Everyone gets that feeling that when something feels so wrong that it ends up feeling right. I guess I'm not like most people because I know when something is wrong it actually is wrong. So horribly wrong. But at the same time like most people I would do anything for the person I love. Even if it means that what I do will break me little by little.
I lay back on top of a bed that is not mine, a blanket draped over my lower body and wearing absolutely nothing. I look at the person sitting at the edge of the bed lighting a cigarette. Shizuo Heiwajima, my enemy. I know for a fact that people shouldn't fall for the person trying to them every single day. I also know that people shouldn't ever fall for a person who only uses them.
I watch as he stared off into space not even noticing me. For all I know it's like having his enemy as his fuck buddy doesn't really bother him at all. The moon illuminated his profile, his bleached hair messy and his face blank as smoke wafts into the air and disappears after a few seconds. I love him. I will continue loving him even if he loves someone else. Even if to him I'm only here as his stress reliever. Pfft, I have no idea whether to take that as a compliment or as an insult.
I stand up and picked up my clothes which were tossed around the room at random places, silently putting them on. We didn't talk. We never did. It was if he regrets doing something like this with me but after a few days he would call me over randomly at night and the cycle repeats itself again. It was like a silently agreement that we would act normal whenever I appear at Ikebukuro. Trying to kill each other is considered normal for both of us at this point.
As I leave his apartment I wonder what started this. Ah, that's right. This all started when Shizuo fell in love with Vorona. They became a couple when Shizuo confessed and found out that Vorona also loves him. Now how did I become involved with this stupid situation? Well it turns out that Vorona didn't want to 'do it' until they get married. And Shizuo being Shizuo, decided that he can use me as his fuck buddy and stress reliever just until he and Vorona gets married. It's basically like someone added insult to injury. Imagine being the fuck buddy of your enemy, who also happens to be the person you love, just until he gets married. What a shitty situation. Not to mention it's utterly depressing.
Two days later...
"IZZZAAAAYYYAAAA!" Today we're having another one of our usual chases. But it felt different somehow. I'm not talking about how Shizuo had mellowed down a bit. No I have noticed that long ago. I'm talking about how I feel sluggish and absolutely tired. I slept fairly well enough last night so I wonder why I feel this way. I clumsily dodged the vending machine thrown my way and I took out my usual switchblade.
"I thought I told you to stay of Ikebukuro bastard!" I feel drained of everything. Nothing matters anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. Not humans, not life. Not even about Shizuo.
I couldn't come up with a smart retort which adds to my list of unusual things today. Sighing, I lower my arm and walk back to my apartment. Why? Why do I feel this way? Everything feels numbed away. It's almost as if I'm inside a bubble, watching everything far away. "Oi! Get back here you fucking louse!" Shizuo sounds so far away. Tired, I feel so tired of everything.
Getting inside an alleyway, I slump against the wall. I guess karma does get everyone for what they do. For me though I have done so many despicable things to people that I probably got twice the punishment. Why am I here for anyways? Nobody needs me. I'm fairly certain nobody wants me either. So why am I still here? Why am I still alive?
Someone grabs me and slams me into the wall opposite of where I was. Pain racked my body and I wince. Looks like I wasn't paying attention to the brute. He could kill me here if he wants. I just want to get this over with.
"What the fuck is wrong with you flea?" Shizuo growls grabbing me by the neck and lifting me a few inches of the ground. I close my eyes sighing quietly. "Can't you just get this over with," It wasn't a question. It was a request for him to finally end my life.
"The hell are you going on about?" I guess I underestimated his stupidity.
"Kill me." He looks at me confusedly. "What can't you do it?" I mock. Nothing. There is nothing anymore. I decide that if he doesn't kill me I'll do it myself.
He smirks. What is he...? He leans forward and presses his mouth to my neck sucking It until a was sure a hickey would be there if I look in a mirror.
"What are you doing?" I growl. Please just get this over with. Kill me. Drape yourself in my blood. Paint the city with my blood. Let my blood stain your hands for the rest of your life. Please.
"You still have a purpose," he whispers huskily into my ear. My eyes widen and with all the strength I could muster I push him away from me. I see.
I run so fast everything I see blurs all together.
Why?
I run gritting my teeth my eyesight blurring from the tears forming.
Is that really...?
I run to my apartment slamming the door shut, locking it for good measure.
...my only purpose
I collapse in front of the door. I folded my arms on top of my knees and buried my head in them. I haven't cried this much for a long time. That brute did this to me. No. I did this to myself. I so foolishly loved him when I know I shouldn't have. 'You still have a purpose'. No. I won't let my purpose of being alive is only because I'm his fuck buddy.
Standing up I went to my computer and started searching for a few things. Satisfied, I grab a backpack and stuffed it with the only important things I'll need. I pack my clothes, phones, food, and a few more other things. Then I leave with a small piece of paper on my desk holding the only clue as to why I left.
I didn't write where I went.
I didn't get the chance to proof read this and I sort of only scanned at the whole thing before posting. So there are probably tons of grammatical error and randomness I just kind of threw in it in the midst typing.