Definitely," Mallory glared at Pam.
"While I applaud your attempts to bring art into our lives in theory," Cyril paused. "Honestly I think we could all do without the sexually graphic graffiti in the stalls."
"I can't even use that one stall that has that weird face on the toilet," Lana shuddered.
"It was supposed to be Veronica Deane," Pam said. "But I had trouble with the hair and nose so now it looks like Al Franken."
"Okay let's all take a vote, shall we?" Cyril asked. "All those in favor of Pam no longer being allowed to spray paint the bathrooms or to even have any spray cans in the office raise your hands!"
Everyone but Pam did so. "Opposed?" Cyril asked. Pam raised her hand.
"Motion carries," Cyril said. "Pam, you are no longer allowed to have spray cans in the office much less graffiti the bathrooms or anywhere on the Figgis Agency."
"You guys are repressing art! You know that!" Pam snapped.
"Tell it to Banksy!" Ray snapped.
"Okay good," Cyril nodded. "See what happens when we use reason and logic to solve our problems? Instead of screaming and crazy arguments? Things get done. Which leads me to Item Two: repainting the bathrooms."
"Well obviously Pam can't be trusted on that task," Cheryl scoffed.
"We also can't trust you Cheryl," Lana said. "Because you would just sniff the paint fumes in order to get high."
"Yeah, I would," Cheryl giggled.
"So obviously that lets you out," Cyril sighed. "And I'm guessing Ms. Archer is out."
"As the kids say today," Mallory took a drink. "Duh."
"So that leaves me, Lana, Krieger and Ray," Cyril groaned. "So if we go in teams of two we can get it done this weekend."
"I can't do it this weekend," Lana said. "I have a thing with my daughter at County Day."
"Oh God you always have a thing with your daughter," Cheryl groaned.
"AJ isn't like your damn ocelot," Lana snapped. "I can't just shove her in a room and forget about her for hours on end."
"Isn't that what you basically do when you put her in day care every week?" Cheryl asked.
"No!" Lana snapped. "She plays with other children and learns her ABC's!"
"I kind of have to side with Lana on this one," Ray said. "You don't even give Babou a chew toy."
"Well technically she does whenever she lets Archer play with him," Cyril snickered. "Nevertheless, the bathrooms need to be done."
"Well I can't do it this weekend," Lana said.
"In other words, you're going to stick me with all the work aren't you?" Ray snapped at Lana.
"Okay how about this?" Lana sighed. "Ray if you paint the ladies' room we'll let you redecorate it?"
Ray paused a moment. He zoomed out using his bionic legs. Then he ran in with several swatches. "I have some fabulous ideas for the colors."
"Boy did you call that one," Mallory remarked to Lana.
"I had a feeling," Lana sighed.
"Hang on," Cyril realized. "How can Ray decorate when he's color blind?"
"I can see shading," Ray sniffed. "And I think the shading between Eggshell and Oxford White are the top choices."
Mallory took a swatch. "I do like that Oxford White."
"I like Eggshell better," Pam said.
"You're not eating the walls Pam," Mallory snapped. "Oxford White."
"Are you blind as well as old?" Cheryl snapped. "Eggshell is clearly the better choice. It's brighter."
"But Oxford White has that nice sheen to it," Krieger looked at the swatch.
"They all look the same to me," Lana blinked.
"Lana can't see different shades of white," Cheryl mocked. "What a shock."
"You know…?" Lana glared at her.
"I'm just saying if you want a touch of class you stick with Eggshell," Pam spoke up.
"I'm not denying that Eggshell doesn't have its appeal," Krieger said. "But Oxford White is so much classier."
"I have to agree with Krieger on this one," Mallory nodded.
"Eggshell is better, duh!" Cheryl snapped. "I can't believe we're having this conversation!"
"Neither am I," Lana groaned.
"What about this one?" Cyril pointed. "Wedding Gown?"
Ray gave him a look. "That depends. Are you trying to give people eyestrain?"
"How tacky can you get?" Pam snapped.
"Seriously," Cheryl clucked her tongue.
"You see what I'm dealing with here?" Ray said to Mallory.
"I know," Mallory groaned. "I know."
"Cyril the choices are either Oxford White or Eggshell," Ray snapped. "I picked them for a reason!"
"They all look the same," Lana was confused.
"I feel we're getting way off topic of things we need to talk about here," Cyril spoke up. "Can we just put this decorating thing on the shelf for now and get on with more important topics?"
"Fine I'll just put any color I want," Ray snapped. "Maybe I'll paint the bathroom bright pink? How's that?"
"Oh God no," Mallory winced. "Please tell me you are saying that for effect."
"I am," Ray said. "Of course, I wouldn't do a woman's bathroom in pink! It's so obvious! Unless of course it was a light pink. Like Baby Rose. I hear Baby Rose is hot this year."
"Which one is Baby Rose?" Mallory asked. Ray showed him. "That one isn't half bad. It's very light. Not for a bathroom but maybe for my living room? Can I have this swatch?"
"Knock yourself out," Ray waved.
"If only," Cheryl quipped. Mallory glared at her.
"What color does the men's room get?" Krieger asked. "I was thinking something modern."
"What if I promise to not tag the bathrooms and help Ray and Krieger paint?" Pam spoke up.
"You actually want to paint?" Cyril asked.
"I find it relaxing," Pam said.
"We could use the help," Krieger admitted.
"What if we supervise her?" Ray asked.
"She'd just knock you idiots out and do what she wants," Lana snapped.
"I totally would," Pam snickered. "But not this time. Swearsies realsies!"
"That means nothing to me," Mallory grumbled. "Honestly I think it would be better if we just hired someone to paint the bathrooms."
"We can't afford to have someone paint the bathrooms!" Cyril snapped.
"Honestly, we can't afford not to," Mallory snapped. "I don't trust any of you idiots to paint a fence correctly!"
"Oh wait," Krieger realized. "I just realized I can't paint this weekend. I have a thing."
"Do I want to know what it is?" Mallory groaned. "And as soon as the words came out of my mouth…"
"Oh," Ray realized something. "That thing is this week? Oh well then I can't do it either."
"FINE!" Cyril snapped. "Fine! We will pay someone to paint the bathrooms and they can decide whatever the hell color they want! Anything to get this meeting moving along because we still have a lot to talk about!"
"Yeah can we talk about Ms. Archer and her tendency to murder people?" Pam spoke up. "Because I feel that's an issue that might conflict with our business model."
"Pam does bring up a good point," Ray agreed.
"This is about the nursing home incident, isn't it?" Mallory groaned. "I knew you people were going to bitch about that."
"And you don't see that as a huge deal?" Lana snapped.
"Lana, I said I was sorry for using your harpoon gun," Mallory groaned. "I admit I should have gotten a different weapon of my own. That was my bad. But I did wipe all the fingerprints off of it and I made sure Krieger stole the harpoon spear from the police evidence locker. What's the harm?"
"Besides involving us again in one of your murders?" Lana snapped.
"Which you have to admit you do to us a lot," Cyril added.
Cheryl added. "Like all the time."
"I don't involve you people in all my murders!" Mallory snapped. "I admit I have used you in a majority of my…account settling these past few years."
"Getting revenge and killing people," Cyril translated.
"But not all the time!" Mallory protested. "Three out of five tops!"
"So, you're saying there's at least two more people that you've killed that we don't know about?" Lana shouted.
"Uhh…" Mallory paused. "Hang on." It looked like she was mentally calculating.
"You have to think about it?" Lana shouted.
"Well it depends!" Mallory protested. "We're only talking about since we moved to California, right? Because if you add up all those other times in New York and San Marcos that kind of throws the whole table out the window."
"Who did you kill in San Marcos?" Cyril shouted.
"I was counting that time you took over the entire country and I helped you run it!" Mallory snapped. "Technically we both orchestrated parts of the war and directed our armies to kill a lot of rebels."
"Who turned out to be mostly CIA hired mercenaries," Cyril groaned. "But you didn't personally kill anyone in San Marcos, right?"
"No, I didn't!" Mallory shrugged. "But I admit I came pretty close…"
"I don't want to know," Lana groaned. "I just don't want to know."
"It was Pam," Mallory admitted. "You know? Just hoping she'd overdose after eating all that cocaine!"
"I said I didn't want to know!" Lana snapped.
"Oh like I didn't know you were gonna try that trick," Pam snorted.
"You still ate all that cocaine," Ray remarked.
"Well duh!" Pam said. "It was cocaine!"
"Still three out of five and sometimes three out of six…" Mallory shrugged.
"One is too many!" Lana snapped.
"Unless you're going to kill someone I really hate," Cheryl spoke up. "Then I'd be on board with that."
"Ms. Archer is not going to commit suicide," Ray looked at her.
"Damn it," Cheryl grumbled.
"Mallory," Lana let out an annoyed breath. "You can't involve us in your murders anymore."
"Yeah do it on your own dime!" Pam snapped.
"Well then what's the point of owning a detective agency?" Mallory asked confused.
"To solve crimes!" Cyril snapped. "Not commit them! Or cover them up!"
"Well no wonder this agency isn't doing well," Ray quipped.
"Tell me about it," Lana groaned. "Speaking of committing crimes, I'd like to bring up the ones the rest of you do."
"What do you mean?" Ray asked.
"I saw the footage of what happened on Thanksgiving," Lana glared at them. "In fact, everyone who watched the six o'clock news saw it!"
"You can't prove that was us!" Pam spoke up.
"I saw footage of you idiots running away from the exploding house," Lana said. "As well as a shirtless guy riding a horse who looked exactly like Krieger get killed."
"That was Aldo," Krieger admitted.
"Clone or robot?" Lana asked with a sigh.
"Clone," Krieger said.
"That really happened?" Mallory shouted. "I thought that was one of my absinthe hallucinations."
"It happened," Ray sighed. "Long story short we had a party that kind of got out of hand."
"I figured that when I saw the SWAT team get into a firefight," Lana groaned.
"To be fair it wasn't the gangbangers who started that fight," Pam spoke up. "It was their accountants."
"I had to pretend I never saw any of you people before in my life," Lana groaned. "And that I was just as shocked as everyone else."
"Wait, we were on TV?" Cheryl asked.
"You and a mob of people," Lana said. "But I was able to pick you out of the crowd easily."
"And you complain about my murders?" Mallory shouted.
"That's totally different!" Cyril snapped.
"Yeah, our murders were a complete accident," Cheryl agreed. "You planned yours!"
"And we certainly weren't planning on telling you or involving you in any way!" Pam snapped.
"Well I'm involved now!" Mallory snapped. "You made me an accessory after the fact!"
"Welcome to our world," Ray gave her a look.
"Okay fine!" Cyril snapped. "We'll cut down on the mayhem! Happy?"
"Not really," Lana folded her arms.
"Well you're never happy," Cheryl waved. "So who cares?"
"I care!" Lana snapped. "About not going back to jail!"
"And I'd also like to add an addendum on the sex orgies," Mallory snapped.
"That's only because you're not getting any," Cheryl scoffed.
"They weren't even sex orgies," Pam spoke up. "Well most of them. I think…"
"They were more like drunken blackouts," Cyril admitted. "Where we may or may not have had sex with each other."
"You mean like the Stitch Krieger incident?" Ray asked. "Where we found all of you naked and passed out among empty bottles, burned out furniture and Cheetos dust?"
"And I am more than certain that some of the stains on the carpet were bodily fluids," Mallory shuddered.
Pam paused. "Okay yeah something happened there. But it's not like that hasn't happened before. Like with the Japanese bathhouse parties."
"The what?" Mallory narrowed her eyes.
"Nothing," Pam coughed.
"Oh yes," Krieger winced. "I remember those. Some of them were pretty freaky even for me."
Cheryl nodded. "I'm pretty sure that Star Wars monster rip off got to second base with me."
"Me too," Pam realized.
"I think I got to third base with me," Cyril realized.
"Me too," Krieger admitted.
"See this is what we are talking about!" Lana snapped. "You guys have to stop these sexual shenanigans!"
"This from the woman who banged Archer in the broom closet for months!" Cyril snapped.
"And slept naked with Archer and Ray on the Mountain of Death," Pam added. "As well as did me and Cyril on his office desk."
"And the times you did it with me in the elevator!" Cyril added.
"And the times you did it with Archer in…" Krieger began.
"I GET IT!" Lana snapped.
"No offense Lana," Mallory sniffed. "But you lecturing them on sexual morality is kind of like Lulu White giving Polly Adler tips."
"Kind of offended," Lana folded her arms. "And it's not like you're one to talk."
"What do you mean?" Mallory gasped. "I have always been beyond reproach when it comes to maintaining my dignity at the office."
Everyone looked at her. And laughed. "Really?" Cyril looked at her. "Really?"
"You want us to go down the entire list of times your libido ran amok?" Ray laughed. "Or just the top ten?"
"Like when you threw yourself at Conway Stern," Pam went on. "Who had no interest in you."
"Agent Edmore who left because you wouldn't stop leaving erotic notes in his desk," Lana added.
"Very graphic erotic notes," Pam added. "Sexy as hell. I copied a few of them for my playbook."
"Also had no interest in you," Ray added. "That one client you slept with in your office and then he stiffed us."
"Phrasing," Krieger quipped. "All the times you went into the Men's locker room and showers."
"Especially when Agent Edmore was there," Lana added.
"Remember when you and Ron were first dating and you two had sex in your office?" Lana added. "And you accidentally turned on the intercom and the entire office heard?"
"Yeah Archer had a freaking breakdown," Cheryl laughed.
"That was a fun day," Cyril giggled. "All the times you had sex with a few other agents. Who shall remain nameless."
"They'd better," Mallory glared at him.
"The time you surprised Agent Edmore in the men's bathroom," Ray added. "Seriously that poor man was on the verge of a nervous breakdown before he quit."
"He was playing hard to get!" Mallory snapped.
"No, he wasn't," Ray snickered.
"Yeah you freaked out when you heard he was dating a blonde that was younger than you," Pam snickered. "And then you scared away at least three female workers because you thought Agent Edmore was banging them."
"And he wasn't," Ray smirked.
"How do you know?" Mallory snapped at Ray.
"Because Ray was the blonde!" Pam laughed and pointed.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"Whomp, Whomp," Ray quipped.
"And you all knew about this?" Mallory shouted.
"Duh!" Cheryl scoffed.
"It was Archer's idea to spread that rumor," Cyril shrugged.
"Oh my God!" Mallory realized. "Sterling was the one who told me Edmore was sleeping with a blonde!"
"Again," Ray remarked. "Whomp. Whomp."
"Well he was also sleeping with a couple of those blonde office workers you scared away," Pam shrugged. "So…"
"He made me do his dirty work for him!" Mallory bristled.
"And to be fair mine as well," Ray shrugged. "Edmore was kind of a bitch. Not to mention not that great in bed. Trust me, you didn't miss much."
"On a scale from one to ten…?" Mallory blinked.
"I dunno," Ray shrugged. "A four. Maybe four and a half?"
"Oh well then I didn't miss anything," Mallory waved.
"Okay once again we are getting off topic," Cyril spoke up. "Not that the issues we just addressed aren't important. But they aren't going to get us any clients. Which is the next item on the agenda."
"Hang on Cyril," Lana spoke up. "I still have an issue to address."
"Of course, you do…" Cyril groaned.
"I have an issue with you not getting undressed!" Pam quipped. "Zing!"
"PAM!" Lana snapped. "Actually, this one is about Krieger. Or more accurately your girlfriend!"
"Mitsuko?" Krieger blinked. "What did she do?"
"You mean besides flashing her digital underwear on live television?" Lana snapped.
"When was this?" Krieger asked.
"The Thanksgiving from Hell!" Lana snapped.
"And which Thanksgiving from Hell…?" Krieger blinked.
"I think she means the most recent one Krieger," Ray sighed.
"Again, I had to pretend to my family that I had no idea who Mitsuko was!" Lana snapped. "It wasn't hard. But still…"
"What did she do?" Krieger asked.
"She's been flying around on TV flashing her pixilated panties on serious news shows!" Lana snapped. "There are civil rights groups chomping at the bit looking for the people responsible to serve them with lawsuits!"
"Why would they sue about Mitsuko?" Krieger asked.
"You mean besides she's a racist sexist caricature and a teenage nerd's wet dream?" Lana snapped.
"That's a bad thing?" Krieger asked.
"Go figure," Lana said sarcastically.
"Speaking of figuring out illegal activities," Mallory spoke up. "When were you going to tell me about that damn sausage smuggling operation you people have going on?"
"Had going on," Pam said. "Past tense."
"After the third run Camilla made the mistake of eating the wrong meat and ended up in the hospital," Cheryl added. "Somehow the bologna reacted to the drugs she was taking and is kind of in a coma. Irony. I know."
"I was almost charged with attempted murder because of you!" Mallory shouted.
"Well who told you to take the meat out of the refrigerator for your stupid party in the first place?" Ray asked.
"After all these years you still don't know that rule?" Pam asked. "If it comes from our fridge, beware."
"Especially if Krieger's name is on it," Lana added.
"That is rather common sense," Krieger admitted.
Mallory glared at them. "You know the only reason I didn't make any of you idiots eat some of that damn meat is that I suspect some of you already have!"
"Eh yeah," Krieger admitted.
"I thought that meat was good as long as you microwaved it," Pam added.
"Tasty too!" Cheryl grinned.
"It wasn't that bad," Cyril admitted. Lana and Ray looked at him. "I was hungry okay? Besides I wanted to see what the fuss was about."
"So much for my hopes for poisoning you lot," Mallory growled. "I also want to address when you people are going to give me my share of that little enterprise!"
"You weren't even here!" Pam snapped. "We set it up, you didn't!"
"You don't deserve a share!" Cheryl added. "You were too busy either watching Archer or passed out from drinking!"
"I'm the head of this agency!" Mallory snapped.
"Technically no, you're not!" Cyril snapped.
"I deserve that money!" Mallory shouted.
"No, you don't!" Pam added.
"Especially after you tried to sell my agency from under me for a quick buck!" Cyril snapped.
"Well at the very least I deserve enough money to get my carpet replaced!" Mallory shouted. "Even with professional cleaners there are still stains…"
"I'll tell you what," Ray looked at Mallory. "You cross the border in the middle of the night with twenty pounds of sausage on your back and we'll give you a share! That's fair!"
"Gillette carrying sausage on his back," Mallory remarked. "There's a joke in there somewhere."
"You know…?" Ray looked at her.
"I want my share of that money!" Mallory snapped.
"Well I want that repayment of five grand you swindled from me in order to host your own Vomitorium!" Cyril snapped. "As well as reparations for all the other unnecessary expenses you've rung up!"
"If you are talking about the champagne…" Mallory glared. "That is a necessary expense!"
"Maybe for Le Chateaubriand but not for a detective agency!" Cyril snapped. "My God for all the money you spent on alcohol alone I could have bought myself two more agencies and a car!"
"So technically," Pam realized. "Ms. Archer already spent her share."
"NO! NO!" Mallory shouted. "I WANT THAT MONEY!"
"Well it's gone now so you can't have it!" Cyril snapped.
"How did that happen?" Mallory shouted.
"These new things called bills and taxes!" Cyril snapped. "Water bill, electric bill, part of Archer's hospital bill, property tax, fines for littering and whatever else you maniacs do!"
"If we don't have any money," Cheryl blinked. "Then how were you going to pay the painters to paint the bathroom?"
Cyril groaned. "Damn it!"
"That's it," Pam got up. "I'm going to a bar."
"Me too," Ray agreed.
"But the meeting isn't over yet!" Cyril snapped. "We haven't decided anything!"
"Oh yes we have," Pam said. "We've decided that deciding things is a drag."
"Yeah you want the bathrooms painted so badly," Ray agreed as they all started to leave. "You do it!"
"I have to go pick up my daughter," Lana got up. "Mallory, you want to come visit Archer afterwards?"
"That depends," Mallory sighed. "Can we go to a bar first?"
"When will I learn?" Cyril groaned. "Reason never prevails around here!"